[Please note: This is a repost of a post published in December 2013.
This is another post which I’ve never forgotten writing. I’ve always loved this post… not because I think it’s good, or clever, or anything like that, I have no idea if it’s any of those things, but because of the feeling I had while writing it, and the feeling I still have when I remember it, and upon re-reading it.
It isn’t really about being a Capricorn (fairly certain I just heard a few astrologers cringe at my phrasing things that way even though they didn’t and won’t actually read this – in real astrology we’re not our supposed to say ‘I am a Capricorn’, or whatever sun sign you are, as that is not who you are and how to use astrology properly). It isn’t really about Sun Sign Astrology. That’s just the language I found easiest to use to express something which I’ve experienced, which has pained and puzzled me.
What is it really about?
It’s about self-acceptance. It’s about bias, our own and that of others. It’s about the labels we slap onto ourselves and others. The battles we fight, win, lose, have to fight again regardless of whether we won or lost previous battles, because of those labels and bias. It’s about tribes, the way we seek to belong, what happens when we don’t belong, what happens when we do belong. It’s about being human, living a life, and trying to figure out what… why… how… who… et cetera.
I’ve always felt that I somehow didn’t belong here on Earth… at least not in the version of it as perceived and created by humans for themselves and for other humans. I was constantly told (through words, looks, gestures, etc) that there was something odd, freaky, different, wrong, bad, lacking, etc, about me. Even the things which were perhaps possibly good about me were somehow not right. Sometimes I was informed that I had too much of something which while it was supposed to be a something desirable to have by a human, it bothered others that I had it and apparently I had too much of it, didn’t deserve it, or whatever other complication which humans can find to apply to just about anything and anyone.
I spent most of my life regularly doing several things:
Trying not to bother others (failed every time because such a thing is not possible, the very things you do not to bother others bothers others),
Trying to give everything good about me away to others because I didn’t deserve it and had too much of it (failed at this as well, although sometimes it seemed like I was succeeding but… why exactly do we think success is a desirable goal?),
Trying to not be myself because myself was the opposite of what I should be (there’s a theory that life on Earth is actually an incarnation in hell – humans sure do make this theory seem fairly plausible),
Trying to find my tribe, where I belong, my people, my home (and other weird places and their inhabitants)…
and feeling very sorry for myself (while lashing out aggressively at anyone who dared to feel sorry for me – how very dare they pity me!), living in deep depression, wanting to kill myself (but worrying about this bothering others), permanently wired to be anxious (and passing that on in the form of nagging doubt, and other habits which aren’t as good as they claim to be…)
When I wrote this post… well, it marked a much-delayed, much-needed shift. I finally crossed over a line in the sand which I’d drawn for myself over which I had been hesitant to cross. Could I accept myself and my life as I/it was rather than as I thought I/it should be but never was?
Several years later…
I have in recent times gained an appreciation for the theory that life on Earth may be an incarnation in hell, but as I see it most of that hell is of my own doing. Sure, other people helped me to perceive things a certain way and create hell for myself, do that to myself, but they were doing it to themselves and passing it on like a game of pass the parcel, hot potato, problem on hoping someone else would solve it for everyone else.
I’m trying out something new now with myself and my life… but none of it is really new, it just took me a long time to accept that this thing is my thing. This is me. This is my home. This is where I belong. This is my tribe. This is my label and bias and… et cetera.]
My eyelids are lowered, my eyes watching my hands which are clasped together, the hand of the heart and that of the mind with fingers intertwined as though communing with each other. My chest feels tight, my ribs restraining the pressure in my lungs as I hold my breath uncertain if I still know how to breathe. My lips tremble, a nervous smile tugging at the corners.
The decision to talk is still being processed. The wisdom of doing it still being assessed. I know everyone is looking at me waiting, let them wait. It’s no use saying something until I’m ready to speak. I’ve tried that before, it doesn’t work. No use trying it again.
I look up and meet the gazes of those before me. Patient and kind. Respecting my silence. knowing that I need time to muster the courage to say what must eventually be said. This is my first time here, doing this. They have all done this before. They know what I’m going through, they know why I am going through what I am going through. They understand how difficult it is. They also know that once I do it, everything which comes afterwards will seem easy.
