The 12th House – It All Ends in Tears

Have you ever felt that someone was hiding something from you?

Have you ever sensed that you were hiding something from yourself?

An intangible itch, an elusive spot to scratch which can’t quite be reached, a pricking of the thumbs, an intuitive hunch which won’t tell you what it knows, a suspicion of something lurking in the fog, secretive and indiscernible whispers, something in the tone of the voice, a micro-expression of sadness between smiling, a deceptive glint in the corner of the eye, movement in stillness, you sense something is wrong but it remains a mystery when you try to pin it down to specifics, facts, the real world…

Try as you might, using all of your cognitive faculties, you can’t figure out what it is that someone is hiding from you and they won’t tell you if you ask them directly which is why you’ve approached the matter indirectly…

And search as mindfully as you want to you just can’t get yourself to reveal what is hidden within…

In astrology this could be caused by and because of the 12th house in your chart, in their chart, in the chart of the world… as you think you know it, but is it ever knowable?

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12th-house-in-astrology-dk-foundation

excerpt from The DK Foundation – The Twelfth House

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This is my final post in this series which I started for some reason I can’t recall (were I to read my first post which introduced this series it probably wouldn’t elucidate matters for me although it might trigger some vague memory, but I really don’t like reading my posts, too many words, too much rambling… so when people tell me they don’t read my posts or that they’re too long, too confusing, etc, I can empathise and I don’t get offended so don’t worry), wasn’t sure I would see it through all the 12 houses to a conclusion (because I often never finish what I start… it is finished for me), continued because something within pushed me and perhaps something without pulled me forwards…

It’s rather apt that I’m writing this on the day of a Full Moon in Gemini (a sign on the highest point in my chart, the MC/Midheaven, which represents amongst many multiple things – communication through writing) which is part of a Mystical Rectangle (nope, I have no idea what that means even after reading several astrology posts about it… sounds cool though).

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gemini-full-moon-2016-julie-demboski

excerpt from Julie Demboski’s Astrology  – 13 December 2016: Under the Mystic Full Moon

If I were to pick an astrologer to give me a reading, Julie Demboski would be at the top of my list

(and my list would be a short one – I’m very Virgo rising, Moon and Pluto in Virgo, picky)

If you’re going spelunking, especially into your own inner caves, finding someone to lead you into the cave is easy, finding someone who will lead you out of the cave before your oxygen tank runs out with your mind, body, and soul still intact is another matter entirely.

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Halfway through I had a dream (dreams are often connected to the 12th house due to it being the home of Pisces and Neptune on the zodiac wheel)…

I have lots of dreams, not dreaming would be a weird experience for me and is when it happens, it can be a nice kind of weird to not dream. Many are vivid, some are lucid which is considered quite a desirable way to dream in the New Age community (particularly to those who are old school New Age, and/or Castaneda fans), but you’re interfering in your subconscious unconscious, while that may have benefits (as exemplified by the stories told of the Senoi tribe – a great post about them and lucid dreaming: How The Remote Senoi Tribes Use Dreams for Personal Growth) it could also have a flip side effect.

There was a time in my life when my dreamworld was more real than my waking world or at least more interesting, I actually seemed to have a life there, a purpose and a place…while this was helpful, a coping mechanism, kept me going when I wanted to end my unfinished story (and a dream also stopped me from ending things)… it was also a problem as it gave me an escape from stuff I should have been facing (while giving me a time out in illusion and delusion to eventually feel able to face things).

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12th-house-in-astrology-the-house-of-self-undoing

excerpt from Bornunderablondesign – The Twelfth House: Your Own Worst Enemy

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in this dream there was a moment, and that moment is all I recall, it won’t let me forget it.

I was complaining about something (a regular complaint of mine which I often keep hidden from others, and sometimes from myself) to someone and that someone (who was also me) said – There are two paths in life, one goes up and the other goes down, one delves into depths and the other climbs heights, one represents what is below the surface and one what is above the surface. You can’t go both ways, you have to choose one or the other – once you make that choice you are committed to that path, you get the blessings and the curses of it, and everything in between. Respect your choice and path chosen. While it is normal and natural to want the path you didn’t choose because the grass is always greener, and this will be a part of the challenges presented on both paths – to want what you haven’t got because you went the other way… your complaint is pointless and a waste of your energy.

