Repeat Performance – thoughts on relationships with Narcissists and the recovery process

Last night I watched an old film – Repeat Performance (1947) – which triggered an old wound, releasing some new insights into myself and my story for me personally.

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The synopsis of the film on IMDb is as follows:

On New Year’s Eve 1946, Sheila Page kills her husband Barney. She wishes that she could relive 1946 and avoid the mistakes that she made throughout the year. Her wish comes true but cheating fate proves more difficult than she anticipated.

What the synopsis doesn’t mention is that Sheila Page is married to a classic Narcissist – her husband fits the diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder perfectly (plus all the things the diagnostic criteria doesn’t mention… such as what it’s like to live with a Narcissist 24/7).

He is a self-loathing, selfishly-centered projecting and transferring of all his shit onto others bully, who turns his self-loathing into hate for everyone (it’s only through hating others that a narcissist can feel good about themselves and hate themselves less) and everything else (everything is awful to a Narcissist unless it’s not, but eventually even what is not awful will be awful)…

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(love this song… it totally gets it!)

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…and thinks everyone owes him everything (and nags, whines, whinges, has a tantrum, plays the victim, emotionally blackmails, psychologically blackmails, randomly does blackmailing of every sort all over the place and doesn’t get it that no one likes a blackmailer, intimidates, and bullies others into giving the narcissist all the stuff they think they don’t have and believe others have and should give to them) but nothing they give him is ever good enough for him. He sees himself as a victim of others, of circumstances, and thus he views himself as righteously justified in victimising others (the narcissist isn’t the victimiser and his victims aren’t his victims, they brought it on themselves by being bad, unfair, evil, having what the Narcissist doesn’t have, being who the narcissists doesn’t want them to be, refusing to be who the narcissists wants and needs them to be for him or her, etc), taking what he wants and then throwing it all away because it’s not what he wanted, it doesn’t satisfy the bottomless pit of seething need, want, greed (which devours and devours but neither tastes nor savours what it devours). He wants the world at his feet… so he can stomp on it and kick it. Nothing he does is his fault, nothing is his responsibility, the consequences of his actions are someone else’s problem… and so on.

And Sheila Page fits the Victim of a Narcissist criteria perfectly too – she thinks that she’s the one at fault, that she’s to blame for what happened between her and her husband (What the film doesn’t show you at the beginning is that Sheila Page shot and killed her husband because he was trying to kill her. Why was he trying to kill her? Because he blamed her for everything and he’d decided that if she was dead then he’d be free to live the life he believed that he deserved. She was an obstacle between him and his dream ideal…), and that therefore if she had a do-over she could fix things and get a happily ever after for both of them.

The relationship with a narcissist always begins with a dream… and always ends in a nightmare… which just keeps going and going like the bunny which energiser and duracell fought a legal battle over (because shit like that is important to humanity).

If she could do things differently then she could make him happy, give him everything he said he wanted, make him love her, give him enough love to… but he only ended up hating her just as much as he had done before (because his hate for her wasn’t about her and who she was or what she did – but she couldn’t see that!).

But since she was trying to fix a relationship which involved a Narcissist… the story was inevitably going to go around in a vicious circle and end up exactly where it had ended up the first time around.

She could have had endless years of Groundhog Day do-overs and the Narcissist would have caused all of them to end up exactly where the first time around ended up. The only way to change history would have been for Sheila Page to start her do-over by leaving her husband… and even then… he’d have probably been pissed off at her for leaving him (how very dare she!) and things would have played out as they always do when a Narcissist is involved.

The dream always ends up being a nightmare merry-go-round ride, and there’s no way to get off… even in death (even though my father is now dead my mother is still keeping him alive and riding the nightmare merry-go-round).

Narcissists are stuck in a loop, and they go around and around, repeating the same performance over and over – anyone who gets sucked into a relationship with them inevitably gets sucked into the loop, going around and around, repeating the same performance.

