Does your mind sing to you?
Does it serenade your every movement?
Does it give a theme tune to your thoughts?
Does it play… with your emotions, reflecting how you’re feeling in its choice of inner soundtrack?
Does it give you music as you go about your daily this and that like a soundtrack to a TV show or film?
Maybe it’s not prescient in its choice of music…
as in it doesn’t play the Jaws theme when you’re in danger, when some predator is close by and has chosen you as its target… if only it could and would do that then you’d know what was about to happen (and perhaps could be avoided) if that music started to play…
and it doesn’t necessarily put on an old favourite of your heart when you’re in the presence of someone who could change your romantic landscape, if only it did then perhaps you wouldn’t walk by ignoring them as you always do because you’d know that person you’ve dismissed as irrelevant is actually the most relevant person in the world.
But the inner soundtrack is like the inner dreamscape… you’ve got to put time and effort into figuring it out, understanding its language, its sensitive nuances, its caprices and complexity… and most of us don’t have time for that, don’t have the energy to give for that kind of effort.
It requires thinking…
but not the usual kind of thinking (which is tiring enough as it is)…
the other kind of thinking that involves more than just the mind and its paraphernalia of thought.
.
(a harsh statement, but sometimes true)
.
There’s something which I’ve noticed recently in myself…
a hopeful hunger for a treat,
a treat of food for thought but the kind of foodful treat of thought which goes deeper than thought… I don’t just want my mind involved, I want my heart, my soul, my body… oh, you know, all those extras… as part of it.
Each time I think I’ve found it, an inkling of it, the trumpets blurt out their triumphant tune but then go all wonky in their sound as I realise this… isn’t it.
It’s interesting but it’s more of the usual which for a moment seemed to veer off course but it was just an usual kind of wobble…
and I’d like a bit of the unusual which is intriguing rather than interesting, which I can’t predict and haven’t yet sussed enough to know it as a familiar thing.
I want a puzzle which I haven’t solved (even if someone else has solved it) or which I can’t solve easily by using logic and reason… however I don’t want one of those unreasonable and illogical problems which is boring in the long run (also known as narcissists).
.
.
I’ve been watching – Westworld (the TV series… because I frigging loved the film many eons ago when I was child) – and it’s pretty awesome, different thus far from anything else (it still has time to become the same old…), and one of the characters (Logan, for those watching the series) is a spot on example of those people who think they’re so complex that everyone should find them fascinating, attractive, seductive, etc (also known as narcissists), but are actually only complex to themselves, everyone else has them figured out – as being a tedious rerun of other characters like that who think they’re so incredibly mysterious, complicated, complex, but actually they’re just boring as they are, do and say the same thing over and over and over, bludgeoning you with this ‘interesting’ persona who is a crashing bludgeoning bore.
Often, at least in the past kind of often, when I’d get this way, seeking a special kind of difficult and specific food for thought, I’d end up being attracted to a narcissist while they were in their interesting mode… and it would take me awhile to realise that what seemed interesting was actually boring.
Some shallow waters appear to run deep… and when we come upon them during that period where we’re looking for shallow waters to run deep and not be shallow through and through we invest our own depth into them and insist they are deep because… their surface is reflecting us and we’re being deep about them.
BUT…
are they deep or are we the ones making them deep?
Are they perhaps shallow beneath the surface because they’ve never gone deep within so… they’ve never dug out their own shallows.
Maybe the only reason they seem deep beneath the shallow is because we dug things out and made them deep… but that’s our depth not theirs.
A bit like a song stuck in the mind, playing on repeat…
is it there just because it was created to have a catchy tune and because of it having a catchy tune it got stuck in our mind… and there’s nothing more to it than that…
or does it have a deeper meaning?
Either way, a song is just a song until, maybe it means more to the creator of that song but to others, to us… it means nothing much until we make it mean something more.
And it’s not always clear to us what it is about a song which means something more.
Like this song I heard as a child which was catchy and got caught in my mind:
.
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While thinking about this now… it kind of echoes how my mind works, always hopeful in its quest to find food for thought treats, it runs running this way and that in its search.
My mind is basically a squirrel, a ferret, a relative of the rat who rushes around trying to collect nuts… or something like that.
An Upturned Soul 
I’ve been recording “Westworld” but haven’t watched any of it yet.
We are good at investing people, things, events, with meaning that might not mean anything to anyone but us. And then we think it doesn’t mean anything because no one else thinks it does … so, is that a self-confidence issue or a narcissism issue? That’s what I started thinking as I read your piece.
I think that being ferret-y is a good thing. 🙂
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Thank you 🙂
Thinking about it – the Westworld TV series – I should probably have waited to watch it until the whole series was available in its completed form as it’s quite complex and watching it one episode a week is diluting it and requires remembering wtf was going on in last week’s episode (their recaps aren’t really helpful as they are based on what someone else thinks are relevant points in previous episodes). I have a theory about where they’re going with this – don’t worry I won’t share that – which I’m curious about so I’m kind of stuck watching once a week now to feed the curiosity.
What is self-confidence? Really, what is it? What are the components of what we believe to be ‘self-confidence’?
If self-confidence is connected to self-image then the lines between self-confidence and narcissism will be blurred.
But what is narcissism? Do we all agree on what that is or does the term mean different things to different people?
How many people get their self-confidence from labeling others as narcissists?
Sorry… off on a tangent as per usual, that damned elusive pimpernel ferret mind 😉
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Thanks for the tip about Westworld. I will have a binge-watch at some point. (I watched the first six seasons of “The Walking Dead” over about a two month period. I still don’t know what I think of that series but I’m certainly hooked. 🙂 )
You raise interesting questions that I’m thinking about right now, well, my version of them. I agree completely that self-confidence is something else if it’s actually about self-image. My ex-narcissist was obsessed with his image. That was his motivation for almost everything he did or said.
I do agree that some people get their self-confidence from labelling others as narcissists. I am aware that those who have been affected by (I don’t like using the words victim or victimised, even though I have used them. They make people sound as if they’re just lying there, waiting to be run over, as if they’re completely to blame.) narcissists tend to go through a hammer and nail phase, where most everyone else is suspected of some level of unhealthy narcissism. But I’ve noticed that with time, most people get past this. I’ve wondered about those who don’t – it could be that the business of casting a scathing judgment on others does give them self-confidence.
I also agree that narcissism means different things to different people. That’s why it’s so important for us to not label people, but we do it anyway, and in particular, I excuse myself by telling myself that I’m intelligent and educated and can tell the difference. I’m working on a post about how tempting it has been to label Donald Trump. Mental health professionals in the US have specifically been warned by their professional organisations not to weigh in, but a couple of retired ones have done so anyway. What’s the right thing in this situation? Lots of people are describing him as Hitler-like. What can be learned from this about how we think about or deal with narcissist types in common life.
Sorry, I’ve taken up a lot of space here. Just considering. 🙂
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OMG!!! You’re a Walking-Dead-er! I’m pretending that you didn’t mention it as I can’t stand it 😉 I tried to get into it but all they do is moan (and I don’t mean the zombies). It’s one of several popular shows which I can’t watch because they remind me of living with my particular narcissists, it’s trigger central (sometimes I welcome triggers… not where TV is concerned though), and I quite enjoy turning it off and tuning it out because it means I no longer have to force myself to put up with narcissistic shit.
I can be very petty sometimes 😀
Never apologise for taking up space on here – I value your input highly! Seriously I love it when you share your view, it always inspires me and often gives me an insight into one of my life puzzles. You have an amazing mind and perspective – take the compliment! 😉
I’ll keep an eye out for your Trump post, I’m curious to see your take on it.
I have a friend who never shuts up about Trump and I’m really bored of his angle on it because he tends to reiterate ‘popular views’ (whatever his peers say – those peers he desperately wants to please because he wants to belong to their ‘group’) and he doesn’t seem to do much thinking for himself. His lack of research about anything is a bone of contention between us. He’s sweet and so I cut him a lot of slack for the stuff that annoys the hell out of me – I’m probably being too difficult (that’s one of my slack cutting devices).
I like people who think for themselves and can explain their thinking when probed – being able to explain your thinking means your thinking is your own.
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Thank you! 😀 I do take the compliment, especially as it comes from you. It’s, well, it’s pretty wonderful to be referred to as inspiring. 🙂
Hahaha! 😀 I have not watched Fear the Walking Dead, which is some sort of spin-off, so I’m not obsessed . 🙂 The original is based on a comic book series that I’ve never carved out the time to read, but I have to say that its unrelenting dystopian view is starting to grate. I keep expecting it to develop some depth (they keep killing off the characters who could do that), to get somewhere (else?) but there’s no denying that I want to see the next season. Perhaps I’m being silly – it is what it is, a tv version of a comic book.
It’s interesting what can be or not be a trigger. The Walking Dead doesn’t trigger me at all, but after reading about your experiences, I can see why it is for you.
Trump. I haven’t looked it up, but apparently, my government has organised a special website & phone numbers in case there’s an influx of American immigration. There’s already been a surge, particularly among those who hold dual citizenship or are married to Canadians.
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Just read your post about Trump. Great piece, you brought up some very thought-provoking ideas and questions. I think that observing the rise of ‘Trump for President’, if it can be viewed in a detached manner, shows part of the dynamic involved in a relationship with a narcissist. The part played by the non-narcissists in creating the persona of the narcissist.
If he does get voted in by the people and there is a big exodus to Canada it’ll reflect the times. It’s not quite the same as the terrible situation in Syria, but there will be connections. We are living in very restless times.
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Thank you. 🙂 I’m actually not all that pleased with the piece, although I posted it anyway. I wanted to get into the idea you have just mentioned – that non-narcissists feed narcissists and a personality cult can arise as a result. All good demagogues need that development. I only got a handle on how I wanted to say that after I published it. For the most part, I was burbling, and I’m actually not very happy with the tone, either. But it is what it is, though. 🙂
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Part of the adventure of personal blogging is being able to express yourself in the moment, let the thoughts tumble out onto a blank page, the more raw and unfiltered the better because then you get to see yourself more clearly. As you write so you listen to yourself and learn from your own words.
