When did you first become aware of your mind’s ability to think for itself?
And was this a good or a bad discovery for you?
Did you have mixed feelings about it…
and did you wonder if your feelings were free of the mind and its thoughts or intricately linked to it?
Perhaps even eclipsed by it… was your mind trying to pass its thoughts off as feelings?
(was this list compiled by a mind or a heart?)
Somewhere along the path of exploring my own mind…
and also my own feelings
the latter of which I have always had more trouble with discerning because I need time to…
and the mind isn’t particularly generous with time, it wants a ‘feeling’ now (and it wants it to be clear, mind-style, to use the way a mind wants to use it) and if the feeling system isn’t ready with a feeling the mind will fill in the blank (and doesn’t really care if the feeling it thinks into existence is the actual feeling which exists).
I realised at some point (at a rather pointy point which managed to make its point) that many of my feelings weren’t ‘feelings’ at all but the constructs of the mind – basically my mind was deciding what I was feeling and… it was making a mess of the whole feeling system in a way which made feeling stuff really awkward (particularly when my real feeling did not agree with the feelings the mind – mine or that of another – had decided I should be having).
Because the mind doesn’t understand the feeling function but it thinks it does (and thinks it does it better than the feeling function does it – it’s wrong but don’t tell the mind it’s wrong because then ego gets involved and… everything devolves and spirals into complex complications from there).
(this story has quite a few holes in it… and I’m not sure how this fence is still standing, but… that’s life and human fable)
The incident which brought this to the attention of whatever part of the self is neither mind nor feeling but encompasses them as part of a whole was fairly banal yet obviously not banal enough to be ignored.
My mind required for me to ‘feel’ angry, but I did not feel angry. My mind was adamant that I should (‘should’ is a word of the mind so when it comes up in internal conversations you know that your mind is presiding over the issue) feel angry and launched into some argument/debate about why I should feel that way.
My feelings were ‘Meh!’ about the whole thing…
which only infuriated my mind – how dare I question it!!!
“Be angry!” – it ordered.
My feelings which up until this point tended to err on the side of whatever the mind wanted… decided that they’d had enough of this dictator dictating to them what they should or should not be feeling – they realised it understood less about feelings than feeling did and suddenly the jig was up and the mind no longer had control…
And not having control is something which scares the mind because it’s got so much it needs to control or else… or else the sky will fall, the world will crumble, and all hell will break loose… and other scary fairy tales the mind tells all the other parts of you to maintain control over them and over everything (ha…!)
My feeling in this case refused to be angry because they were not that way inclined… and for once the mind just folded and let the feelings be as they truly were.
This opened up something new for me… clarity… it made me see that so many of the ‘feelings’ I had weren’t ‘feelings’ but ‘thoughtlings’.
And suddenly slowly what had once not made sense (because it was left to the mind to make something of it and sense was not what it was making of it) made sense… for awhile, while it lasted… feeling is fleeting (a fact and concept which the mind can’t seem to understand, perhaps because it wants permanence where only impermanence can subsist).
For all the rhetoric the mind spews about change… it does not like the reality of real change.
An example of this is when someone says something to you which may be rather tactless but you aren’t really bothered by it until your mind decides that you should be bothered by it – once your mind decides that something (or someone) is bothersome it then tells you that your feelings should be hurt by it (by them), and because your feelings are hurt by it you should feel angry/upset.
If you agree to go with the mind’s take on feeling and feel what your mind has thought into feeling – thoughtlings – even though you’re not actually feeling this ‘feeling’… your mind may require that you confront the person who said something tactless and demand some sort of apology/restitution/reward (an apology is a reward of sorts for a wrong you feel/think has been done to you by another).
But what if you’re wrong about their wrong?
And what if you do them wrong through a wrong you perceive that they’ve done to you?
Is it okay for them to get upset with you… because you’re upset with them?
Does your mind accept that its missions to correct can cause errors that others’ minds then go on a mission to correct?
Can your mind handle that what you do to others… others may do to you? Or is the mind only a one-way street where it can do to others but others can’t do to it what it does to them
This confrontation could be the beginning of the end of a good relationship and all because your mind took control and was allowed to run amok… because the other parts of you were more afraid of confronting your own mind than they were of confronting someone else.
Of course things can go the other way around…
you may not confront someone else because their mind frightens your mind and you go out of your way to appease their mind with yours regardless of how it makes you feel to do that…
chances are if you let your own mind dictate to you… you’ll let the minds of others also dictate to you what you should or shouldn’t do (and your mind will pass this order onto the rest of you).
Because the mind part of humans have a hierarchy and if our mind meets another mind which is more powerful (or just seems that way – because appearances lie within the remit of the mind and mind games…)… your mind which claims all sorts of powerful abilities will suddenly become a willing slave to someone else’s mind.
This person told me to be angry and so I must be angry…
This person told me not to be angry and so I must not be angry (while your feeling systems begin to boil and bubble over…)
The reason I’m using anger as the default ‘feeling’ of this post is because it’s pretty much a default feeling (and thoughtling) for me… or at least it’s the one with which I’m most comfortable and familiar.
It’s the most conscious one for me…
it’s my go-to feeling both in mind and in emotion – it’s useful in many ways (depending on which part of the anger cluster you use – want to move a particularly heavy piece of furniture, or keep going when you’re physically spent, stay awake when you want to sleep, deal with someone who thinks they’re bigger, better and more bullish than you… get angry with a controlled burn).
But it can also be a nuisance and not useful at all…
so someone forgot you don’t like pepperoni on your pizza, is this really a matter which needs anger to wade in and not sort out but create a fight which will end a friendship!? Are your fingers really that incapable of removing pepperoni, are your tastebuds really that high maintenance that the slightest taste of pepperoni will make you hate someone who more often than not is there for you (did you ever consider how much they put up with that which you forget about them and their tastes, etc? They eat the pepperoni-less pizza you buy them even though you know they love it).
Anger when ruled by the mind alone (which often thinks it involves feeling but that feeling you’re feeling is actually not feeling at all but a concoction of ego + mind which convinces you that this is emotion…) can eff up your life and pass that on to others and then justify this effery over and over until everyone gives up except you – you’re still hanging on to that piece of problem pepperoni (wondering why all those you love have abandoned you – meat rots so maybe throw the piece of pepperoni away as three years later this fight is beginning to stink!)
Or maybe hang onto it because… this tiny circle of meat is the meat that feeds your mind, and that stink is how you ward off predators!
You never know…
but your mind sure as hell wants to think itself into thinking it knows everything.