Fourteen

I was just checking up on the news, and spotted an article about #MeAt14: Raising awareness around the age of consent

I don’t have any photos of me at 14.

I got rid of all photographs of myself during a phase I was going through when I was in my early 20’s. Occasionally I regret doing that, like now, but mainly I don’t.

When I was 14 would I have considered dating a 32 year old man?

I did have a couple of crushes on much older than me male actors (who may have been 32 years old) – not so much on them as people (and in those days we didn’t know much about actors’ private lives), but on the characters they played in a film or TV show which appealed to me.

I did have a couple of crushes on much older than me male musicians (who may have been 32 years old) – not so much on them as people (and in those days we didn’t know much about musicians private lives), but on their music, on their songs which spoke to me about being me, being human.

.

.

I sometimes would fantasise about dating them, but in my 14 year old mind ‘dating’ meant something different to what it would mean to a 32 year old.

My fantasies weren’t sexual, at least not adult sexual.

And I knew what adult sexual was when I was 14 because I lived in Europe and had watched a couple of films on TV which I probably shouldn’t have watched.

One of those films was – The Story of O – (I think my parents had that on video) and I did not want to do any of that as a 14 year old. Frankly I still didn’t want to do any of that as a 32 year old, because it’s mostly about S & M and I’m not into that from either the sadist or the masochist side.

I grew up with parents who were Narcissists and it’s a fairly sadistic and masochistic experience without the sex – it gets tiresome, like hell gets tiresome once you’ve been there all your life which feels more like several lifetimes of eternity. I did not want that kind of relationship with anyone else.

I did have my first proper boyfriend at 14.

He was 2 years older than me, and he seemed far older than 16 years old to me, because from the vantage point of 14 years old, 16 years old is almost grown up.

I was rather impressed that a 16 year old would find me interesting. I was so awkward, ugly, immature compared to the 16 year old girls who seemed so mature, beautiful, sexy, and so on.

I had my first real kiss with that 16 year old boyfriend. I thought I made a mess of it (I didn’t want to use tongues, because yuk) and was certain he would decide that dating me was a bad idea – I was just too young and inexperienced.

But he seemed to like me.

We kissed some more and made out a little bit (he touched my almost but not quite yet tits – giggle, weird!) later on in our dating experience.

I even wanted to lose my virginity to him.

I sort of wanted to get rid of my virginity because sometimes it felt as though it was preventing me from growing up.

And at 14 I wanted to grow up and grow up fast, I wanted to be an adult because I was fed up of being treated like a child.

I wasn’t a child! But I was… my view of growing up and being an adult was definitely that of a child. I just didn’t know it, because in my 14 year old mind I was not a child anymore.

I dressed provocatively. Although nowadays it would most likely not be considered provocative. Flashdance, the film, had just come out and was a big inspiration – I wore skin tight jeans and ripped T-shirts, with heels (of only about an inch or two max in height), and sometimes wore mini-skirts which were too tight and short (and got sent home from school for it, told to change into something less revealing).

I wore too much make up – loved red lipstick!

But did it make me look older than the age that I was, enough to fool a grown adult man into thinking that I wasn’t underage?

And after spending a few minutes getting to know me, would an older adult man not realise from my conversation that I wasn’t age appropriate for him?

I did sometimes get mistaken for being older than I was. But as one adult male pointed out (to my mother) – she may look older than her age but her hands give her away as being young. So an adult can spot the signs that you’re not as old as you look if they look for them.

An adult could also ask you how old you are… but teens aren’t always truthful, especially about their age. The way they’re not truthful about their age would probably give them away to someone who wanted to see, hear, and know the truth.

Would I have dated a 32 year old man had the opportunity to do so presented itself to me when I was 14 years old?

I’m fairly certain that I’d have scrunched up my face, said – Ewww, he’s old enough to be my father!

My actual father was in his 50’s, he often looked younger than his age, and regularly behaved as though he was a toddler. He wasn’t interested in teenagers – he ignored me and my girlfriends, even though some of my girlfriends were very beautiful. He was an artist and had many nubile models, and young women did chase after him to have their portrait painted and to be his muse. He painted many of them, and did sleep with many of them, but they were always well into the age of consent and he wasn’t interested in those who didn’t consent to sleep with him.

He could be and was an asshole, but he managed to avoid being a creep and pervert.

Would I have dated a 32 year old man had the opportunity to do so presented itself to me when I was 14 years old, and the 32 year old man had been one of my actor or musician crushes?