The dissatisfaction with a post once it’s published is natural and normal because by publishing a post you’ve already moved on from it, progressing because of it. That’s something my father taught me about creating, he rarely if ever liked his paintings once they were finished, he could have painted over them, or kept tweaking them but he didn’t want to get stuck where some artists get stuck unable to ever let one painting go – he made his living off of his paintings so he had to move on or starve (or get a ‘day job’ which afforded him the luxury of never finishing a painting). He often painted the same image, adding to the new version what he felt the old version had lacked. So if you have anything you want to add to that post, you do a new post which is an evolved version of the old post.
There’s no rule which says you can’t write your next post all about what you didn’t like about your previous post. It’s actually quite a good way to uncover more information about yourself and your own story because we’re often the harshest judges of ourselves and confronting our own self judgments may give insight into what it’s all about and why we’re treating ourselves that way.
As a detached reader I found your post excellent – yes there were points made which could have been elaborated upon, but that’s sometimes what a blogger gives to their readers, an unfinished thought which provokes people to think about it and finish it themselves, comment and share their completed version of your unfinished thought.
It is what it is… why do we have such an issue with it being what it is ? 😉
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Thank you very much. 🙂
I like your suggestions and may do a post about what I didn’t like about the last one, so thank you again. 🙂
I don’t know why we can be so critical – It might stem from trying to be exact about what we’re communicating, or having it be completely clear in our heads, only to have it come out in a lesser form. I listened today to an old Leonard Cohen interview – he’s something of an icon here – where he talked about switching to singing because he wasn’t making enough money from his poetry and writing, and then found himself to be more self-critical than ever because there were more moving parts and the arrangements were becoming more complex. He finally decided that it was all getting out of hand and he needed to simplify and communicate what he wanted to communicate. There’s a saying in flying – “fly the airplane.” Sometimes, simple is best.
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Nice homage to Leonard Cohen 🙂
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have to admit I just love your writing style and thought patterns…might ramble a bit here, so bear with me😝 For me this article brings a few responses…in regards to songs in my head, I tend to seek and play tunes according to my mood at the time(too complex to iterate here, lol) As far as the deep thinking, I “think” I understand and relate to what your conveying. I feel somewhat connected to other “deep thinkers” and appreciate the fact that we “get-it” when someone is expressing these thoughts not expecting everyone to be on this level(does that make sense?) Lol. Guess it’s an appreciation of the like minded(maybe a little of our own inner narc?) heh.
For what it’s worth…your little song made me smile, chuckle and feel innocently light hearted…(even though I didn’t understand the lyrics) lmao. There’s more…but I feel it might be “too deep” and will choose to stay closer to the shallow end for now. Thanks again! As usual great stuff!
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Thank you 🙂
When I was younger I always wanted to dive into the deep end, even if it made my ears hurt and that pain could last for days afterwards. Nowadays I’m beginning to appreciate the shallow end far more… there’s depth in the shallows too. 🙂
The last song which got stuck in my head is the one which my washing machine plays when it’s done with its cycle 😉
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Wow…nailed it! I never considered myself “deep.” Even now I kind of cringe when someone identifies with being “deep.” I cringe because my NPD friend thought she was- but it was actually me- I gave her the material. I know that now. Now I know that sounds coincided for me to take credit for her so called “deepness” but she copied me so much and watched me so closely that I now see it clearly. It’s really just sad. I use that term a lot lately when thinking of her because it is sad. Sad that those with NPD seek out their basic thinking and doing from others. Sad life for her but even sadder for anyone close to her. And I don’t like to be copied anyways since a lot of what I saw is dumbass shit that I don’t want repeated- I don’t want a clone of myself-yuck! I remember telling her that I don’t like people like me- and amazingly enough after I said that she started to become more like her true self. I think my unconscious knew that she was doing this but it was so subtle & covert.
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I think we’d be friends in the squirrel world- collecting nuts and trying to stay away from the “nuts”- if you know what I mean 😉
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Thank you 🙂
The whole copycat thing which narcissists do is unnerving.
I like your take on it, you’ve put a lot of observational thought into it and that’s always deep! I hadn’t considered it from the perspective which you’ve shared of not liking to see yourself that way – through someone else mimicking your stuff, stuff which you may have decided is dumbass 😉 That’s a very valid view, and one worth pondering.
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After I wrote that I kind of thought…we’ll that’s weird…I liked her when she acted like me. I think I like dumbasses after all 😉
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You liked her when she acted like you = you like yourself. Which is a good thing. You just didn’t realise that for her being like you was an ‘act’ and she was not like you at all.
Healthy people tend to think they’re dumbasses and are okay with saying so because they don’t have some ‘persona image’ to upkeep and they have nothing to fear from being a dumbass. There’s a quote about that, something along the lines of – those who are comfortable in their own skin are okay with being a dumbass because all humans are dumbasses 😉
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Ha ha…that quote made me laugh, thanks 😉
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I loved the old Westworld too…we also loved Futureworld…especially the end. Thanks for the memory.
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Thank you very much 🙂
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