a zone of noise where everything and nothing is said

That moment just before sleep… who are you?

That moment in sleep… who are you?

That moment just before fully awake… who are you?



Hardcore Henry is one of the weirdest film watching experiences I have ever had (that I can recall). Saw it last night after Mad Max: Fury Road (which I walked out of halfway through to do the dishes because I didn’t want to do them in the morning). It is filmed like a first person shooter video game and is rather awesome, makes the eyes work to watch it, and is like a strange dream which you aren’t sure is a dream while dreaming it.


Have you ever lain in that haze before waking as sleep gently wafts away into the distance behind you,

when the mind still has yet to wake up and start talking, thinking its thoughts aloud in your head all day long, telling you who you are, who to be, where to go, what to do, what to think probably judgmentally about this or that or them, comparing them to you, hoping to win the comparison competition or at least that the other person loses in some manner…



drifting on inner air, flying without wings on some cloud within or floating on an interior ocean effortlessly, without conscious need to consciously be anything other than just…


there’s no need for mindfulness because the mind and its ego, who puts the kick into sidekick, aren’t yet alert enough to realise that you’re awake, and therefore they let you be as you are, a sparkling of atoms attracted to each other to become you.

Who are you in that moment before that button is pressed which turns you on… to the path you usually take once you wake up, get up, it’s time to face the world again, get on the life treadmill, pound that mortar and pestle for the daily grind…



Remainder is another strange viewing experience but for different reasons, you get to hover like a fly on the wall which isn’t always content to stay on the wall in the life of a person whose head was bashed in by something heavy falling from the sky and after a coma they wake up and try to remember what came before it all went blank

(which is pretty much me every morning because my sleep always feels like a heavy something landing on my head maybe that’s why I’m a tad forgetful… I can’t remember what blockbuster film I watched just before Remainder, but I do recall that we’ve been watching one blockbuster and one indie each night during the hols. The blockbusters are harder to recall than the indies… this could be due to some deep philosophical something or due to the way the mind works and doesn’t work, feed it with the same old usual even with too much noise and explosions and it’ll just fuggedaboutit, give it an unusual appetiser and it’ll remember that forever even if it was disgusting, perhaps especially because of that – disgust imprints itself like being branded with a hot iron, there’s a disgust psyche test online in the sidebar here)


Recently a couple of people have asked me questions in comments on my blog which made my mind go bing-a-zing or was it zing-a-bing…

I love questions, I ask them all the time, most of them I keep to myself because they’re often inappropriate (not so much in and of themselves but timing… too soon or too late or too stupid to live but miraculously still alive is my kind of regular timing).

And being a question-o-phile, I can be a precious, pedantic and pompous a-hole when it comes to the questions which others ask in my presence (whether they’re asking them of me or of someone else, or they’re asked in a film, on a blog, anywhere I might see or hear them). I’m a judge at a beauty contest when it comes to questions, and yes, you’ll get my vote if I want to sleep with your question, it makes me very lusty for it’s gorgeous body, accepts my gross leering and hands on inspection, and then bonks my brains out in return.

My attitude, behaviour and such towards questions… gives me a bit of insight and dubious intelligent empathy into the casting couch, the harassing boss, the jeers of workmen, and that sort of horribly yuck side of sexual and angry attraction. I get it… sort of. You’re trying to express appreciation, admiration, animal magnetism… but it’s coming out all club hitting head and hair dragging back to cave. I’m sure your cave drawings of it are more poetic.

While my mind is in this area and arena… the giggle… you know, the one that females do when a male says something really… questionable… which male think good, but female think bad yet giggle… like that vlogger did recently with… wait, I’ll remember his name in a… Vin Diesel… and then she apologised for giggling because other women got all stop doing that women you’re setting the movement back a hundred years on her giggling ass… actually she probably did that to herself before other women did it because that giggle… why do we do it!?!

Well, we do it because…

it’s a bit like Jaws’ signature theme…

as you’re innocently swimming in the water even when they told you NOT to go into the water but you didn’t listen, that warning was for everyone else but you… except it wasn’t.



Couple in a Hole is another WTF is happening kind of film which may keep you transfixed to your screen… it’s sort of what happens a few years later to that couple in a romantic comedy drama after the cameras have gone away because they’re old and grey (even though they’re probably only 31 or something like that) and some new couple is being created out of a weirdo pixie loner and their quirky freaky stalker.

This is pretty much just relationships and where they end up when you deal with life together and life isn’t throwing lottery jackpot wins at you (I’ve heard it sometimes does that… in films).

