My own individual, stubborn, uncooperative often self-centered nature that still doubts itself

[Please note: This is a repost of a post published in March 2014.

Why did I pick this post to repost?

Because it occurred to me this morning that this Repost series may be signalling the end of An Upturned Soul. Maybe the end has already arrived and this is a period of reviewing the life that has been while the life is ebbing away or after the life is over.

Other thoughts which also occurred to me this morning:

1 – upon waking I had a very clear insight into one of my core life issues (I had been thinking about this the day before so it wasn’t random). And funnily enough one of the posts I wrote in March 2014 which I re-read today touched upon that issue – Origin Story – I Belong in the land of Not Belonging – but then again so do many of my posts, maybe even all of them… since it is a core issue.

2 – maybe watching film/TV (and reading fiction) is like lucid dreaming only with added extra lucidity. Perhaps that’s why TV/Film has become such an intricate part of modern life (part of modern life seems to include less and less time to sleep… thus less time for REM – which studies have shown is valuable for overall health. If we’re not getting it from the inside we may find ways to get it from outside). This particular thought sent a shiver of ‘must explore this idea some more’ through me.

Many of the posts I wrote in March 2014 contained references to TV shows and films I’d watched at the time which had given me insights into myself, my story, my story with others and their stories with me and with themselves, etc.

Recently I’ve been fascinated with K-drama – so much so that atm I can’t watch anything else (except the World Cup, of course), because everything else, especially US dramas with their never-ending-stories (always hoping and aiming for another season, another season, another season… most K-dramas seem to only have one season and that’s that, the end), just pales in comparison. There’s just something about K-drama which…

which has lead me to explore South Korean politics, history and culture to understand more about why I’m hooked on K-drama and what K-drama reflects (What am I really seeking to understand? Not sure yet).

From reading dramabeans, I have jumped to reading Ask A Korean (whom I found through dramabeans) – both of which are blogs written by immensely talented and passionate individuals.

One of the posts I wrote in March 2014 – Everybody should eavesdrop once in a while… – is sort of about what happens when we explore blogs, and the lives of others. The blogs we like… why do we really like them, what do we really get from them?

I’m not sure yet what will happen to An Upturned Soul once I’ve finished reviewing what once happened here – am I working my way through to an ending, or working up to a new beginning, or…

If you’re into astrology, it’s worth pointing out that tomorrow there’s a partial solar eclipse in Cancer which involves transiting Pluto – which in astrology is considered a representative of ‘death’, usually in a metaphorical manner (fun sort of fact – most of the K-dramas I’ve watched and read via recap thus far include a heavy dose of death… and rebirth). This eclipse is in orb of my natal Sun in Capricorn in the 5th house (a house which represents, amongst other things, creativity and creative creations – like a blog) and my natal Saturn in Aries in the 8th house (a house which also has a connection to ‘death’).

For more details on this eclipse astrologically:

Cancer Solar Eclipse: Who’s Driving? (and this which provides details on when an eclipse aspects natal positions – Eclipse Aspects to Natal Planets: The Narrative of Change)

So…

that’s that.

For now…]

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MSH82_st_helens_spirit_lake_reflection_05-19-82Mount St. Helens 1982

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“I look up at the sky, wondering if I’ll catch a glimpse of kindness there, but I don’t. All I see are indifferent summer clouds drifting over the Pacific. And they have nothing to say to me. Clouds are always taciturn. I probably shouldn’t be looking up at them. What I should be looking at is inside of me. Like staring down into a deep well. Can I see kindness there? No, all I see is my own nature. My own individual, stubborn, uncooperative often self-centered nature that still doubts itself–that, when troubles occur, tries to find something funny, or something nearly funny, about the situation. I’ve carried this character around like an old suitcase, down a long, dusty path. I’m not carrying it because I like it. The contents are too heavy, and it looks crummy, fraying in spots. I’ve carried it with me because there was nothing else I was supposed to carry. Still, I guess I have grown attached to it. As you might expect.” ― Haruki Murakami

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Have you ever seen the end approaching?