My mouth opens. I feel the words stuck in my throat. I clear it quietly.
The sound of my own voice unnerves me a little. The greeting trembled a bit.
My name is Ursula and…
This is the hard part, can I do it?
I’m a Capricorn.
I said it.
Now is the moment of danger when most people who hear those words cross themselves, throw holy water at me, run away screaming, groan with pain, become hostile, and their faces which once held a certain affection and warm curiosity when they asked me what my Sun sign was, become stony cold with contempt.
But not this time.
A tall and lank man stands up… is he leaving?… he lifts his hands… is he going to strike me, no, he’s too far away for that unless he has mystical ninja powers… and smacks the palms together, again and again. Others join him. Some cheer. Some whoop.
They seem genuinely happy for me that I am a Capricorn.
Are they insane?
They are members of Capricorns Anonymous. The only place where we feel safe and welcomed. Other signs just don’t like us, even some of our own turn against us, and they blame us for this. It is our fault they can’t like us.
The meeting is taking place in an old, abandoned and very derelict warehouse. There is no heating and it’s mid-Winter, but someone brought a thermos full of hot coffee, someone else brought some hot tea, and cups, and someone baked some cookies. We make our own warmth. There are no chairs, the seating is a mish-mosh of whatever was available, boxes, palates, wire spools, and the like. We make our own seating. There is no electricity either, kerosene lamps hiss, and candles flicker in draughts. We make our own light.
The members of this group used to meet in more conventional locations, but each time other signs would find out that a meeting was taking place and they would band together and protest, carrying signs with slogans:
My Boyfriend was a Capricorn and he was cold hearted, he gave me shares in a small company which became very successful and made me a lot of money but I wanted chocolates and cuddles for my birthday!
My Girlfriend was a Capricorn and she left me after I lied to her, it was a really good lie and everyone else believed me!
My best friend was a Capricorn and told me exactly what she thought when I asked for advice and I didn’t like it because it hurt my feelings!
My child is a Capricorn and thinks he’s smarter than me, he is but that’s not the point, he makes me feel stupid!
My boss is a Capricorn and he bosses me around, who does he think he is trying to make me do the work I was hired to and paid to do!
Capricorns are so negative and I hate them!
Capricorns are all sociopaths and we should kill them!
The group resumes their quiet listening calm and their seats. It’s up to me to fill the silence. It’s strange to talk to people who are actually listening. My words seem to matter to them.
I’ve never liked being a Capricorn.
I pause. A thought interrupting my speech. A questioning of the self which always stalks my words and thoughts to make sure that I am not doing that which I don’t like in others. Truth may be a different one for each person, but we know our own truth and we know when we are not being entirely truthful with ourselves and with others.
That’s not entirely true. At first I thought I was okay, I even wore the symbol of the sign proudly for all to see, but the other signs made it clear to me that I wasn’t okay because of my sign. I tried to stand my ground and weather the storm of their constant criticism, but I was too young and impressionable then and allowed their view to obscure my own.
I see a few heads rock with understanding.
The other signs think we’re the Devil just because the Devil is associated symbolically with our sign. Time is also associated with our sign, maybe they hate us for that too, for the inexorable ticking of the clock signalling the passing of years and old age approaching.
You Capricorns never age, you must be the Devil! Or a Vampire! Or something freaky and supernatural!
Someone shouted that at me when I tried to go to a meeting once before, I lost my nerve. I learned from that interaction. I made a mistake when I lost my nerve. That incident made me more determined. That’s why I’m here. I took a bad experience and turned it into inspiration to make it valuable and worth having.
I want to learn to love being a Capricorn, because through all the years of hating my sign there is no other sign which I would rather be… and I’ve considered each one, the positives and the negatives, and as much as I can see how wonderful it is to be another sign, my sign is the only one which suits me.
A murmuring shiver of nods runs through the group like a Mexican wave.
Even being the scapegoat of blame for all the evil on this planet, cast out from the zodiac, yet kept in just to be a lightning rod of hate. To never be loved by the other signs. Yes, even that suits me, because if any sign can put up with that kind of shit and not only survive but thrive, it’s a Capricorn.
A spontaneous and united cheer escapes the group and rises up to the roof where flakes of snow are drifting down through a few gaping holes.
Tears quench the thirst of my eyes. This is not crying. This is a treat as I rarely cry. This is relief. This is the feeling of finally being embraced as I am without fear. Without seeing the fear in the eyes of the other. Without feeling fear towards the other. Saturn’s fear wearing me down. Crushing me with its weight.
Worrying that I will upset others by speaking my thoughts out loud and pop an ego bubble by doing so inciting the kind of wrath which goes with an injured ego.
Never being able to point out the hypocrisy in others, how it is somehow alright for them to say whatever they please to me, and I have to accept it and not get upset, but I am not permitted to do the same to them.
I am supposed to shoulder responsibilities which do not belong to me, and then I am hounded for it when I refuse to do so.
Accused of not being any fun to be around. I could have fun too if I handed someone else the parts of myself, the darkness, which I do not want and left them to hold them while I went out into the light to play indefinitely.
Dealing with the consequences of disappointing the expectations others have of me. I am supposed to be strong, stoic and reliable, yet when I am that is as wrong as when I am not. Sometimes I want to be weak, traumatised and irresponsible.
I am hated for giving the impression that I am perfect, immune to pain, and living in an ivory tower no one can enter, yet when I show how flawed I am, how deeply I hurt, and that if I live anywhere it is in a dungeon… I am hated for not being the stone cold statue high on a pedestal having rotten fruit and vegetables thrown at me that I am supposed to be.
Having to explain myself when my wry humour goes awry, because others take me too seriously and don’t realise that I am capable of laughing at life, myself. I do it often and it is often missed by others, but not by me for my humour is the steed which carries me through the challenges of this life.
Thank you. I have nothing more to say.
I was the last one to speak today, so now it is time for the Capricorns Anonymous end of meeting ritual.
Someone brought a portable cassette deck. We all laugh at the ancient mechanism and rejoice in its presence and the fact that it has endured and still works even though the music is wonky. We strip off our clothes to reveal the horns under our hats, the soft and fluffy fur on our legs… Oh, you’re confused. You thought we had fish tails. We do, but only when we are in water… and we begin to dance, the clippity clop of our cloven hooves on the concrete floor joins the rhythm of the wonky music. We make our own music.
This never happened, but if it had, I’m sure it would have been fun, when Capricorns get together… we make our own fun. And this post is just a bit of fun Capricorn style.
Some other posts I’ve written about Capricorn:
Calamity Capricorn Rides Again
The Mountain Goat With The Fish Tail
Well i like your writing. Even if you are a cornycap/ capicorn/ caprisun whatever 😛 just kidding.. In my horoscope ive got S.N in 3rd house in capricorn 15°. My N.N is retrograde so i suppose its my karma in the 3rd house. Especially now with pluto and saturn coming to visit, the transits! How dare they..
You’ve opened up my eyes as well and motivate me which i appreciate.
But there was also a silent voice telling me for months..
“Accept your darker side”
Pardon… me?? Moi??
Actually it gives freedom.. to show your darker side.. its there in case you need it.
Not that i am the next hellraiser.. oh wait..dont argue with me.. then i am a bitch on pms spewing sulfer and fire lol.. watch out!
I can giggle sometimes what comes out of my mouth.. so fiery and passionate..
Ask my opinion.. i can be serious, sarcastic, full on religious, dry.. ambitious… or plain realistic… not interested.. too sober..etc
Examples.. of (only) today..
Got talking with 2 lads during my break time.. they both have a dog.
Here satan comes.. told them i grew up with a dog and don’t want any now.. because that so-called lovely pet will get a kick once they are in the way (dont tell me otherwise ive seen it too often) but that cuddly little thing is the only one who’s always happy to see you. So no.. they looked shocked.. trying to justify themselves (my eyes are rolling yeah yeah here it comes).. i move “it” out of the way if “it” takes “my” spot on the couch..
(my brain registrates: hmm you call it “it” ?? Thought “IT” was a clown..?) So if you call it “it” it’s just an object… ok.. i understand.. i move objects too..
Other thing today..
My lovely daughter decided somewhere during the night (after she puked and i comforted her) to put her “bitch” outfit on this morning, which she loves to do (moon, north node and lilith in cappi 4th house).
