This post is part-astrology and part-not-astrology, it’s part-about-Narcissists and part-not-about-Narcissists, but it is all about me… or is it?
Have you ever considered the conundrum of – What’s your individual role in the community, in humanity, in the evolution of the human species?
Have you recently participated in #MeToo, or have you wanted to but the habit of staying silent, of not speaking out, of being afraid of what would happen to you if you dare to ‘rock the boat’ is a hard habit to break…
maybe you did rock the boat years ago and found out the painful way why you just don’t do it, and you can empathise with those who are refusing to participate even though it’s supposed to be ‘safe’ now to do it…
right now you might get criticised for not rocking the boat, and perhaps even shamed by the community known as social media as some actresses are who have not shared their own Harvey Weinstein story have been shamed. The shamers are convinced that these actresses have one and must tell it now because rocking the boat is what everyone has decided we as a collective must do…
just as we as a collective also decided before all of this that we must all do our part in maintaining stability by not rocking the boat, that we must keep up appearances, say everything is fine, and shut up about dirty little secrets no one wants to hear about because it makes things uncomfortable…
what will happen when the #MeToo movement loses momentum, steam, when people get #MeToo story fatigue – as one person said in a comment on a news post “I just can’t read anymore of these stories…”
To be fair to that person who can’t read anymore of these stories, the magnitude of what is coming out is overwhelming, the speed with which it is all coming out is like a flash flood, and it is triggering all sorts of internal and external chaos.
What is happening now is both magnificent and awful, thrilling and terrifying…
I bow with respect to those who are sharing their #MeToo stories, including those who are sharing their stories of having aided and abetted the abusers in the silencing of victims of abuse – as Scott Rosenberg recently did – he too was too afraid to speak out. It’s not an excuse, it’s part of the story, and we need to hear people like him out too if we really want to change the pattern.
I refuse to disrespect those who have chosen to remain silent, they are not ready to share their story and pressuring them to speak out, to name names, is similar to pressuring them to stay silent, and not name names.
If we want a better world, we need to recognise our individual part in the whole, we need to go deep and look at our own shadow.
As one astrologer pointed out (Harvey Weinstein – the astrology of sex and power by Lynn Hayes), this zeitgeist occurred just as Jupiter moved from Libra into Scorpio.
Scorpio is associated with secrets, as well as sex, death, and power. It’s ruling planets are Mars (god of War) and Pluto (god of the Underworld).
Jupiter has a reputation in astrology for amplifying what it touches, for making things BIGGER.
Jupiter (also known as Zeus) in mythology is the god of gods… and if you check out his story you may end up thinking that he could be considered the god of the Harvey Weinstein’s of this world.
Jupiter also has a reputation for being ‘lucky’, for bringing blessings, for offering opportunities, windfalls, lottery wins, and being an optimist who can turn lead into gold.
Which could have you thinking that Jupiter entering Scorpio might amplify the need to keep secrets, taking them to the grave with you, to use them to blackmail others, to force them into having sex with you ‘willingly’, to maintain power over others, and to be the most powerful human amongst humans, ruling with big fear, big ego, big bucks, big success.
However Scorpio is also known for being an intrepid investigative reporter who dares to go where there is a ‘Do Not Go Here’ sign in search of truth, breaking taboos, digging beneath the facade, finding the dirty little secrets and exposing them.
And Jupiter is the ruling planet of Sagittarius – a sign known for loudly blurting out with a blow horn uncomfortable, inconvenient truths.
Sometimes the things and people which have been our allies become our foes.
Sometimes the secrets which you keep to save yourself become what harms, hurts, and eventually kills you.
Just as Jupiter transited across the threshold (cusp) between Libra and Scorpio, I began blogging again about my experience of being a child of Narcissist parents.
I broke my silence a few years ago.
I had broken my silence decades before, first as a child, then as a teenager, by the time I was an adult I had learned two things:
1 – those who say “I’d rather be hurt by the truth than protected by a lie” are, more often than not, lying to you and to themselves, protecting themselves from being hurt by the truth with a lie.
Don’t point this out to them.
2 – the lunatics are running the asylum, they think and can prove with ‘facts’ that they are sane, and anyone who disagrees with them is insane and they can prove that with ‘facts’ too.
Don’t point this out to them.
I couldn’t beat them and their system, I couldn’t join them and their system, however I could do what I had been trained to do by my Narcissist parents, by Society, by History, by countless sources selling and telling it to you in one form or another, and by myself from experience – shut up and put up with it.
