If you were to ask me what the worst thing I have ever done to a narcissist has been…
I’d have to take a long pause to think about it while I sort through all the imaginary worst things which the narcissists in my life think I’ve done to them (and spent hours on end telling me about because I needed to know this… like the mysterious case of the missing spoons) and come across something I did actually do.
The list of worst things you can do to a narcissist is pretty much endless if it’s the narcissist who compiles it.
A real narcissist (and I’m using ‘real narcissist’ simply to distinguish from the plethora of ‘narcissists’ which are out there according to people who are under the influence of what is hot, trendy and popular… the label of the moment to apply to people who piss you off with their behaviour is ‘narcissist’) tends to look for the worst (while often claiming they look for the best… but no one ever meets their standards of best) and find it because they’re looking for it and really want to find it then point it out like a child finding an Easter Egg during a Treasure Hunt. Look, look, look… I found a golden ticket to the Chocolate Factory!
Go anywhere online, particularly to something which is going viral and you’ll find comments on the viral post by narcissists finding the worst in something which others are enjoying…
Like this tit bit – This K-Pop Star Firing An Arrow Might Be The Most Majestic Thing To Ever Happen – which pretty much invited all narcissists to engage and criticise as it waved the bacon of – the most majestic thing to ever happen – in their faces. They need to tear whoever isn’t them off the majestic pedestal right now! The most likely to be narcissists (or just very narcissistic) are the ones who comment with – this is a terrible thing to do as it will tear your scalp off your head! Thank you, pussy generation (pus-gen trademarked by Clint & son), for pointing out what could have happened but didn’t happen and can we get back to enjoying this random act of maybe beauty in a chaotic world without needing to make it ugly because there’s already enough ugly out there and within us all just because you’re not part of it – as in you’re not centre stage being celebrated for being the majestic one of the moment.
If the narcissist in your life is a sensitive soul (who has tested online as an HSP and/or INFP/J and uses these results to justify why you can’t do or say anything around them without them getting upset at you. They’re SUPER SENSITIVE!!! and they’ll hold that against you like a loaded gun with a hair trigger) who is easily bruised… expect even more worst things that you’ve done to them to be a part of your personal landscape.
(I’m only telling you this awful truth about yourself because I love you… said every narcissist everywhere)
There was that time that I said exactly what I was thinking (this is where I go wrong – or right when viewed from a certain, dare I say healthy, angle – every time with every narcissist I have ever known) because the narcissist asked me to be honest as ‘they’d rather have the painful truth than a comforting lie’ – I knew they were lying about that, but I decided to test them and their claim that they wanted honesty rather than white lies catering to their hyper sensitive self/ego. How did I know they were lying? Mainly because I’d been honest with them all along and somehow they seemed to see my regular honesty as not honest or not honest enough (by a narcissist’s warped ideal standards) enough for them (ah, narcissists… nothing is ever enough for them!). Usually I softened my honesty with them (with everyone because… diplomacy and do you really need to say things that bluntly…?), but this time I didn’t tape bubblewrap to its hard edges.
And of course you know what came next if you’ve had dealings with a ‘real’ narcissist – drama, drama, DRAMA!!!
For a narcissist who had been ignoring me on a regular basis unless they needed attention (and my ignoring them in return was tantamount to Mount Vesuvius doing another Pompeii), they suddenly couldn’t not ignore me me enough… except for the time in between replying to me where they needed to think and think the way only a narcissist knows how to do – really stiffly and totally not able to do spontaneous.
The worst thing you can do to a narcissist is to put them on the spot and expect them to deal with spontaneous moments of anything. Hello, life calling and you either answer the call right now and say whatever pops into and out of your mouth or… How dare life do that to a narcissists! They need to figure out what their spontaneous response will be and if it will give them gold stars on their chart.
