Taking the Narcissist Test

Apparently you can determine whether you’re a Narcissist or not simply by taking this test – Narcissistic Personality Inventory.

Of course it’s not really designed to determine whether or not you’re a Narcissist, what it’s actually for is to assess your personal narcissism, and this is pointed out in the intro (see below).

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npi-intro

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Even though it clearly states and stresses that it is NOT a diagnostic tool, and that it should NOT be used to for anything other than educational purposes… people being people (and that often includes NOT reading instructions) will use something anyway they want to use it.

And since interest in Narcissism tends to mainly be inspired in people when they think they’re in a relationship with a Narcissist, chances are most people will use this test for very personal reasons, most probably on themselves to prove how NOT narcissistic they are and on behalf of someone else to prove how much someone else is not only narcissistic but a Narcissist.

Taking a test on behalf of someone else is… considered cheating (if you did that in school you and the other person would get into trouble with those in authority). And requires that you have a rather high level of narcissism to assume that you know how that person would answer the questions, that you know them better than they know themselves, and that you can label another human being this easily… with a label which would upset you if someone else applied it to you. If someone else took this test on your behalf, answered the questions for you, decided they knew you better than you know yourself, and concluded you were a narcissist because of the way THEY answered the questions for you on a test like this… how would you feel and what would you think about that?

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npi-questions

extract from Narcissistic Personality Inventory

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However using this to assess another person’s narcissism is exactly how those who created the test are using it… so there are grey areas which allow it to be used that way, and it is informative and can help those trying to understand another person and their narcissism.

People are sometimes hard to understand (as one of the options in one of the questions of this test points out)… particularly when those people are very narcissistic or are Narcissists.

Narcissists are like a ball of yarn which has unraveled and become a tangled mess… and trying to understand them can feel like you’re attempting to untangle that mess knot by knot, and the bits you’ve already untangled  have found a way to get tangled up again.

I tend to use my own narcissism to understand Narcissists – until I started doing that I didn’t understand Narcissists at all and was stuck going around in circles of confusion and anger. To do that I had to accept my own narcissistic tendencies rather than reject them because I was rejecting anything, everything and anyone who showed even the slightest sign of narcissism (which is a rather narcissistic thing to do).

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more-npi-questions

extract from Narcissistic Personality Inventory

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So for me taking a test like this is a way to understand my own narcissism better rather than someone else’s, which in turn helps me to understand the narcissism of others who aren’t Narcissists, and that of Narcissists better, and distinguish between someone who is just being a bit narcissistic versus someone who is a Narcissist.

The more you understand yourself the more you can understand others… sometimes we can find ourselves as hard to understand as others.

For me taking a test of any sort is a challenge, partly because I have dyslexia and misread things which makes me confused and then I get frustrated at being confused, but mainly because it often brings out the worst in me (the dyslexia doesn’t need to be brought out, it’s just there) – which is insightful if you want to see your own narcissism at work.

With personality tests in particular I often quit halfway through (if I even get to the halfway point), usually after getting argumentative with the questions, infuriated by the limited options given to choose as an answer, annoyed with whoever put the whole thing together (I sometimes ditch the test to investigate whoever created it), bored by repetition, and I storm off in a strop cursing the stupidity of the test. That test will cease to exist for me, but… if it really bothered me I’ll stew over it for days, arguing with it and about it in my head. If anyone mentions the test (from hell) to me during this time I’ll want to rant at them, but will probably just shrug dismissively and say ‘Meh’ – a diss and dismiss aimed at the test not at the person but the person may take it personally as aimed at them which may upset them as they didn’t have the experience I did with the test and they’re wondering why I dissed and dismissed them when they wanted to share something they liked, which was important to them, with me.

Having said that…

I thought I’d take this test right here, and we can score my Narcissism together. Please note that my answers reflect how I perceive things and myself at this time and are subject to fluctuations – I would have answered this differently before and may answer it differently later if I were to ever take it again

Let’s begin:

1.

I have a natural talent for influencing people

I am not good at influencing people

my ans – This question really needs to clarify what ‘influencing’ means, are we talking about brainwashing Svengali-esque manipulation or encouraging cheerleading support. Do they mean someone who convinces someone else to jump off of a cliff to a) kill themselves or b) participate in and perhaps win a cliff-diving competition. Do they mean deliberate and conscious influencing which could be for the good of the influencer while not so good for the influenced or for the good of both and maybe others too, or just the kind of influencing which everyone does unconsciously by being themselves and having an effect on others. Without further clarification I can only give a vague answer to a vague question – I have a natural talent for influencing people like all people do, whether I’m good at it or not is a moot point.

2.

Modesty doesn’t become me

I am essentially a modest person

my ans – I’d say I was fairly modest, no idea if it becomes me or not as I’ve never asked modesty if it was trying to become me (not really sure why anyone would want to become me, but Narcissists often try to become other people so maybe Modesty is a Narcissist)

3.

I would do almost anything on a dare

I tend to be a fairly cautious person

my ans – I tend to be an overly cautious person to the point where certain types of people (Narcissists) see it as a dare to break through my barriers and get me to be careless because then… they win (and punch the air shouting I WIN! like those obnoxious kids in those game adverts they used to show on TV during cartoons).  While I won’t do anything on a dare without thinking about it and considering the cost and value of it, I can be daring – I have spent most of my life daring to be myself (learning the hard way the cost of not being myself) and being cautious has helped me to do that.

4.

When people compliment me I sometimes get embarrassed

I know that I am good because everyone keeps telling me so

my ans – I said something along the lines of – When people compliment me I sometimes get embarrassed – just the other day in a post which confused someone who was concerned that they’d upset me if they complimented me on my posts, and I’ve said it many times before that in other posts, and in other ways and places. It’s a quirk which I often point out to people so they won’t be confused by my odd behaviour when if they give me a compliment and requires no special treatment, the embarrassment passes (is my problem and not yours) and a compliment is always a lovely gift to be given (as long as it’s not coming from a Narcissist = strings ready to tangle you up in their messy yarn)

5.

The thought of ruling the world frightens the hell out of me

If I ruled the world it would be a better place

my ans – If I ruled the world… just the other day someone started a conversation with me using those very words. It was a Trumpversation so I interrupted them and pointed out that ruling the world means dealing with the people of the world who expect you to perform miracles and if you don’t they get disappointed and start having ‘If I ruled the world…’ conversations where they wax fantastic about how they’d do a better job than you would but they’re not crazy enough to put themselves forward for a job only lunatics seem to want and which guarantees you only one thing – the contempt of the world. Maybe the world does not want to be a better place, maybe it likes itself as it is and would like the human part of the world’s population to stop with this ‘you’re broken, let me fix you’ nonsense (maybe it feels like most of us do when a Narcissist wants us to be who we’re not and breaks us to fix us).

6.

I can usually talk my way out of anything

I try to accept the consequences of my behaviour

my ans – I can talk my way out of most things – skill learned from growing up with Narcissists and having to talk my way out of the many traps they set for me, the viper pits into which they pushed me, and the dramas they created. Accepting the consequences of your behaviour is just one way of talking your way out of something. My behaviour often got me into the traps, viper pits and dramas – it’s not all the Narcissists’ fault, especially if you’ve been through the experience as many times as I have… at some point I had to stop myself because they were never going to stop. If I do something bad, I’ll own up to it – that’s the best talk in that kind of situation. If however someone is accusing me of doing something bad which I did not do, which means they’re talking me into something then I’ll talk my way out of it… unless staying silent is the better option.

7.

I prefer to blend in with the crowd

I like to be the center of attention

my ans – My experience of being the centre of attention has mostly been unpleasant. The attention was often that of the Narcissists in my life and when they’re making you the focal point of their beady eyes they’re up to something if they’re being nice, they’ve chosen you for a ‘special’ purpose which will leave you wishing they had kept ignoring you, or they’ve decided that you’re going to be the target of their stress release and they’re about to get very nasty. If the attention happened to come from others, and was initially a pleasant surprise… the Narcissists in my life would soon make me regret that others had momentarily made me the centre of their attention – it’s the attention and position which belongs only to the Narcissists!

8.

I will be a success

I am not too concerned about success

my ans – Define ‘success’ because what I consider to be success may not be what the person who created this question (and thus is using it to score me) considers to be success. Are we talking about society’s narcissistic ideals of material success – money, power, fame, status, perfect teeth, ideal weight, cosmetic beauty, etc. or the philosophical and abstract vision of success – love, happiness, kindness, goodness, etc – or a personalised version of success which others may rate as being ‘not success’ – I got up this morning, success! I didn’t crush my thumb with the hammer, success! I didn’t spill anything on this white shirt, success!

9.

I am no better or worse than most people

I think I am a special person

my ans – Totes the first one, that’s logical and true. The second one sounds like something you would say after being brainwashed by a cult and you’re too terrified to say anything else.

10.

I am not sure if I would make a good leader

I see myself as a good leader

my ans – The last time I can remember being appointed the leader of a group I ended up getting pushed by the weight of the entire group into a concrete wall because the person at the back fell over forwards, knocking everyone else forwards and that momentum reached me, ending with a bang. Luckily I have a hard head (which still has a bump where skull met wall). I cradled my head for a second, then got up, and laughed to let everyone know I was okay (only a couple of people actually realised what had happened to me at the front, the others were more concerned about what had happened to them). Everyone was okay so play continued after that (this was at school). After that… I really can’t recall ever being appointed a leader again and not because my memory was affected by possible brain damage (although… I’d never considered that option) or because I shied away from that position due to trauma (although… hmmmm) but because most of my experiences of being a leader as an adult have been more casual. I prefer environments where everyone is on an equal footing with the lead shared amongst the group, with people taking the lead when it is relevant for them to do so – because of knowledge or skill, etc.

11.