When the timing is right, breaking your silence can be liberating, it can offer a release from bondage, free all the puss stored up in a festering wound and allow the wound to begin its healing process…
But if the timing is wrong, it can set you back in your journey to recovery, send you deeper into hiding, confirm all your worst fears, make you give up because its all pointless, useless, the abyss swallows you up once and for all…
Please keep that in mind if you’re pressuring yourself to share a #MeToo story…
everyone else is doing it, better do it now before the opportunity disappears and people move on to something else, speak now or forever hold your peace? If you don’t speak now you’ll be one of those ‘good people who is bad because you said, did, nothing and allowed evil to triumph’…
Please keep that in mind when in your fervour to support the revolution which is happening, you end up pressuring others to share their #Me Too story which they confided to you in secrecy, trusting and entrusting you with it…
it’ll be good for you, you can finally put it to rest, rest in peace and never be haunted again, exorcise the demon who is devouring you, shame that bastard/bitch, make them pay for what they’ve made you pay for, be the hand and voice of karma, do it for yourself as if you don’t you’ll be doing to yourself again what that person did to you…
image from – tes: Peer Pressure – 3rd grade by Jessica Hogan
When I broke my silence a few years ago, the timing was right…
in my previous attempts the timing had been wrong…
when I did it a few years ago, it was just as the zeitgeist of Narcissist awareness was picking up pace…
and it was around the time that transiting Uranus in Aries (Aries = Me first!) opposed my natal Uranus (one of the midlife crisis transits). My natal Uranus is conjunct my natal Jupiter in Libra – when my Uranus gets activated, it goes off big time, like fireworks (in the insane membrane because my Uranus/Jupiter aspect my Mercury – the mind) on Guy Fawkes’ night.
Uranus is associated with freedom, with an almost maniacal lust for freedom, willing to do whatever it takes to be free and stay free, it’s the revolutionary who overthrows a dictator (and may become a dictator once the revolution is over because it’s trying to force everyone to accept its revolutionary vision for a new utopia). In mythology Uranus ends up castrated – and sometimes in astrology Uranus is connected with trauma (similarly to Chiron).
My Uranus opposes my natal Chiron (the wounded healer) and the North Node (your karma challenge), which are conjunct in the 7th house – the house of partnership, personal relationships. What does that mean? For me it basically means that if I break free when the timing is right, healing occurs for me and may also help others to heal too, but if I break free at the wrong time I’m entering a world of pain and might drag others there with me due to suction when you’re spiraling down into your personal hell.
When I first started blogging about my experience of Narcissists, or more to the point when I first started getting attention for doing it… long story short – I went off the rails a bit, it went to my head, finally it was my turn and time to dominate instead of being dominated. I tipped over the edge into Social Justice Warrior territory (someone even gave me a ‘Narcissist Slayer’ award), and became narcissistic in my stance, approach, writing. I was the ‘person fighting monsters who becomes a monster themselves’.
I caught myself in the act, it chilled me to the bone, but instead of trying to escape the discomfort, hide it from myself, pretend I was good doing good… it made me dig deep and confront shadows within. After that I started writing differently about Narcissists, looking to bridge the gap between being a child and victim of Narcissists and being narcissistic myself, seeking to understand Narcissists.
In doing that I…
may have alienated some people who may have preferred it when I was ‘slaying Narcissists’, ranting and raging at them, blaming them for everything, making it all about them and the wrong they had done, etc, and who didn’t like the fact that I was no longer sticking to the script which victims of Narcissists are supposed to stick to, but I also attracted fewer narcissistic comments. The two aren’t connected to each other other than through what the energy I was putting out there brought back to me.
found some answers which I had been searching for since what sometimes feels like the beginning of time. I got the freedom I had been wishing for since I knew how to wish and felt trapped.
The other day while working on my previous post – which I know is miles long…
with the advent of Jupiter in Scorpio my exploration of my story has expanded more than usual, and I want to get it all down in writing even if it means no one will read it.
