There are times when I secretly hope that some technical glitch will wipe out my blog.
I can explain that hidden hope best by using astrology – I have Pluto in the 1st (and transiting Pluto is conjunct my Sun) and (so I’m a bit of a psycho – it’s retrograde so that psycho is introverted) destruction often works in a creative manner for me (yes, the flip side of that is creation may be destructive too).
The chapters I didn’t read out loud used to be most of the chapters of my life… then something snapped and may still be snapping.
Yesterday I had one of those moments when I wished that…
Please note that sharing this information with you isn’t a request for ‘support’ to keep my blog going or any kind of ‘game’ which humans play when they’re feeling a certain way and need reinforcements – it’s just me being me doing my thing. If I was determined to wipe myself off the internet, you wouldn’t be able to stop me even if I was wrong and you were right. I am stubbornness central sometimes, sometimes all the time… and I know it’s counter-productive at times most of the time. But sometimes being counter-productive nourishes me… sometimes going against the grain is the grain.
Sometimes my thing is just saying what I’m thinking/feeling out loud on social media because… shit, why not!
I did this stuff silently for several decades before I did it less silently online – doing it less silently online has actually helped it become less unhealthy (that doesn’t mean it’s healthy).
Sharing my fluctuations, baring and bearing my human beingness with you as I do… I should have done this kind of thing long before I did it. You’ve helped me be less of a hindrance to myself, and your effect is healing on the hurt I seem to inflict on me (and on others when I feel the pain of it)… even if you never speak back to me.
Oh just chill!!! We all feel this way sometimes…
I was extremely tired yesterday (and suffering from the symptoms of extreme tiredness) and fell asleep (with a twisted smile) while thinking about what a relief suddenly not existing online would be (I managed not to go further than that and enjoy the thought of not existing at all… so some ‘progress’ may have been made).
Usually when I have that kind of wish I (have to struggle not to act upon it, remind myself I’ll regret that kind of initiative later – been there, done that, wished I hadn’t done it mainly because I hurt others while helping myself… it’s not always easy to tell the difference between what heals, helps, and what hurts, hinders, us, others…) may wonder whether I want that wish to come true or if it’s the sort of wish one can have safe in the knowledge that it probably won’t happen – a bit like wanting someone to die (because they’ve pissed you off that much) while knowing that it won’t happen (thank goodness because if you could kill someone like that… I’d be dead by now and… hmmmm… maybe…shhh!) so you can get away with that homicidal maniac blip. You really don’t want any of this stuff to come true, you’re just having an episode of a human being being human in that way.
After a sleep which did enough to restore me to my senses for me to be less insensitive to my effect on others by ripples and dominoes falling over… or more insensitive to my hyper-sensitivity – that kind of sensitivity which may make you believe you’re empath central but that kind of ’empathy’ ain’t empathic it just thinks it is (and does a ‘good’ job of convincing you that you’re being selfless when actually you’re being selfish in a painful for everyone manner).
I felt less obliterati about life and things until I checked in on my blog and found this comment waiting to be approved:
“Wow, you are advising to kill the messenger! A messenger with a necessary message! Are you blind to your own thinking? Who in their right mind ever kills the messenger! And do you think the messengers will ever come back?
And you’re actually audacious or ignorant enough to tell other people what to do with their lives!
Go study under a real shaman instead of the fake techno-shamans littered across the internet and the world in general. Learn the meaning of the word respect (and have the courage to not delete my post because it offends your ego).
PS: It’s a little too obvious why the fly is coming to this person and she might consider paying attention and focusing to listen to the message instead of killing it.”
Heavy sigh to go with the heavy and stormy weather in this part of the world…
(and the fact that what someone else is telling you that you shouldn’t do due to it being so many levels of wrong, stupid, and so on so forth, in their eyes is what they’re doing to you while telling you not to do it, but it’s okay for them to do it because they’re not doing it and they’re righteous while telling you it’s not okay for you to do it because you suck according to their smartest person in the room self).
People… sometimes make being a people a game show all about – How will you react!?! Kiss, marry, kill? And whatever you do will never be right according to them…
(a funny aside… just as I was copying to paste that comment to share with you in this post a house fly decided to fly right into my face – in your face, MF!)
Gotta admire such ardent fire, right?
What inspired so much ardent fire from a stranger that they felt the need to not only comment but also blackmail me into sharing their comment which they suspected might not get shared, might get deleted (because of fragile ego issues) and… really if you’re pre-empting in a way that needs you to use blackmail to get someone else to accept your stuff which you’re worrying they might not accept… perhaps you need to review your methods of communication – but of course I’m not supposed to tell people anything so… whatevs!…
after Bane come Vane… in the Pluto in the 1st role models
Was it the post – Flies and Other Messengers of Nature – which was a random blurb I wrote a long time ago and frankly I… am amazed that it gets as much traffic, attention and comments as it does because it’s really rather… odd. And it lives in my past so when that past becomes present again… I’ve moved on from the person I was then, I followed the path which took me to that place further, Google-journeyed beyond the original results (even strayed outside of Google territory because it’s not the only search engine even if it wants to be), and… expecting me to remain the same is asking me to never change and that’s the sort of thing that can make someone (with Uranus in the 1st/2nd) become stir crazy.
Or was it the reply I made to someone who asked me what to do about a rather bothersome fly, and what that bothersome fly might mean – a reply which I knew wasn’t the one I should give them, make, because it was… n’t helpful if they were looking for something more than what I gave them.