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Groucho Marx describing what Narcissists do

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Watching the film was more than slightly agonising. I did consider turning it off, but for some reason I was transfixed. Particularly with the part where the husband hates his wife and blames her for everything that is wrong with his life, with him, and goes wrong for him regardless of who she is and what she does – and she does an awful lot to please him, bending over backwards to support him, to save him from his self-destructive tendencies, to help him realise his dreams… the nicer and more helpful she is, the more she gives him, the more he loathes her, the more he punishes her, the more he feels right in his view of her and his version of reality – She’s the reason he’s so miserable, therefore she must die (really dude!?! You’re a miserable swear word I can’t use online without offending people who don’t deserve to be offended, but you’re that and yet according to you you’re a saint and everyone else is the sinner….)

The way the film ends is intensely unsatisfying, and unfair. Sure, the Narcissist gets shot and killed again, but… others get to pay for his repeat performance.

But… it is only a film, a fiction… right? Or is it?

With Narcissists you’re never going to get a ‘fair and just’ ending. Chances are your ‘ending’ won’t ever feel like an ending… it’s a loose end flapping in the wind which a part of you will want to tie up neatly, but you’re going to have to let it go… on flapping loosely in the wind (and get as far from it as possible so that loose end doesn’t wrap itself around your neck). It’s a live wire looking for a puddle to fall in just as someone who has nothing to do with the Narcissist’s story is wading through the puddle and others who happened to have been in a relationship with that Narcissist get blamed for what happened to that innocent wader through the puddle.

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What watching this film triggered for me was a memory of the constant undercurrent of hostility in which I grew up and lived (and thought was ‘normal’) until my late 20’s when I opted out of being a member of my family (an act which society won’t approve of… even in this day and age when society says it might allow for and approve of such things… but it’s your mother, your father… you’ll be sorry… yeah, nah… they’re shits who keep shitting on me, do I still need to love them or am I allowed to block their asses finally?).

Opting out didn’t stop my feeling that I was living in a world hostile to me and my existence, but it did allow for the healing process to begin… to chip away at that belief which had firmly implanted itself in my psyche.

Hostility is a normal part of the Narcissistic reality in a variety of ways. They say that the Eskimos (sorry if that term is politically incorrect, I have no idea anymore what’s correct and incorrect, feel free to correct me people of the internet) have 50 words for ‘snow’… Narcissists have at least 50 words for (and ways of expressing) hostility, one of which is ‘love’. When a Narcissist tells you they ‘love’ you or someone else… what they really mean is that their hostility is being expressed in the guise of ‘love’, caring and affection.

“If you ‘love’ me” a Narcissist will say, “then you will throw yourself off this cliff for me… if you don’t throw yourself off this cliff then you don’t love me and… then I won’t be able to love you because I can’t love someone who won’t kill themselves for me…” – and other similar dialogues which are common in conversations with Narcissists.

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My parents were constantly requiring of me that I prove my love for them (to win their love… which was impossible to win, but maybe, just maybe if I tried hard enough…) through my own self-destruction.. Of course they didn’t see it that way. They were always the heroes (and I was always the villain, even as a baby – I got that view of baby-me from them), and heroes don’t ask their ‘loved’ ones to do that kind of thing… I must have misheard them, as usual I was not listening properly, I was a typical villain making everything they said sound villainous… and other stories from Gaslightville (I watched the film, Gaslight, which gave that Narcissist tactic its name ,many years ago with my Narcissist mother… she loved that film because, of course, she was Ingrid Bergman and my father and everyone else in the world was Charles Boyer).

They also didn’t see themselves as hating me for existing, even when they told me in fairly plain words that they hated me for existing, my existence was a source of pain, fear and loathing for them, and they’d be happier, healthier, wealthier, better off if I died or just had never been born. Why did I force my existence upon them (huh!?!).

Narcissists never really hear how cruel what they say sounds to those who hear it (they’re not really listening to anything they say or anything anyone else says)… they only hear their cruelty when you repeat back to them what they have said to you, but then it is you who is being cruel to them (and they can’t and won’t hear about how they have been cruel to you in similar fashion- so don’t bother trying and hoping to get them to connect what you are saying to them with what they have said to you, it’s a Sisyphean task (another vicious cycle/circle/merry-go-round).

They also constantly told me how hostile the world was (and the world confirmed this in the myriad ways which it does that).

