I don’t always do everything I say that I’m going to do, however sometimes I do…
and this is one of those sometimes I do times.
In a recent post (this one: Are We Nearly There Yet? ) I mentioned that I had an idea for a drawing series and that I would reveal more about it soon.
Now is the soon.
The new series on An Upturned Soul is: The Story of Narcie The Narcissist.
And here’s the story behind The Story of Narcie The Narcissist.
About 40 years ago, an about 7/8 year old me loved reading comic books and drawing, and one day that child-me decided to create her own comic book.
Kind of makes sense, doesn’t it. Two loves coming together and evolving into a third love.
All went well, sort of, I mean I was a kid and my skills were also kids (the kids of a kid) and so my very first comic book was a scrawly mess, but I thought it was brilliant. It was fun. It was… something I knew would need more work, practice, and practical effort on my part before it was brilliant to anyone other than myself, but…
There is always a but, and sometimes the but hurts…
In my enthusiasm, excitement, and impulse to share such brilliant fun, I made the mistake of showing my parents what I had created.
I should have known better than to do that… if I wanted what had just been born to have a chance to keep living.
I did know better. I’d been the child of narcissists since I’d been born, and I knew it was a struggle to keep living around them because… narcissists make everything a struggle. Life has a way of dying around them.
My parents took one casual cursory glance at my brilliant fun comic book and declared it an unprofessional, untalented, unoriginal, unworthy of living, embarrassing (for them and thus for me) failure.
Child-me was crushed. Put right back in my place, my gilded cage, where I should stay and stop trying to get out of that trap. I was ‘safe’ there. Everywhere else was ‘dangerous’. I should stay within the lines and never play with sharp objects like pencils or colouring pens (especially if I’m going to stubbornly colour outside of the lines!).
Child-me gave up on her dream of creating comics. She kept reading comics, but eventually grew out of that. She kept drawing, but eventually gave up on that too.
I could and did blame my parents for my giving up on the things I loved. To be fair to myself, they played a significant part in it, they owned part of the blame, but…
there is always a but…
To be fair to them, it was not all their fault. It’s also my fault.
I know why I did what I did. To survive narcissist parents, to maintain a self while trapped in a cage, while your self is something the narcissist parents want to destroy, take over, replace… sometimes you have to give up on everything you genuinely care about to keep it safe from them. Kill it (or appear to kill it) and bury it deep, like a secret which you have to keep from yourself too so you won’t tell, and the best way to do that is for you to no longer know anything. If you no longer know anything, then you will no longer care about anything, then you will no longer be able to be torn to shreds on a daily basis.
That won’t make sense to anyone who hasn’t had narcissists as parents. Sorry, you just won’t get it. And don’t worry if you say stupid things to people like me (children of narcissists) while judging us and our lives, our life stories. Stupid things such as: You should have done this or that instead of the this and that which you did. People like me have heard loads of stupid things from people who just don’t get it, who think narcissists are a fairytale crazy people make up as excuses for why they haven’t done what judge-y people think we should have done…
There’s nothing like the schadenfreude of judge-y people having a narcissist F-up their life and then… then suddenly the world is full of narcissists and it’s not a fairytale invention at all!
While I was being sarcastic just now… I’ve had life do that with me with things I didn’t believe in either, so, I get it. It only exists when it happens to us. And then OUCH does it exist!
Anyway, 40 years after giving up on something I loved into creative being, and then killed before it had a chance to live long enough to reach a birthday… I’ve finally come back round to it.
This time things are different. Yet not different at all.
I’ve learned a lot (really slowly) in those 40 years. I’ve learned that what I was taught by my parents about How To Be anything at all is mostly a lie. The kind of lie you end up believing. The kind of lie which becomes a truth. But it’s still a lie even when you are under the delusion that it’s a truth.
For instance, my parents taught me that:
1 – Don’t create anything if someone else has already done it. If it’s not original, then it’s not worth bothering with it. – that particular belief, if you take it too seriously, leaves you with nothing to do or say as someone else has done and said pretty much everything already. We’re all stuck on repeat after man #1 and woman #1.
2 – If you do create something which has been done before, then you have to do it better than everyone else immediately or you shouldn’t do it at all. – that reasoning will leave you as incapable of doing or saying anything as #1.
3 – Never make mistakes. Mistakes are to be feared more than anything else. – some of the greatest inventions and creations were born out of mistakes… which means that maybe something worth having will come out of making the mistake of believing and being influenced by narcissists for several decades before snapping out of that long spell.
What I’m doing with my drawings, including the Narcie The Narcissist series, on my blog is a personal adventure and experiment of sorts. I think it’s fun and brilliant… while I’d love for others to love it too, it’s okay if I’m the only one who loves it. I’m doing this!
I’m basing Narcie The Narcissist partly on my mother. It’s time I ‘made peace’ with my mother. Not with her, the person, but with the parts of her that are a part of me, the person. So I’m doing it this way and seeing what happens.
The Narcie the Narcissist series is going to be a bit special… it could be a mistake making special.
Hope you’ll enjoy it. If not, no worries.
Over to you…
Have you reconnected with any loves of your child-self recently?