Headaches and Heartaches

The other day I had a song stuck on repeat in my head, it had been used briefly in a TV show I was watching the night before, but it didn’t start haunting me until the following day.

As far as songs which get stuck in the head go, this one was one of the better ones…

I have an internal mixtape which contains some truly bizarre tunes, Japanese nursery rhymes, Italian folk songs, French 80’s pop, opera arias, crooner classics, calypso, blues, rap, punk, advert jingles, video game tracks, and Old Uncle Tom Cobley et al…

some of which I’m not really sure how they got in there, the mind is a collector of random stuff and doesn’t let go easily once it’s taken hold, and others which I know why they’re part of my inner soundtrack, they struck a chord with me, hit a spot at a certain time, expressed a feeling or thought which I couldn’t do for myself, were needed to solve a puzzle, heal a wound, and I listened to them over and over until they lodged firmly in my pink labyrinth…

some I loved then and then no longer loved, but it’s too late to weed them out…

others, like this song, I still love, particularly the chorus, the lilt in the voice of the singer, and the passion flowing throughout.

I’m not going to share the song with you, as the first rule of song stuck in head syndrome is don’t share it even though the virus wants you to infect as many as possible, but I will give you a couple of hints if your curiosity needs satisfaction…

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by Dave Coverly

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The lyrics of the song discuss the effects of conflict, and speak of how an outer conflict can sink into you and play out inside, fighting in your head.

I was thinking about this because today I was reminded of another song… this one isn’t stuck in my head (yet), but I did play it over and over a long time ago when I was suffering from the intense heartache of being a teenager. It was a popular hit which spoke of the pain which inspires the pained to want to become heartless…

and during that period of my life I really desired to be without a heart… everything hurt deeply and the hurt was never-ending, just when you recovered from one stab, and began to think that maybe life… another stab would hit you where it hurts… over and over, pain and more pain…

Why do we do this to ourselves, why do we do it to others, why do others do it to us, why do others do it to themselves… and yes, those are answers as well as questions.

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excerpt via Fourbythreemagazine: The Stranger, the Saint, and Grief’s Goodness by Michael Cholbi

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What brought this to mind was…

several things seemingly disparate…

there’s so much political and social unrest at the moment… this moment has been years of grief, anger, fear, gaining momentum, building up, breaking down… certain aspects of what’s going on now around the world are similar to what was going on around the world (and at home) when I was a teenager.

I recall at one point trying to figure out where in the world I could go to feel safe…

or to survive the global nuclear war which was always looming overhead… eventually, after watching all the films they kept making at the time about post-apocalypse Earth (yup, they made those then too), I decided it was probably better to perish.

But I didn’t want to perish even when I did…

I just wanted the pain to stop, but since I couldn’t stop, control, the inflictors of pain from doing their thing, I needed to stop, control, myself from being hurt by their actions, deeds, words… I wanted to harden my heart against the blows inflicted upon it, so that it would break the knives others plunged into it before they hit their target, even though hardening my heart put me at risk of becoming like those who hurt me…

.

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I never figured out how to harden my heart…

after analysing all the work involved required to achieve that ideal, goal, dream… it seemed more trouble than it was worth… the loss was greater than the gain… or maybe I’m a lazy person productive only in excuses.

But researching such a task made me understand that the pain others inflict upon us is the pain they are feeling, and the pain they are feeling is the pain I am feeling, that we’re overflowing with it, washed away by it, and drowning in it…

Astrologically this could be explained by Chiron, the wounded healer, transiting the late degrees of Pisces…

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excerpt via milkywayastrology: Planets in Late Degrees – What Do They Mean?

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I have this placement natally, at the 29th degree… which is considered the end of a cycle, where the pressure intensifies, builds up, for a final release.

Soon I will experience a Chiron return – Transiting Chiron will be in the exact position it was when I was born, revisiting old territory to perhaps find out if I’ve learned anything, if I’ve delved into the wound to find healing, if I’ve passed on healing or hurting (Pisces is a sign which represents the collective, the collective unconscious, the ocean of us), if I’m all headaches and heartaches or…

I do have a headache today, it was the beginning of a migraine but I think I caught it before it settled in for a three-day tour of my brain… and I did experience heartache earlier, but it was mild, a slight pang stirring up a heavy sigh and a foggy memory, still lingering because it is not sure what to do with itself…

in other words, I’m just a human having a human being human day…

and soon I will have to go to a social gathering, where I will forget myself and my story for awhile to make room for others and their stories… listening to the songs which are a part of their inner mixtapes.