Funnily enough, now that the world appears to be increasingly more openly hostile (thanks in some ways to the internet and the communicative avenues it has opened up for all of us) it in some ways feels less hostile… perhaps because it’s less passive-aggressive than it used to be. Open aggression is in some ways easier to deal with than aggression which disguises itself as love, as empathy, as sensitivity, as a caring entity which is trying to help you see… how much things would be better if you weren’t being you as you are and instead became someone else for someone else who isn’t being who they are… if only you would be someone who would still never measure up to some fantasy of someone who is trying to be a fantasy version of themselves because they hate who they are due to never measuring up to someone else’s fantasy of who people need to be to…????

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before you react negatively to this quote… take the time to check out the work of Marie-Louise von Franz in depth to put her quote into context. However if you’ve been in a relationship with a Narcissist you may not need to do that as you may already have too much experience of the ‘tyranny of the feeling/sensitive types’ who aren’t particularly sensitive to the feelings of others – others must adapt – that means you to them.

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If you grow up with Narcissist parents – everyone and everything is always out to get you (to get them – the Narcissists, and since you’re an extension of them, a thing, object, which they own, the world will try to get to them through you… you’re the weak link and chink in their armor, which is why they have to be cruel to you to toughen you up, but you’re still so weak and useless… and they will try to get back at the hostile world using you as a tool, a weapon, a soldier who will fight their ‘good’ fight for them and get killed on their behalf saving them like a ‘good’ soldier should die for their master).

Since most Narcissists tend to have other Narcissistic people (who may or may not be Narcissists themselves, they may be regular people whose narcissistic side is brought out by being involved in a relationship with Narcissists…) in their immediate social circle… the reality created by Narcissist parents gets confirmed again and again – the world and everyone in it is hostile to you and your existence…. and it’s all your fault.

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Nenbroto from the Sola Busca Tarot – meaning: Innocence Lost/Tyranny. Jealous Rulers

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The healing/recovery process from narcissistic abuse can take ages (give yourself all the time you need… and give yourself time to realise that you need to give yourself all the time you need)… and many of methods which actually help to recover from a relationship with a Narcissist seem to be the opposite of some conventional healing methods and therapeutic recommendations.

For instance the whole – ‘Getting rid of Ego’ – concept is something children of Narcissists and victims of Narcissists already have done and should avoid continuing to do – our problem isn’t having an ego it’s not having enough of an ego. ‘Getting an Ego’ is actually more helpful – as is figuring out what is meant by ‘Ego’ (Carl Jung’s version of Ego is probably the most helpful and healthiest as the Ego is viewed as an ally rather than the enemy, it’s basically a ‘higher’ self which organises all the separate elements of self into a whole self which works together to help the owner of these selves, ego, etc).

When I was first searching for ways to heal, I found myself attracted to all sorts of healing methods which… in retrospect I would say were ‘narcissistic’ – hence why I was attracted to them. If you’re prone to being attracted to and attracting Narcissists, as I have been, then this can pervade other areas (and you may find yourself attracted to therapies and such which are narcissistic – which I was).

I could have so easily ended up joining a group such as the one shown in this excellent documentary – Wild Wild Country (for those who would rather read than watch, this series of articles sums the documentary up, and adds added info which the documentary did not include – 25 years after Rajneeshee commune collapsed, truth spills out — Part 1 of 5). Watching this documentary is like watching the story of my life with my Narcissist parents as it encapsulates the Narcissistic reality, delusion, insanity which can appear ‘sane’, and ‘ideal dream turned nightmare’ brilliantly (the best bit is how it shows the failings of the Narcissist ideal – they were trying to set up an ideal empathic loving community where a fairly empathic and loving community already existed which the Narcissists could not, would not, and refused to see, and in the process the Narcissists almost destroyed the already loving empathic community which existed for the sake of something which wasn’t what it thought it was and was never going to be that)… only on a larger scale – in a twisted way it helped to heal me to watch this.

I’m going to end this post here… there’s a lot left unsaid. Sometimes there’s more in what is not said than there is in what is said, and sometimes that’s not the case.

When healing from a relationship with a Narcissist… everything is part of the recovery process. Pay attention to what attracts you, what repels you, what triggers you and what doesn’t trigger you (especially if it used to be something which triggered you)… it is all part of the narrative of your story – and ultimately it’s your story you’re trying to figure out.