My dream was not eloquent in that manner, it used the shorthand of dreams, symbolism… personal images and sensations… to get its point across. What my dream self told my other dream self in actual verbal dream talk was – shut up and stop whining, your complaining and what lies behind it is only going to drive you and those around you to distraction, focus on your path, the one taken and not on the path not taken.

Both in dreams and in waking I tend to talk to myself like that… I have to, it’s the only way to cut through the fog which often surrounds me, is inside of me, and in which I am prone to get lost.

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jack-kerouac-empty-and-awake

Jack Kerouac – Moon in Virgo conjunct Asc

reading Jack Kerouac’s words is like reading myself… particularly my Virgo Moon conjunct Asc self… his Moon has just crossed over the threshold into the 1st while mine is in the 12th, which explains why he expressed his Moon openly and I keep it hidden (there’s more to it than that, I know, but little droplets…).

for an intriguing astrological profile on Jack Kerouac and a look at how his natal chart came through in his life and words, there’s an astrologer who writes some awesome celebrity astrological profiles and whose work taught me how to find my astro in my every-day-ness

The Oxford Astrologer – Unpacking My Library: On The Road

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The 12th house is the last house on the ride around the Zodiac wheel, and if reading your own chart in chronological order you may… be fed up with astrology and interpreting your chart by the time you get to this house and skip it altogether, especially as it is a bit of a flaky spiritual place which speaks in riddles.

Astrology is a language which often sounds like it’s spouting utter nonsense – ask any skeptic or one of your friends who is into trendy pop science (which they think is real science, even though they probably haven’t heard of Richard Feyman or watched his excellent oldie style video roasts of scientific methods, and if they’re British they may be acolytes of that unbearably enthusiastic TV twat whose name is the same as an awesome thespian) what they think of it and they’ll tell you it’s bullshit and you shouldn’t fill your head with such nonsense, instead fill your head with the facts and not-nonsense with which they feed their mind which has made them such delightful people to be around especially if you happen to say anything they disagree with (which is everything you may say). They’re happy to lecture you (filling your lecture with references and quotes from all the stolid minds they admire) until all that you can think about with any pleasure left to it is how you might possibly shut them up… if such a thing is possible once they’ve got going on their favourite subject which often is destroying your favourite subject until nothing is left.

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sun-in-sagittariusmercury-in-capricorn-ruby-slipper-astrology

excerpt from Ruby Slipper Astrology – December 10th, 2016: The Confirmation

This excerpt has nothing to do with the 12th house… unless… the 12th house often speaks through images and the image which accompanies this post speaks volumes to me about my experience of … 12th house stuff.

Nadia of Ruby Slipper Astrology is another one of those astrologers from whom I would consider getting a reading if I were to get one.

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Skeptics and your friend who is caught up in the latest trend of being a science-hipster (perhaps due to that other bullshit thing known as psychology – There’s such a thing as collective narcissism (and it might explain a lot that’s going on at the moment) – no duh! Sorry, oh really I hadn’t realised please enlighten me…) are just doing what helps them cope with this crazy thing called life and living it as the only sane person in a world full of crazy, and if you checked out their natal chart you’d probably find that what they’re being and doing is right there – they’re right on schedule with a transit or expressing their natal placements (just don’t tell them about this or… lecture ensues with added drama because how dare you use that bullshit astrology on them!).

If you want to know what the fatal flaw in their argument is… perhaps because you’re fed up of them telling you what the fatal flaw in your argument is… check out their 12th house (both natal and look if there’s a transit affecting it).

The 12th house sits in a strange position… it’s the hidden just before the reveal – the Ascendant which tends to be our social face, and then the 1st house of the self – Hear me roar! even if I’m being obstinately silent – Hear my silence roar!

Why is the most hidden part of the astrology wheel right next to the least hidden part!? – filed under things which make you, me, us go Hmmmmm…. there’s a lot hiding behind that face we’re so eager for others to see and believe about us.