I am assertive

I wish I were more assertive

my ans – I sometimes wish that I was more assertive (had more chutzpah), however those who come into contact with me tend to sometimes wish I was less assertive (because of my manner of expressing myself which can be a bit blunt). Some people (Narcissists) make the mistake of assuming that my laid back (lazy) and reserved (shy) demeanour, and tendency to be polite (particularly with those I don’t know so as not to scare them) and friendly means I’m a pushover… they get quite a surprise and nasty shock when the pushover bounces back and bops them on the nose (I’m imagining one of those air-filled rubber dummies that you can punch, which swings back and forth and hits you thanks to the force of your own punch and the fact that you’re not floating like a butterfly and just stood there).

12.

I like to have authority over other people

I don’t mind following orders

my ans – I was only following orders… hmmmm… fairly certain those words have a sinister connotation. Neither one of these is my answer (but the maker of this test doesn’t give you the option to not choose either – their orders if you want a score are to pick one even if neither suits you and therefore will muddy the results). I don’t mind following orders if those orders make sense, and it makes sense for me to follow them. I don’t mind having authority if it makes sense for me to have it and the other people are in agreement with it making sense for me to have that authority over them.

13.

I find it easy to manipulate people

I don’t like it when I find myself manipulating people

my ans – While it is at times easy to manipulate people, particularly if they’re helping you to do it and may even want you to do it, it is never easy to manipulate people. I do not like doing it and will go out of my way not to do it even if it makes my life harder (such as in not doing socially acceptable and encouraged manipulations, like the advice which life coaches tell you to do to be ‘successful’, to win friends and influence people) and would make my life easier if I did do it. It’s difficult not to manipulate people, including yourself – we all manipulate our self image, which is a form of manipulation of others. My reluctance to manipulate comes from growing up with Narcissists, watching them do exactly that, having it done to me, helping them do it to me, helping them do it to other people, and listening to my father’s ‘lessons’ on how to manipulate people, and hearing my mother claim she couldn’t manipulate a person even if her life depended on it – which was something she said most often when she was manipulating me, sometimes she would follow that with ‘but you’re like your father, so good at manipulating people’ and then she would tell me who she wanted me to manipulate on her behalf – because if I do it for her, follow her orders, I’m the one getting my hands dirty while she gets to keep her hands clean and remain innocently incapable of manipulating anyone. If I get caught, she’s the CIA. The only time when it’s totally fine to manipulate myself or someone else is when that someone else is a Narcissist and I don’t want to have anything to do with them and their plans for me (which may include using me to manipulate someone else – one of the fav tactics of Narcissists). In some ways this test is manipulative of people, and people may manipulate themselves in order to finish this test and get what they want which is a score based on their answers (whether their answers suit them or not). I could manipulate this test to give me a high or low score – but what would be the point of that.

14.

I insist upon getting the respect that is due me

I usually get the respect I deserve

my ans – This is a bit like one of those Zen puzzle stories – The moment you stop searching for enlightenment is when you find it. That kind of thing. Where respect is concerned I tend to focus my attention on self-respect. If I respect myself others will most likely take their cue from the way I’m treating myself and allowing myself to be treated. I got that from a book which pointed out that if you’re constantly putting yourself down other people will think that’s how you like being treated because it’s the way you’re treating yourself. So if you want to be respected, respect yourself. And part of self-respect is being respectful of others – if you treat others with respect more often than not they’ll return the favour, but if they don’t that’s not a cue for you to disrespect them (that’s the sort of logic Narcissists use to excuse their switch from being nice to you to being nasty to you – you didn’t respond to their nice according to their script, they didn’t get the reward for being nice which they expected, therefore they can now be nasty to you). Concepts like respect need to be a living breathing experience not a strategic mental exercise designed to get you something. It’s a bit like karma.

15.

I don’t particularly like to show off my body

I like to show off my body

my ans – I don’t think of my body in those terms – as something to show off or not show off. It’s a part of the whole of me not this separate thing which I may or may not ‘show off’. Weird question – both options are treating the body as an object which is a narcissistic thing to do.

16.

I can read people like a book

People are sometimes hard to understand

my ans – Depends on the book. Depends on the individual person. Some people read themselves to you and if you listen the story can be revealing, insightful and interesting. Some people go out of their way to never be read, to be hard to understand… maybe because they don’t understand themselves and don’t like what they read in their own pages. Our understanding of others relies a lot on our understanding of ourselves – if we can read ourselves we can read quite a bit of others. Perhaps this question really should ask – Can you read yourself like a book or Do you find yourself hard to understand. It also needs to ask you how you read books… some people only read the title, maybe they’ll read the blurb on the back, then they put the book back on the shelf and fill in the blanks with their own version of what’s inside on its pages. They do that with people too, sometimes they only want those people to decorate their shelves, and think they know those people, then they get annoyed when those people aren’t who they thought they were.

17.

If I feel competent I am willing to take responsibility for making decisions

I like to take responsibility for making decisions

my ans – If I waited until I felt competent I’d never make any decisions, as it is making decisions takes me ages because I have to go through all the options and their consequences (including how this affects everyone involved). When faced with the task of having to make a decision I accept responsibility for it before I make it and after I’ve made it. I sometimes accept responsibility for the decisions of others, particularly if they made one for me because I was taking too long to make one myself and there was a deadline which I missed – basically I made a decision, by not making one, not to make a decision and must accept the consequences of that as my responsibility. Not sure if I was always this dithering, I think when I was a toddler I was much more definite (fairly certain my mother used to get annoyed with me for being too decisive), but living with Narcissists will make making decisions a nerve-wracking experience. Damned whatever you do, decide, don’t do, don’t decide. Damned whatever they decide too because if a decision of theirs doesn’t work out for them it’ll become a decision of yours. It was a Narcissist who made me make the firm and final decision of always being responsible for my decisions. If I’m damned no matter what I decide then I want to make sure my damned decision is mine.

18.

I just want to be reasonably happy

I want to amount to something in the eyes of the world

my ans – That’s a weird coupling of options. I guess there’s a connection between them for the creator of this test – maybe this is revealing the test-maker’s own issue with happiness or being something. It’s also rather vague. What is this something? Donald Trump amounts to something in the eyes of the world – your eyes have already made that calculation of what he amounts to for your part of the world’s eyes. Charles Manson does too. As does Kim Kardashian. And Gandhi. Both options are fleeting and prone to the vagaries of the moment – one minute you’re one kind of something in the eyes of the world and the next minute you’re another kind of something. One minute eating chocolate makes you happy and then it gives you indigestion and that’s not so happy-making.

19.

My body is nothing special

I like to look at my body

my ans – Stupid question. If you don’t think your body is special try living without it.  As for liking to look at it… depends on how you look at it when you’re looking at it.

20.

I try not to be a show off

I will usually show off if I get the chance

my ans – See what they did there. The difference between being and doing – being a show off and showing off. When someone is being a show off it is usually annoying to everyone else. While we can all appreciate when someone is showing off, especially when we feel they deserve to do so and we’re happy for them, as long as they don’t do this all the time, shove it in our faces and make us feel bad about ourselves or just bothered in some other way. Personally I only tend to show off if it’s funny and others can join in, otherwise I tend to keep that kind of thing private. Showing off is a chance to celebrate your own shine and achievements, it will attract admirers and applause, but it’s also like sending up a flare to the envious, jealous, and greedy (Narcissists) who come to steal your shine, then watch you fall for being prideful. If you don’t fall they’ll deliberately trip you up and then laugh at you, and then they’ll show off that they were the ones to bring you down!

21.

I always know what I am doing

Sometimes I am not sure what I am doing

my ans – Both simultaneously. If I say – I know what I’m doing – run and take cover! because something is about to explode, collapse… maybe me, with laughter. I never know what I’m doing but sometimes I do – it surprises me as much as it may surprise others.

22.

I sometimes depend on people to get things done

I rarely depend on anyone else to get things done

my ans – I’d rather not depend on anyone else but have you ever tried to calculate how difficult that actually is to do, especially in modern civilisation. If I want electricity, running water, for my garbage to magically disappear (and end up dumped elsewhere) every week, food, emergency services if needed, general safety in the country where I live so I can live as I do (and take it for granted), if I want to be entertained by TV, film and music, to travel, and pretty much do anything else… use the internet, have a blog, share a post… then I have to depend on people to get things done. My independence requires dependence on many people to get things done.

23.

Sometimes I tell good stories

Everybody likes to hear my stories

my ans – This is really more of a question for others to answer… although it’s usually a good idea if you’re also listening to the story you’re telling when telling a story (Narcissists rarely if ever listen to the stories which come tumbling out of them in droves… perhaps that’s what makes them such great tellers of tales, they don’t listen to themselves and therefore don’t have reality checks which might cripple a crazy and entertaining story thus making it dull and boring. Mind you, if you listen to enough crazy and entertaining stories which Narcissists tell… the plot and format gets boring. It’s the same thing over and over just with a veneer of different accessories).

24.

I expect a great deal from other people

I like to do things for other people

my ans – this is a pertinent question for something I was mulling over and explains the dynamic. I know someone who is skilled at getting other people to bend over backwards for them but does very little for others in return if anything at all. They’re a user. What was perplexing me was how pleased other people seemed to be to be used by this person, especially considering that this person likes to tell stories about how badly they treat those who no longer have any use for them and they tell these stories to those they’re intending on using or are already using. So, they’re basically telling you where you’re going to end up once they’re done with you – a character being assassinated in an anecdote. While mulling things over I pictured the joy on the face of one of the people this person uses when they were talking about helping this person – being used made them feel happy, needed, useful, not just an ordinary kind of useful but a special kind where they’re invaluable because this person can’t do anything if someone else doesn’t do it for them. People like to do things for other people, it makes them feel good about themselves, and some people tap into that and expect a great deal from others and those others are more than happy to try to meet those great expectations for the reward of doing so. As long as the interaction is mutually beneficial then I guess all is copacetic. I must admit that I do like to do things for others, but not for users – I don’t expect much from others but I do expect reciprocity and I don’t get that by being useful to a user. Guess I’m being difficult (that’s what a Narcissist would call it).