A big part of the healing/recovery process also entails figuring out what isn’t your story but keeps trying to make itself into your story… perhaps you feel this as a burden, something you’re carrying for someone else, something you have to resolve (re-solve) because someone else handed it to you – it’s their unfinished business which wants a happy ending. Is it really your puzzle to solve or re-solve? Why?

In parting, I’m leaving you with two things which have recently made me feel a strange positivity.

Firstly

an excerpt from a ye olde text (which I found in a book bought from a secondhand bookshop):

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excerpt from: The Real History of the Rosicrucians by A. E. Waite via sacredtexts

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which advises that we leave things in this world as we found them because trying to solve and re-solve the problems of the human world just makes more of a mess of a mess (somehow that piece of advice at the end of a complex story was a great relief). After a lifetime of being influenced by the narcissists in my life who pressured me into thinking that I should make a difference, make a mark upon this world, change everyone and everything to suit some ideal (which wasn’t mine but which I made mine at some point)… it’s kind of nice, relaxing and fitting to see things differently. What if my life makes no difference at all and that’s okay. What if I just make as little of a difference and mark on this world as is humanly possible… and that’s a sort of good thing?

and an image inspired by a TV series – El Ministerio Del Tiempo – which I’ve truly enjoyed watching (and am sad it was cancelled, but such are the vagaries of TV and life and time…), and which puts history (both personal and impersonal) into perspective… especially when we consider meddling with it to make life as we know it better… or just to try to keep it as it is because… while it could be better, it could also be worse.

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Sometimes we should just leave ourselves as is… and get to know what is as it is. That takes quite some doing… getting to know ourselves as we are isn’t easy, but it’s the kind of hard that’s worth it,

Feel free to share or ask anything here in the comment section of this post…

and, thank you to Anna, for inspiring me to momentarily break my hiatus from blogging.

12 comments

  1. Hiya,
    I love to debat a bit with my own research.
    Sounds like a narcissist likes to put you on a guilt trip, the forever doubt when you do things right. Their inner doubts projected on the world.
    I think healing can take place with awareness. With also the free choice on how you want to respond to people and situations.
    I recognize the negative thinking loop hole.. it can be contagious and like bad spooks people can appear from the shadows to confirm it.

    I’ve also studied the charts of my family members (also human design), seeking answers. As for bhagwan had a interesting chart a stellium of capricorn in the 8th house. He knew how to exploit people’s “sexual energy moter engine” as ra uru hu would have explained (name sounds guru too lol). Bhagwan was a projector (the dream…) it thought it was hilarious tho.
    He told people what they wanted to hear. The followers all said they didnt like the life anymore how they lived.. (weakness? Or vulnurable?) Accept the “followers” couldn’t see behind the scenes. Once you are living in a new ocean you gotta surf the waves. Some love the waves and the drama.
    Seeing the famous triangle play out: victim, rescuer, persecutor. Without the triangle life is what it is.

    I watch the originals on netflix and the characters are bloodsucking hard but in their eyes they have the right motives but they are always finding an enemy stronger or a threat to them. Again the loop..

    I can write more about it.

    Why do we get triggered of the past? I Suppose its comfort zone.. it made me contemplate on “freedom” where to we have freedom?
    The mind is a powerfull tool playing old tapes to keep you out of the “now”.

    What do you do now? How do you live now? What has changed in you?

    Like

    • Hi, Bonnie πŸ™‚

      Excellent points and questions!

      I also love to debate with myself (the regular astro on that is natal Mars square Merc – those two could argue into infinity and beyond, especially as Uranus and Jupiter are part of the mix). It can be a fun interaction or painful, depends on what’s up for debate. Occasionally the debate ends up in the abyss, and everything goes dark, then blank, then nothingness abides for a while.

      Yes, the narcissist does enjoy taking people on guided guilt trips… those journeys can last a lifetime, sometimes it ends in a shipwreck on a mythical island which is owned by a witch who turns everyone into pigs (Circe).

      You’re right, awareness is a big healing force. It comes with much personal responsibility and accountability. If we don’t like certain behaviours in others, then we need to observe our own behaviour and make sure that we’re not doing that thing whereby it’s okay when we do it to others but not okay when others do it to us. If we really want to change how we respond to people and situations, the change has to go deep and include how we expect others to respond to us and the situations we create. We’re as much a part of the problem as we are part of the solution.