But the approaching end does not instill you with fear.

It does not make you want to turn in the opposite direction and run to get away from it.

Not that you would be able to get away.

The heaviness of the old which was once new, which turned to stone.

The lightness of chaos made burdensome by order.

Weighing on your shoulders, working its way down to your feet, turning them into lead.

An agile dance now a clumsy stomp.

Running with gravity boots on a planet held together by gravity, of feeling, of thought.

Water and air, frozen, hard, a glacier, an ice age.

You just stand still and observe the approaching end.

It does not make you want to run towards it either, to hurry the ending up because watching it gradually approach is an agonising wait.

Because the wait is not agonising at all.

There is something peaceful about it. Not a floating hopeful peace, but an earthbound accepting peace.

The approaching end offers a release once it arrives.

But for now you feel the pressure of its energy.

Heat, wind, particles of glass hitting you and tearing atom-sized pieces off, carrying them away and behind you.

For a second you have a sense of loss for those pieces, attachment severed, then it goes, the piece is a meteor, the loss is its tail.

Some of those pieces are needs, which once seemed so vital, you needed that need, now you don’t, you thought you couldn’t live without it, without it you still live.

That was my life, now this is my life.

That was a small death of my life.

The end approaching is another death, perhaps permanent, perhaps a cloud of pyroclastic flow which will kill off all that which must die, yet it too will die and leave.

This is not about death, this is not about life.

This is about a moment in between.

The land in between.

The third place, the third option.

This is not about us, there is no us.

This is not about them, there is no them.

Within us there is you and me.

Another us versus another them, a thee. Us is you and them is me. You versus me.

Within them there is a he, a she, a me.

This is about me.

And soon the me that was will be gone.

And the me that remains, may be just that, remains.

A me but not me.

Remains which settle and become a part of the earth.

Fertilising.

Foundations.

A space for new life to emerge.

An approaching end carrying with it a new beginning.

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8 thoughts on “My own individual, stubborn, uncooperative often self-centered nature that still doubts itself

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    1. Thank you very much 🙂 That’s very thoughtful!

      I was thinking aloud. I’ve found that it helps to do that to clarify the mind. Sometimes when you say a thought out loud it dissipates into nothingness, sometimes it concretises, sometimes you realise that thought was stupid, sometimes you realise it was spot on, and sometimes it’s a bread crumb that needed to be thrown out perhaps to be followed, perhaps to feed the birds 😉 Not sure what will actually happen, that will reveal itself later.

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  1. I wondered if you might be considering closing out your blog. Everything runs its course. I am enjoying your retrospective (particularly this piece, which is so lyrical and almost ethereal – beautifully written) which has lead to a sort of retrospective for me also since I have been happily reading your thinking for so long. 🙂

    Whatever you decide, I will be both happy and sad (happy for you in your moving on, sad for me), but that’s also how it should be. 🙂

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    1. Thank you very much 🙂

      I’m not going to make any decisions about it, I’m just going to let it decide for itself – this blog has always had a life of its own, has always done its own thing, and has lived far longer than a lot of my other creations.

      Btw, past-you commented on this post back in 2014 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I know how you feel about US shows- Americans don’t know how to let go. If it were up to the fanboy/girls a show would run for all eternity. That’s why I find myself watching a lot of European shows- I love British shows, 4 episodes a series all questions answered.
    I hope you don’t end your work, you touch many.

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    1. Thank you very much 🙂

      One of the things I like about watching TV shows from different countries is that it gives you an insight into the psyche of that country. They’re a bit like a nation’s dreamscapes, what goes on in the subconscious. As you watch you enter that dream and it works its way into your psyche too, influencing it, offering optional ways of experiencing life and self and others.

      The shows which go on and on and on are excellent for learning how to observe the same pattern repeating – and what that pattern needs to keep repeating. Observing it on a show can help to see it in our own lives. It’s also interesting to compare who we are (or where we are in our who we are story) with the shows which appeal to us and the ones which don’t appeal to us but may have once appealed to us. Narcs are like soap operas 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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