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madonna-in-her-own-image

Madonna – Leo 12th house cusp/Moon in Virgo (say what!?! Her Moon couldn’t possibly be in Virgo and neither could her Ascendant!)

I’ve been avoiding including her here even though while using the Astrotheme database search to find famous people with similar placements as mine she keeps popping up as a result, and sometimes as the first result.

Lately she’s been… having a rather public meltdown which she probably doesn’t see that way at all… aging and not doing it is bothering her, perhaps. Like it seems to bother many public figures whose faces get blown up larger than life on HDTV.

Nicole Kidman comes to mind… she was always beautiful, almost painfully so to look at, but not as much now as she was in – Dead Calm (1989) – now she just looks… Why would someone so naturally stunning do that to themselves – is what those of us who aren’t living her life in the public eye, and whose career doesn’t depend on our looks as much, may ask in horror at what she has done to herself using the [erks of plastic surgery and other similar tweaks. While still stunning – what stuns isn’t what is natural anymore.

Those are the moments when… my 12th house Moon is rather useful.

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For me in some ways the 12th house is actually the first house in my chart.

If you use chart shapes –  Astrology: Planetary Patterns – which are an interesting layer to the multi-layered tool that astrology is, and you look at my chart shape (just using the basics, rather than adding asteroids, hypothetical points and fixed stars), my chart is a locomotive powered by the Moon – so the Moon is actually the starting point of my chart.

My Moon is in the 12th house… reading up on this placement can be a tad like going to visit a psychic.

Not a real psychic but one of those who does cold readings, tells you that you (a female) have problems with your mother (the Moon is often seen as representing the mother) – no shit Sherlock! Most daughters have issues with their mothers, tells you (someone who has willingly requested a psychic reading) that you’re sensitive (everyone is even those deemed insensitive – they’re probably the most sensitive people around because they’re trying to hide it behind insensitivity) to subtle energies (like a fake psychic cold reading you) and often lose yourself in the numinous world of others (now you’re ready for the punch line… and to be fleeced), tells you that you’ve been cursed (I kinda think we all feel cursed this year, WTF is up with 2016!? Year of the Monkay y’all – I was born in one of those, but this one is a Fire Monkey burning the house down for shits and giggles) and then sells you a cure for the curse at a very steep ever increasing increments of payments price… Ah, this curse is most dark and difficult, you will need to keep coming back to me (giving me your moulah, until you realise this is all a scam, but I predict you won’t call the cops because you’ll be too ashamed of yourself and the effery you got yourself into… so you’ll hide all of this, repress, suppress, in that skeleton holding closet of the 12th house).

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12th-house-in-astrology-dana-gerhardt

excerpt from Astrodienst – The 12th House by Dana Gerhardt

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I’ve been to quite a few psychics… for fun. Yep, I’m one of those people whom psychics find rather annoying because we don’t believe but we don’t not believe either, we’re hard to define and therefore hard to cold read, we may look naive but looks can be deceiving… what you think is there can create traps and tests, a gauntlet to run to get to us and our moulah (yeah, we paid for a reading but we’re not paying to have a curse lifted, especially not the curse which the psychic just put on us because we’re annoying them and they want to make us pay painfully for it by hitting us where we didn’t know we could hurt – Moon in 12th, we hurt everywhere and nowhere at the same time, so good luck with that we haven’t fared well with it but we haven’t fared badly either).

I have Leo on the cusp of my 12th house – exploring the mystical and mysterious, the unknown, is fun for me, the drama appeals and sometimes my ego gets a boost from it… although usually because I scare the crap (due to Pluto in the 1st, maybe…) out of a pretend psychic or faux spiritual person just by staring at them a little too intensely (Mars in Scorpio eyes… apparently this is a thing), not following their rules of who a blind follower of theirs should be and do and say to please them (although I do know what that is… I’m just not doing and saying it because I want to know what happens if I don’t… show me your core, your core wants to be seen even if you want to keep it hidden because it scares you, you don’t know it, it’s an unknown… and the unknown is awesomely eerie), serve their ego which they claim they’ve vanquished (um… okay, but the ego doesn’t like that kind of treatment and tends to act like Mel Gibson… in Ransom or Payback or Braveheart or Lethal Weapon or Mad Max or…) or because they looked into my eyes, not around the eyes, but in them and the reflection of themselves which they saw there frightened them.