Care to share one of yours, and what it means for you?

 

 

 

 

 

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15 thoughts on “Headaches and Heartaches

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  1. Earworms! Ha! The theme from “Orange Is the New Black” recently caused problems. Since I like watching the show I had to be careful to forward through the opening to avoid hearing it. It was following me everywhere – into the shower, along with my lunch time chewing (I caught myself trying to chew in time to it), under the covers at night where it was keeping me awake (it and the midnight sun). Yikes! Just thinking about it right now is giving me ghost-notes.

    Migraines – I friend of mine gets them bad badly. She has even been admitted to hospital with them. Her doctor finally had her try botox (it’s covered by health care here) and it works really well for her. She gets a shot every three months and has said that she still gets the aura but not the headache. You could think about trying it if your headaches are raising hell. (To me, a three day headache sounds awful.)

    A song that’s part of my inner mixtape – in a good way – probably “Rikki Don’t Lose that Number” by Steely Dan. I heard it yesterday for the first time in a long while and it raised lots of good little vignettes – quite nostalgic.

    Good post. ๐Ÿ™‚

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    1. Thank you for sharing ๐Ÿ™‚

      I love the OITNB theme, very catchy and definitely the kind which gets stuck in the head!

      I’m lucky when it comes to migraines, they’re not as bad as some people get them, I can usually get away with just using over the counter anti-inflammatories to manage them (as it’s basically an inflammation of the brain), fresh ginger for the nausea, avoid computer screens or any artificial light which stabs you in the eyes, stay cool as cold as possible without freezing (which is difficult as the weather atm is gloriously sunny and hot), and I only get them once a month as they’re hormonal ones. This one did decide to settle in for the 3 day tour. The worst of it is over, mostly now it’s just a dull throb around an old head wound. It’s weird how we get used to our regular pains and coping with them.

      It’s also weird how certain songs follow you, you hear it once and suddenly it’s everywhere. With a popular hit it makes sense, but with an olde it can be freaky.

      My partner was telling me the other day about this thing called ASMR (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autonomous_sensory_meridian_response) which are sounds that make you experience physical tingling and euphoria. ๐Ÿ™‚

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      1. Thanks for the link – an interesting read. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’ve experienced that fairly frequently – music that gives me goosebumpy prickles or makes the hair on the back of my neck rise. It’s usually because I have some sort of emotional connection.

        My OITNB earworm is gone now, thankfully. It was a particularly entrenched one and I’ve been very careful to not listen to that opening theme again.

        I’m glad to hear that you’re not an extreme migraine sufferer. I’ve never had one but I’ve known several people who get them to varying degrees. They sound awful. And your description – a dull throb around an old head wound – gave me the prickles, just like certain songs can.

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  2. Hi I have pisces in ยฐ24’41 in house 5.
    I can see the good and the bad in people.
    Im also always very in tune with everybody who lives with me.
    But.. something happened to me months ago.
    I met my cousin I didnt grew up with, hรจ was in need of help. He’s been in prison and wanted to start over.
    Our feelings grew stronger, explosive and intense.
    With my sun and chiron in 7th house taurus and my NN in cancer 9th house. My moon in libra. My Venus in aries 5th house. My 8th house is gemini.
    In the prรฉsence of him I became aware of many things! Conscious and unconscious. So weird..
    His sun is in cancer 10th house, moon in cancer 9th house. His NN in 1st house in libra conjunct pluto.
    His mars is in his 8th house taurus. His venus in gemini 8th house.

