I was having a conversation yesterday evening which began in the compartment of work/business and slowly crossed lines into other compartments until it ended up in the deeply personal and intensely private (mine, not someone else’s because that’s not my boundary to cross).
At one point the person I was speaking with said something along the lines of – the problem with talking with you about anything is that you see everything as being a part of the conversation.
That wasn’t a criticism. It wasn’t a compliment either. It was an observation which was spot on.
I know that this is a problem when I have conversations with people, particularly when the people I’m talking with are used to compartmentalising themselves and life, and are used to discussing subjects with other people who are used to compartmentalising themselves and life.
My life from the start did not include compartmentalisation for me, everything blended into everything else, and everyone merged with everyone else. Business was personal. The personal was business. The private was never private, especially if it could be used for business which was personal. I wasn’t just me, I was an extension of everyone else. Who I was reflected on who others were, who others were needed me to be certain things to advance the personal agendas which were also business agendas.
I do understand the purpose and benefits of compartmentalisation, and I do try to do what others are doing…
Yes, there is a ‘but’…
BUT I suck at it.
Thus I’m going to fuck up.
BUT is my sucking at it and fucking up (gosh, I do apologise, that could be construed as being rather rude, but I’m sticking with it as I am fond of this hole I’m digging for myself, the ground is soft here and I might find a buried treasure… a time capsule containing the mementos of a person which when pieced together might tell an awesome story of an individual’s life) really such a bad thing?
Is the ‘problem’ with me really a problem or could it be a solution?
People are always saying they want more quality – but what is this ‘quality’ they want more of and are they willing to take a risk, a leap, to get it by giving it, giving more of the quality of themselves to get more of the quality of others, or do they just want someone else to do all the work and hand it to them without them having to do anything for themselves on their part?
We’re all different, right?
Are our (pronounced arr-arr like a pirate) differences what we need to get rid of because they are a problem for others (and we wouldn’t want to make others uncomfortable by being uncomfortably different) so we can be like everyone else (but isn’t ‘everyone else’ a collective term for lots of different people who are different?) and all live happily together in a yellow submarine (which is slowly turning green due to being exposed to the elements) or are they the real treasures, the real quality, which we bring to the collective community pot?
If everyone else was really all the same and we were the only different one… wouldn’t everyone else throw us off a high cliff and just be done with our anomaly?
Okay, so maybe we’re so different we’d bounce after being thrown off of a high cliff… then everyone else could shoot us through the noggin when we popped up again because everyone else is very clever and has had to kill the rare different before and they know rare differents tend to be difficult to kill but they can still be killed eventually if everyone else really wants to kill them and works together as a unit.
Perhaps they can convince the rare different to kill themselves – that’s the ultimate clean kill. No jiminy cricket conscience problems there!
At this point in one of my posts I would most likely try to explain myself, elaborate on the thinking behind what I’ve just said in this sort of intro, attempting to fill in the gaping holes which I know are there, cover the bases which are wide open for misunderstanding, share some personal anecdotes, memories stirred up by the present, connecting this and that together, making a whole (load of mess) out of random bits and pieces, and all sorts of other rambling tangential thinking feeling associations…
BUT I’m not going to do that (okay… I’ve already sort of done it anyway and will probably do a bit more).
Last night while mulling over the conversation I had had (a conversation which at one point actually managed to elicit some tears in my eyes – an event which rarely happens with me and terrified those I was with because I don’t do that, and if I am doing it the end of the world might truly be nigh…) I had a glimmer of an epiphany.
It was a tiny epiphany. Nothing to brag about. One ghost of the past was laid to rest in peace, because I finally ventured into a No Go Zone within myself (I do have my compartments but ultimately I’m aiming for being open plan even if that’s rather draughty). It’s the sort of aha moment which most likely won’t make much of an impact on anyone else… or will it?
What I am going to do it this.
If you’re reading this, and anything I said struck a note, a chord, a something for you and you would like to write it down and share it, then I’m inviting you to continue my post for me via comment.
If you would like me to NOT reply to your comment just say – do not reply – in the comment.
If you would like a reply and have a specific kind of reply which you would like, just say so and be specific – ie. I want you to reply to this, and tell me this.
If you would like a reply and are okay with a random blurb from me, then tell me that’s what you want – ie. random blurb me, I want to see what you noticed in what I said, even if you totally misunderstood me because you’re batshit.
If you’ve never commented on a blog before, but have felt the urge to do so, give it a go, and spill your fears about it because sometimes that helps (this might help too – I am really awkward when I comment on other blogs, some of the things I’ve said still haunt me, and so I tend not to do it, especially if I have to fill out the comment form before I can do it… but sometimes I wish I’d do it more). If you don’t know what to say (because you forget what you wanted to say due to having to fill out the comment form) then tell me something you wish people noticed more about you or what you wish they’d stop noticing about you because that’s not you – ie. I’m really funny but when I try to share my humour people think I’m being serious and sometimes they think I’m being a snob that’s not me at all!
Yes, this is a test of sorts, but it’s not one you can fail. I’m feeling a skin-shed coming on for me, and I would like for you to be a part of it (no, you don’t have to loofah me).
It’s time for this blog to change… how would you change it?
What ‘more’ do you want? What ‘less’ do you want?
That quote popped into my head this morning and has been nagging at me all day… so there it is, voicing itself… I’ve acknowledged it… now what?
Over to you
and if you need a question or two to start the voice ball rolling:
What change do you want to see in the world and how can you personally begin to make it happen?
What do you wish and dream that someone would say to you if only just once? And if they said it how would that change things for you?