It was relaxing to watch in a nightmare which you know you can wake up from kind of manner… what was the blockbuster I watched before this? Was it after John Wick, I enjoyed that even though the memory of it is fading… has already faded, except for the name which someone has a certain…


The interesting Q’s asked were:

1 – Now here’s a question for you, if you had a chance to find something what would it be? that includes something within yourself or some object of sorts.

(from 2francoise)

2 – Do you ever feel hum…exposed when you share your planets and chart like you have done? What if people used it for something idk.. like something not good? I have absolutely no idea how you can misuse someone’s chart but someone probably would have found a way.

(from poodle)

they’re not dissimilar to the kind of Q’s which ooze in a deliciously challenging way into my hazy semi-consciousness upon waking, as though sleep is setting awake up for a test, and those are the one’s I love to spoon while trying to figure out my answer to them, if any answer exists to them.



Tom McCarthy is the author of the book from which the film Remainder emerged, the story of him trying to get this book published is a tale of frustrated literature, of life, of art, of sharing… and I loved reading about it in this article as it asked more questions than it answered.

the real story is often the untold one… the one beyond the one we see, hear, tell…


My replies to those comments and questions were… ones which wouldn’t win a beauty contest I was judging. I’d be out before I had a chance to show my talents (which is probably a good thing). I apologise for that, but not for why that happened because life is lived in the moment and at this moment in time I’m…

who am I?

well, one answer to that is… I’m being a stereotypical Capricorn (in its own season, while the Sun and Pluto transit through it, braving wintery storms even in the hemisphere where it’s summer, and Mercury doing its introverted backward wobble through the sign then into the one before it as though trying to escape being in it…).

So while at other times during life and year I probably would have been more daydreamy about my answer to Q #1… right now it’s a practical, stark, cold, feeling its age and the crumbling of its structure one… reflective of dread, that kind of doom and gloom which is always there inspiring coping mechanisms to grow like weeds pretending to be flowers that might fool gardeners into not killing them.

and my answer to #2… was deflective and reflective as in – ask yourself why you’re asking this. It’s the sort of answer father time, in a saturnine mood, might give… FT has been around long enough to conclude that most questions aren’t questions at all, or at least they’re not ones for him, someone else is on a quest, full of fear, foreboding of what the future holds for them and…



a screengrab from one of my favourite episodes of the most recent Black Mirror series – Nosedive – all about social media and status… I recently saw (the gorgeous and knock you over with her smile) Bryce Dallas Howard in Jurassic Park: the Chris Pratt adventures in trying to be an Action man. I had gone to bed and my partner lured me into watching this second blockbuster of the evening while I was supposed to be sleeping (surfing t’internets and playing jigsaws on it because that’s what the www was created for!)


in about a week I level up from 47 to 48… I haven’t even gotten through 50% of this game yet, that’s the glory and the gory of playing a free-roaming game, so many distractions along the way to take you on a detour from away from the main story…

it’s taken me much self-digging and self-exploration to find myself in my natal chart, and I’m actually interested and motivated due to self-interest in finding myself in it… good luck to someone else trying to do that and use it for something not good. They’ll most likely bore themselves to death.

Besides that…

the worst not-good-doers in my life have mainly been me. I am my own worst enemy, nice me is the worst one… nice me is always stabbing me in the back, foot, and pinky with a smile on her do-gooder-doing-me-not-good face…and I have to admit I’ve had a couple of enemy others who have tried and vied for that gold medal and lost. Do you know why they lost even though their efforts were awesome, fearsome and often crippling… because at the end of the day when you sum things like being destroyed up logically, others need your help, participation and whatnot to destroy you.

I recently read a great article (which I would link you to if I had bookmarked it and could find it again…) about how all those spies online who track your every move (even though you clicked ‘don’t effing track me’ on your browser preferences) on social media and shopping sites, etc, and collect that data mostly to sell to others who want to target you with advertising… still get it horribly wrong and leave you feeling that no matter how much you share of yourself, who you are, what you want, like, need, what your ‘weak spots are’… other people just don’t get you or give enough of a shit about getting you to create algorithms to do that for them which do it properly. Mind you the legal ones have to follow complex legislation… so some of what they get wrong about you is done on purpose or else they’d get into trouble.




watched The Salvation last night, not sure if it was the blockbuster or indie film but since the other film was Hardcore Henry… still unsure… the start… I decided to miss that bit and come back when it was over because it introduced itself as – this is going to be painful to watch – and I decided to avoid that kind of painful. Seen it too many times to want to sit through it again. It was mediocre overall, but that can still be good enough. I spent most of it trying to figure out where I had seen the brother before while not allowing myself to look it up online… come on brain, you’re still plastic and not brittle… looked it up just before going to sleep because I just couldn’t place such a familiar face…


Have you ever had one of those moments while getting caught up in fiction, be it book, film, music, art, video game, whatever… where you’re not you but a part of someone else’s creation?

