Headaches and Heartaches

The other day I had a song stuck on repeat in my head, it had been used briefly in a TV show I was watching the night before, but it didn’t start haunting me until the following day.

As far as songs which get stuck in the head go, this one was one of the better ones…

I have an internal mixtape which contains some truly bizarre tunes, Japanese nursery rhymes, Italian folk songs, French 80’s pop, opera arias, crooner classics, calypso, blues, rap, punk, advert jingles, video game tracks, and Old Uncle Tom Cobley et al…

some of which I’m not really sure how they got in there, the mind is a collector of random stuff and doesn’t let go easily once it’s taken hold, and others which I know why they’re part of my inner soundtrack, they struck a chord with me, hit a spot at a certain time, expressed a feeling or thought which I couldn’t do for myself, were needed to solve a puzzle, heal a wound, and I listened to them over and over until they lodged firmly in my pink labyrinth…

some I loved then and then no longer loved, but it’s too late to weed them out…

others, like this song, I still love, particularly the chorus, the lilt in the voice of the singer, and the passion flowing throughout.

I’m not going to share the song with you, as the first rule of song stuck in head syndrome is don’t share it even though the virus wants you to infect as many as possible, but I will give you a couple of hints if your curiosity needs satisfaction…

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by Dave Coverly

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The lyrics of the song discuss the effects of conflict, and speak of how an outer conflict can sink into you and play out inside, fighting in your head.

I was thinking about this because today I was reminded of another song… this one isn’t stuck in my head (yet), but I did play it over and over a long time ago when I was suffering from the intense heartache of being a teenager. It was a popular hit which spoke of the pain which inspires the pained to want to become heartless…

and during that period of my life I really desired to be without a heart… everything hurt deeply and the hurt was never-ending, just when you recovered from one stab, and began to think that maybe life… another stab would hit you where it hurts… over and over, pain and more pain…

Why do we do this to ourselves, why do we do it to others, why do others do it to us, why do others do it to themselves… and yes, those are answers as well as questions.

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excerpt via Fourbythreemagazine: The Stranger, the Saint, and Grief’s Goodness by Michael Cholbi

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What brought this to mind was…

several things seemingly disparate…

there’s so much political and social unrest at the moment… this moment has been years of grief, anger, fear, gaining momentum, building up, breaking down… certain aspects of what’s going on now around the world are similar to what was going on around the world (and at home) when I was a teenager.

I recall at one point trying to figure out where in the world I could go to feel safe…

or to survive the global nuclear war which was always looming overhead… eventually, after watching all the films they kept making at the time about post-apocalypse Earth (yup, they made those then too), I decided it was probably better to perish.

But I didn’t want to perish even when I did…

I just wanted the pain to stop, but since I couldn’t stop, control, the inflictors of pain from doing their thing, I needed to stop, control, myself from being hurt by their actions, deeds, words… I wanted to harden my heart against the blows inflicted upon it, so that it would break the knives others plunged into it before they hit their target, even though hardening my heart put me at risk of becoming like those who hurt me…

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I never figured out how to harden my heart…

after analysing all the work involved required to achieve that ideal, goal, dream… it seemed more trouble than it was worth… the loss was greater than the gain… or maybe I’m a lazy person productive only in excuses.

But researching such a task made me understand that the pain others inflict upon us is the pain they are feeling, and the pain they are feeling is the pain I am feeling, that we’re overflowing with it, washed away by it, and drowning in it…

Astrologically this could be explained by Chiron, the wounded healer, transiting the late degrees of Pisces…

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excerpt via milkywayastrology: Planets in Late Degrees – What Do They Mean?

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I have this placement natally, at the 29th degree… which is considered the end of a cycle, where the pressure intensifies, builds up, for a final release.

Soon I will experience a Chiron return – Transiting Chiron will be in the exact position it was when I was born, revisiting old territory to perhaps find out if I’ve learned anything, if I’ve delved into the wound to find healing, if I’ve passed on healing or hurting (Pisces is a sign which represents the collective, the collective unconscious, the ocean of us), if I’m all headaches and heartaches or…

I do have a headache today, it was the beginning of a migraine but I think I caught it before it settled in for a three-day tour of my brain… and I did experience heartache earlier, but it was mild, a slight pang stirring up a heavy sigh and a foggy memory, still lingering because it is not sure what to do with itself…

in other words, I’m just a human having a human being human day…

and soon I will have to go to a social gathering, where I will forget myself and my story for awhile to make room for others and their stories… listening to the songs which are a part of their inner mixtapes.

Care to share one of yours, and what it means for you?

 

 

 

 

 

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