    First I felt uncomfortable in his prรฉsence, very Electric and dominating. It went bad a few times to the point hรจ did hurt me and wanted to strangle me.
    When I did a chart on us we have sun in gemini 8th house. Pisces in 5th house and lilith. Venus in taurus 7th house and mars in cancer 9th house.
    In the beginning we felt like Magnets and twinsouls. Both reflecting eachothers problems in truth.
    When hรจ said I will never drop you and im here to make you happy, I felt uncomfortable.. hรจ is my cousin! Family members warned me because they think bad about him but I also see the good in him. He’s so sensitive and misunderstood. We shared many laughters especially around the house with my kids and emotions, heart to heart talk.
    Now im not into dept of astrology but is it possible he’s my twinflame? I now pisces can be deceiving as well. But we sense eachother even miles apart, I could even tell if hรจ farted or not.
    My time of birth is 20:25 born helmond-netherlands 4th of May 1982.
    His 13:20 born helmond- netherlands 15 july 1977.
    It’s also confusing to me and don’t really know what to do with these feelings..
    Can somebody please shine a light on it?
    Are we meant to mirror and move on or is it our purpose to actually be together?

    Thank you in advance.

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    1. Thank you for sharing ๐Ÿ™‚

      More than once you’ve said that he’s made you feel “uncomfortable” – that sounds like your intuition and you should listen to it.

      While it’s wonderful to meet someone with whom you really get along, and it’s great to be able to see the good in people, and to see beyond the judgments others have made about a person (although you should probably investigate why they have made those judgments), it’s also important to not dismiss the bad in favour of the good. The fact that he hurt you and wanted to strangle you is not something to ignore. Even if he is a twinflame that does not mean he can’t be abusive.

      If what you’re looking for is astrological input, I recommend putting your question to an astrologer or an astrology forum.

      The forum on Astrodienst is supposed to be very good – https://forum.astro.com/cgi/forum.cgi?&lang=h

      The forum on Elsa Elsa is also supposed to be good, and the astrologer who runs it interacts regularly, and you can ask questions directly of her – https://www.elsaelsa.com/forum/

      Take good care of yourself!

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  3. Loved this one miles behind on your posts but I will catch up one day on them all. ok two things. On songs stuck in the head.A couple of weeks back driving up da M1 a record from Elton John sacrifice came on I,m not really a fan of his and my hearing has always been dreadful so the lyrics never mean much to me but the overall haunting sound just kept replaying over and over…..so on to you tube for lyrics and play this song over and over even playing it when I.m on my running machine. The lyrics are ok I get the gist of what its about I,d just like to change some of the words then you wrote your blog which somehow related to this song because I had changed the lyrics around to make more sense to me. Anyways just thought Id mention that. The second bit just lately because of all the awful stuff going on in this planet. I just want to leave hand in my notice and apply for a transfer to some other planet that I more suited to don,t wanna die or owt like that just be somewhere away from all this horrible stuff…the other day I was in a shop trying to buy some special bread the assistant said sorry we have,nt got any- I,m afraid I thought yeh so am I ……last your right about the pisces stuff those dudes are survivors,
    best wishes and much thanks for something to read

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    1. Thank you for sharing ๐Ÿ™‚

      One of the things I associate with Elton John is not being able to understand what he’s saying when he sings and ending up hearing something very different from the lyrics.

      The lyrics and the music of songs can be poetic, the kind of poetry which speaks the language of the soul, the psyche, a part which doesn’t normally use words. I recently watched a documentary about Jerry Garcia – Long Strange Trip – it’s an intriguing look at music, at people, at the inner philosophies we have about life and living, as well as the history of recent decades, the times which gave birth to these times we are in now.

      If you explore the history of the world, it shows that there has always been awful stuff going on in this planet, the big difference now is the world wide web which connects us all to everyone, everything, everywhere. While this can be a positive force, it can also have a negative effect. The internet amplifies and spreads the grief, the anger, the fear. Alone in the silence of a room in the middle of nowhere you can hear the screaming and shouting of millions of people just by going online. In an instant, at the click of a button, we’re flooded with masses of information, real and fake news, gossip, rumour, propaganda, etc, storms of thoughts and emotions gathering and bursting out of a flickering screen (whose flickering we no longer see). It can be overwhelming, and there are many people wishing that there were ships able to take them to another planet, somewhere quiet, peaceful, and away from it all…

      But there’s a lot of good stuff that also happens on this planet, it’s just sometimes drowned out by the awful stuff… it’s still there underneath all the screaming and shouting. Beautiful whispers…

