doubt: Are you sure?
me: What do you mean by “Are you sure?”
Do you mean am I, as a being, sure = a safe, stable, both feet firmly planted on the ground person
Do you mean am I sure, certain, about something… perhaps something I have just said to you?
doubt: I’m not sure what I mean anymore…
me: Were you ever?
me: Were you ever, in all your long lifetime of doubting others and infecting them with your doubt, sure about your own meaning? Are you sure?
doubt: Of course, I’m sure! I’m the surest sure there is… if there is one thing for sure it’s me!
me: *looks doubtful
doubt: Please allow me to introduce myself, I’m a man of wealth and taste, I’ve been around for a long, long year, Stole many a man’s soul to waste…
me: *puts on the Guns N’ Roses version of Sympathy for the Devil
doubt: Really?? That’s the version you’re going with!? *makes a scoffing sound
me: I like that version…
doubt: Do you now, but will you later, after I’ve mocked you for liking it, dismissed your pro arguments as ignorance, condescendingly instructed you in the right way of thinking, of listening, of tasting, which is my way of thinking, listening, tasting, and my way must be right because it is mine, and your way must be wrong because it is not like mine, not of a like mind…
me: I still prefer that version even if it is considered wrong to like it, and nothing you say can change my mind…
doubt: Are you sure?
me: *tempted to return to the top and repeat… but no, as we’ll be going around in circles for ever.
doubt: Are you intransigent?
me: No. I’m open to listening to your way of listening, thinking, tasting, it is always interesting, I might discover something new, a new way of listening, thinking, tasting…
doubt: In their efforts to get rid of me, people go to great lengths. That’s what I rely upon, as their determination to be sure, certain, confident in their position and statements creates more doubts, not for them but for others as they fight against others whom they see as the doubting-diseased, their sure-footing stomps on anyone who questions them trying to impose their fixed view on everyone to make it so, their ever-narrowing mind closes everyone out until all they see is nothing, and their blindness spreads far and wide as more people join in the debate, each person determined to find a rock they can cling to and bash others senseless with…
me: Your grammar is a bit off there…
doubt: I know, isn’t it delicious. Have you ever watched someone having an apoplectic fit because of a typo, you’d think a sinkhole had opened up in the ground and had swallowed their home, family, savings, and was about to suck them in too. They think they’re saving the world by correcting one typo at a time wherever they see it, eradicating the stupid with intelligence, but instead they’re spreading doubt, making others afraid of sharing a view, thought, feeling in case they misspell it, are misunderstood, are attacked, are annihilated.
doubt: But I’m not as bad as people are convinced that I am. I actually serve a vital purpose, and once a person gets over their fearful hatred of me, which is hard for them to do because it makes them feel forceful, they get stuck in it, it becomes an uncomfortable comfort zone, becomes a fortress which in turn becomes a prison, but if they were to open their force field and step outside for a moment… they can access the skills which I teach.
me: What are those skills?
doubt: You sound doubtful…
me: I’m not full of doubt, just curious…
doubt: What does doubt make you do?
me: Umm… let me think about it for a minute…
doubt: Exactly! I make you think about it, about yourself. I make you question what you think you know.
me: And that’s a good thing?
doubt: Yes. For instance, if you think you know that you’re ugly – Are you sure about that?
me: I just have to look in the mirror…
doubt: A mirror is an unbiased and impartial observer of reality is it?
me: Yes, it’s a thing, it doesn’t judge.
doubt: But what about the person looking in the mirror, are they a thing which does not judge?
me: Oh… I see…
doubt: Indeed. And who taught you what to see when you look in the mirror?
doubt: Pfft! Before your eyes looked upon yourself, there were other eyes looking at you and telling you what they saw, and those eyes taught your eyes what to see, how to see yourself.
me: Come to think of it, when I look in the mirror I do find it hard not to see myself through the eyes of others.
doubt: Do you know what you actually look like, if you were to see yourself without any thought to cloud your view, without the memories of what others have told you about yourself, without knowing what you are supposed to look like, without bias, without a subjective perspective, without any filters added by your family, friends, frenemies, enemies, social circle, neighbours, community, culture, society, by fashion which is fickle and may suggest that you cut off a toe to fit perfectly in its glass shoe, by scientists and other professionals who study and measure beauty with rulers, microscopes and machines, dissecting it into components all of which a surgeon can alter with a sharp knife after a sharp tongue has sliced you up in preparation and you’ve anaesthetised yourself to the pain by telling yourself no pain no gain, no guts no glory…
me: You’re losing me, I’m getting confused…
doubt: Exactly! It’s easy to get lost in the confusion, to lose yourself in the crowd of voices all telling you who you are, who you aren’t, who you should be, who you shouldn’t be, what you must do, what you musn’t do… and what about them, these bastions of knowing it all?
me: What about them?
doubt: All these people who have made themselves experts of your ugliness, are they beautiful?
doubt: How do you know, how can you be certain, how can you be sure… that what they are telling you is right?
doubt: Because they told you they were right? Because they made themselves the kings and queens of everything, of anything, of you?
me: *reminded of another song
doubt: One of my cousins helped her write that song, you know…
me: Shut up!
me: Get out of here!
doubt: I introduced them, she had to go through me to get to her.
me: Go away…
doubt: Are you sure?
And over to you!
Do you have the strange gift of self-doubt?
What has having this skill taught you?
And who has doubt introduced you to?
Optional reading: a great post – A little into myself by sparksfromacombustiblemind – and I’m not just saying that because my blog gets a nod and a mention, but thank you very much, Embeecee, for sharing 🙂