Told me she hated me because i forgot her herby crackers..now shes victimized.. i didnt care for her.. and shes hungry.. and mommy is around so blame that bitch..
Well this bitch said: if you didnt puke out your dinner last night you wouldnt be hungry now.. would you?? I laughed.. thought it was hilarious.. she wasnt amused.
So this afternoon ive picked her up at a friends house told her, i had to stop by a DIY shop. Our little drama queen still had some of that bitchy aura around her and said:” I’ll stay in the car!!” With a demonic voice..
Somehow i was relieved to go alone so she wouldnt plague me with her attitude. After awhile a woman came to me ask me if i had such and such a car….? Uhm yes.. why? Well there is a little girl in there crying and do you know how hot it is??? (Extra detail: 27° in the car) Staring at me like i am some sort of child molester aka criminal.
I said: oh dear.. here we have another one who heard the news or radio not to leave baby’s or animals in the car.. it was her own desicion and i gave her hands, she can open up a window!
Offcourse i responded from a point of view knowing my daughter.. although she could mean well.
After paying i went to my car.. oh dear.. my daughter was hiding and crying until.. she saw me. I got in the car and asked: whatsup? Im very hot in here and hungry. Well girl it was your own decision.. you also could have opened the window or not?
On those moments.. maybe it was best if the police came and looked me up for some peace of mind time in jail..
Mind you.. ive got asteroïde isis 4° -juno 9° and talent 8° in capricorn 2nd house..
‘Accepting the dark side of yourself’ is about coming face-to-face with what’s really going on on the inside which shows up in what happens on the outside. It’s seeing the real story behind the story, and releasing ourselves from being stuck in a repetitive loop, a pattern.
This is a great article explaining the process and the goal of doing it – http://stephendpalmer.com/embracing-dark-side/ – this is an excerpt of that article:
“Emotional triggers, reactivity, taking things personally
Someone says or does something and we feel deeply triggered emotionally. We feel personally attacked. We react in anger.
In cases like this, we can know with certainty that the shadow is in play. As spiritual teacher Colin Tipping explains,
“…you can think of people in your life who have ‘pushed your buttons,’ and recognize that they were mirroring something in you that you may have denied, repressed, or projected onto them.”
“Us” versus “them” (creating enemies)
All “us” versus “them” attitudes are functions of the shadow. This is particularly prevalent in politics. Conservatives make liberals their enemies, and vice versa.
We create enemies when we can’t bear to admit that the things we don’t like about our enemies are in us.
Self-righteously judging, pointing fingers, and preaching down to others is classic shadow evidence.
Making the same mistakes over and over again
When we make the same mistakes repeatedly, our shadow conditioning is running the show.
This is made particularly obvious by addictive behaviors. When we turn to our drugs of choice, subconsciously we’re trying to fulfill unmet needs. We turn to the drugs, instead of actually meeting the needs, because the shadow is governing our behavior.”
For instance, in your interaction with your daughter, you ended the retelling of that incident by saying: “On those moments.. maybe it was best if the police came and looked me up for some peace of mind time in jail..” – if you could rewind and get another chance at reliving that day, re-doing that interaction from the start with the knowledge you have now of how you felt at the end of it that day, what would you do differently so that your story doesn’t end with you regretting what happened and feeling the need for some ‘authority’ outside of yourself to come and punish you thus releasing you from something which you feel is burdening you. Is it your own judgment of yourself and the punishment you inflict on yourself which is a burden from which you want a release?
What else was going on in your interaction with your daughter – was it perhaps a reflection and repetition of your relationship with your mother? With perhaps a role reversal where you play your mother and your daughter is you? You said in a previous comment about your relationship with your mother: “I would have appreciated more if my mum discussed her own weaknesses than always thinking she is right.” In the stories you related about that day it sounds like your interactions with others were ones where you were fighting to be in the right over others. But thinking you were always right over others still caused pain. Why?
You mention having South node in the 3rd, which means the North node is in the 9th – the North node is what needs to be developed within us, what doesn’t come naturally and what must be learned, while the South node is what has already been developed, what comes naturally, what has already been learned. South node is the comfort zone we have to leave to explore the discomfort zone of the North node to balance ourselves. A retrograde node doesn’t forfeit its position to the other node, retrograde turns the energy’s focus inwards towards the ‘self’ rather than outwards towards the world outside of us. Your ‘karmic’ path forward lies where the North node is located – this is where you must walk now, the South node is the ‘karmic’ path you walked previously to get to where you are now.