      Liked by 1 person

  4. 29* Pisces is the last degree of the Zodiac and is quite interesting. It is called Scheat often for a not so good reason. It is in the left shoulder pf the constellation Pegasus so you have the Centaur theme of Chiron here magnified. Marina at Darkstarastrology has some good info on Scheat.
    We had a solar eclipse on Scheat @March 20 2015. From October 2014 I was predicting we would have storms and flooding down the East coast here which we did. And a big cyclone. Scheat is famous for impacting the weather in this way.
    It is possible that the solar eclipse on your wound highlighted it for you around this time.
    Pegasus was born from the Medusa’s decapitated head, so perhaps you received your wound at birth via a mother who was not fully present?
    Those Greek myths didn’t pull any punches!
    Towards the end of this year with Saturn returning to form a close square with your Chiron return,it will again highlight your wound. You gotta love astrology for at least giving you a heads up for when Scheat happens!

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    1. Thank you for sharing ๐Ÿ™‚

      Haha! I see what you did there! Yup, Scheat is conjunct my Chiron and NN in the 7th.

      I have dipped my toes into the fixed stars in astrology, but the interpretations can be so doom-laden, transporting me to a time when everything was an omen of something awful, that I tend to quickly remove my toes and run away ๐Ÿ˜‰

      I do love the mythology though! They’re wonderful cautionary tales about life, containing so much wisdom and capturing the madness of humans. As a child I devoured the stories. I used to have a crush on the Cyclops… not sure why, perhaps because he was misunderstood. While I found the heroes and their journeys interesting they struck me as being rather callous, traveling around killing off all these ancient beasts and beings to get some treasure or kudos.

      I checked out Dark Star Astrology’s Scheat page about the 2015 eclipse, it’s an awesome read, lots to cogitate, and I’ve been looking up info on Scheat since you mentioned it.

      One thought which occurred to me was that since it’s in my 7th – the themes connected to it tend to be played out by certain types of others in my life. It ties in with some of the theories I have about my Aries NN/Pisces Chiron there. Eg. I sometimes attract aggressive (Aries) victims (Pisces) who are drowning in their drama and whose drama spills out of them and drowns me/drowns me out (Scheat in Pisces), both my parents were like that. Like Sirens their song/cries for help are actually luring you onto the rocks. Luckily they’re not the only types I attract – so somewhere in my chart there’s a balance to the Scheat/NN/Chiron challenge (there’s always a Yin to the Yang and vice versa in astrology).

      Another thought I had… is a bit complicated to explain because I tend to think in images and impressions rather than words, and translating those into words often ends up with a stream of nonsense… the simplest way to put is that Scheat may represent my past lives, the ones whose karma I am working through in this life. It shows the cycle which needs to be broken.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are right that most of the fixed stars old meanings are quite dark and scary. Obviously they are not all that bad.
        I am thinking that with Chiron being the wounded Healer conjunct your north node 7th, that you are probably drawn to try and help people heal from their wounds. In these relationships you are also learning and healing yourself.
        There is maybe some sort of mirror symbolism there somewhere that if we have a healthy respect and understanding of ourselves then we will only be interested in healthy relationships? I totally understand that having grown up in a narcissistic environment though we have to learn how to make self respect for ourselves.
        Talk about Greek tragedies, I’ve often felt like I was starring in my own myth!
        I’ve been working on a hunch for some time now that the asteroid Psyche no. 16 is a strong indicator of growing up feeling abandoned in families, but I’m only an astro dabbler and not too smart like the proper ones!
        Back to your point, I think you are are right re: attracting karmic relationships and that it’s not until we start to heal ourselves that we perhaps develop some immunity here.
        I always believe that it all starts with self awareness, but that coming from a narcissistic background puts us way behind the 8 ball, but we get there in the end.
        I think that transitting Saturn square Chiron has been bringing up a lot of wounding issues for many people and brought about major change. I am expecting to hear of big storms and floods too.
        Cheers!

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        1. I think that there are certain aspects of growing up in a narcissistic family which can be beneficial in a round-a-bout manner (often the benefits only become apparent much later in life).