25.

I will never be satisfied until I get all that I deserve

I take my satisfactions as they come

my ans – I’m satisfied when I fart, burp, pee and poo, and sometimes when I sneeze. So… the second one. The first one… we’re back to a Zen puzzle and possible issues of what karma I’ve actually accrued versus the kind of karma I wish I had coming to me.

26.

Compliments embarrass me

I like to be complimented

my ans – Hasn’t this question already been asked? Question #26 please see answer to question #4

27.

I have a strong will to power

Power for its own sake doesn’t interest me

my ans – I got a bit distracted by the sentence – I have a strong will to power – is it the will which is so strong that it needs lots of power to power it otherwise it will stop working or is it a strong will which is powering something… but the sentence isn’t finished and therefore isn’t telling us what is being powered, eg. I have a strong will to power the windmills of my mind. I find power fascinating, have studied it in many ways because there are as many forms of power as there are people in this world inventing forms of power as they seek to get it or get out from under it, and so on. My fascination with power was inspired by the abuse of power which I witnessed in my home and family of origin, the power games they played, their obsession with all forms of power, and the obsession with power which everyone, not just Narcissists, not just the Narcissists I’ve known, seem to have. Having power for its own sake does interest me… as a sentence. I’m a bit tired (and bored by the test) and my dyslexia is making the words I’m reading go a bit funny and I just imagined power as a being I was hugging which was really enjoying the hug because it needed one. Never mind…

28.

I don’t care about new fads and fashions

I like to start new fads and fashions

my ans – I do care about new fads and fashions, they reflect the collective consciousness which is always interesting to explore, I like to know what’s interesting to others, what is catching their attention, inspiring their passion even if I don’t necessarily participate. The world of human is one of which I’m a part (even when not participating) and fads and fashions are not just fads ands and fashions but so much more – even when they’re deemed stupid by me or others. I’m not that faddy or fashionable myself. I won’t buy into something just because it’s trendy, everyone else is doing it, it’s a must do or have, you’ll get excluded if you don’t do it, etc. Peer pressure tends to have the opposite effect on me. I do it if and when I do it because I’m curious or it seems fun. Otherwise I’ll just watch and admire the sparkles of a firework from afar. If I start anything new… I probably wouldn’t realise that I started it because most new things aren’t as new as they may appear to be and are usually inspired by things which already exist with a new twist (I love new twists on old things… except when they remake a film which I love and then… although sometimes…).

29.

I like to look at myself in the mirror

I am not particularly interested in looking at myself in the mirror

my ans – Does the way we look at ourselves in the mirror reflect how we look at other people. Does it influence how we see others. If we like looking in the mirror does that make us more prone to liking it when others look at us because we’ll read less into their act of looking at us, or read more positive into their look (we like how we look so others do too), but if we don’t like looking in the mirror does that make us less comfortable about others looking at us and more prone to feeling threatened when they do (we don’t like how we look so others won’t like it either). If we’re judgemental about our reflection does that makes us think everyone who looks at us is also judging us as we do. If we’re not interested in looking in the mirror does that make us less self-conscious about our looks – or does that make us more self-conscious because we have no idea how we appear externally and rely on others for that. Do those who don’t look in the mirror think they’re better than those who do… or vice versa? Can you tell that I’ve sort of lost interest in looking at this test because I’m wandering off track and rambling philosophical (or whatevs).

30.

I really like to be the center of attention

It makes me uncomfortable to be the center of attention

my ans – This has also been asked before… #7 … and therefore already been answered.

31.

I can live my life in any way I want to

People can’t always live their lives in terms of what they want

my ans – It’s just as well that I haven’t been able to live my life based on every want, whim and wish of mine because some of the things I’ve wanted have been things I’ve later been very relieved that I didn’t get. It’s also a relief that others can’t do that either because there would probably be a lot more mayhem and murder… or maybe there wouldn’t and people would be happier, healthier and living in peace with themselves and therefore with others too… unless several people wanted the same thing (or person) and there was only one of that thing (person) available. Growing up with Narcissists you get used to denying yourself what you want (which is freedom from your Narcissist parents)… because someone else wants something and they intend to rock the cradle and wreck the boat until they get it, and you’re expected to supply it probably by denying yourself something. It seems like a raw deal, it is, but try not denying yourself, feeding yourself and starving a Narcissist… and soon denying yourself seems like a luxury you can afford.

32.

Being an authority doesn’t mean that much to me

People always seem to recognise my authority

my ans – I’d be lying if I said being an authority doesn’t mean much to me. I kind of like to see myself as an authority on my own life, and that does mean a lot to me (growing up with Narcissists – yep, I know I keep saying that and the repetition is getting on my nerves – you’re not allowed to be an authority on yourself or anything else – and you are a thing rather than a person, but you really don’t mind not being an authority on anything else, you’d just like to have authority where who you are is concerned – forget it, the Narcissist is the omnipotent authority of all, including who you are and you are deemed to be lacking, don’t worry they will fix you, your empty will be filled with everything they pour into it which is everything they don’t want if you’re a scapegoat or everything they want to be but can’t be themselves if you’re the golden child. Do people recognise my authority (ma authoritah!)? I don’t know, do you?

33.

I would prefer to be a leader

It makes little difference to me whether I am a leader or not

my ans – Again with this whole leader thing. These sort of questionnaires always repeat themselves with small variations and it can make a test like this tedious to those who are listening to the questions (Narcissists are too busy listening to the hum of them answering questions about themselves to notice that the same question has been asked and therefore they’re repeating themselves when answering it). I did read somewhere sometime ago that this repetition in a personality test is very deliberate. I think I looked it up when I was taking MBTI tests and finding them so repetitious that I had to go into a coma to finish them and get ‘typed’ – I had to take more than one MBTI test because of my type which apparently does that checking and double-checking and triple-checking. The reason for why they do this, if I can remember it, was logical and interesting that much I recall, but I’ve forgotten the explanation – something to do with catching people out if they’re not being truthful about themselves when answering a personality test. The tedium of repetition makes you careless and you end up spilling the real beans rather than the pre-prepared well-rehearsed ones… or something like that.

34.

I am going to be a great person

I am hopeful I am going to be successful

my ans – Should have asked me this years ago when I was under the influence of the pressure of society to be great and be successful, to make something of myself and my life which would get a seal of societal approval stamped on it, these days… being a great person is not defined by society and its narcissistic vision of idealism, perfectionism, and carrots that go rotten while they are dangled before you but never allowed to be munched, and being successful… see the answer to question #8. These days I’m not aiming to be a great person someday, I’m a great person when those around me feel great about themselves, and when they don’t feel great about themselves they feel able to be okay not feeling great because being human is tough do we really need to make it tougher can’t we make oases in the desert where we can all relax and just feel great because we just are who we are as we are and don’t need to chase rainbows, carrots, golden fleeces, and stuff. I am what I am and that’s what I’m going to be whether I like it or anyone else likes it or not… chill and chomp on a fresh carrot which isn’t attached to a string.

35.

People sometimes believe what I tell them

I can make anybody believe anything I want them to

my ans – This is a weird question. Seriously disturbingly weird. I have a new perspective of the person who created this test and it’s… Was this test perhaps created by a Narcissist? Probably not, but… Both options are really iffy. People aren’t stupid… sure they can be stupid, or appear to be stupid to those who think (they’re the smartest person in the room = Narcissist) that the natural trust which humans give to other humans is a stupid thing to give to others – it’s actually smart to do that but a Narcissist wouldn’t think so because they don’t get it. When people offer you the gift of their trust you have the opportunity to tell your truth or lie – be careful with which option you choose as this will set a ball rolling and you might not like where it lands. If you tell your truth and people don’t believe you – there are logical reasons why this might happen, investigate those before you go down the road of treating people like they’re stupid and don’t know the truth when they hear it. I’m used to people not believing me, I’m used to people believing the Narcissists in my life over me, because Narcissists are all about selling to others something to believe and making things believable even when it requires a huge stretch of the imagination to believe it. People may need time to process what you’ve told them – if it’s your truth then wait. If they still don’t believe it – do you believe it? Or would you believe it if someone else told it to you and you hadn’t experienced it yourself? Cognitive dissonance, personal points of reference, and many other factors are a part of what people believe and don’t believe. That old saying – the truth is stranger than fiction – is eerily accurate. You’re a people too, remember that, it’ll help you to understand others. Sometimes we believe things which aren’t true because we want them to be true or they are easy on our systems… sometimes we don’t believe things which are true because we don’t want them to be true and they’re hard on our systems, blow all the fuses and leave us drifting in a sea of confusion.

36.

I am a born leader

Leadership is a quality that takes a long time to develop

my ans – seriously, again with the leadership thing… so glad this test is almost over.

37.

I wish somebody would someday write my biography

I don’t like people to pry into my life for any reason

my ans – Have you ever wondered about those who write the bios on Wiki… the other day I spent hours exploring the bios of the Thai royal family because the king has recently died and the new king has asked for a year of mourning before being crowned, which has caused some problems… very interesting read… mind wandering… most of us have written our own bio for social media purposes and that’s a pretty difficult task even when it usually only requires a few words so imagine trying to fill a book. Maybe we’ve even asked others to do it for us because we didn’t know what to say about ourselves or how to say it – someone once asked me to help them with their bio on a blog – they wrote it in third person and I advised them not to do that because that’s really only for professional websites and sounds weird on a personal blog, it’s detached, aloof, a you can look but don’t touch me, and if what you want is to connect with others, which they said they did, then you have to be personal, person to person… they never got back to me… but I saw their blog and they went with third person. We’ve all probably read the bios of others on social media, which could be entered as evidence of how hard something so simple is to write. What is a biography? Just someone writing about who they think you are, want you to be for them… if this bio is going to be a book, it’s about the author using the subject for personal reasons and promotion rather than the subject themselves. People not prying when you’ve lived with Narcissists who never stop prying is a blissful status.

