In The Company of Disorder

Do you know a narcissist?

Not necessarily a super-charged, malignant, Bond-villain type of Narcissist… who is in all probability a sociopath/psychopath with narcissistic tendencies rather than a simple narcissist (‘simple’ in comparison to a sociopath/psychopath).

.

If you’d like to observe from a safe distance a superb rendition of a malignant narcissist, then check out the TV show Billions

there are some awesome spot on scenes which will teach you everything you need to know about narcissists, and why you shouldn’t try to get revenge on a narcissist who hurt you.

.

But an everyday, ordinary and average narcissist?

Chances are you most likely do, however you may not know that you do as they’re not obvious, in-your-face, conveniently being a stereotypical narcissist…

some narcissists aren’t out to destroy the world, they’re trying to save it, and generously fix you because you’re broken but once they get you working properly Nirvana will ensue…

they live in Tomorrowland (where special people have to make the world a better place for the non-specials who are so easily influenced…) and Once Upon A Time

.

some narcissists think that everything they do they do it for love, for their love of you… but the moment things go wrong or not according to their fairy tale of how love should work, they turn dark.

in an episode I watched of this narcissist-fest show, Hook had disappeared, Emma (the narcissist saviour) immediately assumed the worst – as in he’d left her and didn’t truly love her as he had said and proved millions of times that he did, she packed up all his things, gave up on him, felt sorry for herself and that self-pity poured out of her all over everyone else while pretending she was being all stoic and brave about it, keeping it all hidden, made everyone feel bad for the poor saviour, and didn’t think differently until he managed to get a message through to her to tell her he’d been banished by a villain, he loved her and would do everything in his power to get back to her… then she changed her tune and was back to loving him again (after having discarded him in the blink of an eye).

.

some narcissists just don’t appear ‘narcissist’ enough for you to label them that, and you brush their narcissistic behaviour off with other labels like selfish, deluded, annoying, a-hole, and move on.

To get you to go the extra personal mile, and do some search and research online which will land you with a bunch of results telling you that you’re dealing with a narcissist (or a very narcissistic person who doesn’t necessarily have NPD)…

.

excerpt from Psychology Today: The Real Narcissists by Rebecca Webber

.

…you need to not be able to brush off someone’s behaviour and their behaviour’s effect on you – this is the clincher as we don’t give a bleep about what or who people are unless it affects us personally and causes issues for us from which we can’t blithely move on after a bit of a bitch and grumble session.

We love people who affect us positively and will keep loving them, can’t get enough of them, until like a drug which gives us a pleasant high-five they stop having that desired effect, they cease to function as we need, want, and expect them to, and then we dump, ghost, discard them after finding that we can’t control, manipulate, and force them to be who and what we would like them to be for us.

But sometimes we just can’t let go and our love turns to hate… and then we need to justify our hate because we’re good, nice, people so it has to be someone else’s fault why we’re not sticking to our good and nice person personal identity story. We love everyone, so when we hate someone… it must be their fault we hate them, something must be wrong with them for things to keep being right with us.

.

.

Being human is complicated…

according to one article I read – Why People Like Gardens and Parks by Hana Parvez – humans are still ‘young’ in comparison to the lifetime of planet Earth, and so even though our civilisation is so evolved and has progressed so much in a relatively short time that we’re almost living the Star Trek dream… deep down we’re still roaming the African Savannah (which is why we like parks and gardens to have lots of lawn with a few trees and shrubbery, and a water feature).

…and being human while dealing with other humans being human leads to relationship complication mess… wherein we decide that we’re in the company of the disordered (with both sides doing this).

In an episode of a TV series I’ve been watching (Der Bestatter) a truly evil and horrible man (who’s involved in the organ blackmarket amongst other nefarious crimes) told a cohort that someone else (the good guy) was a truly evil and horrible person… which presented a paradox – when someone evil calls someone else evil, what happens!? Does it cancel evil out?