      And when real changes and shifts happen, there’s definitely a – Now what!? – which occurs afterwards. Real change comes with new territory, new rules which need to be discovered, new ways of being, doing, thinking, feeling, and the new requires experiencing it to figure out how to be it, do it, etc. Scary and exciting!

      In some ways the past, present, future, all exist in the same space. The ‘now’ contains them all in a moment. Perhaps when we change something in the ‘now’, it changes the past, which changes the present, which changes the future πŸ˜‰

      Just as the answers exist within the questions, and vice versa. Maybe the asking of a question is the answer and the answer is a new question being asked.

      Like

      • Good answer.

        Oh dear.. i just saw asteroid Hekate exactly conjunct my 3rd house cusp in capricorn. That goes deep πŸ™‚
        Sounds like the myth ive been reading about her..

        What do you think about astrology as such?

        Thank you!
        Chiron in the 7th house eeeh.. and chiron transit past my natal venus in aries 0Β° 5th house.

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        • I think that astrology is a very interesting subject to explore, particularly as it ties into many other interesting subjects, like philosophy, psychology, and mythology, etc.

          I like the flexibility of it – in many ways it becomes an expression of whoever is using it, so the manner in which someone uses astrology reveals to them and to others much about who they are, how they see themselves, how they experience life, and how they feel about others and the world.

          It can be a helpful tool to get to know oneself. The natal chart gives us a place to start discovering ourselves and how to work with being human and living life. I personally find charts and transits can aid in focusing attention, and in solving life puzzles… but I don’t always use astrological interpretations to do that, or at least not the interpretations which others have created. I like to research what others have said about a placement, transit, sign, etc, and then decide for myself what it is and how it may work.

          I have to say I’ve had fun looking into Human Design. I’ve been trying to figure out where each component came from, it is such an intricate amalgam of other systems.

          With natal Chiron in the 7th – all one-to-one relationships need to be explored in depth, that includes relationships which you have with systems which you use to know more about yourself, more about others, more about relationships because anything placed in the 7th house also involves the 1st house, it’s the axis of self/other where one works with the other, one affects and influences the other.

          When we explore a subject, we’re having a personal relationship with it, and with everyone who has contributed to it, especially with those whose writings on the subject influence our understanding of the subject. For instance with astrology think of your favourite astrologer, the one whose interpretations you use the most, which have influenced you the most, in a way you’re in a relationship of sorts with that astrologer, who they are is influencing who you are and how you experience yourself. I usually like to explore the astrology of the astrologers when I read their interpretations (some astrologers are very secretive about their own natal chart – which is something that still perplexes me), I also like to know more about their own personal journey into the subject – why do they have a relationship with astrology, what purpose does it serve for them, what are they getting from it and what are they giving through it.

          What do you think of astrology?

          great question, btw!

          Like

          • Hi..

            I could be wrong but why astrologers “hide” their chart could have many reasons of which ive thought off.
            I know some celebrities hide that info.
            Its energy exposed and we know people can lie.

            Reading your own chart can be hard. (Mine opinion).
            Ask 10 people you’ll get 10 different answers. The more you hear the same then.. it must be true..?? Thats what believe system does.

            I think its fascinating to link everything together as a spider making the web.
            Ive been interested in horoscopes since a year. Before ive used human design, for years and
            I was “testing” with horary and murder cases. (Worst case scenario) with the underlaying question are things meant to happen? Is there a destiny?

            I can probably write my own novel about my life using extra details like astrology. Not that i will lol.
            Mind you.. you did point out about circe, which made the drama ive experienced last summer it bit more hilarious.
            Mine was conjunct somebody sun, his circe conjunct his moon conjunct my north node.
            Maybe thats why i asked the question.. is there a destiny… ? His cupido conjunct my sun.

            Some things i can relate to, like i have asteroid cassandra conjunct my sun in my natal.
            Certain things happend to me and i felt numerious times nobody believes me and the truth followed after..
            When i meditated on her, i felt deep inside the “victim” stance.

            Sometimes i wish someone could read my chart.. i end up seeing to many possibilities lol.