Moon conjunct Ascendant people tend to be a mirror for others, which sounds like quite a nice job, and it can be as long as you’re aware… no, wait, aware is old school, these days it’s that trendy thing known as ‘mindful’… that this is your… for others and thus you’re controlling what they see – as in good stuff which makes them get a buzz about themselves and being as they are, but sometimes you’re ‘evil’ because of what someone saw and you have no idea what that is but whatever it was… it’s probably a good thing that person thinks you’re evil and is running away from you. But it still makes you sad and you might chase after them…

Moon conjunct ASC person: Was it something I said, did, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to…

Person running away from you: Get away from me demon!

Moon/Asc: Let me make it better… make amends…

Person jumping off a cliff to escape you: It’s all your faaaaaaa….. splat!

Moon/Asc person looking over the cliff edge: …….. Are you okay? Do you want me to call someone… Ambulance, Rescue services?

Silence ensues… in which the Moon/Asc person leans towards whichever side of the Asc their Moon is on (1st house or 12th house… makes a difference, perhaps, maybe…) to cope with being frozen out.

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charles-bukowski-eaten-up-by-nothing

Charles Bukowski – Virgo Moon in 12th House

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I retreat into nothingness realising that I wasn’t Caspar the Friendly Ghost to you but a spectre of something so horrible, Christmas past perhaps, that you were willing to die to get away from me… not me… I never really was seen nor did I exist for you… I was a projection, a transferred rejected part of you from which you’ve never stopped running, which you hide from and which you hid from yourself… bloody me and my mirror came along…

I’ll just go away where no one can find me…

A cave looks promising, but… I don’t want to disturb any bears hibernating there… I’ve caused enough problems for others…

and I don’t really know what’s what, who is who, thanks to a particularly fantastic phantasmagoric t-square between my Moon in the 12th, my Neptune in Scorpio in the 3rd, and pretty all loving Venus in Pisces in the 6th… no one ever sees me as I am – Venus quixotically aspecting Ascendant says… but do you ever see others as they are – asks Neptune in Scorpio while it longs for a lingering or lingers due to a longing… I feelz you – says Moon but I must keep the feelz I feelz a secret as everyone I care about… my caring hurts them and hurting them hurts me… I shouldn’t be so selfish… but…

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K D Lang – Moon in Virgo in the 12th house

Constant craving has always been…

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And we come back full Zodiac wheel circle to the Ascendant and 1st house…

and to the questions…

Have you ever felt that someone was hiding something from you?

you will feel this if that someone is me… I am…

Have you ever sensed that you were hiding something from yourself?

if this is me… yes…

what am I hiding from you…

from myself…

well, with Moon in 12th… it’s probably emotional…

but my Virgo rising will keep that reserved for – no one’s eyes only

my Moon might object but an object in the sky which is perpetually dark even though it is often so bright it erases the stars from visibility… an object which relies on the light of the Sun to shine light upon it so it can be seen…

by the naked eye…

when are eyes truly naked…

when looking at things or people or concepts like astrology…

we see what and who we see…

is what we see the reality or…

a version of reality created,

bespoke by us for us,

or by them for them, for us for them, to help conjure what they need to nurture their vision… on.

 

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11 thoughts on “The 12th House – It All Ends in Tears

  1. Great series. 🙂 It was fun and also raised a lot of questions. Not necessarily about astrology (although that happened too) but about being a human bean.

    I have Scorpio in house 12 (which means I’m double Scorpio & that apparently can make me difficult, or so I’ve read. I actually can be difficult, quite often with myself, and this leaks out and others step in it.) making me intuitive but also prone to being taken advantage of. I certainly got taken advantage of by my ex-narcissist (I can be a complete pushover), & my M says that I’m very intuitive – I don’t always listen to it, though, or even hear it.