          For instance if as a child of narcissists you can’t rely on others for a healthy sense of self, or nurturing, or anything really (except abuse, neglect, etc), because the narcissists are completely wrapped up in themselves and you’re viewed and used as an extension of them, and made to see yourself as a servant of their needs, there to help everyone else but yourself (which can make you prone to thinking your purpose in life is to be a ‘fixer’ of others)… as you pointed out, you have to give yourself all the things which those who grow up in non-narcissistic families get from others, so you become self-reliant often in a very weird way (at least ‘weird’ when seen from the perspective of what society has decided is ‘normal’).

          Things like teaching yourself how to have self-respect… are done from scratch, learning as you go, dabbling until the dabbler becomes far more than that but they may never see themselves as being the expert they’ve become through dabbling because they don’t need to see themselves that way (and making a claim like that, that you know something, can draw the sort of attention which is often best avoided). Doing something from scratch can ultimately be better than getting it handed to you already made, especially when it comes to the self and self-related matters. It gives you a quiet confidence.

          That self-reliance can lead to a healthy approach to relationships because others are not sought out for what they can give you as you give yourself what you need, you don’t look to others for ego boosts, self-esteem, to fill a hole, to support your structures of self, etc. You don’t want to do to others what was done to you by the narcissists in your life, and because that was done to you you also have found ways to do for yourself that which others are told comes from others. You fill your own empty, and thus you don’t need to take from anyone else – which can cause issues too, but that’s another story- and so you get to experience others as a whole, not as spare parts you need to fix yourself.

          Or something like that…

          I think transiting Saturn square Chiron wants us to own our wounds – Saturn makes us ‘own’ what’s ours and stop fobbing things off onto others, or stop chasing what isn’t ours because it looks better than what is ours, which is probably why it never gets invited to parties and makes people groan when it turns up. If we own our wounds then we can focus on owning our healing too rather than thinking it will come from elsewhere, waiting for a knight in shining armor to save us or a fairy godmother to wave it away with a wand. It says look at your wound, figure out what it really is, and then get the healing which is held within it, then pass it on by the way that you are – live your truth.

          But Saturn does have a sense of humour and it’s often of the – Laughing at someone else for tripping and then tripping yourself (and getting mad at anyone who laughs and wishing karma would pay them back for you) – kind.

          In some ways those of us who grew up with narcissists are ahead of those who didn’t but who are now becoming aware of narcissists through other kinds of relationships, it’s like all of society is in a narcissistic phase and is going through a quickening before we move on to the next phase of our development.

          We’re definitely living in those interesting times…

          Liked by 2 people

          1. I totally agree with you! I have learnt a lot from reading your eloquent knowledge on living with narcissists. I never thought of it that way of having to teach ourselves the basics has now perhaps put us a bit ahead of the pack. My parents literally taught me nothing and I owned nothing except an enquiring wounded mind.
            We had to teach ourselves how to read life much like dyslexocs have to get a basics on reading.
            Maybe that is why I can sniff out and read all sorts of different info?
            No one invites Saturn to parties made me laugh! I’m kind of picturing those screaming goats..now they’re hilarious!
            Back to your Scheat Chiron, north node 7th. house. It is very interesting.
            A bit topsy turvy as you just outlined above.
            You have south node, past lives, in libra, relationships, 1st house of Self. It shows you have probably sublimated yourself as so many of us have, bowing to the relationship.
            This life time, north node, you must assert your Self and acquire more independence, Aries in 7th house of relationships!
            It shows your Destiny, north node is tied in with teaching/ healing others. Chiron, through your personal experiences and studies.
            I have no doubt you are a good teacher/ healer.

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            1. Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚

              I think we’re all teachers/healers in our own way (that includes narcissists – Castaneda in one of his books mentions the value of the ‘petty tyrant’ as a teacher), with the real teaching and healing coming from our underlayers more than from the conscious surface as often the things which grow us, release us, relieve and move us on, aren’t the ones we think will do so.

              With my 1st/7th house combinations I think what’s most relevant for me to learn is balance – so yes I do need to learn to be self-assertive but that self assertion must not impinge on others, respect for the self is tied in with respect for others. The ideal self assertion doesn’t take away from the self of others but asserts both your self and their self.

