[Please note: This is a repost of a post published in August 2014.
If you’re sick and tired of reading-hearing that this is a repost… why haven’t you told me that?
The comments on old posts may be closed, but comments on new posts are open to you sharing and expressing yourself with me.
Your comment doesn’t have to be relevant to the new post.
I’m not sick and tired yet of doing this repost series. When I do get to that point, I’ll probably keep going for awhile because I tend to keep going even when I’m aware that I want to stop – that’s an old habit which has sometimes served me well (although I can’t think of an anecdotal example atm), and at other times it’s been the wrong decision (I probably have more anecdotal examples of this, but my mind is still rather blank). Sometimes I keep going just to make sure something is the wrong thing to do (especially if other people are involved in whatever it is). Sometimes watching myself do the wrong thing for myself is rather fascinating.
Many of my posts in August 2014 were fragmented like this one (some more than this). I’m kind of in a similar frame of mind at the moment, which is partly why I’m not writing new posts. I kept writing new posts back then because I needed to do that then, but now… well, now it seems more like I need to go over what I did before (in some ways the blurb before the repost is a new post).
Every now and then I wander off the edge and tumble into an abyss – I’ve done this enough times to suspect that what appears to be the abyss ain’t the abyss. Maybe it is and I’m weirdly suited to that place, more so than to what isn’t the abyss. I’ve always been more gifted in the useless skills department…
Fragmented thinking (and tumbling into the abyss) usually occurs when reality as we think we know it suddenly isn’t any longer.
a relationship ending which you thought would last forever, you never saw the end coming and still can’t accept that it has ended because for you it is still going on, but for the other person it ended awhile ago but they’ve only just shared that info with you or maybe you discovered it in a too painful to compute manner. Your version of reality and the other person’s version of reality are not the same – which one is the real version of reality?
That relationship could be romantic, familial, a job, a home, a dream, an ambition… and the ending could be caused by a sudden death, a disaster, a betrayal, a sudden reckoning, confrontation, a change of circumstances, or any number of other things.
We can have relationships with belief systems, and if those fail abruptly (especially when we need them the most), it can leave us flailing in a void looking for something, substance, to cling onto to stop us from falling and flailing – anything will do.
What happens within us during such a ‘failure’ in the regular running and maintenance of our known ‘reality’ is often diagnosed by psycho-logy as ‘cognitive dissonance’.
“Sometimes people hold a core belief that is very strong. When they are presented with evidence that works against that belief, the new evidence cannot be accepted. It would create a feeling that is extremely uncomfortable, called cognitive dissonance. And because it is so important to protect the core belief, they will rationalize, ignore and even deny anything that doesn’t fit in with the core belief.” ― Frantz Fanon
When reality as I know it falls apart for me, I tend to let everything fall apart, curious to see what happens once what previously was reality is replaced by a new reality. During that in between time I float through a space filled with fragments – some fragments disappear, others collect together and merge into the next reality as I know it.
I’ve always been a bit detached from reality.
I don’t have any core beliefs, at least not ones which can’t withstand a shift in known reality. This is partly due to growing up and living with Narcissists whose reality is constantly falling apart, being replaced, being rewritten, etc – the romcom becomes a tragedy, the melodrama becomes a farce, the variety show becomes an execution, the villain becomes a hero and the hero becomes a villain, the news is always fake. If you live in this kind of reality which is constantly changing… you get used to keeping your ‘core beliefs’ simple and ready to move without any warning.
One reality usually holds multiple realities within it… we see the version we want to see, what we want to see can be fickle.
I mentioned my dyslexia in this post – in some realities dyslexia is a learning disability, in others it’s a sign of hidden genius (similarly to Aspergers), some people get cheered for conquering it, others get jeered for having it, it makes us belong, it makes us outcasts, it sells a lot of commercial fixes, in some realities grants are given to study it and come up with theories which aren’t really helpful to those who have it but maybe they are in a different reality, and I sometimes wonder what would be the reality of it if those with dyslexia had pipped those without it to the post of deciding what’s normal and what is not normal in humans.
There’s a character in a TV series I’ve just finished watching who constantly stated that they had an IQ over 100 to define how intelligent they were – why are we so certain that an IQ test can define (real and useful) intelligence, I mean, who defined the intelligence of the people who created the IQ test, and other questions like that. If you look at the state of the world as we think we know it… and if those in charge of decisions affecting it all scored high on an IQ test… why is there still poverty, why is there still starvation, why is there still war, why doesn’t everyone get free healthcare, why do some people have no home while others have more than one – do they really need more than one roof for their one head, why are we still arguing over things which we should have solved by now, and why are we still causing so much havoc and pain and suffering when we should really have learned not to do that by now because no one likes that kind of experience and we’ve all experienced that in one form or another.
We pat ourselves and others on the back for giving to charity, for committing random acts of kindness (mostly for strangers), and then we’re petty and mean to those we know, justifying it as retribution for some slight they maybe didn’t even know they’d done to us. So and so forgot our birthday, ignored us when we wanted attention, so we’re going to be cold and dismissive to them to pay them back… but karma won’t bite us because we contributed to some charity, because we believe we’re good people.
Why do we want the worst of the worst to happen to people we once loved and once wished for the best to happen to them?
Why do we love it when something awful happens to someone we don’t know except through the media…
Are we thinking for ourselves or being brainwashed into thinking our thoughts are ours but they’re not?
Why is being a human being such a constant mess of realities colliding and clashing?
How can we hate ourselves and love ourselves at the same time? Can we really do that? Which one affects our relationship with others the most? Which one dictates our core beliefs and the version of reality we want to see the most?
What if hate and love didn’t exist, weren’t actually real – what if we only think those concepts are real?
I’m nuts, so don’t mind me or my words… these are all just fragments of a fragment.]
Ausschnitt Babel by Jens K Müller
“I must be myself. I will not hide my tastes or aversions.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
I can’t recall how long it took me to learn that sharing my views, my tastes and aversions, was an unpopular course of action.
It was a painful process which started when I was a child.
Which caused much confusion in my developing mind.
Which may have even influenced the wiring in my brain to get scrambled,
and resulted in dyslexia.
Sometimes when reading, my eyes see the opposite of what is written.
Sometimes when listening, my ears hear things which have not been said.
I often curse my stupid brain and the errors of its ways.
There are times when people express the opposite of what they think,
when what they say hides what they truly want to say.
Because I am not the only person who has learned in a long and painful way that sharing my views, my tastes and aversions, is an unpopular course of action.
“The smart way to keep people passive and obedient is to strictly limit the spectrum of acceptable opinion.” – Noam Chomsky
When we agree with others, others reward us with acceptance.
We make them feel good about themselves, and they in turn allow us to feel good about ourselves.
When we disagree with others, they reject us.
We make them feel bad about themselves, and they return the favour.
Of course, it’s more complicated than that,
everything is, everyone is.
We strive to simplify the complexity of being, of life.
We create formulas to sum things up,
pop it in a box and tie a bow around it,
adding a label which says – this is this and that is that!
And so say all of us,
don’t you agree,
with the popular opinion.
“Everything popular is wrong.” – Oscar Wilde
There are those who think that agreeing with the popular opinion is an unpopular opinion.
For each popular opinion there is an equal and opposite unpopular opinion,
and each side of the seesaw is popular
with its respective tribe,
its social group,
“…it wasn’t that I was anti-popular culture or anything and I had no ambition to stir things up. I just thought of mainstream culture as lame as hell and a big trick. It was like the unbroken sea of frost that lay outside the window and you had to have awkward footgear to walk with.” – Bob Dylan
Sometimes this hokey pokey song and dance is all about,
what is in,
and sometimes it also about what is out,
as a contrast,
a movement needed to balance the body,
lest it fall over,
from leaning too far,
one way or the other.
Sometimes what is in,
becomes what is out,
and the rules of popular are shaken all about.