That would have been tempting… for a 14 year old’s insecure ego, but that insecure ego would have probably said – No, I hate you, go away!

I often ignored those I found attractive, or behaved really awkwardly around them – just like a typical 14 year old.

That’s my memory of #MeAt14

Over to you…

11 comments

  1. your upbringing was dire some people’s idea of parenthood are truly shocking, Back to the fourteen year old if I was the thirty two year old and thought for one moment you had a crush on me awkwardly or not I would have ran for my life!!!!

    Like

    • Thank you for sharing 🙂

      Now, you see that’s a healthy reaction!

      I may have had rather awful parents, but they had their not so awful moments, and those tended to stand out. My mother was always warning me about creeps and perverts, and all the horrors which could happen to young girls and women, and my father gave me some instruction in being firm, bold and standing up for myself should I encounter a creep or a pervert.

      Mostly men don’t tend to mess with me, and didn’t when I was a teenager. It’s women I tend to have problems with, but only the ones who think you should let them get away with stuff because they’re a female and so are you.

      Like

  2. I was completely creeped out by this even though I could see that he was handsome and well put together. I sensed that he thought I should be flattered by his attention and I also realised that he wasn’t really serious – it wouldn’t have gone further. But still, when I got older and saw that someone who does that (he kissed me on the lips and patted my behind) with a 14 -year old, when her parents are standing nearby is really quite a piece of work. After that, I didn’t have much interest in men who were the real “lookers”.

    I suppose it’s possible for a 32 – year old to mistake a 14 – year old for an 18 – year old, but it’s certainly not probable. There would have to be a serious lack of attention to detail. And maybe that’s the point – they don’t want to notice what they don’t want to notice.

    Like

    • Thank you for sharing 🙂

      Your story of being hit upon by a 30 years man right next to your parents when you were 14 reminds me of the story which Richard Dreyfuss’ son recently told as a #MeToo about being hit upon by Kevin Spacey when he was with his father in Spacey’s flat. His father apparently noticed nothing while his son was being sexually harassed by Spacey. He said that he brushed the story off for many years and in retrospect he got angry because Spacey did this in front of Richard Dreyfuss and knew that the son wouldn’t say anything to his father because he didn’t want to create an issue as Spacey and Dreyfuss were working on a theatre show together.

      What that 30 year old did to your 14 year old self was sexual assault – he kissed you and patted your behind. On top of that he made the whole thing seem like ‘a bit of not-serious fun’ which you should be flattered about. He was definitely a ‘piece of work’ (that’s very polite of you to say it that way), and there’s no way your 14 year old self would have known how to deal with it – she/you should not be the one to have to know how to deal with sleazeball scumbags like him! He should not have done that period! And he knew it! And to do it next to your parents – classic creep move, because you would have been on your best behaviour and would not have wanted to ’embarrass’ your parents or bother them since they were at a social event. I want to travel back in time and slap him or kick him in his precious. But you handled it with the grace and aplomb with which you always handle yourself, and I’m sure if he had tried to go further he’d have gotten nowhere because you’re made of adamantine.

      I think I was perhaps ‘lucky’ that most of the men in parents’ social circle were gay, and many were openly gay. It was the women who were the ‘creeps’. When I was a bit older but still a teen, one of my parents’ female friends and work associates kept trying to convince me that I was a lesbian. She never touched me and she may have just been doing it for ‘a bit of fun’ but ugh!

      When I read the book – The Gift of Fear – the thing which stood out the most was when the author stressed “you don’t have to be polite to people if they’re creeping you out”. Women get taught that one when they’re children – to be polite at all costs, don’t be rude, don’t offend. Even if the person is being rude, offensive and scaring the crap out of you with their creepy behaviour.

      Things do seem to be changing, hopefully it’ll stick.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I used to get hit on by grown men all the time when I was 14! My famius line was “im too young for you”.Boys my age were not interested in me. I was the tallest in my class in middle school, so I was a tad intimidating to them even though I hoped that a boy my age would like me. I did eventually acquire a middle school “boyfriend”. He was my first kiss, and it lasted for a couple of weeks. (He broke up with me because of racial issues. He was puertorrican and his mom said she wanted him with a puertorrican girl). I was hurt but got over it and eventually the playing field evened out for me in high school but by then I was over high school boys. But I always kept a harem of actors/musicians that I could daydream being in “relationships” with.
    In reality, at 14 i wouldn’t date a 32 yr old, I wouldn’t know what to do with him, but he would know what to do with me and that notion would have frightened me. Grown men without scruples know, they just don’t want you to know they know.