This is a write up about North node in 9th – https://truenode.org/north-node-by-house/north-node-in-9th-house/ – it’s interesting considering the stories you shared in your comment, and in previous comments. An excerpt:
“You are too often influenced by your environment, rather than vice versa, and your conflicts with those around you are the universe’s way of bringing this to your attention. Neighbors are an ongoing problem for the north node in 9th house placement. You may have to travel far from your birth place to find the peace you seek. You must detach from your environment enough to observe the world and derive an opinion about it. You need clear senses before you can make the sound judgments required of you in this lifetime. Continue to seek “the truth,” and you will find faith and courage along the way.
Perhaps you find yourself perpetually involved in petty dramas. You do not hesitate to jump into relationships, which become complicated quickly, trapping you in a spider’s web of intrigue on an almost daily basis.”
(it’s worth keeping in mind when reading astrology that much of what is written needs to be understood metaphorically rather than literally – so ‘traveling far from your birth place’ doesn’t necessarily mean physically traveling far away from where you were born, it may mean exploring the realities of others instead of being entrenched in your version of reality, it may mean developing the ability to ‘walk in other people’s shoes’, experiencing their experiences, such as how it feels for them to be on the receiving end of you, etc).
A Saturn and/or Pluto transit always bring with it the opportunity to let go of what no longer works, what restricts, what must metaphorically ‘die’, to create space for change, and for something new to be born in its place. They’re also about the right use of power, and often come with experiences of the wrong use of power to show us clearly through experience how to be more responsible with the power we have. They can be ‘hard’ transits because they force us to face up to things about ourselves which we find uncomfortable, they make us responsible for ourselves and the stuff which happens in our lives – we feel the full force of the ‘3 fingers pointing back at us when we point one finger at someone else’. Capricorn is about personal accountability and responsibility. The buck stops with you – if you don’t like how someone treats you (and that includes how you treat yourself), then why would anyone else like being treated that way? If you abuse your power over others (and that includes the power you have over yourself), it will not only hurt them but will hurt you too. While it can feel harsh, ultimately it leads to a softer, gentler way of being and living, as stated at the end of the article on embracing shadow:
“The only way to deal with the shadow effectively is to accept, embrace, and love it.
This is precisely why Yoda told Luke he wouldn’t need any weapons in the cave. He was trying to tell Luke not to fight against the shadow.
As he explained it, anger, fear, and aggression are the dark side. Fighting against the dark side of the shadow ironically turns us to the dark side.
Unfortunately, many religious and cultural traditions have implicitly taught us to fight against our shadow. To overcome our flaws and recurring mistakes, we try to shame and berate ourselves into submission. We turn everything into a battle.
This we must not do. Resistance only strengthens the shadow.
When Luke asks how we can know when he’s using the Force, Yoda responded, “You will know. When you are calm, at peace…”
We become calm and at peace through self-acceptance and self-compassion. We see the worst in ourselves, and we accept and love it unconditionally.
And as we become at peace within ourselves, we’re able to magnify our compassion and kindness for others. As writer Debbie Ford said,
“Embracing our dark side gives us a newfound freedom to be with the darkness in others. For when I can love all of me, I will love all of you.””
Being gentler with ourselves allows us to be gentler with others, being gentler with others allows us to be gentler with ourselves – the gentleness is of the powerful kind, not the doormat kind.
So, if you could relive the interaction you had with your daughter from start to finish, what would you do differently?
I appreciate your feedback. Many of it i deed read.
Its not i live constant in fighting mode. Its worse when im moody or emotional, i just want to be left alone.
When i surrender and accept everything.. i can read and sense people, in the past i took there burdens and problems home with me.
Trying and doing a lot for them to make them happy..
To many dissapointments and heartbreak created that it must be me.. not good enough.. and literally talked myself into a grave.
I dont know what i could have done different with my daughter..
I did accept her mood and choice, just not that behaviour afterwards.