It’s a well-known factoid that narcissists often accuse others (sometimes everyone else) of being narcissists… and they may get their accusation in before others do (dibs) and once they’ve done that whoever has been accused is going to have a tough time shaking off that label because all their attempts will be labeled as ‘this is exactly what a narcissist would do!’.

.

.

Nowadays we all know a narcissist… a rather public one who is triggering all sorts of issues for everyone, and who is hard to ignore and move on from…

because this narcissist can’t be ignored, it causes people to want to explain him away or put a spin on him which will dissipate the pain of all the cognitive dissonance his static interference, white noise, and shenanigans are creating.

A friend of mine shared this article with me, it cuts to the chase with wit and brilliance, is well thought out, is definitely worth a read, and is fairly spot on…

.

excerpt from Vox: Β We overanalyze Trump. He is what he appears to be. There is no correct Theory of Trump. by David Roberts

.

… the bit which I thought wasn’t so spot on was where he dithers about the word ‘disorder’ and applying it… to be fair, he kind of had to do that because of the media and medium, and his status within it. He just can’t go there for many reasons (the biggest of which is ass-protection) because then the author of the article would poke society in a place that society does not like to be poked.

Someone like Trump grew up being fed the reality of a social environment which worships success – the kind of success which you get by doing the sort of things and being the sort of person portrayed in the TV show Billions.

The corporate world has a very different set of guidelines, ethics, ethos, mores… than the world outside of it which it is trying to control. The corporate world has gained in power and influence over the recent decades, and general society is influenced by it even when they rebel against it (to rebel means you’re still trapped inside the machine…)…

.

.

In the reality of the corporate world, the business side of life… someone like Trump does not have a ‘disorder’ because he is in the company of the disordered… and those ‘disordered’ have made their ‘disorder’ the new order… and you only have a ‘disorder’ if you don’t join in, don’t join them, don’t accept their rule and way (the way of the warrior who lives the Art of War)… and try to beat them (but trying to beat them means they’re still the ones making the rules).

Recently someone commented on one of my old posts about narcissists and offered a long list of things I (or others like me who were recovering from being in a relationship with narcissists) could do to heal, make myself better, sort myself out… while their gesture was well intentioned, offering support, care, nice and good… reading the list made me feel an old familiar kind of heaviness (that’s down to how I read what I read, and my individual experience, and not down to them and what they shared).

People are not objects, things (even when we may feel that we are), we’re complex living organisms which are constantly shifting… sometimes when we break the last thing we should do is try to glue ourselves back together…

sometimes being a disordered mess is exactly where you need to be, you’re breaking out of a shell, so that you can grow and go…

.

.

wherever it is you’re growing and going to… which may be home to yourself, a place where you’re okay as you are and don’t need to do anything other than be as is and accept what and who is.

Gotta go now and seek out things to grow…

let me know your thoughts, on topic or off topic… let the mess be like finger paints!

 

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “In The Company of Disorder

  1. Love your last line. πŸ™‚

    I enjoyed reading the article about Trump and agree with you about the dithering around the idea of “disorder.” I also see Trump as failing/unsuccessful in this new job and therefore according to the writer’s reasoning, the label should stand. But I otherwise thought that he nailed the whole Trump/narcissistic personality. I’ve had some conversations about Trump with my M or others. When I say to them that Trump’s behaviour is impetuous, in the moment, ungoverned and impulsive, they find it hard to believe. The question they usually ask is some version of “Then how did he get this far?” As you point out, he’s been insulated in a disordered world where “order” is unusual. And in addition, there is the American cultural emphasis that’s placed on individual ambition, self-interest and “success.”

    We are surrounded by disorder – I would say that there’s probably as much disorder as there is order. It’s a normal part of life and great things come from it. Right now I’m living in a community that accepts disorder. It’s part of the natural world and yes, part of the growing I’m doing.

