There were three abstract subjects which were of prime importance in my formative years, and early environment:
1 – Power
2 – Love
3 – Anger
Of those three – Love – was usually connected to and on the cusp of Anger or Power…
When certain people get angry they sometimes justify their anger by claiming that it is love which has been hurt, twisted, is suffering, and is the cause of their tirade against you – you don’t love them enough, they love you too much, they want proof of your love, or to prove their love to you but you’re not being cooperative, it’s your fault for… for not… they love you but… and so on.
When certain people want to have power over you they use love as a means to get it – they love you ergo you have to do/be such and such for them or else, they have a mythical epic quest for you to prove your knight in bling worth loving status and you must accept it or you’re a failure, their love is bigger better brighter and not just for anyone (even though they’re mother earth embodied so in theory should love all and sundry and not be so particular and picky), no one other than them could (be such a hero and saint as they are to) love someone like you so you’d better be grateful and appreciative, mindful, or you’ll lose the only love you’ll ever get and have, their love is special because it comes with gifts…
excerpt from A Conscious Rethink: The Dark Side of Empaths (excellent article, interesting site)
I’ve known a few narcissists who have claimed to be Empaths – this is probably the most exhausting type of Narcissist/Empath to be around, as they’re so convinced that they’re the good guy and (you’re the villain) they will drain you until you feel like a corpse to prove it, and then accuse you of being the one draining them even though their cheeks are flushed with their latest sip from what’s left of your blood… their argument will always be better than yours because they put more effort into maintaining their version of the story.
Sometimes it’s best to agree with them that you’re the ‘toxic’ one and let them discard you from their life as they go about establishing healthy boundaries so the energy around them can be more positive, supportive, and cleansed of your negativity.
or they see their supposed love for you as you having power over them (how dare you!), and since they’re control freaks they don’t like this imbalance of power…
and other complications of the human psyche which really aren’t necessary but may seem vital, and so on.
My father’s favourite motto was – Those who love me, follow me – this was something he often said when others questioned one of his self-destructive crusades.
It’s similar to – If you love me, you’ll…
People like him are proving something to themselves about themselves (and sometimes about other people, but that’s still about themselves). They use others to do that – but you’re not always apprised of how you’re being used, and this makes a big difference.
Follow him to prove your love for him to him and… it can get you into as much trouble with him as not following him. Sometimes he loved those who didn’t follow him more than those who did (his hate was at times worth far more than his love)…
so don’t expect to get a prize for jumping off of a cliff for someone else to prove you love them more than life itself as they may think you’re an idiot for doing that while basking in the power they had over you when you were alive, it’s a shame you’re dead now… as now they’ll have to find new sacrificial lambs to slaughter (which they’ll get more easily by using you as a fantasy comparison for others to live up to or do better than).
Certain Narcissists favour the use of palter because it’s far harder to call them out on it as a lie – they told you a truth, if you didn’t check it further then that’s not their fault, you obviously wanted to believe what they were telling you and that’s on you.
…and therefore there were really only two abstract subjects of prime importance – Power and Anger.
Anger at not having power, at powerlessness, and the need to get Power (which often requires Anger as a motivating spur).
However Love was a hub for both of them… and, for me, over time, it became more important than either of the other two to figure out what it actually was.
I don’t know… do we ever truly know ourselves and the why’s of our favourite chafing points?
Sure I have answers to the why, but…
answers to why’s are easy to come by, create, invent, and delude ourselves about their veracity and that’s thatness…
but the world of abstract concepts is constantly in flux.
this only makes sense if you know I’m an INTP… or maybe it makes sense anyway or perhaps it never makes sense but seems to briefly when looked at from a particular angle that gives you a crick in the neck of your eye.
Power, Love are moveable feasts… which we sometimes deny ourselves in an attempt to give them to ourselves – the most common version of this is when we try to pretend we’ve mastered our ego, gotten rid of it, become superhuman or some such fairy tale we tell ourselves (or which our ego tells us).
Ego: Yeah, you awesome hunka human, yay for you, you’ve gotten rid of ego, you are now better than everyone else who is still in the thrall of ego!
Anger, on the other hand, while also a moveable feast (and something we may conjure out of the ether)… sure you’ve stopped being angry about that and them, but have you noticed that suddenly you’ve got a new source of the grumbles, peeves, and grrrs… is a bit less abstract than Love and Power due to being a little more on the visceral side.
Anger can be caused by a stubbed toe or some other physical injury or injustice – indigestion, nausea, etc. Or badly fitting shoes, a physical irritant… Or a fright – we often get angry at those we love in those moments when they’ve been injured (and we weren’t there to stop them from being injured), when they slipped through our controlling protective net, and we’re pissed at them because we fear losing them, our loved one, our source of all that’s good in a world gone bad (or something along those lines).
Anger can be a precursor to Power or Love, or Love and Power.
Don’t you just feel powerful when you remove pain-inducing clothes, and don’t you just love it when your body is allowed to overflow the boundaries placed upon it by you or society (or society and you) without feeling shame (or anything else that is also an abstract concept).
Mind you, watch out for the mind…
Have you ever considered that there’s no hole in your soul, but someone sometime somewhere told you that you should have one of those gaping holes in your soul because t made you deep and if you don’t then there’s something wrong with you…
maybe it was a narcissist-empath who sold you that increasingly expensive storage unit?
The mind can replicate anything… it’s a genius when it comes to mimicry and creative interpretation of reality.
One of the best examples of the mind taking over feeling, and replicating feeling in an almost real but not quite real manner is when observing a narcissist at work/play with reality.
If you want the kind of Love or Power portrayed by TV/Film/Fiction/Books look no further than a Narcissist to give you the romance of those abstract concepts in 3D. They can make your dreams appear to come true – but don’t blink!
They have the ability to make a lot of something out of absolutely nothing – kind of like a fairy godmother turning rags into a ballgown and a pumpkin into a beautiful carriage to take Cinderella in her ballgown to a ball where she’ll meet her destiny and someday become a princess (who can then rub that in the faces of her wicked stepmother and stepsisters – this kind of power play is something a Narcissist can actually empathise with even though they’re not supposed to do empathy. If you’re doing this with your life a Narcissist will help you with it, but it comes at a price, dearie).
Which is wonderful as long as it’s never midnight…
but when midnight comes…
a great article giving you a quick no-nonsense reality check if you’re still hoping your narcissist is going turn into who you want them to be for you and give you what you want.
You might need to reconsider the parameters by which you’re perceiving or judging reality, others, yourself…
which is never an easy thing to do…
but sometimes what is hard to do opens a doorway for us and offers us a threshold to cross,
but once crossed you can never go back to the way you were and things seemed when you were that way.
What do you think, what is your take on these themes?