    Thanks for doing this series. 🙂

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    1. Thank you very much for participating 🙂

      I would hazard a guess that Scorpio engulfing your 12th is part of what allows you to spot what others may miss, what makes you seek to understand things more deeply, and also speak openly about it, sharing what you see and understand… which others may perceive as you being difficult as those who point out what others haven’t seen aren’t always applauded for doing that. Are you really difficult or have you come to perceive yourself that way because others made you feel that certain things you do, like ask them for more information, question their ‘truths’ = you’re difficult.

      For instance you spotted that I don’t use astrology for astrological purposes, that my astrology posts aren’t necessarily about astrology. Many people would see the title of the post, the category I’ve placed it in, and some of the language used as being ‘Astrology’ and thus maybe boring, bullshit, not something they’re interested in. If they came to my blog for info about narcissists they want a post about narcissists which is clearly marked and categorised as ‘Narcissists’ and uses the narc buzzword language which other blogs and sites use. But life isn’t that neatly divided, neither are people, so why should a blog be that way. Want to heal from what a narcissist did to you – you’re going to have to explore all of you to do that. Astrology is a self-exploratory tool which allows you to come at yourself from a different angle than usual and therefore can open up new perceptions.

      I used to think that I didn’t have an intuitive bone in my body (my natal chart says very much the opposite)… it took me a long while to realise that this was an erroneous perception caused by many years of not being able to listen to the screaming and shouting coming from my intuitive side. Live with a narcissist and you have to switch that stuff off. Also children are naturally intuitive but they get it punished and nagged out of them by adults who think such a thing is rude, not politically correct, goes against the grain of civilised society.

      As a child I was told that I had to like, be nice to and trust people whom I did not like or trust intuitively – I was usually right about them – and I got punished if I refused to comply. Awhile later it would come out that the person had fleeced in some way those who had told me to trust that person, and now I was told that it was okay to dislike and not trust them. Srsly! WTF!?! Ladies and Genties this is the people circus for ya! 😉

      It’s hard to listen to and trust our intuition (ourselves) when so much effort and time has been spent convincing us not to do so. It’s much harder to unlearn something than it is to learn it, and if learning it hurt and was hard… even tougher to undo that kind of learning.

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      1. You are quite right about that – I do notice things & have been told that what I’m seeing is not what I’m seeing or that I’m difficult if I don’t go along with whatever it is. I used to capitulate to that but now I often just keep my observations to myself. I can be difficult with myself, though, and I’m not good about explaining what’s going on to others because I’m thinking and don’t know yet. And I absolutely hate being pushed.

        You’re right about the human tendency to want to place things, people and events in neatly labelled boxes. Here’s an astrology blog – it has nothing else to offer. But, of course, our society encourages that type of sound-bite approach, too. Your blog is one of the best on WP, in my little opinion. You make me think, very deeply at times, whether you’re writing about astrology or narcissism or sheeple. I know that you write your blog for yourself, but thanks for sharing it with us. 🙂

        I was told what to think, as well, and also got that contradictory stuff. Narcissists screw with our individuality in such profound ways. I remember well when my ex-narcissist came to pick up his things after we split. He commented a couple of times on how “stoic” I was – even complained that that had been a problem in our relationship – but I was just hanging on by one fingernail, waiting for him get finished and leave. I was screaming inside and he had no idea of the irony inherent in his comment. I do tend to be somewhat stoic, but when dealing with him, it became a way of being and living, as it had become in my adult dealings with my mother. It’s a sort of setpoint now – I turn to it in most kinds of questionable situations.

        Yes, it is so much more difficult to unlearn something, especially if the experience was costly.

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        1. Thank you 🙂

          That part about your ex-narc and his focus on your ‘stoicism’ is typical of what a narcissist notices (and also doesn’t notice – he noticed that because it was connected to him and how he was feeling, whereas noticing that you were hanging on by one fingernail wasn’t relevant to him in that moment. His screaming inside would have blocked out your inner screaming from his line of sight). Their attention is often drawn to what they crave, and being stoic under great pressure is something they desire to have for themselves because it is one of the traits of a superhuman and they long to be above human, so when they see it in someone else it fascinates them. What they admire is also what they envy. Your ‘stoicism’ made him see you as strong which probably made him feel weak – narcs are always in comparison mode – so he had to turn your strength into a weakness, take its power away, by criticising it, hence the ‘your stoicism is a problem’.