Luckily I was in a bad place and it was a bad time for me (which I’d warned them about repeatedly because I knew they couldn’t handle real person being real stuff… and they typically for a narcissist they completely didn’t heed the repeated warnings – to stay the eff away from me for their own narcissistic good – because their needy needs needed my attention, now, now, NOW! as life was being mean to them and they wanted a pick-me-up) so I wasn’t feeling thoughtful, compassionate or any of those other things which narcissists tell you that you are, prepping you for being the person they need you to be for them.
They flatter you with how patient and nice you are… and your vanity gets the better of you and you go out of your way to live up to this saint that you’re supposed to be for them…
I was in no mood to be a bloody saint for them or for anyone, eff this shizzum… and very much in the mood to crucify anyone who didn’t heed my warnings (given aplenty and in advance, along with apologies for being a bitch going through a time in life which pressed my bitchy buttons).
If I had the chance to do it over all again with them… I’d be less thoughtful than I was and more bitchy than I was because I held myself back (why did I do that!?!) and the results showed me that there was no need to do that as things were going to go where they always go so you might as well enjoy the ride and give vent to whatever needs venting…. because they certainly ain’t going to appreciate your sacrifice nor are they going to hold back (because you have needy needs which need some slack cut while you sort yourself out).
I’d say that the worst thing I have done and continue to do to narcissists is to say and do as I please because… I tried doing things the other way – say and do what would please them – for far too long (and this training is a frigging hard habit to break) and it’s never enough to satisfy their giant pit of needy needs needing more and more and more…
(why does this quote come with an image of a person riding on a horse… is that person a narcissist forcing a horse to ride through the surf because their needy needs need an awesome shot for their instagram which others will envy? Look how superb I am living my special life… says the narcissist, while the horse hopes that whoever grooms it isn’t the narcissist because it’ll end up getting neglected as its done what the narcissist needed from it and it no longer serves a purpose… until the next time )
The reason I’m writing a post about – The worst thing to do to a narcissist – is because I spotted those words in my blog search term stats, and whether it’s phrased that way or differently, this is a popular search term. People want to know how to hurt, get back at, payback, get revenge, etc on a narcissist. It’s a natural very human reaction to being hurt by… anyone really. We’re all a bit prone to wanting to lash out at those who hurt us…
Lashing out at a narcissist who repeatedly hurts you… you just want them to feel YOUR pain. They never will… but this won’t stop you from thinking that maybe you can get through to them where no one else ever has. Narcissists can’t feel your pain because they’re in constant pain and their pain will always trump yours (if you want to ascertain this for yourself you should have personal examples aplenty if you’ve been in a relationship with a real narcissist of the typical competition which ensues if you even stub your toe around a narcissist which prompts them to bash their ankle or slice their finger or whatever wins them the prize of a better injury than yours in the moment).
People may feel that the narcissist (or someone they’ve decided is a narcissist) in their life has done them wrong and to balance the scales of shit this person did to them versus shit they did to the person they’re after a way to do their worst… right back at you!
This is going to solve everything… especially if you’re dealing with a real narcissist because they’ll totally be struck impotent by the worst which you do to them, they’re not going to be petty, they’re not going to seek to do even worse to you (so you won’t have to search online for – how to do even worse than the worse thing to do to a narcissist), they’re not going to bounce back from having written you off, they’re not going find this the perfect storm for more drama on their part which will rain a storm of hurt down on you (because you’re not the only one who wants those who hurt you to feel YOUR pain – this is something a narcissist feels even more strongly than you do about, they want others to feel THEIR pain and feel it… for them. Narcissists totally play fair and will let you win… they’ll wave a white flag and give up, yeah? Nah! If this is the route you’re going down with a ‘real’ narcissist then you may be stuck in this ever-deepening rut for years to come, hope you don’t have better plans for a better life.
I can understand the desire to go there…
I also know from experience that going there is going nowhere most of the time… sometimes you end up in a hell which you created for yourself and admitting that your self-created hell is worse than the hell you were in which they created can be difficult to do.