38.

I get upset when people don’t notice how I look when I go out in public

I don’t mind blending into the crowd when I go out in public

my ans – I am really grateful to all those who don’t notice how I look when I go out in public.

39.

I am more capable than other people

There is a lot that I can learn from other people

my ans – I am more capable than other people at being myself, and thanks to the Narcissists in my life I have experienced what it’s like when someone else tries to be you better than you are you, or tells you how to be you because you’re being you all wrong, and variations on that theme – there is always so much to be learned from other people, they’re like Wiki with just as many lies, errors, startling facts and links which lead you on a journey.

40.

I am much like everybody else

I am an extraordinary person

my ans – I am an extraordinary person sounds like one of those affirmations which Power of Positive Thinking coaches suggest that you say to yourself in the mirror. If you go to one of those workshops and say – I am much like everybody else – the coach will probably embarrass you in front of everyone by making an example of you of what you should not say, it will invite a lecture about what shit self esteem you have and you’d better stop being such loser with a loser mentality, which will then lead to a sales pitch because you’re going to need to spend more money on their products before you stop being such a loser. Life coaches and gurus of other sorts who lecture people while prancing and poncing about on a stage is a career which appeals to Narcissists…

I am much like everyone else and because I am I am relieved that this masturbatory test is over!

Who’s the idiot who thought I should take that test!?

After that I feel that I should become a leader who shows off their body and gets embarrassed at all the compliments it gets… for being such a great leader with a fantastic body!

Or something like that… a bath, I need a bath to wash this off but I probably won’t get it because… you can’t always get what you want, you get what you need… and I can’t get no satisfaction…

So now for the whole point of doing this – let’s find out how much of a narcissist I am.

Oh, wait… it’s kind of hard to score this test with the sort of answers I gave. Some of them were clear, but others were confusing.

But those are my answers, should I change them to fit the format even on those questions where either option wasn’t right for me – do I sacrifice accuracy for the sake of a score? A score which serves what purpose exactly? I already know I can be narcissistic…

Should I perhaps let you take the test for, maybe you’ll be more accurate than I am, maybe you know me better than I know myself…

Do you dare me to take it and manipulate my answers so they actually fit the test and result in a score – scored by some person who is… who exactly? And what was their reason for creating this test and distributing it freely online?

Ah… eff it!

I’ll do because [insert reason here – optional reasons a) don’t be a dick and just do it b) those who got this far want satisfaction]

.

after-the-npi

extract from Narcissistic Personality Inventory

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Sometimes… a test isn’t over when it says it’s over… more questions, seriously!?!  like – were your answers accurate? – are they kidding me!?! No, they weren’t because of your questions and their limited options, surely you must know that!

And no I’m not going to answer a few more questions and give you a few more minutes of my lifetime – should have made those a part of the test.

I know it’s for the worthy cause of advancing your research and career and whatnot, but I’m totally feeling narcissistic at this point after this test.

.

npi-results-and-score

extract from Narcissistic Personality Inventory

.

There you go, those are my results (above). I didn’t include the two figures which are supposed to be below as… I just didn’t. I’m exhausted – dramatic pose.

Your turn… what say you?

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37 thoughts on “Taking the Narcissist Test

  1. As mentioned above, since this post is very long, I’m sharing comments as I read them (this is the last one).

    Regarding your answer to question #40, you seem to have a judgment about believing one is extraordinary.

    I trust that we can be like everyone else in that we’re all interconnected as souls and share collective similarities, but at the same time, we can also see ourselves as individual and unique extraordinary beings; a Divine Dichotomy.

    How can we fully see (with clarity) how extraordinary another is if we can’t even see it in ourselves?

    Isn’t the human body itself—with independently and dependently operating cosmic intelligence within it—extraordinary? Of course it is.

    Throughout human history, general society has often frowned upon people unconditionally loving the self, often labeling it as selfish or narcissistic; hence, we have a conditioned habit of often uplifting others while neglecting self. It’s time for balance and harmony.

    In addition, you asked, “Who’s the idiot who thought I should take that test!?” Well, if you really think about it, the so-called “idiot” (your words) is not just someone OUT THERE since someone actually made the choice (with free will) to take the test themselves.

    Again, thank you for sharing this stimulating post; I’m grateful that I’ve learned from what doesn’t resonate with me, as well as what mostly highly resonates with my heart.

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    1. I realized that the blogger’s judgment about thinking self as extraordinary (her answer to question #40) was actually mirroring my own judgment towards the extraordinary aspect of self (that it’s too good to be true).

      It is my intention to release all doubts of self that no longer benefit my soul/Spirit evolution.

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      1. Thank you very much for sharing yourself and your insights 🙂

        Re #40 – I was a bit tired of the test by that point and was rushing to finish a very long post. However you’re right (and you weren’t just mirroring) I do have an issue with being extraordinary. It’s a complicated one to explain as it is influenced by many experiences both personal and otherwise. Being an extraordinary person was a big theme in my formative years, for my family, for the social group they were in, and for society at the time. When I first started to explore the answer to the question – Who am I – and everything that entails, it coincided with the rise of the New Age and Self-Help movements, included in that was the Power of Positive Thinking, Positive Affirmations, and other motivational pro-active personal empowerment systems. I tried many of those out, went to seminars, workshops, etc, bought into some of it, was exhausted by most of it eventually – Have you ever listened to Anthony Robbins shout for an hour or more and be so energetic it sucks the life out of you.

        You know when someone keeps ramming a point down your throat wanting you to eat it and you kind of end up never wanting to eat that dish ever – that’s kind of how I see the concept of being extraordinary.

        But preferring the option of – I am much like everyone else – over – I am an extraordinary person – doesn’t mean that I reject the idea of everyone being unique and special, on the contrary – I am much like everyone else = I am as unique and special as everyone else, ergo I am as extraordinary as everyone else is.

        We’re all extraordinary. The whole human race is extraordinary and we still have no idea why the human race exists – that’s pretty extraordinary. And thus far we haven’t found life on other planets like this one – that’s extraordinary. It’s all extraordinary therefore being extraordinary could be considered a rather normal, natural and ordinary aspect of the experience of life, living, being.

        So you could conclude that question #40 is faulty – based on faulty parameters due to insufficient analysis of data or due to bias on the part of the creator of the test (who is a human prone to human thought, feeling, personal issues, and therefore subjective perception, transference, projection, etc) – because both options are the same thing.

        But the question is also not faulty at all, it is correct because it’s highlighting a narcissistic fallacy. Narcissists view being extraordinary as a goal, a quest, a must – and they view the concept of – everyone else – as lumped together en masse, an ordinary (they fear the ordinary – the very word itself makes them shudder) blob to which they do not belong ergo they must be extraordinary, they have to be, they need to be. The question reflects the need to split and use comparison to form a sense of self.

        For a narcissist the idea that they are like everyone else is terrifying – it’s the abyss they don’t want to look into. The words – Me too – send shivers down their spine. Their experience has to be different from that of others, they are different from others – they can’t deal with being different and the same, it’s one or the other for them. It’s me (the individual who is unique, different, special and extraordinary) versus you (the collective you who is not unique, not different, not special and not extraordinary).

        A narcissist who tells a life story sees their narrative as something no one has ever heard before, what they have lived no one has ever lived before or ever will again – if anyone says to them – Oh, me too – they see that as a threat to their identity, they then go on the defensive and attack – on the rare occasion they may allow you to be the same as them, but this will only last while they admire something about you, you have something which they want for themselves, a rare gem they will eventually steal for their crown. Once they’ve taken what they wanted they then proceed to push you away, back into the crowd. They’ll start picking holes in your story and use what they’ve stolen from your story and added to theirs to separate themselves from you – you are not a me too where they are concerned.

        They can’t connect with others because for them connecting is death to individuality, to identity. Yet their pain connects them to others, merges them with others – they need others to help them be extraordinary because for someone or something to be extraordinary it needs to identify an ‘ordinary’ so it can then be ‘extra’ to that ordinary.

        Narcissists need other people more than other people need other people and narcissists.

        You’re absolutely right about not all narcissists being the same – a narcissist is a person first, a person who has narcissistic personality disorder – how that manifests depends on the individual who has it. There’s a spectrum to the disorder – with high and low extremes and lots of levels and movement between the two. If your particular narcissist ‘shows signs of improvement’ then they’re most likely not at the high extreme end and may be open to connecting rather than keeping themselves separate from others.

        Re the question I asked about who’s the idiot who made me take this test – that was a rhetorical question which had an obvious answer. It was a wink and smile at myself. I have a rather joshing relationship with myself, and ‘idiot’ is a term of endearment I use for myself sometimes, particularly when I have an idea like I did with this post which I end up humorously regretting because it took a lot of time and I could have used that time elsewhere but… I knew what I was doing when I decided to do this 😉

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        1. Thank for the very well thought out reply. You seem pretty intelligent, among other respectable and admirable qualities. You’ve made it crystal clear that you are deeply passionate about the topic “narcissists” which is intriguing to me since I, too, had a strong curiosity. May we continue to learn much, expand our consciousness with integrated Mind/Heart, and spiritually evolve from ALL that our outer world mirrors our inner world. 🙂

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  2. Since this post is very long, I’m sharing comments as I read them. Regarding your answer to question #37: I first started journaling in 2010 after it was recommended by my group therapist for military women suffering from PTSD. When I was informed by certain others that my stories inspired them, I started blogging. Initially, I wrote in the third person, though I didn’t understand why at the time. Later, I realized it was because it was easier for me to process certain inner wounds through a form of detachment; hence, I released the judgment I had of myself. I had the option to easily delete or revise old posts that were written in the third person, but I chose not to, because that was an aspect of me that I unconditionally embraced.

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  3. Thank you for sharing an important reading. I’d like to share my insights as well.

    Despite narcissists being known to have excessive love for self, it’s quite the opposite.