She made a choice and later on finding out by a stranger she’s what.. changed her mind? Is playing up and causing drama??
I just didnt go along with the drama.
At the dinner table we discussed it as a family.
I told her what her behaviour caused.
And her choice she made.
Well… my father and i clashed a lot as well. He’s a leo and i’m a taurus, could be the □ thing. My daughter is a leo too. My son is a taurus and they clash sometimes.
I can walk and understand other people or their needs very good.
But i find it hard, to adress mine.
Nowadays i want peace.. then today a ( stranger ) 82 year old cap came up tp me to chat and said: you know.. we are beeing pushed about in life..
So i must be feeling 82 inside feeling pushed to move forward in life?? Nearly tired of life..?
Ok.. i wonder who i’ll meet tomorrow with a message..lol maybe the death reaper..
(Sorry sarcasm took over).
Oooh today i saw a https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death%27s-head_hawkmoth
We went to a butterfly safari today for my daughters party.. again interesting the stages of a butterfly..
That reflects our life as well.
2) larve, hungry for knowledge and “eat” your surrounding
3) puppet, “death-like” process it all.. very stiff and transforming
4) Adult, fly untill you die..
And offcourse the tourguide explained: you have day butterflies and night ones..
With cancer in 9th house.. its quite mystical.. Sometimes its scary i can read so much of people. I can philosophy/ daydream/ the forever caretaker (which can dragg me down as well.. its always give give give..).
Some things are right. In the description. My sister is/ was in a lot of care. She was draining me.. i wanted to lift of my career in something.
I was a mom at 20, my boy needed extra care and help. If it wasnt him always somebody to pop up in my scene who needed care and i felt like the only person appointed to help, out of morality and feeling responsible.
And at times i felt betrayed, i caught them on lies, pure self interest, treating me as their free caretaker while i could put the same efforts in for paid work for my own family. We were on survival mode a lot. So i had to make choices. And guess what..
Hardly no contact. And i did try..
So quickly i checked the asteroïde narcissus. My partner 7th/ father 4th (with saturn) and my mother (1st house with saturn) have it on 24°/ 25° in saggitarius. Conjunct my neptune 26° and lilith 24° (my 2nd house).
Ive got it in my 6th house 25° aries ( a trine with them) opposite my pluto R in libra 25° 12th house.
But ive found out.. i have asteroïde “blanco” exact conjunct narcissus.
I must have been oblivious to it.. thinking everybody is the same.. with needs and wants.. but always thought as long if its fair or a win-win situation = everybody happy.. silly me..
Mind you ive also experienced weird phenomena’s with 9th house..
Clairvoyance stuff.. messages of deceased ( ○ _ ○ ) people.. knowing information that they tride to hide.. some people called me a witch.. so ive stopped telling and reading people.. maybe because it shifted in my 8th house progression.
As i told you i have isis- juno and talent at 8° / 9° capricorn and my part of death is at cancer 8° (opposites). Mercury is 9° cancer just past my part of death.. maybe thats why it triggered my interest in death.
At 4 december (my moms birthday) this year.. my part of death cancer 8° is conjunct my IC opposite saturn 8° at mc with pluto in 10th.
4 December 2019 the north node is conjunct my part of death.
I did read horrible things in forensic horary.. but havent figured it out yet.
I found out through you that I’m Scorpio rising and also that according to my horoscope I’m a bit difficult? Undesirable? Like most people, I can be at times. I don’t worry about it too much. I’m desirable to the people who count. And besides, Scorpios appreciate Capricorns. Challenging your inner truth is a very good thing. 🙂
I bet if you and I had a competition to see who is more difficult and undesirable… I’d win 😉 or I might let you win… teehee 😀
Don’t forget your wonderful Leo Sun – it shines so much and warms everyone it shines upon! You can see it clearly in the way you interact online, you’re a very generous soul, and so beautifully charming in the right manner of being charming, just naturally lovely. Your Scorpio rising gives you an edge which is good to have when you’re as kind as you are.
Lately I’ve found myself really liking Sun signs I used to find irritating… I think I may be melting into a drippy puddle 😀
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Hahaha. Drippy puddles are good too. 😀
Thank you so very much for the lovely compliment – it has absolutely warmed my heart, wonderful Little Bear. ❤
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