    Like

    • Thank you for sharing 🙂

      It’s confusing to be hit on when you’re 14 by much older men.

      One the one hand, for a 14 year old just blossoming into womanhood, discovering her own beauty, appeal, and feeling the impulses of sexuality, being ‘admired’ by an older man feels like a compliment, an affirmation of your attractiveness. So it can be flattering. If you’re feeling awkward, and if boys your own age are being awkward about how they feel about you, and doing all that ignoring you because they don’t want you to know that they like you, their egos can’t deal with your poise, your height, your intelligence, etc, then having someone confirm to you that you’re not awkward at all is a buzz.

      On the other hand it’s scary, creepy, intimidating, and you’re not sure what to do or how to handle it because that person is an adult and you’re still a child – who has most likely been taught and had drummed into to you by the ‘authoritarian’ adults in your life and in society that you as a child must respect adults even when what your instinct and intuition tells you to do is run, scream, slap them, tell them to get the eff away. Children are supposed to do that with strangers but what if the ‘stranger’ isn’t considered a stranger by the adults around you?

      There was a very creepy scene in Stranger Things, where the young female protagonist is on a bus, keeping to herself, and this woman on the bus starts talking with her. The girl ignores the woman. The woman gets up and sits down next to the girl and starts insisting that the girl talk to her – now in the story the woman is basically a kind-hearted stranger who wants to comfort what to her looks like a lonely and sad girl. But she’s still a stranger. And just because the girl is female and the adult stranger is female doesn’t mean the situation is ‘safe’.

      I’m very glad that you knew how to handle those adult men who hit on you – you shouldn’t have to have been the ‘adult’ in the scenario, but as you so wisely pointed out, those men knew what they were doing and chose not to know what they were doing.

      You might enjoy this post – https://miscellaneousmusingsofamiddleagedmind.wordpress.com/2017/11/13/advice-for-young-men-8-tips-for-not-being-a-sexual-predator/

      Like

      • You’re right. I did enjoy the post you shared. Especially the part about smiling. I used to get that all the time. “Smile more”, “Hey…smile”. Which I used to look at dudes like ” why are you in my face?!” and shake my head as I walked away. So annoying!! Thankfully I never had someone grab me, because first reaction would be to punch them. But then of course, I would be in the wrong smh…stupid men can be so damn stupid!

        Like

        • The “smile” thing isn’t just something which men do.

          I’ve had women do it to me.

          In fact I think I’ve had it done to me by women more often than by men. And when a woman does it to another female there’s like some unwritten rule that you’re not allowed to object to it or you’re letting the sisterhood down.

          And Narcs do that one often right after they’ve punched you in the gut with something they said, and then they’re like “Smile, why aren’t you smiling, I’m feeling great after having unleashed hell on you and your not smiling is bringing me down from my high. Smile, dammit, or else I’ll have another tantrum, give you another psychological predator punch in the gut”.

          I’ve also had more women physically touch me when I did not give permission to be touched than men. My aunt once poked me in the shoulder with her finger for about five minutes. I had told her that I did not want to discuss something and she wasn’t taking my ‘No’ for an answer. I snapped at her to stop it and she then went and told my father that I was being unreasonable and mean to her. Since he was a Narc he thought it was funny. She was also always trying to hug me, and hugging me even when I said no and struggled to get out of the hug.

          Which is worse – stupid women or stupid men?

          Like

          • I think stupid women are the worse, because, well…women should “know” other women or at least relate to them or maybe be more sympathetic because we all share, I dunno, biology lol. But personalities(and opinions) are like a**holes and every woman has one. In the case of women telling me “smile” I don’t recall it happening to me per se, but I’ve had cases of women being a**holes. I think a woman who is an a**hole is worse than one being a b**ch lol.

            Like

            • I’ve been watching a very good so far and rather stressful if you’re a child of narcissists TV series – The Sinner – which shows many variations on the theme of abuse and C-PTSD.

              The most abusive people in it thus far are the women. The main character is a woman and she kills a random person from the get go (that’s not a spoiler). Then we explore her story, and both in the past and in the present the people who attack her both openly and covertly the most are women. The men in the story aren’t much better, but a couple are.

              The TV series is based on a book written by a female author.

              I’m not going to recommend it to you since it may trigger (I’ve had quite a few moments when I wanted to turn it off and never watch it again), because of your mother and aunt. But you did watch The Babadook and there’s a certain similarity between them.

              Like

Comments are closed.