            Good question what i think of it..
            Outside the box, looking for meaning, facts, record things on a floating pile of “death” rocks lol.
            Or inspirational of deeper layers.. with again, past present, future.
            Some people wanted to be remembered so they named asteroΓ―ds.
            It could be a universal clock.. control system like 12 hours, 12 starsigns..
            Funny, some use it to succeed in life (like fashion).
            Like the unicorns are of much fashion these days and we have saturn- pluto- mars etc in capricorn.

            I dont have a favorite astrologer. I have mercury 7th conjunct uranus 1rst. My mind likes to blab a lot or come up with ideas.
            So annoying sometimes that i appreciate silence.

            How are you doing with human design?
            Have you tried it yet with your relationships? To decondition yourself as ra uru hu suggested?
            I did lol.. thats when the shit hits the fan..
            I have gate 15.5 in my moon, body (red line).
            The gate of the aura.
            Line 5 – Sensitivity

            The ability to sense when otherwise balanced behaviour must be adjusted to meet the requirements of changing environment.

            Exaltation: The power to grow. The capacity of the Self to grow through experiencing the extremes.

            Detriment: The tendency to overcompensate. The drive of the Self to overcompensate and disturb the flow.

            Ive been an angel and a devil.. i dont know why..
            Fits well with sun in 7th opposite asc in scorpio and moon in libra. Depends who’s was crossing my path.
            So human design sheds a light on the same thing
            in a different context or picture, thats when my uranus (in sag 1st house) kicks in and changes it.

            Uranus in gate 34.5 with mercury 20.5 instant manifestation of reality.
            Well if thats not complicated you tell me..

            What are you hoping to find? Is it your curiosity or just passing time? To find inspiration?

            What kinda of impact do i leave to you?

            Like

            • This question – “What kinda of impact do i leave to you?” – is a very natal Chiron in the 7th question to ask (this is an insightful forum discussion about it – http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum1/HTML/015251.html), as well as a very human need to know how others experience us, what they feel and think about us.

              Here’s a question for you – What kind of impact would you like to have on me/leave me with? How would you like for me to experience you? What answer would you like for me to give you to your question?

              What are you hoping to find by asking me the questions that you’ve asked?

              Is it curiosity, just passing time, or something else which you are seeking?

              Are you looking for inspiration? If yes, what kind of inspiration are you hoping to find?

              See what I did there πŸ™‚

              Often what we want to know about others (especially when what we want to know about others is how they feel about us and what they think of us), is what we want to know about ourselves. So when we explore a relationship, we’re in many ways exploring ourselves.

              What is it that you truly want to know about yourself?

              As for how you impact me…

              People often find me frustrating because they can’t figure out what I think of them, what I feel about them, how I experience them, how they affect me. And I often find people frustrating because their frustrations about me cause them to make assumptions (to fill the uncertainty void) about what I’m thinking and feeling about them which is usually not at all what I’m thinking and feeling about them – all of that is reflected in my natal chart so it’s part of my journey.

              You comment regularly on my blog posts – that’s a brave thing to do (because I’m fairly crazy πŸ˜‰ and people have told me that they sometimes find me intimidating for one reason or another). You seem to actually read my blog posts – and since they’re usually all over the place, too rambling and too long (which is perfect for me and why I write them), it’s pretty amazing that you can follow whatever it is that I’m talking about. You ask interesting questions, and you seem to be interested in your own questions and answering them for yourself. You think for yourself. You share yourself openly. You’re a natural wild card.

              From what you’ve told me of your story… I think you should consider doing what you’ve said you’re not going to do – “I can probably write my own novel about my life” – and do it in your own way. If transiting Chiron is moving into your 5th house (house of creativity), then writing a novel about your life may be healing to yourself and may also help others who get the opportunity to read it. Since you’re interested in crime, have you read about the story of Alison Botha, it is intense on so many levels.

              I enjoy interacting with you, and I truly mean it when I say ‘thank you for sharing’.

              Thank you for sharing yourself with me πŸ™‚

              Like

              • Hi

                Thats a very open statemant.
                I appreciate it πŸ˜‰

                If i remember rightly we both share the same gate 25.3 and 46.3
                Investigating our minds and body how it responds to life.

                My experience with gate 46.3 in detriment is the projecting part..
                I sometimes see vivid outcomes of possibilities. Depends on who i am with.