Don’t feel ‘guilty’ about not reading my posts… I feel ‘guilty’ for writing posts which are too long and too convoluted. I wouldn’t read my posts if I didn’t have to because I’m writing them (and now I’m doing the whole ‘draft and editing’ which I rarely did before, I read and re-read, and re-re-read). I skim the long posts of others, except when I don’t…
speaking of which,
part of the title of this post – Dirty Little Secret – comes from someone else’s post which I came across while doing some ‘search for info to share’ in my previous post (my MBTI is INTP, we love to get and to give information overload),
and which reminded me of something I know I said somewhere in almost exactly the same words in a very old post of mine (no, I have no idea which one or where it is in this mess of a blog of mine) while ranting and raging about Narcissists,
something which I use as a personal ‘red flag’ not just to identify a possible Narcissist with whom I’ve gotten myself involved with, attracted, been attracted to, etc, but as a general warning that a relationship isn’t going to be a good one for me because I’m going to get frustrated… regardless of how great the other person may be.
I’ve been chatting with myself today about this frustration (as it connects to other frustrations) and it led to…
a complicated conversation with myself, a typical internal argument involving natal Mars Square natal Mercury (these two are always debating, playing devil’s advocate with each other, yet in spite of the impression that they may be working against each other, they are firm allies, sometimes practicing arguments which might happen with others or replaying old arguments with others to better navigate them should they reoccur, occasionally they find that sweet spot known as – no need to argue)…
my natal Mars is now being pinged by transiting Jupiter in advance of a conjunction (I have the pleasure and pain of having Mars in Scorpio, an arrogant manipulative intimidator at the worst of times, an inexhaustible truth detective at the middle of times, a rather brave standing alone in the face of adversity warrior at the best of times)
and including Uranus and Jupiter, Chiron and North Node. When I think, it’s a crowd of thinkers doing the thinking.
The post which started this conversation:
excerpt from – Knowing the Narcissist: Dirty Little Secret by HG Tudor
The ‘dirty little secret’ treatment is one I experienced with my mother, and it began with my conception. I have also experienced it with ‘friends’ who were similar to my mother. I have witnessed my Narcissist parents do it with others. And I have experienced the side effects of it when a version of it happened to my father in his career – this left a particularly complex impression upon me.
The ‘dirty little secret’ treatment includes ‘plagiarism’ and other forms of stealing, borrowing, from you and passing it off as theirs, then ‘copyrighting’ it because they don’t want anyone to do to them what they’ve done to you and others, they want to make sure the stolen and borrowed is now officially and legally theirs (and they could if they wanted to ‘sue’ you, turning you into the ‘guilty’ party – which is what happened to my father), and if you try to do anything about it you’ll end up wishing that you’d stayed silent, and kept their dirty little secret.
While discussing this with myself I kept coming back to the 100 Monkeys or as it is properly called – the Hundredth Monkey Effect.
There is debate as to whether this is a factual thing or not, but I wasn’t being all science is god and you have to wait until it gives you the okay (which might take awhile) before you can use it in your thinking (and you shouldn’t do it without the gloves of a degree confirming you are capable of using it). I was being more Truth, Dare and Wonder about it (still handling it without gloves).
The gist of the Hundredth Monkey Effect is that someone has an idea, shares it, does it, says it, and before you know it others are doing it, saying it, sharing it, having it – it becomes the thing to do.
Kind of like what has happened with #MeToo, and with people coming forward to tell their Harvey Weinstein close encounters of a horrible and horrifying kind stories.
It’s also kind of like what happened when someone first accused someone else of being a witch and suddenly women were being burned at the stake or having other equally terrible things done to them in the name of protecting the good from the bad. If you wanted someone else’s property, or just didn’t want someone else to have it, or didn’t like someone, was a woman being too bold, was someone a bit different, maybe they knew a dirty little secret about you, perhaps you’d confided it to them and then feared they’d tell others, it would come out and your reputation, your life would be ruined – brand them a witch and get the community to help you get rid of them, and anyone who speaks up and against what you’re doing.
We, the people, the human race, have changed, evolved, gained awareness, aren’t as crazy as our ancestors – wtf was in the water in the times of yore, we’d never do anything like that, not now, especially since we have history to teach us, remind us – never again!
Scorpio 17 from – Sabian Symbols by Lynda Hill: Oracle
We’re getting better, we are…
even when it seems like we’re not, as though history is caught in a loop, rewinding, repeating…
bit by bit, little by little…
after every seismic shift…
but we’re not at world peace level yet, there’s too much strife within each of us, too many frustrations which leak out of us, and dirty little secrets we keep hidden in silence even when it’s ‘safe’ to reveal them, and perhaps find out that what we thought was shameful… isn’t that at all.
Over to you…