But they’re a living thinking googling-enabled being (the person who asked about the fly rather than the fly – maybe the fly is too) so I figured that they can take care of themselves (which includes taking care of themselves if I fail them by being human, a human who gives rubbish replies to their questions/comments on my personal blog – a blog where I’m not trying to be a shaman (if you only knew what I thought of the term ‘shaman’… I’m half-Italian and the word shaman is so close to a word in Italian which means something very different but for me it’s the same thing… rather than being some imaginary internet mage who can answer all your questions satisfactorily for you, please you, feed your need, and for anyone else who reads what you asked and what I answered).
I had a debate with myself about that reply and went with the one I wanted to make rather than the one I knew I should make to avoid… consequences like… weeds. I went with what I wanted to say at the time rather than what perhaps someone else (like an eavesdropper) wanted to hear.
I made that classic mistake of being ‘authentic’ rather than to ‘people-please’ with a ‘made-for-others-faux-authentic’ across the spectrum of what people-pleasing entails persona who speaks… and remained ‘mindful’ of the fact that being ‘mindful’ sucks.
Grow up with narcissists and this is a common debate (that includes self-kicking) you will have with yourself every time you’re required to speak… because you learn quite quickly that… others would like to control what you say when you speak (to maintain control over themselves) and you can control others (or at least the parts of them you have to deal with) when you speak.
In all the stuff written about narcissists and the effects narcissists have on others (like their children) what sometimes goes astray is the fact that narcissists often make a lot of sense.
My narcissist father had a lot of wisdom he freely shared to anyone willing to listen about the psychology of humans – most people weren’t willing to listen because it pushed their buttons and we tend to shut our eyes and ears when someone does that. La-la-la-we’re not listening or seeing anything!
Their ‘nonsense’ is sometimes the same as the ‘nonsense’ of non-narcissists (just don’t say that to non-narcissists on the warpath against narcissists).
The games they play… they’re not the only ones playing those games (again don’t say this to those who’ve decided they don’t have a narcissistic bone in their body… and that’s why they’re made of just skin which is lying in a heap on the ground and that’s all the fault of a narcissist!).
The ‘evil’ of a narcissist is sometimes about tapping into the human games all people play – narcissists are just better at the game or more obvious about it because they’re more aware of a game being played and research how to play it and play us (whereas we play innocent) and we end up labeling them as ‘evil’ for using us (our need to remain innocent makes us get stuck there – we use them too but don’t tell us that we’re doing that!) against ourselves.
I read a rather good post about this yesterday (yesterday was quite a day!) – How do we save humanity? By believing in socialized psychopaths! – what impressed me the most about this post was that it brought the issue of others (those others who we see as narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths), and what others do to you back to you (the person who sees themselves as a non-narcissist, non-sociopath, non-psychopath). It asked – What’s your part in the power which others have over you? – in other words are you the powerful one who makes others powerful? (the quick answer to that if you don’t want to research it for yourself is – Yes – but it comes with responsibilities which you may prefer to defer and maybe blame your narcissist/sociopath/psychopath for).
Back to that comment…
It was fairly accurate comment as long as the inaccuracies or the hypocrisies are ignored.
Was I killing the messenger?
Yes, if that messenger was a fly.
No, if that messenger was human (but I might have wished I could have killed them with the same cavalier ability that came with killing a fly)
But you, dear commenter, killed this messenger known as me with your harshness and didn’t flinch at doing that because of your attitude that I don’t matter as much as… you do and what you’re proving about yourself using me (you’re not really an advocate for fly-life, are you) makes it okay to kill me, you’re righteous doing that, right. In fact killing me was more important to you than helping the person who you claim to know why their fly was bothering them – ‘it’s a little too obvious why the fly is coming to this person’ – is it? Why not share that, why not help them with your all-seeing-I rather than spend your time hurting me and keeping your super-knowledge secret?
After all, according to you, I’m an idiot, and idiots aren’t open to your sort of lessons of – don’t be an idiot – are they? Surely by now a shaman like you knows that no one learns anything if they’re as stupid as I am… why not focus your power where it will heal rather than where it will fall on deaf ears and eyes and so on? Share your smartest person on the planet knowledge with those who will benefit from it and appreciate it… no?
Why punish the other person to whom I gave shit advice for the shit a-hole that I am and that you intelligently know that I am? Weird, no?
Or did you have nothing but it doesn’t matter if you have nothing when dealing with someone whom you think has less than you? Your nothing = something when you think others are and have nothing compared to you.
One of the things I love about going through an identity crisis is that it splits you from your usual modus operandi and spits up questions about yourself and how you react, handle things and people, to reflect and self-reflect upon like – why am I putting up with this kind of shit!?!
Is what I am doing helping, hindering, healing or hurting?
And are what others are doing helping, hindering, healing or hurting?
It makes you face your own issues… like people-pleasing because you don’t want to deal with the consequences which come from not people-pleasing. Their tantrums and avoiding them for you and for them become your responsibility… or do they? Aren’t they going to have them anyway!?!
The sort of people who need pleasing in that way, they’re never pleased by you as a people because they’re not your kind of people – to be your kind of people would make them die a thousand deaths. They’re a special snowflake while you’re an ordinary splotch of iced water – stupid water compared to their smart water which can snowflake is a special way.
And special snowflakes always need to piss on iced water that can’t snowflake.. right!?!
If you piss an INTP off they’ll ignore, avoid, and steer clear of you, not because they’re scared of you (however superior in authority you may perceive yourself as being over them) but because of something you’d rather not know about them (a River… Firefly style), especially if they have Pluto in the 1st house.
Thank you for sharing – be aware, mindful, etc, that I always mean that one way or another 🙂