You’re the character in a story which isn’t yours… but maybe it’s close enough to yours for you to relate… maybe this character is more you than you are on a daily basis…

in that moment between sleep and awake, have you ever noticed how much influence you have over who you are…

is who you are that malleable that it can become whatever the mind decides it is…

yes or no or both?

Is that why you… I… we cling onto to ‘I am’ things… like a raft when a ship has sunk, like ruthless Titanic bird drowning Di Caprio even though there was plenty of room for two… or was there?

Time for a song… just not that one!



Here’s to you and whatever you hope and mope for…

(yup, I’m being lazy… hazy… like that moment after and before… in between…)

Best wishes to you whoever you are and whoever you become each morning after the night before!


  1. Loved your questions and those you shared that came from others. I’m thinking you kinda evaded #1 though. 🙂
    But maybe I’m being dense and the whole point is you’ve balanced “who are you” with “why we cling to things–as quasi identity.”
    Which makes me ponder you *doing* Capricorn versus *being* Capricorn… (I’m a Leo, if that’s relevant). In specific I’m mulling ‘esoteric’ versus ‘nuanced’ in terms of your [very]detailed horoscope analytics of late. Even in my ignorance I’ve appreciated your passion.

    George Kelly (slightly obscure psychologist) proposed that our personality is a function of what we’re *doing*. I’ve been undecided about this notion.
    Safi’s quote, “Tell me you remember you are still a human being, not just a human doing” seems to refute Kelly somewhat. Maybe when done to the exclusion of being? (His piece, The Disease of Being Busy, (Safi, 2014) from On Being, isn’t too long, and is nicely written.) I suppose that’s my interpretation of you pointing to yourself as one of your worst not-good-doers; that is, getting caught in the extreme of doing over being (perhaps?).

    In terms of #1 my reflexive reply was “a cure for cancer,” but I think finding a strange translator box that allowed me understand and communicate with trees is a more thoughtful and sincere reply (and a different kind of cool thing to discover).

    Or, as James Taylor put it,
    “It isn’t what she’s got to say
    But how she thinks and where she’s been”

    I can’t help but chuckle though, in that you are so good with your words and so effective at sharing “who” you are that I can sit here in my kitchen and find a considerable bit of enthusiasm for attempting to makes sense of your deceptively shaped ramble-like set of thoughts and questions. With considerable humility and gratitude, I’ve enjoyed coming along for the ride shaped by how you think and the way you share where you’ve been. Your posts via An Upturned Soul in 2016 have certainly been interesting and thought provoking. Until next time, thanks for sharing!


    • Thank you very much for sharing, what a wonderful comment 🙂

      You’re right, I did evade answering #1 in the post, but I did reply a bit less evasively to the comment itself… although on rereading my reply I still evaded it.

      I am an evasive being and also an evasive doing. While sometimes it is a deliberate action, and I am fully aware that I am consciously obfuscating matters for various reasons (some of which are illogical), it is also what happens with little conscious effort. I do it as much with myself as with others which is why if and when I want a straight answer from myself I have to take a rambling detour and look for specific markers in the rambling to collect then put those together – like tracking prey in the wilderness.

      One of the things which struck me about that question upon first reading it was the gulf between how I would have answered it not so long ago and what my instinctive answer to it now was. My answer is rather dull. All I could think about wanting to find was a good builder to help me fix my house without making me broke. My house is made from a substance that makes most builders either run away screaming or think that they’ve found a gold mine and I’m just stupid or scared enough to hand over the gold. It is apparently more cost effective to just leave things as they are, and rebuild if it falls down. Every time I describe my house I feel like I’m describing myself 😉

      I love your reply to the question, both replies, and maybe trees have the answer to the cure for cancer and have been trying to tell us what it is but no one understands them. Many years ago I read up on a scientist who was trying to find a way to communicate with plants. It is theorised that one of the uses of ayahuasca allows for communication with the natural world, and that this and other mind-altering natural drugs helped early humans discover the medicinal properties of plants, although it is also theorised that early humans just ingested things and waited to see what would happen or observed other animals and mimicked them with varying results (some animals can eat poisonous plants and are nurtured by it).