                I quickly read an interview wherein i could read other underlying things in her answer.
                She keeps talking about it so why does she, wanna keep the story alive?
                She made a choice because she wanted to be remembered as a hero.. overcoming.
                Humble..
                It would be interesting to read their charts( men) her chart and of the event.
                I would ask her: how does she feel about men now? Chiron.. directly to the point.

                Again from darkness to light. Wake up call. I suspect uranus had an influence and scorpio.

                But.. i cant be asked to do so. She’s writing her own story.

                Like

  2. Hello! Good to see you again. πŸ™‚

    As you so often do, you have made me consider. I read your post earlier today and then took some hours before coming back to it. I had a lot of other things to do and knew that your post would be percolating in the background.

    I have long felt like a bit of a failure (I know logically that I’m not), with a voice whispering that I should be doing better, that I should be making more money, that I should have made more of a mark (what mark? How deep? where?). I just thought that this was a function of my own insecurities. As soon as I read what you wrote about this, it clicked. I had forgotten (how do you forget something like this?) how I had been hounded to make money, make my mark (in other words, be famous somehow), “be somebody.” I did wind up making money but it wasn’t “enough” and I always had a vague sense of feeling defective. I gave up the pursuit of money (I still work though) and have become much more settled within myself, but your explanation was a revelation. Thank you. πŸ™‚

    Like

    • Hi, Lynette πŸ˜€

      I love what you’ve shared!

      Recently I’ve been doing a lot of reading of old texts written by writers of the days of yore, and the weird thing is that the descriptions of society centuries ago and what it was like being a human then, the thoughts and feelings which they had then about themselves and their roles in their world, seems so relevant and so current to the now. The more things change the more they remain the same. What comes across most strongly is that each and every one of us needs to figure out our own personal way of being, what truly sings, zings and works for us. What is our natural way, and our natural contribution to the greater whole?

      Some of us are supposed to rise to great heights above the crowd and make a mark on the rest of humanity (which isn’t always a positive thing, but a necessary one all the same). But we don’t all need to be that and do that, why do we all think we should be being and doing that? And why do we think that’s such a wonderful position to be in? From the sounds of it, it’s often a pretty shitty role because those people tend to be lightning rods for everyone else. There’s something about being a nobody doing nothing much which is infinitely richer and more relaxing than being a somebody doing something important which is stressful as hell πŸ˜‰

      I think many feelings, like the one of being a failure (which seems to be a common feeling which haunts people whom others would consider anything but a failure), eventually become a question which asks us – What do you personally think success is? What do you think failure is?

      One of the characters on the Spanish TV show I mentioned in the post views success as being ‘honourable’, and failure as failing to live up to being an honourable person. Honourable in his view is living by a personal code of conduct, and dying by it if need be. Basically honouring the self, respecting the self and passing that on through living and being. Or at least that’s how I interpreted it.

      When we honour ourselves and our own natural way of being… life kind of feels more okay as it is πŸ™‚

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      • Thank you. πŸ™‚ Yes, the more things change, the more they stay the same. I love how you have been reading old texts and seeing that connection to our basic humanity stretching over the years. Lots of surface things change, but us, not so much.

        I agree that we don’t all need to do that – whatever “that” is. Success can be many things, but at its core it needs to be internally driven, as does failure.

        It’s interesting how that “training” – to want to be a “success” becomes a part of you and it takes a different kind of listening in order to recognise that it is, in fact, training. I remember knowing very well how my mother felt sbout things but being confused about how I felt. Everything about my natural me was suppressed, and yes, my own way is okay as it is. πŸ™‚

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        • That is magnificently insightful! You know what just popped into my mind’s eye while reading your insights and feeling their brilliance – that photo you took (which is in this post of yours – https://lynettedartycross.com/2018/01/11/remembering-summer/) of the owl. As I was thinking about how much there’s something about you which is like that owl (as in the archetype – the wise watcher and seer), it occurred to me that what you said about “Everything about my natural me was suppressed…” is like the snow covered landscapes in your photos. Underneath the suppression (the thick blanket of snow and ice) is a green planet waiting for the melt so that it can grow, bloom, and share what was once covered up. And I think that realising that “my own way is okay as it is” is real success. πŸ™‚

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