    Just wandering off now to look for my paints … πŸ™‚

    Great post. πŸ™‚

    Like

    1. Thank you very much πŸ™‚

      Yup, I’ve had conversations similar to the ones you mention having with M and others about Trump. Like you, I’ve tried to explain that narcissists are 5 year old spoiled brats inside the body of an adult and they don’t live by the same rules of logic that everyone wants them to live by – applying ‘adult’ logic to them only confuses the observer more.

      I think part of the reason people just can’t believe that someone like Trump exists and why they keep hoping that he isn’t as he is, is because believing topples their sense of order in the human world. If someone like him can become Potus then none of the rules by which people live matter and if those rules don’t matter anything goes and chaos ensues. Narcissists tend to leave people with the question – if someone who behaves badly gets everything given to them on a silver platter then why am I behaving ‘properly’, why am I being a good person never getting what I want like they get what they want by being a bad person… perhaps I too should be a bad person then I’ll get what I want.

      They also like the shock and awe they experience when they hear about the latest thing he’s said or done. It’s the addiction to the highs offered by the narcissistic drama. Thus people may prefer being confounded by him rather than understanding him.

      Have fun with your paints, don’t let the lines dictate to you πŸ˜‰

      Liked by 1 person

      1. This is very true. My ex-narcissist was a big rule breaker and it astonished me the degree to which he got away with it. (An aside – I recently got an email from him through a third party [yes, the internet provided him with an avenue of contact, one that I’ve now shut down] because he’d just split from his latest source of financial support, thus proving another characteristic of the narcissist: they always try again.)

        I was never much of an artist, but this painting thing – definitely without lines! – is great. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I keep hearing this coming from the psych community. That the percentage of malignant narcissism is not increasing. Even this article contradicts itself in the end by saying that the true malignant narcissists are hiding amongst all of us and our fervor for hunting narcissists. This reminds me of my theory of opposites where the narcissist says one thing and does the other. For sure, most malignant narcissists are not being diagnosed. So how can they claim to know what percentage of them are out there. Narcissism is taking over entire societies. You can call them Psychopaths or whatever else you want to but I say this is Mankind’s greatest weakness. Therefore the most dangerous to all of us!

    Like

    1. Thank you for sharing πŸ™‚

      I agree there does seem to be contradiction and confusion (two things which are a regular part of the narcissist experience) in the professional psychology community about the statistics of NPD. The ‘only 1 percent of the population are real narcissists’ is an old estimated statistic which hasn’t been updated with a new study and findings.

      I think in some respect the sudden and intense interest in narcissists of the general public took the psych community a bit by surprise and they’re playing catch-up (which in some cases means relying on old data because of the rules of the psych world, and it’s ‘safe’ and not ‘risky’). Since quite a few professionals have stated that those with NPD rarely go into therapy (at least not to be diagnosed with NPD) and that it’s usually victims of narcissists who end up in therapy, it follows that the stats will be skewed.

      Awhile ago I came across this article by a professional – http://narcissisticbehavior.net/narcissistic-victim-syndrome-what-the-heck-is-that/ – which I think is both forward thinking and reflective of the massive ‘catch-up’ needed in the professional psychology realm.

      All things considered, psychology is still a relatively ‘new’ system in human history, and in its early beginnings it was more flexible and experimental which gave way to many advances, but now it’s more established it has become more stilted, thus there are fears of rocking the boat. Still there are pioneers out there paving new ways… and perhaps now is the time for a reboot in the thinking of the psychology establishment.

      Narcissists have a way of shaking things up for all of us, and making us rethink what we thought we knew about being human. Being the victim of a narcissist forces the victim to get to know themselves better… we could all use a bit more of a personal home-coming and less reliance on others to tell us who to be, what to feel and think.

      Maybe philosophy is better suited for dealing with something as complex as narcissism as it is older and therefore a bit wiser about the human condition and conditions.

      Our greatest weaknesses often lead to our greatest strengths and vice versa…

      β€œA man will be imprisoned in a room with a door that’s unlocked and opens inwards; as long as it does not occur to him to pull rather than push.” ― Ludwig Wittgenstein, Culture and Value

      Like

Comments are closed.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: