My Past Life as a Narcissist
Like with most of my posts I’m going to jump around from subject to subject, go off on tangents, ramble seemingly randomly, babble about myself, and so on… if you haven’t got the time or patience to sift through all of that to find what you’re looking for, need or want from my word share, here’s a quick overview of the idea behind this post:
Perhaps I was a Narcissist in my past life which is why in this lifetime I had to deal with other people (particularly my parents) who are Narcissists (or who I experienced as being Narcissists and therefore I think they’re Narcissists whether they are or not).
[please note: you don’t have to believe in reincarnation, it’s a theoretical concept which means it’s adaptable to however we want to use it, and ‘past life’ can mean a former life within this lifetime. While I am using it in a reincarnation manner for this post… I could also use it to mean how I used to be before experiences made me want to ‘better myself’ or some or self-manipulation to manipulate the effect of experiences.]
And here’s a list of the thoughts inspired by this line of thinking:
1 – Maybe having a relationship with a Narcissist is about experiencing the other side of a dynamic to make you aware of what it’s like to be on a receiving end of a certain type of behaviour.
There’s a line of thinking in ‘spiritual’ philosophy that when you’re ready to learn your teacher will appear…
the problem with this ideal is that we may take it literally and thus miss noticing the teachers appearing in our lives, which means we may think we’re never ready, and we might also miss realising when we’re being the teacher who appears in someone else’s life. Or we may think that the teacher has to be a person, when it could be an object, a place, an experience, a habit, an addiction, a something rather than a someone.
I was totally into this ideal and took it too literally for ages, waiting to be a student ready for my teacher to appear (and expecting my teacher to be a stereotypical guru, anything other than that just wouldn’t do)… until one day while browsing in a metaphysical bookshop I bumped into a stereotypical guru who decided that he’d appeared for me and I was to be one of his new students (all of his students happened to be female… hmmmm…). He was very determined about this and had I been still convinced of this ideal I might have fallen for his self-promo as my teacher who had finally appeared meaning that I was finally a ready student (ego-boost +100 points!), but…
I was surprised to find that I was over this ideal (and he sold me on how over it I was). I thanked him for his overly-insistent promotional offers to take me away from this world to his otherworldly ashram (where I would cede all my worldly belongings to him as part of my apprenticeship in his ‘teachings’) and made my exit from this scene like the roadrunner leaving the coyote behind.
What I didn’t realise then or until much later was that this was my first mindful moment of not falling for the fairytales told by the narcissist inside of us (which often takes the form of a narcissist outside of us appealing to the narcissist within us).
No, I’m not saying it’s your fault that you fell for a narcissist, however the narcissist tapped into a something within you and if you really want to figure out how you ended up with a narcissist (so it doesn’t happen again or so that you can come away from the experience feeling that you gained something rather than lost everything), it can help to investigate what they used to hook you (and how you might get hooked again).
2 – When we behave a certain way we have our personal reasons for behaving that way, and those reasons most often serve the purpose of justifying for and to ourselves the way we are behaving. We expect others to accept our reasons – however we’re not as accepting when others behave a certain way and of their reasons and personal justifications for it.
While we can be painfully aware that someone else is being narcissistic, our own narcissistic behaviour may fall into a blind spot. We’re not being narcissistic… we’re protecting ourselves, standing up for ourselves, chasing our dream, not compromising on what we think we deserve, being radically honest, being true to ourselves and what we want, etc… but they are being narcissistic when they do the same things which aren’t narcissistic when we do them.
They’re making it ‘all about them’ but when we do that we’re not doing that…
is this healthy or narcissistic or both or maybe neither?
3 – If everything that happens to us reflects us back to us, and everyone in our lives is a mirror…
How can we know who we are, how can we know who others are… and how can we make sense of what we see either within or without?
If I want to look good, must I see only good around me?
What if I think someone is a narcissist… is it them who is the narcissist or me?
(Rahu/Ketu are the North/South Nodes)
The excerpt above is an astrological interpretation which I came across at the end of a trail I was following. The journey which landed me there didn’t start with astrology, it started where most of these explorations do – with me trying to figure out the answer to a personal question I had asked myself.
Mostly I stay away from Vedic Astrology. I have my reasons and justifications for doing that which range from ‘I don’t want to confuse myself more than I usually am’ to ‘I can’t deal with an astrological system which takes one look at my chart and says – you are doomed by malefics and inauspicious placements’ and the one which always persuades ‘my Western chart suits me better as I am a Westerner’.
The last argument always persuades because in Vedic astrology I’m a Sagittarius Sun with Leo Rising, and Leo Moon which just makes introverted me cringe with how extroverted that is (I am in awe of extroverts and their ways which are foreign to me except in my inner fantasies)… while in Western Astrology I’m a Capricorn Sun with Virgo rising and Virgo Moon… and the latter does suit me better overall as it’s the chart of a hermit.
However if I think about it, opening my mind from its narrow comfort zone… I would say that the Vedic version of my natal chart might be representative of my id (part of the journey I took lead me on a detour through the id, ego, and superego, with me trying to figure out which part of me was which/who) or of who I was in a past life (the past life which pertains the most to this present lifetime) – in other words this is the natal chart of the person I was whose karma I am having to work through now…
Was it really Charley’s fault that you weren’t a contender?
(yeah, I know how this sounds, but have you read the world news recently…)
Whether I were to use the Vedic or the Western version of my natal chart, both have one significant similarity – my Nodes are still on the axis of the 1st/7th houses (all that has changed is the signs – which does change things but I haven’t researched how), with the North Node conjuncting Chiron, and the South Node conjuncting Uranus/Jupiter.
The Nodes are hypothetical (sometimes referred to as mathematical) points in the chart… and hypothetically they can give you an idea of your karma, particularly your past abilities (as well as tendencies and expectations) which come naturally and what doesn’t come naturally which needs to be developed, and a plethora of other ideas depending on which astrologer or school of astrological thought you dip into when investigating this subject…
if you get disappointed a lot in life, your nodal axis can help to elucidate why this happens and what to do about it (but you might not like the answer to that as the Nodes aren’t kind to the special snowflake within us – we all have one of those within so those who are using ‘snowflake’ as a pejorative term to intellectually bully others might want to…
but they’re not listening…).
(I came across this article while browsing the ‘most popular’ section on the site)
I have to admit that the Vedic interpretation of this nodal position (at least the interpretation I linked to above) is more spot on than anything I’ve read about the nodes in Western Astrology.
It’s an uncomfortable read, but sometimes that which makes us uncomfortable is exactly what we need – it’s the territory of the North Node, and conjunct Chiron – digging into the wound is the only way to access the healing, the wound and the healing are merged, linked, interconnected.
Shy away from what hurts, what makes you suffer, let fear of the pain drive you away, inspiring in you the ambition to escape by whatever means, and you’ll miss the benefits which come as part of the package.
You won’t get those benefits from wallowing in self-pity either…
and no one else can figure it out for you, no one else can save you…
excerpt via Simply Psychology: Id Ego Superego
but you may think that others have the answer, can help you, save you… if only they would take time out from their own lives to help you.
You’re not asking for much…
you have a question and they have the answer,
you have a problem and they have the solution,
you have a need and they have supply,
you have a wound and they have the balm,
you are you and not other ordinary people… you’d understand this person not helping the ordinaries but you’re you!!!
Why are they being so inconsiderate…
why aren’t they doing what you want them to do for you?
If they were in your shoes and you were in theirs, you’d help yourself… or would you?
Flaked is an awesome special snowflake of a show, entirely populated by Narcissists or narcissistic people/behaviour
Season 2 even has a guru who is preaching that ‘the past is dead’ and that everyone needs to discard the people and the belongings which belong to the past… everyone should do that except the guru, of course, who needs his past to maintain his position over others and to intellectually bully anyone who challenges him.
If you could help yourself right now… what would you do for yourself?