          Your mother probably found your stoicism a problem too. Narc parents get unnerved by their children being stoic – and yet if you’re not stoic that’s a problem too. Either way they’ll find something wrong with you because of what’s wrong with them. Others are a mirror for them, and in that mirror the forces of ugly and beautiful are in constant battle.

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          1. Such an accurate description of that behaviour. My ex-narcissist claimed that I was “good with money.” I’m actually not, and struggle to manage it in a reasonable way most of the time, but I was better with it than he, so one of the ways he tried to hurt me was to get me into financial trouble. He would do things such as asking me to “stop by” the tire store since it was “on the way,” to pick up his new tires, intimating that he would re-reimburse me for them, but of course he wouldn’t and also couldn’t. That type of thing happened a lot, and if I was short, he would criticise me for not handling my money better. He was careless with anything that I owned, as well. There was a lot of envy going on, as you point out. The amazing thing is that I didn’t have (and still don’t) much to be envious of. They analyse people at the molecular level though, searching for any modicum of “superiority” and then try to make you feel like a lump of shit for having something they don’t.

            Yes, my mother was always finding something wrong, and hit my sister J with that more than the rest of us. And, J was much more stoic than I was. They do constantly compare themselves and they have that mirror always at the ready. Well said.

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            1. Sometimes when they tell us who we are, what we’re ‘good’ at, they’re trying to magically turn us into who they need us to be for them.

              Everyone has something about them to be admired and therefore envied, narcissists are rather talented at finding what that is and then making you wish you didn’t have this thing because once they latch onto it they keep hammering away at it. They can turn a nice smile into a permanent reason to frown. They can make you phobic about having anything because of the unwanted attention it could draw to you. If a narcissists says ‘That’s a pretty pencil you have in your hand…’ it can make you want to chop your hand off and throw the pencil plus hand at them while screaming ‘Take it! Take it!’ and running away. 😉

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              1. A good point and an excellent description of how they act. They’re so perverse.

                I often felt that my ex-narcissist knew my weaknesses and then promoted them as strengths so that I would behave inappropriately. Then he would criticise me for it. I don’t know that there was that much planning in it though – he just liked playing with me, experimenting with my buttons. The worse I did, the funnier he thought it was.

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  2. I really enjoyed those articles 1-12 house… my astrology sources are now rounded nicely…
    astroarena12.blogspot.de
    astro.com
    elsaelsa.com
    and now your articles as well. It’s funny how all of those sources (apart from Astro.com) have a strong Pluto or Scorpio or eight house influence, it is my way of learning. Thank you for a great series, they are as usual spot on!!!!!
    Now are we moving onto new series of articles about the planets, aspects etc…. please say yes!!!! 🙂

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    1. Thank you 🙂

      I don’t know what comes next, I never do on my blog (or in life), I just wait and see, go wherever the flow goes. Probably not astrology for awhile because I’ve astrologied myself out.

      Have you read Jeff Green’s Pluto book – he’s still the master of telling and explaining the Plutonian story. In his natal chart he has a stellium in Scorpio and Pluto in Leo (Pluto as a showman?) close to the MC. There are some videos of him on Youtube, the ones I’ve looked at are… rambling. I liked this one because it’s supposed to be a Q & A, which should be fairly simple, right, but the first question he gets typically shows how hard it is to do a Q & A in astrology… as every individual has a complex chart, every person is complex.

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  3. Excellent post (and not because you quote me 🙂 ) Nice to be in the company of so many astrologers and artists I admire (Bukowski and Lang are two of my favorites) and that includes yourself. It’s never disappointing to see what you have to say–I think of your posts as psychically revealing, not of you personally but of humans as a Collective. And thank you for saying I would be one of your picks for a someday reading–I appreciate that greatly. Have a great Full Moon! jd

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