              If I want my boundaries respected then I must respect the boundaries of others (whether I agree with them or not, regardless of my judgments about them and theirs). Those with a 7th house Chiron can lack boundaries both ways (this is definitely the case when in Pisces), allowing themselves to be invaded but also being invasive (especially when they’re on a ‘healing the world’ quest). One of the things I noticed early on when I was into New Age, spiritual teachings and personal improvement stuff was what I call ‘initiate’s disease’, when you find something that heals you and think it’s da bomb and decide that everyone must now follow this way to heal themselves, and you can get aggressive about forcing the healing which has worked for you on everyone else (which can actually be more harmful than whatever was there before) whether they want or need it or not, whether they’ve asked for your help or not.

              I think my combo of NN/Chiron in 7th opposite Pluto/Uranus in 1st (and Jupiter in the 2nd – thus personal values are tied into it) is about being myself as I am, warts and all, openly sharing that as it is, as it happens, etc, and others will find what they need to heal, to learn, etc, rather than me trying to decide what the teaching/healing is that I’m bringing to the mix and deliberately attempting to be a teacher/healer (which is can be an arrogant position), after all that’s how I get my teaching/healing from others, from them sharing themselves, who they are, as they are, as they happen, with me.

              I have learned a lot from blogging, particularly through interacting with others – you’ve given me as much, maybe more, than I give ๐Ÿ™‚

              Trust your self, every path you take, every thing you investigate, leads you to what you need, even the smallest seemingly insignificant detail… sometimes those have the largest impact, you are both the adventure and the adventurer!

              Liked by 1 person

  5. Share a song or an ear worm….I’ll go with the song, it sounds like your inner juke box is pretty full and doesn’t need more ear worms in it. ๐Ÿ™‚
    I’ve done blogs about “Songs of My Life” or “The Soundtrack of My Life” and you can go to my blog and see them there if you want. Today, however, one in particular has come around…”Pieces of April” by Three Dog Night. That one is poignant for me, as is “Til The World Ends” (this last one almost always makes me cry). Lovely blog post of yours here, as usual. I’m interested too in what the degree of Pisces is? I’m a Pisces and found that interpretation interesting. My birthdate is February 26th, my birth time is 8 a.m. (If you need the year too, please contact me at my email, I don’t like giving out too much real time information on the web. I’ve encountered the trolls that live in it..) Thanks ! ๐Ÿ˜€

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    1. Thank you for sharing ๐Ÿ™‚

      Music is often connected to Pisces, and since Neptune (Pisces’ ruling planet) and Chiron are both transiting Pisces atm, the music within and outside can be deeply healing for a Piscean ๐Ÿ™‚

      The zodiac is a 360 degree circle, and each of the 12 signs covers a 30 degree section. When a planet travels through a sign it moves from one degree to another and these degrees are used, amongst other things, to calculate aspects between planets. Certain degrees within the 30 degree segment of each sign are considered particularly significant, such as the first and last degrees of each sign as these are the beginning and end, before and after a ‘cusp’, the threshold between signs, is crossed.

      Quite a few astrology sites have a widget which shows the current positions of the planets, next to the symbol which shows what sign the planet is transiting there are numbers which denote the degree – the exact position the planet is in a sign atm.

      The Sun travels about one degree a day. If you were born on Feb 26, your Pisces Sun will be at about 7 degrees in Pisces (it will vary).

      You can generate a natal chart for yourself using the free and easy to use software on Astrodienst – http://www.astro.com/ – go to the Free Horoscopes section, scroll down to Horoscope Chart Drawings, click on Chart Drawing, Ascendant and it will take you to a dialogue page – click on the link under the For Guest Users, this will open a form, input your birth data into the form – for an exact chart with the correct degrees you need your birth time, click continue and it will generate a natal chart with the degrees for all your planets.

      There’s a fun and rather poetic system known as the Sabian Symbols which gives a meaning to each degree of a sign. If your Pisces Sun is at 7 and something degree Pisces, you round up to 8 degree for the Sabian Symbol and get – A Girl Blowing a Bugle (click here for a full description – https://sabiansymbols.com/the-sun-and-neptune-on-pisces-8-a-girl-blowing-a-bugle/ – from one of my fav Sabian Symbol sites).

      There are many variations and avenues to explore in astrology, it’s easy to get lost but it is also a way to find something if you let your intuition guide you.

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