They did something to you, something which hurt you and so you did something to them,to hurt them back… which ended up hurting you far more than it ever made any impact on them… worse still they’re kind of pleased that you’re more miserable than ever before because at least you’re not better off than they are and that’s something they need – for others to be worse off then they can feel better about themselves.
Poor you, they always knew you were a loser, they tried to save you (by holding you underwater and waiting for you to drown while calling it something else…)… but you were a lost cause and they had to cut you loose to save themselves…
(this is quite a good version of a trend which has been around for awhile – getting rid of ‘toxic people’ from your life – narcissists often think that’s what they’re doing when they ‘discard’ you, and since it’s trendy, society approved, they can discard away with popular justification to back them up)
These days I tend to view people who wonder how to avenge themselves on a narcissist as possibly being a narcissist who has decided that someone who isn’t a narcissist is one and they want to hurt them – because hurting people is something narcissists tend to want to do, and do even when they don’t want to do it.
(I know this thinking is faulty… but… oh, those ‘buts’ which keep us going!)
Narcissists always feel that they’ve been wronged… and wronged by you, me, everyone else on the planet.
How do we all wrong them?
Well… if you’re a complete stranger, you wrong them by not knowing they exist. If you walk by them in the street you should be staring so hard at them that you burn them with your gaze. Your lack of paying attention to them has wronged them. Just be careful that you don’t make them feel awkwardly awkward if you do notice them as that could wrong them too… unless they are method-acting their way through a persona who thrives on being awkward because it’s so ‘IN’ to be that way. Weird is cool… so make them feel weird about themselves… but in a good way!
If you’re a celebrity… why are you a celebrity and not them!?!… that’s how you, Celebrity, have wronged them. You could at least become best friends with them – they’re not like your other ‘ordinary’ fans and obsessed stalkers – as your friendship with them would elevate them above the teaming masses who adore you to that special place where they belong and that would mitigate their increased loathing of you and the pain they feel which you’re inflicting on them. As your best friend they’d still hate you for being a celebrity when they’re the ones who should be celebrated… but next to you they’re almost in the spotlight (and will figure a way to knock you out of it and knock themselves into it using you).
(if you’ve had a relationship with a real narcissist watching this series will be nigh on impossible unless you’re okay with frothing at the mouth and walking out of the room while its on on a regular basis… pity, because it’s very good… for those who want to see a narcissist at work in a relationship)
If you’re a casual acquaintance… how dare you be so casual towards them!!! They’re important and you should make it known that you know that or they’ll get a big case of the sulks (and if you’re someone working in a shop they frequent they may even try to get you fired because they’re doing the right thing and you’re doing it wrong so you don’t deserve to have a job, make money, keep a roof over your head, pay your bills, and other things which aren’t the narcissist’s concern – their concern is that you didn’t show enough concern about them as your lord and master when they bought a lottery ticket from you – their lottery ticket didn’t win the jackpot, how dare it and how dare you sell them a ticket which didn’t win!).
If you’re a friend… where were you when they texted you and needed an immediate reply. What’s that? They never reply immediately to your texts… ffs, they were very busy during those times being very busy and important while doing special stuff. What? So were you when you didn’t reply immediately to their text… OMG! How very dare you! You don’t have a life, only they have a life!
Did you not drop everything when they had an emergency!?
Did you not understand that their cry for “Help, help, HELP!’ wasn’t a little boy who cried ‘WOLF!’ ?
Did you think that because of all the other times they’ve had emergencies, dramas that needed immediate attention, and cried for help, Help, HELP! (not WOLF!) and haven’t responded to you to say thank you, let you know they’re okay, and have survived once again (from a wolf attack) after you’ve quickly in a panic to help them responded to them… that meant that this time you could relax and take your time, maybe even ignore them…IGNORE THEM!!!! That’s only something they’re allowed to do to others because they know that others are not important enough, but them…. NO ONE IGNORES THEM!
Sorry, you were what? Holding your baby at the time and dropping it is not advisable? How is your baby more worthy than the narcissist of your immediate care and attention? They had a hang nail which was causing them distress, or a light bulb which needed changing, or an insult they needed some sucking up from you to undo the harm it had done… their pain knows no bounds and their needs for pain balm requires immediate application form you because you’re the pain balm applier of the moment. Your lack of ability to fulfill your duties has been duly noted in the narcissist’s black book of disappointment and hurt caused to them by others… people who must be paid back at some point for this crime against such a delicate flower or strong macho plant which is very misunderstood.
(something is not right with this picture/quote… or maybe I’m just misunderstanding it)
If you’re more than a friend, in an intimate relationship with them… you’re breathing, right? Your breathing is bothering them and that’s the worst thing in the world for them, listening to you breathe. Ugh! The way you chew your food is painful to watch and is the worst thing you could do to them. The manner in which you walk… that’s embarrassing them… why are you stopping? That’s even more embarrassing for them! Don’t walk but don’t stop walking either – both are the worst thing to do to them! Your speaking voice… it grates and their ears are now bleeding because you’re talking – that’s the worst thing, stop talking!
Wait, what do you do now that they’ve asked you if they look good in that outfit!? Talk? But if you talk it hurts them… but not talking is now hurting them too? Why are you being silent!!! They hate the silent treatment… it’s the worst thing you could do to them right now as they’re in the middle of some dire need drama!!!
If you have been in a relationship (of any sort) with a real narcissist (rather than someone you’ve decided is a narcissist because they caused a red flag to flutter for you, the sort of red flag anyone might accidentally flap because… oops… they were being human, perhaps a little selfish, maybe mildly deceitful saying they had more inches or kindness than they actually have…) you’ll know by now that anything you do (even just existing once a narcissist would like for you to cease to exist, even if it’s just temporarily when it suits them…) is the worst thing to do to a narcissist…
your asking of that question has me asking questions about you and your ‘narcissist’.
If you’re the narcissist then the worst thing to do to a person whom you’ve decided is a narcissist (but they’re not, you are) is keep pummeling them with your presence in their life because that’s torture for them, even if they put up with it and love you regardless of all the shit you put them through – they keep hoping that the person you pretended to be while wooing them and sweeping them off their feet (because you wanted to be the person you pretended to be and you thought they could make that happen for you as they matched some ideal perfect partner for a perfectionist like you that is unrealistic, but… as a narcissist what is unrealistic is a dream you’re determined will come true as long as you keep believing in it coming true, don’t settle for anything less – anything less is not good enough for you – and everyone sacrifices themselves for it to come true for you… and throwing themselves into the volcano will never appease the volcano god, but…) will one day be the person you re-become even though that’s never going to happen, not for them anyway (might happen for someone new during honeymoon phase time).
If you’re not the narcissist then the worst thing to do to a narcissist is to stop spending so much of your life time searching online for what the worst thing you can to do a narcissist is. If your narcissist is a real narcissist everything you do is the worst thing to do at some point in you doing stuff which is normal human stuff.
Being born is the worst thing you did to your narcissist parents… even though they may have deliberately gone out of their way (huff-puff) to have you…
Being alive is the worst thing to do to a narcissist who sees you as representing everything they want to cease to exist – they’ve projected and transferred all their bad shit onto you and you must now die to free them from it… even if all that stuff has nothing to do with you or your life and right to keep living…
However if you need some less philosophical, existential, and more practical ‘worst things’ to do to a narcissist because you’re determined to have an impact on someone made of solid non-impactable substance – check out the advice given on how to ‘get rid of a narcissist’. which you will find in every article, post and book written about narcissists.
Things like No Contact and Gray Rock Method…
(I hadn’t heard of the gray rock method – although I have used and recommended something similar long before it had a label and official ‘methodology’ – until someone mentioned it in a comment as something they tried which only made things worse with their narcissist) fall into the parameters of – stuff which narcissists don’t want you to do to them (but which they might do to you, particularly if they’ve convinced themselves you’re the narcissist, have researched what to do to a ‘narcissist’ online, deal with you accordingly and do everything advice articles on how to handle narcissists tell you to do, ’cause everyone’s the same in narcworld, only the narc is different from everyone, so treat all people as though they’re machine made in a factory. That should work… as the worst thing to do to people).
The worst thing to do to a narcissist is to treat them as an ordinary person. Expecting them to be okay with being treated that way – like you are when they do that to you (because narcissists love it when you do to them what they do to you – NOT!) is folly. They’re never okay with being treated as though they can handle being human and what humans are used to handling on a regular basis.
If you really want to know what’s the worst thing to do to your particular narcissist it’s worth bearing in mind that they never shut up about the things which hurt, harm, pain, distress and disappoint them. They’ve probably told you what the worst thing to do to them is – because they’re stupid…ly generous like that. But you probably weren’t listening with an ear to list shit which hurts like hell for them. You might want to look in your list of shit I should never do to this person… you know that list you made while you were trying to be the best person for them, and they kept adding things to it for you because your best was never enough for them. You changed the channel on the TV after they bitched about what you were watching but then they bitched even more about your change of channel – you’ve ruined their favourite show for them by flicking away from it at a crucial point (no, they don’t have the ability to replay that episode like everyone else does… it’s ruined… by you… replaying it will just remind them of you ruining things for them!!!!)
Look at the list of stuff you’ve put on the – I probably don’t want to do this to them as I’m the sort of human who doesn’t want to hurt others deliberately – and you may find stuff you can now do deliberately to hurt them because they’ve lifted the embargo on it by being someone who you know want to hurt deliberately.
Are you a ‘bad person’ for wanting to do that?
Some might ask this while others won’t… does the answer matter? You’re done giving fecks, right? Including those fecks which might save you a whole lot of trouble… I mean, a whole lot more trouble than you are already dealing with.
Think not what the worst thing to do to a narcissist is… think what is the worst thing a narcissist could do to you (and did you accidentally tell them what that was while you liked and trusted them? They will use it against you, probably already have while you were still supposedly allies…
Worst thing I ever did to a narcissist was… be a selfish fuck and do shit for myself and not think about them at all… as in forget them because thinking about them is damaging my grey cells (and at my age I need to look after those strange beings if I want to think… maybe I shouldn’t want to think).
Ultimately whatever you choose to do, whether it is to do worse things to a narcissist to get even with them (you’ll never get that if they’re the ones keeping score, and if they influence your score-keeping) or to opt out of a game which is sometimes called – damned if you do and damned if you don’t…
Best wishes on your adventure… this is part of your story, of you as much as it is about their story and them…
sometimes we confuse which is which and get perplexed by it…
we’re human and humans are still figuring this thing called being human out (in some crazy and complicated ways….)
some people think narcissists aren’t human… in some ways they’re more human than non-narcissists, the primal kind of human who uses their gift of strength to punch people instead of to endure the shit people sometimes throw their way… turn the other cheek, cut some slack, say hey man… I get it, let’s both chill and maybe avoid each other until we can deal on some other level…
others help us to know ourselves…
we help them to know themselves…
we don’t always want that much information about ourselves… or others…
and we get a little bit stuck somewhere, with someone, while we wait for ourselves to be ready to move on…
(it’s funny how the things we used to ‘ove reveal so much about our situation… I used to love this song and thought it was about real love… until I realised it was about narcissistic love and that is the worst kind of love to be loved with by another… and the most painful way to love another)
which may require embracing, accepting, the dark side of ourselves…
and of others…
and then saying this dark side stuff is too laborious, I’m gonna go with some light side stuff instead.
Or try… but the dark side keeps pulling me back in (is it really or are you pushing yourself there).