      The concept of being and doing is a fascinating one. I particularly enjoyed Erich Fromm’s take on it in To Have or To Be? mainly because I read that during a time when I felt completely wrong in a right world. I wanted to just be when society around me was focused on having, and I could not get myself motivated to get on board the having train. I was out of sync and still am really so I don’t think I’ve balanced anything – I’m still the child who played alone on a see-saw, standing in the middle seeing if I could somehow get the wooden board to stay horizontal, then getting over-excited when I succeeded which always tips the balance… at least that was more fun than sitting on one end trying to figure out how to play see-saw on your own without another person to be the counterbalance. The few times I did have a see-saw playmate, I often ended up with crushed legs. Hmmm… that was an interesting detour, I’ve just figured something out 😉

      I like the conversation you’re having with yourself, the one that George Kelly is having with Safi within you. I agree with both their views, they could be threads in a tapestry whose colours may appear to clash but when you look at the end result the clashing colours contrast and intertwine beautifully. Being requires doing, for in doing being discovers itself, what it is, what it isn’t, and doing requires being to motivate it. Personality is a structure, a vehicle, a vessel, like a car, house, maybe a boat, a roof over our heads. Within it is a life, outside is life. We need it but if we don’t have it we do not cease to exist. It helps to define us for ourselves, for a time, for as long as we need that definition, and it may change because we’ve outgrown it and what was once a space to fill has become somewhere restrictive which traps and out of which we spill. We need it to interact with other beings, and they need it to interact with us, it can connect but sometimes it becomes what disconnects – either way it is serving a purpose. It’s all part of a giant tapestry which may one day disintegrate and the dust will become integrated elsewhere.

      Reminds me of a lunch I had with my father, we were in a cafe in Paris and he was discussing his frustration with how other people saw him, how their view of him was a burden, or something along those lines, I was only mildly listening because I’d heard this all before, and in mild listening the eyes wander and see… I saw all these other people around us and I was very tempted to turn to those at the next table and ask them if they knew my father and would they tell me who he was. I was actually tempted to stand up and ask the entire cafe if they knew who the man at my table was. I sometimes regret not doing that because maybe… but probably not. I decided it was too cruel, and also it wasn’t the sort of thing a shy person like me did (for a moment I almost broke the code of my personality and maybe… but probably not).

      Your comment and all the questions woven into it most definitely gets the vote of this beauty contest judge 😉

      This song popped into my head while replying…


  2. I’m not grossed out by a lot of things, but I have to say that the fly egg infested teeth – yuck. I also enjoyed reading reading about Tom McCarthy. Pilots have to learn how to do “lazy eights.” They are a series of climbing and decending turns that look like an eight if viewed across the longitudinal axis and demonstrate that a pilot has good control technique. I haven’t read McCarthy’s book but my brain is ticking over the symbolism involved.

    I used to have lots of clarity in the not-quite-awake zone when I was younger. This seems to have disappeared for the most part. Clogged up by stuff, probably.

    I was thinking today that your birthday is soon and you’ve mentioned that it’s about a week from the 31st. The 6th?

    I didn’t last through Mad Max either.

    Great post – I enjoyed reading the comments. 🙂


    • Thank you 🙂

      One of the films I watched had a helicopter which did a loop-de-loop. I didn’t know regular helicopters could do loops! So cool!

      Lazy eights sound like fun, the jets which fly over my house sometimes do those, the sky fills with sound repeating on sound, building up until that’s all there is. The other day they did this thing where they flew right at each other then one veered off and suddenly they were back in formation next to each other (they usually fly in pairs). If they do it at night it looks like UFO’s.

      I think our minds may be like planes, sometimes they have to fly through cloudy skies 🙂


      • Yes. Or through a place where everything and nothing is said. Well said, btw. 🙂

        Yes, they can do loops. There is also the Harrier jet (a British military plane) that has vertical take-off capabilities. Very cool too! It sounds to me as though you’re living under a practise area for fighter flying – they always fly in pairs, lead and wingman. If I lived there, I’d never get anything done and would always have a sore neck from staring at the sky. 🙂


        • Awhile back when I was house hunting, when visiting one of the houses I looked at and exploring the neighbourhood before exploring the house, a jet almost landed on the car… or it looked that way as we drove by a military airport at the exact moment a jet came in to land. My reflexes were too slow to take a pic… I still rue that because it would have been an awesome shot!

          The Harrier is one of the sexiest planes ever!!! ❤


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