Who Are You and For What Are You Searching

It’s that time of year…

whatever this time of year means to and for you.

For a lot of people this is a time when we review what we’ve gained and what we’ve lost, what went right and what went wrong, what is coming together and what is falling apart…

and maybe wonder WTF happened to an entire year because it went by so quickly and we still haven’t done all those things we had planned…

or maybe we think WTF happened because we can’t recall anything, we’re hanging on to today but even that is fading as each minute passes…

maybe we feel that this year needs to end and the end is too slow in arriving, like watching a really boring bad movie which you’ve seen too much of to just turn it off, walk out (that’ll be Gone Girl for me, I made the mistake of trusting those raving reviewers who told me how good it was… it wasn’t, at least not for me, and it went on and on and on… a bit like one of my posts)…

we make lists, misplace those lists, find them again when they are no longer relevant…

feel good or bad about having ticked or crossed some things off a list…

hope we’ve covered our asses enough so they don’t freeze or burn or explode (too many sprouts)…

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deep-dark-fears-helicopter-arm

via Deep Dark Fears tumblr

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For WordPress bloggers it used to be a time of year when the elves of WordPress would send us an amusing summation of our blog’s performance (which was fun but also a tad cringe-inducing), they haven’t done that this year (yet), probably because they’ve been busy giving us the gift of glitches as they roll out new tweaks to a structure which was fine and worked well as it was…

but, hey ho, ho, ho, ho…

progress keeps doing its thing, evolving, changing, growing, going somewhere none of us have been before (or have we but we’ve forgotten as there’s too much to remember)…

anyway, I thought I’d share my blog’s stats for this year (just in case you’re curious about it):

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blog-stats-2016

you did this, you out there, the only thing I did was to publish 129 (really, that few, it felt like so many more…) posts, I’m rubbish at tagging, SEO-ing, or promoting my stuff, so if you found my blog because a post was shared somewhere… yay or my apologies (pick the relevant one)

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Most of my popular posts are old ones, I wrote them so long ago that… if someone stole one and posted it as their own and I read it, I might not recognise it as mine.

If I met myself in the street and didn’t know who I was (as in me… I know, this is a weird scenario but don’t we all wonder if we’d know ourselves if we met ourselves?) I would most probably just keep going without even noticing that I’d just had the most amazing opportunity to judge myself from the outside in rather than from the inside out.

I used to wonder about that a lot – what I’d think of myself if I could see and experience myself as other people do. I wondered this because how other people saw me always confused me, it rarely seemed to match up with how I saw myself… and I wasn’t always certain about how I saw myself so I regularly looked to others for feedback (which often made me regret doing that, and not necessarily because it was bad or negative).

Speaking of feedback…

while bloggers, especially those who have a personal blog like mine (which we create and keep creating for ourselves and whatever crazy reason ourselves have for doing it), don’t need feedback… we need feedback.

One of the ways we get it is from our stats, and the best part of that, imo, is the search terms which led someone to your blog. Why? Because these can be used as inspiration and a prompt for a post, especially if it stopped you in your scrolling tracks, made you reverse, reread, pause and then think. They show who what people (even if it’s just one people) are searching for (and maybe their search connects with a personal search of your own), they can be painful because you know whoever tapped that search term is in suffering from a life experience which may be one you’ve had too, and they are sometimes hilarious…

like one of those in the screengrab below:

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blog-searches

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Can you guess which one made me screengrab this and share it.

I’ll give you a hint…

It’s not the first one, that did make me pause to have a chuckle. Someone who is not a Capricorn has decided that they’re right and that a Capricorn they know is wrong, they’ve most likely tried confronting their Capricorn about this and their quest is proving to be rather frustrating, so they turned to their good old reliable source of information friend – the internet – for answers on how to do what they have thus far been unable to do.

I admire their persistence and loyalty to their cause…

If they had bothered to read up on the sign of Capricorn when they were perusing astrological interpretations (they may have tried but most Capricorn interpretations are boring and you know they got distracted by the interpretation of their own sign, which was far more interesting, and discussing with themselves how true or how wrong it was about them), they would know that in this particular instance and scenario their sign is Sisyphus.

The fourth one down is also struggling with a similar problem and puzzle, but theirs is easier to solve – if you have to change the people with whom you decide to have a relationship because somehow your job in life is to change people into who you need, want, think, feel they should be for you, to be better, etc, don’t pick someone born in a Cardinal sign, or a Fixed sign. Try Mutable signs… they regularly change, so they won’t find your efforts to change them to be so invasive, offensive, resisted, and ultimately foiled.

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capricorn-by-linda-goodman

this is an excerpt from Linda Goodman’s Sun Signs, and is the very first interpretation I ever read of my Sun sign when I was a teenager. It was my very first astrology book, and I bought it because my very first proper boyfriend used it to prove that his sign was better than mine, and… while I agreed with him and smiled at him during that moment, I never take anyone’s word about something until I check it out for myself.

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Another hint…

when I first saw it, my mind tried to figure out what post on my blog they were looking for…

then it occurred to me that the search term could be read differently from the way I had read it originally.

I have dyslexia, so misunderstanding what I read is a common event. Thus this particular Capricorn is open to being told that they’re wrong about something, but it may take me awhile to understand that as I have to rewire my brain. Please be patient. Mind you… some of my mistakes are shortcuts to the truth (a tumble through a hedge which lands you onto a road someone was trying to hide from you)…

I’m also an INTP, seeing the same thing from optional perspectives is a regular reflex. It can be hard sometimes to know which perspective is the correct one… if there is such a thing as a correct perspective. Yes, we all think we know what is right, but how do we know that, where does that certainty come from, and how many times have ‘authorities’ and ‘experts’ said this is THIS… only for another authority or expert to come along and say “Those other autho-experts were wrong, we can prove it and can also confirm that this is now THIS which is a different THIS from the previous THIS”…

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mbti-warning-signs-heidi-priebe

except from Thought Catalog – The Warning Label Each Myers-Briggs Personality Type Should Come With by Heidi Priebe

While I am definitely (as definitely as anything or anyone can be) an INTP, I sometimes moonlight as an INFP.

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I also happen to be a child of narcissists (or at least I think I am and if I think I am therefore…) who grew up with daily doses of the awful truth about myself according to them and their mood and thought of the moment.

Along with that came regular installments of what a golden child you are, what a special snowflake, only you can fulfill this quest sirmadam knight in shining armor…

I need you do to something for me, something I don’t want to do myself (as it might make me look bad) or can’t do (because behind this heroic persona is a coward) and so I’m giving you a spoonful of sugar (I’m counting every grain of it), if you want more sugar you’d better do what I want you to do for me or else I won’t love you, you’ll be banished to Mordor…

So I grew up a bit topsy turvy…

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the-girl-she-was-lang-leav

I did this backwards…

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It doesn’t really matter what stood out now, it’s done what it was meant to do… it gave me the push, poke, prod I needed to write something…

I write for myself, I blog for myself, sometimes it helps others…

that’s others helping themselves…

this helps me, not sure exactly how or why, at times it seems pointless, not everything needs a point, some things are better off without one.

In reviewing my blog, my story over the past year, and the years before…

it’s all a bit of a blur

I am a blur

who I am

what I am searching for

Sometimes I know, sometimes I think I know, sometimes I feel… that certain things will always be… ? …

What about you?

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