    It’s a severe LACK of self-love that causes narcissists to have such a strong need to often prove to their outer world—usually through excessive bragging, talking and/or compulsive lying—that they’re worthy of attention and love.

    Those who truly love themselves and interconnected others UNCONDITIONALLY, are confident, and have no need to be the only one in the spotlight (like a one way conversation).

    I’ve learned through personal experiences that narcissists are wounded wounders (as opposed to Wounded Healers) who seem to justify how they treat others because of the way they were treated in the past.

    Like many humans, they have experienced (usually in childhood) CONDITIONAL love, but to the extreme (i.e., manipulation, control, trauma, and abuse in its various forms).

    Narcissists are not aware that they are the essence of Unconditional Love within (like all souls are); hence, they feel the need to hoard love from others, and don’t believe that they have any love to give to others.

    It’s extremely challenging to be in a relationship with narcissists since they tend to be unbelievably selfish and/or heartless.

    However, I’ve learned that balancing unconditional love for self and interconnected others is the key.

    It’s great to give give give lots of love to others (something that society, especially the religious church, often preaches); however, one must also have Unconditional Love for self , to include having self-respect and being assertive (something that society, especially the religious church, rarely preaches).

    Otherwise, people (especially narcissists)—whether intentionally or unintentionally—can easily take advantage of, manipulate and/or control those who have no healthy boundaries (i.e., those who are habitually passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive).

    And last but not least, I respect those who were willing to check out this post (to include test) in order to better know self and/or others.

    I don’t think actual narcissists—who are unaware that they are, or are in denial—would even be interested in reading such material since it would be like alcoholics or drug addicts having the urge to look in the mirror in order to see the truth, and change.

    However, I have witnessed gradual, positive changes over the decades in at least one so-called narcissist that is my mother, so I don’t consider this subject hopeless.

    But like I mentioned above, I had to learn (or more accurately, remember as a soul) to respect and unconditionally love self as well, since with balance comes harmony.

    We can’t expect respect and unconditional love from others if we’re not even willing to give it to ourselves (our soul/inner-child).

    There is a big difference between being selfish and unconditionally loving self, and narrow-minded, general society has often thrown the two in the same pot making the latter seem as though it’s a “bad” thing to do, when it’s essential.

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    1. I forgot to mention above: Thank you anupturnedsoul for a great point in that when test questions are vague (like the link within the post), you can only expect vague answers, which leads to inaccurate conclusions. Also, I appreciate your refreshing honesty and willingness to be vulnerable (a strength).

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  4. I’ve seen this test before and thought it was a bit thin in the sense that it could easily be skewed – as you pointed out, your mother wouldn’t have seen herself. I didn’t think that my mother or my ex-narcissist would have seen themselves, either.

    I liked how you broke down each question and looked at trying to answer each.

    Very interesting post and commentary. 🙂

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    1. Thank you 🙂

      I decided to take this test and do this post because someone recently mentioned in a comment that a person they knew had received a high score on a Narcissist Test like this one – in fact that was how they introduced themselves in their first comment (I see the first words someone says in their first comment on my blog as their introduction, a view into who they are through how they communicate with someone they don’t know). They then went on to wonder whether this person was a malignant narcissist, sociopath, etc. It seemed so matter of fact like they were scrolling through a villain menu (I should mention that the rest of their comment was rather alarming for a different reason and kind of explained their manner). The way that they described this person seemed to suggest that there was no way this person would have taken the test themselves which means the commentor took it for them.

      That got me thinking… off I went on a tangent… and I ended up here.

      A test like this makes sense within the context in which it was created, for the purpose which it was designed to serve. But once you put something on the internet and it’s ‘free’… it become a free-for-all, and original context and purpose get lost as it is used however anyone who finds it uses it.

      It’s a bit like those people who post a pic of themselves to social media and somehow it gets into the hands of Joe Public who decide that this image is perfect for a meme and suddenly a meme star is born… who may not appreciate that kind of fame or that kind of use of a private pic.

      A test like this makes for a perfect weapon in the hands of a narcissist, particularly a covert narc (like our mothers). They can use it to ‘prove’ they’re not narcissistic at all, while also using it to ‘prove’ that someone else, their chosen victim and villain of the moment, is.

      For those who aren’t narcissists who take it and get a low score like I did you can end up feeling like a sitting duck for narcissists because you have no narcissistic defenses against narcissists. The best defense against a narcissist is your own narcissism. I know my score is inaccurate, that I’m far more narcissistic than that and the low score reflects the limited options, what I chose to answer (often choosing the lesser of two things I wouldn’t actually choose at all) and limits of a test like this which is very limited.

      Of course for those who aren’t narcissists but who perhaps have spent so much time around a narcissist (particularly a covert one) that they’ve been brainwashed into thinking they’re the narcissist, a low result on a test like this can be a moment of awakening from the identity brain fog which being around a narc can induce – so this test does have an alternative purpose which may be a life saver to someone who is accusing themselves of being something they are not.

      I used to think I was the worst of the worst (went through an inverted narcissist phase which lasted quite awhile and to which I was rather attached) because my parents repeatedly kept telling me that I was in so many ways. Don’t know if a test like this would have snapped me out of that kind of brain fog belief but it might have got me thinking, asking why of myself (as you mentioned in another comment), as I eventually did. Why was I the monster? What made me a monster? For my parents the answer to that was usually that I had just said ‘No’ to them and you never say ‘No’ to a narcissist unless you want to be told you’re evil incarnate, there was that or the other thing – I had reminded one parent of the other parent who they hated and I was a stand-in for the lead. And – the real question – who or what were those calling me a monster?

      Those who use a test like this to justify telling someone else that they’re a narcissist… remind me of my parents. My mother would have used a test like this to prove what a Mother Theresa she was and to show someone else how broken they were so she could fix them. My father… he would have had more fun with it, he’d have wanted a high score on it because he loved being the villain as it granted him more influence and power, and he would have used the info he garnered from it, what others aspire to based on the questions and options, to skewer other people.

      Interesting test, more so for the fact that it is so thin… 😉

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      1. I’ve also encountered some who pull out a laundry list of narcissistic traits (I like how you call it a villain menu) and start “kicking ass & taking names.” for the most part, it seems to be a stage that those who have endured narcissistic predation have to experience. Sometimes not, though, and in those cases – I haven’t seen many of them – I always apply “Ursula’s Rule”: how does this person make me feel? Nevertheless, we always have to be cautious of what we find on the internet.

        My own test results were low as well, but like you, I found myself choosing between two undesirables.

        My mother did the Mother Theresa routine often (your comment made me chuckle – not sure why). She didn’t have the internet at hand, but she liked to cut “Ann Landers” columns (a syndicated American advice columnist) out of the newspapers & mail them to me. These would be accompanied by a treatise on what I should or shouldn’t be doing, all coloured by her particular brand of moral superiority and sanctimony. During the summer, I found one of these in a box of old letters and threw it out without looking any further.

        At various points I’ve also experienced thinking that I’m a monster, including when I used narcissistic approaches to lever my ex-narcissist out of my life. You’re right, though, that had I not had a counsellor, a test like this one might have helped me to pull out of the hole I was falling into.

        Thanks for pointing out that we should look at who’s shouting about monsters. People sure love to use that word and others of its ilk.

        Great to be “chatting” with you again. 🙂

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  5. “I’m exhausted, what say you”…love that, you are funny!

    I don’t know much but I enjoy having theories about stuff which change but I think if you have been touched personally by someone who has NPD, this test is amusing…that’s about it. Researchers have their work cut out for them when trying to categorize people into subgroups, especially the disordered since many of the traits they possess are silent/hidden in interactions with people very close to them. It’s the way they move, there tone of voice/or lack of tone when talking, reactions to rejection and acceptance (over- the- top comes to mind), their expressions when talking/telling stories or attempting to listen, their eyes gaze when they want something or are trying to absorb you, it’s their spouses demeanor, their kids hesitancy yet boundary issues, their friends-they say they are close but when together you don’t feel or see it…it’s like any other person really but it’s just “off” and feels very different and it’s hard to see unless you really look and listen. Most of us just don’t care unless we have a reason to care.

    I remember discussing this years ago on your blog and I think as time has gone on and I have become more clear, I don’t think it’s really as complicated as we make it seem. The disorder is confusing and complicated but it has a distinct pattern of dysfunction. The pattern is the same. So what is the pattern…you can’t ask the disordered person to take a survey to figure that out. They don’t really know they are in this pattern. It takes talking and interviewing the people close to them to know what is really happening. It’s like asking a toddler if they think they are selfish…they don’t have a reference point to know what that means but the parents can tell you so. But good luck getting the close friends or family members to talk- they probably have PTSD and are just trying to survive. So, in many ways researchers will never touch this group in getting definitive information- especially from the person who has the disorder- they lie a lot too so you are kind of screwed. The best info you can get is from victims…and if you have known someone with NPD and been victimized by one, you are the best research subject. That’s where researchers will get the information.

    I’d like to see a survey taken by victims of NPD individuals…I think you have one for children of NPD parents. I’d like to see one for victims who never had experience with someone with NPD before. I would be apart of this group and I think the stark contrast is more apparent when someone has never experienced the subtle abuse since their is a distinct before and after experience which I think those who had parents that had NPD have but not to the level of extreme. Being naïve & never abused makes the traits more highlighted and potent I think. Anyways, just a long thought…what you say? 🙂

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    1. Thank you 🙂

      I love your thoughts, that’s what say I 😀

      That survey for children of narcissists which I was asked by the survey creators to share and promote on my blog was only available for a limited time as part of a study they were doing for the college for which they worked. I haven’t heard anything back from the people who did it even though they said they would share the results. The only results they shared was some prize draw they did for those who participated and they didn’t share those with me (I saw it on other blogs they’d used to promote the survey) because I guess when I pointed out some issues with what they were doing I wasn’t respecting their authoritah enough and was being ‘difficult’ 😉

      I think you’re super right and I agree that there should be a test designed for those who are, have been and think they may be a victim of a narcissist. I think that would be far more helpful and informative for people dealing with narcissism. From what I understand though this is an area which is still mainly overlooked by the psych community but is beginning to be recognised. In fact there is now something called Narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

      This is an incredibly interesting article about that – http://narcissisticbehavior.net/narcissistic-victim-syndrome-what-the-heck-is-that/

      The intro says this:

      “The dysfunctional behaviour involves such callous exploitation of their victims that it has given birth to a new condition known as Narcissistic Victim Syndrome (or Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome). While plenty has been written medically about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), little or nothing has been written about Narcissistic Victim Syndrome (NVD). The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), which is published by the American Psychiatric Association, and it is considered the “bible” for all professionals, covers NPD extensively. However DSM-IV has not written anything about the effects on those who live or work with the narcissist’s torturous behaviours, and the consequences of that behaviour on the mental health of the victim. Thanks to the dedicated work of many psychotherapists, it has become clear that a set of detectable characteristics occur when working with victims of narcissistic abuse. The good news is that American therapists are calling for the recognition of this syndrome to be included in the next Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-V, to be published in 2013), in the hope that all therapists will be given standard guidelines for formulating a way of working with this syndrome.”

      It goes on to discuss Narcissistic Victim Syndrome in depth and highlights the traits and behaviours connected with it as well as what is needed for the recovery process:

      “When working with individuals who are displaying symptoms of narcissistic victim syndrome, the thing that I notice most of all is that the person feels so torn because they don’t understand what has happened to them. Before they can begin to put themselves back together, I believe that it is vital that the therapist must, through the process of the therapeutic work in progress, educate the individual in the area of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (the What, the When, the How, and the Why of the abuse etc) so that they can begin to make sense of what was really happening as their story unfolds. Without such information it is virtually impossible to build up their self-esteem to healthy levels, thus leaving them vulnerable to further re-victimization, and future entrapment with other narcissists.

      Once a person has become a victim of a narcissist (whether it happened in childhood or later on in life), the victims are already unconsciously primed to enter the narcissist’s “convoluted dance” that opens them up to further abuse. It is necessary for the therapist to gently shine a light on what they are doing in the dance that makes them a victim. Once again, a “Narcissistic Victim” is any person who is harmed, injured or killed by a person who displays pathological narcissism (which can occur on a spectrum of severity).

      The victim needs to understand that this “dance” of codependency requires two people: the pleaser/fixer (victim), and the taker/controller (narcissist/addict), together both partners dance beautifully in perfect step, and the madness begins. The consequences for the victim not understanding the intricacy of the dance, is that, no matter how often they try to avoid “unhealthy” partners, they will find themselves habitually returning to the same dance floor; the only thing that will change is that they will find themselves dancing to a different tune, but always the personality of the dance partner remains the same.”

      It’s an excellent article written by someone who obviously knows what they’re talking about. She’s also written an article about a female narcissist friend – http://narcissisticbehavior.net/the-typical-narcissistic-woman-as-a-friend/

      She says this:

      “When the relationship goes wrong, the narcissists typical and much used excuse is to say that her friend was “jealous and envious of her”; therefore she had to end the relationship. The truth of the matter is that without her investment in the other person, the relationship begins to fold, and this folding is experienced by her fragile ego as rejection (a reminder of unemphatic and inconsistent early childhood interactions by her mother), which fills her with dread. So at the slightest whiff of rejection (real or imagined), the narcissists gives the so called “friendship’ the chop, in this way she is spared the intolerable feelings of abandonment that she cannot tolerate in any relationship.”

      Sound familiar?

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      1. Thanks and Yes that sounds very,very familiar! She would tell me her friends were jealous of us, or so she thought. That’s one of the reasons I am in FB contact with her last/current victim. I sometimes message her stuff or comment on her pictures. She hasn’t unfriended me because she is very sweet & nice and super religious- perfect NPD bait. I do this because I want the NPD friend of mine to know, I like her and I’m not jealous at all. I’m not, I’m more scared for her- that’s why I do it. I also, approach and talk to friends of hers that have unfriended me on FB. I do this because I want to them see me for who I am- I want them to question what she says about me. I like being ballsy- and I won’t let down on that since I am not afraid at all and if they ever broched the subject, I’d be happy to talk but I know they won’t. That’s OK. I’m confident in myself and not worried anymore.

        Interesting information on Narcisstic Victim Syndrome and I agree that this is not well understood by psychologists- or atleast the ones I saw. The first psychologist I saw gave me good advice but ruined it with a comment about seeing how another woman would find me attractive. I felt so invaded by that- it wasn’t about that- she’s a NPD person- they find anyone attractive that can give them supply. The next psychologist was a trauma specialist. Looking back I should have left that office the first time I stepped in…a framed photo of a pitbull was in the waiting area which read something like, “It was fun for me, how about you?” WTF?! Why would you put that in a waiting room where patients who have experienced trauma are sitting. It was true but disturbing-get a clue! The main reason I went to see a psychologist was to “unload” emotionally. I could not do it to my husband, family or friends- so I paid for someone to see me sob, go through the pain of reliving it and that’s about it. I directed the care in a way which sucked because I naturally do that all the time and I wanted someone else to do it for me- but it’s hard to find that. You- did that for me. You are very gifted. Please take the compliment. You were the only one that stepped it up and made me see it for what it really was and I knew you were right not just from your experience but it just felt right- the pieces were now fitting together-the story made sense! So I got to rambling- but my point was how do we train psychologists to be better at guiding patients through? They need to be better at setting the stage- having firm bearings on their own intuition with people and using this to guide them. They need to form relationships with patients and educate. I told my therapist about the grey rock deal that you have mentioned in other posts. She never heard of it. I used it since I had to be boring and act like a grey rock if I saw my NPD friend since I knew she was addicted to my energy & fun side- she’d tell me that- I had to act dead. Guess it worked, she thinks I’m no fun anymore-got her fooled 😉

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        1. Thank you (see I accepted the compliment 😉 )

          That story about the trauma therapist’s waiting room… WTF indeed! Perhaps they thought it was motivational!? Waiting room decor can be strange, most waiting rooms look like they’re stuck in the past and not just because they often have ancient magazines.

          It makes perfect sense to visit a therapist when you’ve been through a complicated experience, to talk things through with someone who isn’t personally involved in the situation can be helpful and therapeutic – and that’s what in theory they’re there for, to support and aid others to figure things out by getting things out of their system and telling their story rather than keeping it bottled up inside confusing the mind and heart.

          It can be difficult to talk with those closest to us because they’re too invested in us and may find our distress distressing. Sometimes we need to talk to someone who is detached from us and the story… however finding the right therapist can be challenging because they’re human, and they usually have a very human reason for why they became a therapist which influences how they approach their job.

          I think being a therapist is an incredibly difficult job, they’re tasked with listening to people pouring their problems, tragedies, traumas, miseries, etc, into them (all day in a segmented by appointments manner – which means they get one person’s story, then have to wipe that from their mind for the next person’s story, then wipe that for the next person, etc) expecting them to offer solace, solutions, and healing, and they have to stay detached yet are also expected to form enough of an attachment, they’re expected to care while not caring too much, and then they go home and may have their own issues at home, but they’re expected to leave all the stories they’ve heard, many of which are deeply affecting, in their office.

          For us we mainly just have our story to deal with, our particular relationship with our narcissist, which is often too much for us and takes a long time to sort out. Can you imagine not just having to deal with your own story of a relationship with a narcissist, but having to deal with the stories of everyone else who has ever had a relationship with a narcissist, and their individual narcissists are all different, and perhaps the person coming to you with their story of a relationship with a narcissist is actually a narcissist who is in ‘victim mode’, and being expected to sort through all of that confusion with clarity for each person who is confused and angry because it’s your job to do that and people expect you to miraculously make it all better for them, be the nourishment they need, the guide through their darkest hours, the healer of their pain which is screaming and twisting inside of them and they don’t want it, can you please save them.

          A therapist is basically expected to be a sin-eater of sorts – a pain-eater. And they’re supposed to remain sane while doing such a job?

          Maybe that trauma therapist put that photo of the pitbull up to scare patients away because subconsciously they no longer want to do the job they’re doing because it’s traumatising them to deal with the trauma of others.

          Keeping up to date on the latest information about NPD isn’t easy as that landscape keeps changing, new buzzwords keep being added, new methods keep being invented, new ‘experts’ keep appearing, and for someone who is a professional therapist a lot of the methods offered online and in books by ‘experts’ aren’t considered ‘official’ so they can’t really acknowledge them, they have to wait for a professional to do an official study (which requires funding, and a grant to be granted, and other red tape), exhaustive tests and research before results can be published, then to publish the results, have those results checked and vetted, questioned by other professionals, then eventually have that approved by some governing body before it becomes viable to use it. I’m sure there are ways to circumvent this circuitous route, but a professional therapist has to be very careful as they could get sued by a patient and if they’re using unofficial material this could ruin their career.

          If there’s one thing humans are good at, it’s making everything really complicated.

          Interesting what you’re doing on Fb. The recovery process has many subtle aspects to it 🙂

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          1. Thanks for the response! So true about the research process and all the red tape and logistics. It is a complicated mess. I did research in grad school and what you realize is how easily things can be skewed with how the research is complied and statistically analyzed. So when reading research beware.

            The pitbull photo and caption at the time kind of freaked me out but it was validating too in a weird way. I think when you feel victimized- you want someone to say “yes you were fooled & victimized by someone.” That is reassuring at first and gives you permission to feel rage/anger. But then as time unfolds you want to regain the control and the status of victim becomes something you’d like to shed to reclaim your life and self again. Still think it was a bad marketing move though. I agree on the difficulty of being a therapist…sin and pain eater…so true. Mine would make herself tea and I could tell she prepared prior to me arriving since I was frantic and emotionally all over the place. Everything was flooding in and I knew the only way through was to let it be expressed out- f’n worst process ever but it does work if you allow it. She probably thought I was half nuts too- but I didn’t really care about that- all I really wanted was reassurance that I was on the right path-that’s all I needed. Agree- maybe she was done listening to people’s trauma stories…hence the pitbull photo- could be true! After having seen me- she probably added a new framed photo of a Rottweiler with the caption “it’s not my fault you wanted to play with me.”

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            1. Love your Rottweiler poster slogan – it’s one of those you can read several ways and which rouses contemplation.

              A cup of tea and therapy, sounds like a book title. I would say that for a therapist the satisfaction of the job comes from watching a person go from emotional mess to personally empowered, and if that means they have to scream, cry, let it all out, it’s worth it. It must be strange to do a job where you never really get to see people once they’re better and they only come to you at their worst. I wonder what her personal story was, what made her decide to do what she does. And what that pitbull meant to her.

              You were always going to recover from your experience because you’re very focused and strong, and you trust yourself to know what you need to do to heal yourself – vital component for healing and in life 🙂

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              1. I always wondered about her personal story too. She had a soft spot for the kids. She had to adopt her own children and maybe that’s why. We all have a story don’t we. Thanks for sharing yours…it help me piece mine back together 🙂

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        2. I just got a chance to read the full article you quoted from…awesome!!! Sounds like the author trains therapists to recognize the symptoms. Psychologists have their work cut out for them- the ability to really listen is a learned and perfected trait and if the therapist is not in tune with the patient, much of what was mentioned in the article will be overlooked or dismissed. That’s why public awareness through blogs like yours and other social media avenues are crucial- the victim needs access to that since it will go undetected many times as a patient arrives at the initial evaluation and complains of anxiety and inability to cope with life, which are basic things we all feel occasionally. It can be missed so easily! I think this is why I feel so strongly about wanting to help other victims that I know she is involved with but I know the consequences of that could be my head of the chopping block- and I will never self sacrifice in order to save someone. I learned my lesson on that.

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          1. I think it’s admirable that you want to be there for others who are experiencing what you experienced – that’s a natural extension of empathy, of knowing what it’s like and realising that in the case of a narcissist there are going to be other victims of that narcissist.

            The thing to keep in mind is that you can’t help those who aren’t ready to be helped and who don’t ask for it – to help someone before they ask and are ready for your help would be crossing a boundary, and then you’re a trespasser who may well get your head chopped off. Mind you, even when someone asks for help you may still end up having your head chopped off because the person isn’t ready to deal with what they have to deal with. It’s worth keeping a sewing kit handy.

            I think gentle nudges are probably the best help to offer others safely and from a distance 🙂

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            1. I am a touchy feely type- I’m Italian like you and expressive physically and emotionally. You know where you stand with me. I know an acquantence (that has become a friend) that knew my friends current victim well and was concerned- she came to me knowing we had a falling out. I gave this friend info to help her but my main thing that I told her was to never leave her side- even if she felt left out, shunned or that their friendship was changing. I told her to stick by her- don’t leave. Its when people leave the victim, that they are most vulnerable. Stay close to them and be there- bug them more or “gently nudge” as you put. And you are so right about not tying to help people when they aren’t ready or don’t want the help. I have learned a lot about life. It’s been life changing.

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              1. Good advice! Tough advice to follow when you’re watching someone under the influence of a narcissist, and . like you pointed out, you may get pushed away and out (because a narc isolates people), but it’s invaluable advice!

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  6. That was a great read, I like it how you took apart each question. Absolutely enjoyed it, made me smile a lot, thank you heaps!

    I took the test too, here are the results –

    “These are your results on the Narcissistic Personality Inventory.

    Your score is 7, out of 40. Higher scores indicate greater levels of narcissism.

    Below is a graph of how other people have scored on this test.
    Your score was higher than 24.7 of the sample. The people who have found this online test are probably not that representative of the general population though, so the averages from a few other groups are tabled below.”

    I didn’t take supplementary questions, the whole thing seemed too “undercooked” to me.

    Personally I don’t quite feel this test goes too deep into studying personality. It reminded me of childhood games that were popular when I was a kid, when we were passing around a piece of paper writing a random question down and folding it down with only first word of the question visible so the next person will write an answer not knowing the actual question and in the end (when we run out of space) the last person would read it out loud and we laughed at how stupid the whole thing was…

    There are so many aspects to any type of the behaviour and forty questions, most of them vague (for example, in this test I found myself answering too many times with the words “it depends…”) don’t seem serious to me. More like a game, entertainment rather than study. There is other “feature” as online studies that people use in order to include it in their PhD etc. papers. Many of them are just a “tick” in the box so they can gather their “authentic” data from the “real people” on the internet. Reality is way too complicated, especially when you have a Narcissist in the equation.

    My narc-mom is a true con-artist when it comes to hunting for supply, she knows what she is doing, her survival depends on it and others are just on her way. I’d guess she’d pass this test with flying colours (she does it well in real life), but I doubt she’d ever take any test as she “is not crazy, other people are” (quoting her words). We all have narcissistic tendencies; the question is how do we go about it.

    But anyways, years ago I had to take tests for different work related purposes and study groups. One time I wanted so bad to get into a study group where the places were limited but I had low self-esteem and I was worried I’ll fail personality test so I found out that you can actually “cheat” it. There are “test questions within the test” that are designed to catch people lying. They are repeated throughout the test, sometimes re-worded. The test results are disqualified if these questions answered differently; they are a “must” in every reputable test. If you have about 100 questions it’s easy to get lost and get caught (especially with a time limit), but if you practice you’ll learn how they work. Tests have a certain pattern and structure. Back in the day you could buy books filled with practice personality tests, depending on your needs and your determination.

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    1. Thank you for sharing 🙂

      What a great story about trying to rig a test to get admitted into an elite group! You’re totally awesome for being such a thorough secret agent intent on infiltrating this study group. Did you get in and was it worth it?

      OMG, elitist groups! They’re both attractive and repulsive at the same time! Just the other day I was reading about restaurants which are impossible to get into and the lengths people go to to get in (I went through a Wiki/Google wormhole while looking up a random address from a news article which had historical relevance and was opposite an exclusive club and so since I’d finished with my original search I looked the club up out of curiosity and ended up finding all these other exclusive places where you have to know a secret password or someone who already belongs, or been born under a certain Moon, yadda yadda…).

      Narcissists tend to do something similar to what you did to get into that group when they want to pass a test of some sort, except they’re not necessarily conscious of what they’re doing because they tend to absorb things (and people) until they convince themselves that this is them. So if they have to take a test like the Narcissistic Personality Inventory they believe they are whoever they need to be to get the result they want. If it is good to be narcissistic then they’ll become that and get that result, if is it good not to be narcissistic then they’ll figure out how to get that result – if they fail then they may retake it until they ace it or they’ll figure out a way to discredit it – which in the case of this test is easy because the intro to the test gives people the ammo to do that.

      I think it’s important to think about the questions more than it is to answer them – this isn’t a silly ‘What kind of Mermaid are you?’ personality quiz… or maybe it is 😉 – either way we need to consider the questions, the options, and our answers… and where our answers come from – are they really coming from us or from things we’ve been told, have absorbed from others, from society, without thinking about it, without it really being us, etc. hence my tendency to take things apart.

      My mother’s results if she were to take this test would be – totally not a narcissist – as she would answer it based on how she sees herself rather than on how she actually is which is not something that suits her ‘persona’. This test fails to take into account that most narcissists have ‘personas’, and it’s really not that good a test for spotting narcissists as it’s focused on the overt kind of narc who is a lumphead and would completely miss cerebral narcs, the covert narcs, and pretty much all narcs except lumphead ones.

      But things like this are always interesting for one reason or another 🙂

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      1. Elite groups – that’s too complicated to me. I’d say, anything exclusive (like illuminati style) would rather set me off running, flailing my arms in the air and hiding under the bed. 🙂
        On the other hand, for the laughs of it, that reminded me! Once upon a time (true story), my co-worker and I decided to create our own “secret society group” – we called it “The Order of the Great Friday 13th” (who said that losers couldn’t unite?). Both of us were born on Friday 13th and both of us were affected by “Triskaidekaphobia”, when our families blamed their shortcomings on us for being born on a cursed day and therefore made us responsible for the sins of the nation and labelled us Satan’s spawn. Continuing the “curse”, I managed to pass it on, I gave birth to my son on 04/04, subjecting him to “Tetraphobia”. He doesn’t mind though (more like, he doesn’t really care).

        Sorry for the detour. Getting back on the track, regarding my “study group” – that was an educational group, not a secret society or a club, basically it was a crash course for a particular work related area.

        In the mid 90s it became popular for some businesses to employ people not only on their resume but also on “psychological assessment” in regards to professional suitability for the job, which is not exactly a bad idea but still, making it more stressful process in my opinion. It might’ve happened because there was a sudden spike in labour market and higher competition for certain jobs. Lots of companies were rapidly evolving along the way (with computerisation etc) and instead of dismissing old staff and employ new people they paid for in-store “study groups”, short-term courses during work hours – sort of streamlined educational programs.

        Initially I got a job without taking any tests because it was a low level position. In a couple months after I joined the company I was approached by the HR and offered a higher level position because they had an opened vacancy and they thought I’d be a suitable candidate. At first I declined because I was scared (not enough education for that) but they assured me that I’d be able to adapt because I was young and eligible to participate in study groups for further training and skills development, plus that position offered a double salary comparing to my existing one. So, the money outweighed my decision and I accepted it, taking all available skill development programs. Long story short, in a couple years I got promoted into managerial position, and that brought me to realization that I was destroying my physical and mental health in the process and I found out that I kept making the same mistakes over and over again. I was aware of my shortcomings in my people pleasing behaviour and people skills in general but I didn’t know how to correct them. I had no idea of psychology whatsoever. Along my work life I participated in many educational programs related to business but nothing on human nature and relations.

        So, there pops up that “psychology study group”. As a condition of entry you had to pass a certain suitability test for that group (and there were lots of groups like market studies, commerce, charity, accounting, computer development – that kind of stuff), as they cost money to the company and company has no interest in wasting them just for any-lazy-body who’d study instead of work (all paid!), you had to be qualified or lack some necessary for the job skills (not by your fault but by the newly introduced job requirements, for example) so they can train you up to date. I wanted to get into that “psychology study group” even though one of my bosses was somewhat against me getting there because my area was somewhat unrelated to psychology and he thought that would be a waste of time. But selfishly I knew I had to get into that study course for my personal development that’s why I decided to “cheat” my way into it. I bought the test books, read a lot of stuff and when I took the first sample test I found out that I was suitable as I was. In the end, I passed the test and got into the course.

        I actually like tests, I’m just scared of the results (decades of being useless piece of crap are hard to overcome). I call it everlasting fear of failing miserably, confirming my mother’s predictions – “I told you so. You are as dumb as your father. Even worse.” (I don’t find my father dumb, on the contrary, he is a pretty smart guy when it comes to learning and getting away from my mother as fast as he could, leaving my brother and me in the middle of the disaster zone. It’s his own dysfunctional behaviour and people skills that suck).

        (Oh, oh, by the way, I did get back to that personality test, the curiosity got the better of me – wanted to know what those supplementary questions were – surprise – not so exciting after all, they were just asking your age group and gender, no more questions. Talk about disappointing, I was prepared to spend another 5-10 minutes pondering but that was the end of it.)

        Back in the day I learned a great deal from that psychology study group. Yet, there was not enough info on personality disorders and they were not covered by the course, it was more business related psychology, still really useful with awesome teacher. While I was able to identify and correct lots of stuff after that, I was still unaware of my own predicament. You’d ask, how on earth did I manage to miss my own narc-mother in that equation? Simple. She was flying under the radar because she had an ingrained immunity of simply being my mother, being everlasting victim of the circumstances and on top of that – she was the world’s biggest martyr. I trusted her authority blindly. There were discrepancies (and lots of them) but I worked hard on making up her excuses in my mind and continued to take her word for everything.

        Jokes aside, I do have plenty of Narcissistic traits, unfortunately many of them manifest themselves destructively and have to be dealt with daily. I’m fairly new to Narcissism (half a year to be exact), so I’m just learning to cope with them and battling them one step at a time. It’s mainly breaking the pattern of dysfunction within myself, where I behave wrong believing it’s the right way to do.

        Thank you so much for your invaluable info and taking time to talk to me and to all of us. It means a lot and I appreciate it greatly!

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        1. Thank you for sharing yourself with me 🙂

          Really enjoyed the detour into “The Order of the Great Friday 13th” – that is an inspired show of personal power by turning being scapegoated on its tail!

          Your mother and my mother are definitely twins, and would have gotten on like a house of fire while throwing smiley-faced fireballs at each other, vying with each other over who was the greatest martyr, challenging each other’s scores for who had the worst husband and who was burdened with the dumbest child. My father liked to play that – you’re just like the other parent and have all their worst traits – awful truth about you game too. Usually I could see when an Awful Truth was about to be revealed because it tended to happen shortly after they had just received an ego defeat and taken a blow to their self-image and self-esteem which triggered in them a necessity to get a boost from the nearest available and easiest source, which usually = me. Occasionally it would come out of left field – I remember one time my mother said something and I literally collapsed, my knees gave out, I felt as though I’d been punched in the stomach. I should have seen it coming – I was happy about something, you’re never allowed to be happy about anything.

          I also gave my mother immunity no matter what she did. I was an excuse-generator churning those excuses out. I did not trust her at all, but I was stuck in this role I gave myself, which she originally gave me when I was very young, of being the only person in the world who could love her, somebody had to love her, poor her (makes me groan just thinking about it). My father didn’t get the benefit of that from me so my approach to him although unhealthy was healthier than my approach to her. I didn’t stop giving her immunity until I had a deep shock which finally penetrated my thick head and realised she was hurting my partner through me, through my giving her immunity. It was one thing for her to hurt me, totally another thing for her to hurt someone I loved through me. Woke me up from my narc-child zombie state and kicked her out of my life – the last words she said to me was that I was evil. There you go, ah, unconditional motherly love!

          It takes a long time to work through what’s going on inside, to sort through what’s yours and what is actually hers which she gave to you to carry for her. Quite a few of the issues I had with myself were ones she gave me to have with myself. I was an only child so she couldn’t triangulate with a sibling – she did sometimes do it with my father and occasionally with my friends when I was allowed to have them – but it was far more effective to triangulate me with myself and have me fighting with myself. She was always comparing me to this ‘other me’ who was her little darling.

          Be gentle with yourself when finding narcissistic traits and behaviour – some of it is healthy, and the destructive ones may simply need redirecting, they may be healthy which has gone down an unhealthy path.

          Talk things through with yourself and focus on understanding the inner dialogue, the story behind the trait and behaviour. Transactional analysis is really good for doing that as is cognitive behavioural therapy.

          Some destructive behaviours and traits may be coping mechanisms which helped you deal with your mother, your life as it was, but have outgrown their purpose since your life has changed, since you have changed, and those coping mechanisms haven’t been deactivated so they’re still operational and just need to be thanked for their role and allowed to retire gracefully.

          Always be gentle with yourself – I wasted a lot of time being cruel to myself even after I had gone NC from both my parents and no longer needed to be who I was when they were in my life, certain things got exacerbated by the fact that I was no longer having to deal with them and I just didn’t know how to live without having to deal with them. I was shadow boxing. A few times I found people to ‘replace’ them so I had someone to ‘fight’ against and therefore my coping mechanisms still had something to do. It’s like being wound up so tightly for all your life and suddenly you can relax… but relaxing first involves this tightly wound thing unwinding itself and mayhem may occur while it does that.

          A lot of the recovery process is about getting to know who you are – who you really are free from who you had to be because of the narcissists in your life. Some of who you had to be because of them is still you – and needs to be appreciated as the you who tried to protect you and may have made things worse with some of the tactics used to protect you. It’s about appreciating you. Understanding you. Learning to be you. Learning to trust you. 🙂

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    1. Thank you 🙂

      What stood out in what you said in your reblog was this part:

      “I have an overwhelming need to help those I feel are in pain. I know what it’s like and try to spare others from it. In my quest to help him I might destroy myself. Who knows. I can’t help but do what my soul says is right no matter how hard it gets. So I took the test because for the first time ever I told him yesterday I thought he had some personality traits of a narcissist and he may have this disorder and should have it checked out. He just turned around and called me a narcissist.”

      Telling anyone that you think they might be a narcissist can result in them accusing you of being a narcissist because when people feel attacked they tend to return the attack in kind. It’s a case of ‘I’m rubber and you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!’. And if you’re saying this to a real narcissist it’ll open up a can of worms wormhole because you’ll have just signaled to them that it’s open season on you.

      No one is going to take kindly to being told that you think they have narcissistic personality disorder, not even the most empathic empath in the universe will take kindly to that and thank you for your input. A statement like that will cause pain and if someone already is in a lot of pain it may be like taking your finger out of a leaking dam.

      I realise you had to say this to him for your own sake – but in that moment you too lacked empathy. Perhaps that was needed because those who are empathic need to learn how to apportion such an ability.

      Please take care of yourself!

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      1. I did not lack empathy. I knew what would happen before I did it. I still choose to say what I said anyway. That is not a lack of empathy. I knew it how he would react before I ever said a thing. You would have to know a story I have never told to be able to beigin to understand how I was feeling to know if I had empathy at that moment or not. If you have empathy it’s not something you ever lack or turn off. I don’t lie to people. I don’t work in a bakery so no sugar coating here and I’m sick of walking on egg shells after 15 years. Do you know how long 15 years really is when you are being emotionally, verbally,and psychologically abused? It’s forever. I have never told anyone, accept anyone who reads this now. Also I’m rubber your glue is one of his and many other narcissist favorite sayings. They use it because they don’t have an explanation for their actions. Psychologists call it mirroring.

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  7. Reblogged this on Wendy's Wonderland and commented:
    .I just read a post by. An upturned soul https://anupturnedsoul.wordpress.com/
    Where they challenge others to take a narcissist personality test. So I live with someone I firmly believe to be a narcissist. The reason there are more people who are affected by the bahaivor of a narcissist are looking into the subject is the affects are undeniable. While looking for a solution people inevitably find the cause. Having personality traits of a narcissist is not the same as actually having this disorder. A symptom of narcissism is the inability to emphasize with those one hurts. So that they can not see the wrong in their actions and subsequently do not seek help. One can’t fix a problem they don’t know they have. I now suffer from ptsd because I am still here. I am nurotic. I had no idea what that even meant. I have an overwhelming need to help those I feel are in pain. I know what it’s like and try to spare others from it. In my quest to help him I might destroy myself. Who knows. I can’t help but do what my soul says is right no matter how hard it gets. So I took the test because for the first time ever I told him yesterday I thought he had some personality traits of a narcissist and he may have this disorder and should have it checked out. He just turned around and called me a narcissist. Don’t get me wrong back when I was dumb I used some of his tactics against him. A whole get what you give kind of thing. You know treat others how you would have them treat you. We’ll I was the mirror. I tried to be. It was soul tiring trying to show him how he was treating me. I tried to talk to him at first. He told me one day that he did not react to things out of emotion he reacted the way he thought he was supposes to react. Then I understood what lack of empathy really looked like. When I said it to him I was hurting could see the cause and wanted him to genuinely want to not hurt me and get help. When he said it back to me without even taking a fraction of a moment to reflect that’s what psychologist call mirroring. So my curiosity got the better of me. My score was three out of 40. I’m in the bottom 5%

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