“Science, like life, feeds on its own decay. New facts burst old rules; then newly divined conceptions bind old and new together into a reconciling law.”
– William James
At some point after I learned that sharing my views, my tastes and aversions, was an unpopular course of action, I retreated into silence.
But silence was unpopular too.
“To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.” ― Elbert Hubbard
And so I devised a new course of action,
a blending of the old and the new,
of lessons learned,
of lessons to be unlearned,
of lessons yet to be learned.
It’s a work in progress…
or at least that is what I call it,
others may call it something else entirely.
This ramble through my thoughts was inspired by – The Daily Prompt: Matters of Taste
When was the last time a movie, a book, or a television show left you cold despite all your friends (and/or all the critics) raving about it? What was it that made you go against the critical consensus?
Hidden within my post is my answer.
A clue – It’s in plain view.
A clue too – 143 minutes minutes of my life which I wish I could get back to waste on something else. Usually when I watch a film which leaves me cold, I stop watching, but for some reason I stuck it out, perhaps because I hoped to see why it was popular. Sometimes hope is just a coping mechanism for pain which is being ignored (this is a hint).
My dyslexia has fun altering the title to reflect my opinion of it. I rarely share those permutations. Not every opinion needs to be shared… or maybe it does. I haven’t figured that out yet.
I like reading your reposts, either because I missed them in the first place or I have completely forgotten them. 🙂
I see your intros as being new posts linked to the old ones because you’re ruminating/noodling/ considering content from the old post and its relevance to you now. I know you know this, but sometimes it helps to hear someone else’s reframing and/or questions. (I apologise if I’m asking questions you’ve already asked yourself. 🙂 ) Why choose these particular old posts at this particular time? Why not just say good-bye and stop blogging? Many people before you have and it’s not an unusual occurrence on WP. Is there something about moving on that’s a bit scary – there’s been this narcissistic-infected life that you have had to dig through and excavate in order to be you, but something like that, so consuming, so think-intensive, can also be comforting. Leaving it, feeling like your work might be mostly complete, is like retiring. Time to move on, but …
The questions you ask in your intro are much larger – you’ve asked these types of questions before but this time you seem more intent. And in your original post you are quite hard on yourself. Could you be hammering yourself for wanting to move away from blogging, the thing that helped you to think through? These are my impressions for whatever they’re worth. Be gentle with yourself. ❤
And btw, I couldn’t figure out the clue in your post. The last thing I watched that I forced myself through was season 2 of a British series called Dr Foster. The first season sort of worked and I thought the second season might be better developed but it wasn’t. The narcissists in this series (there are lots of them) became caricatures.
And, my ex-narcissist didn’t stop bragging about his IQ ( a ridiculous notion – how can you measure intelligence anyway? All it does is stick people in boxes.) – 162, according to him. Mensa quality, apparently. It came up repeatedly during his hoover attempts. Malcolm Gladwell does an interesting analysis of IQ in his book “Outliers.”
Thank you very much for your feedback, Lynette, it’s much appreciated 🙂
I totally agree that it helps to hear someone else’s perspective. And there’s absolutely no need to apologise for asking questions which I may have already asked myself – why did you feel the need to apologise? Why does it matter if you ask questions which I may have already asked myself? Besides when someone else asks you a question you’ve already asked yourself, the question is different even if it sounds the same because the voice asking it will ask it differently, the meaning of it and reason for it being asked offers a new perspective, and it’s coming from outside the self rather than from inside, plus many other variables.
The intro I wrote is made up of fragments which decided to hang out together in words on a page. That’s one of the things I like about blogging, especially doing it off the cuff. All these seemingly random thoughts, feelings, etc, merge to create a picture, and then you have to guess what that picture is portraying.
Sometimes what I’m looking for shows up in how I react to a post after I press publish on it. Such as – Why did I say that? Why does that matter to me enough to say it out loud? Why does that bother me? Why is that still bothering me? What am I really trying to tell myself? Why do I want to delete that? Why do I want to edit it now? Why is that particular thing standing out now when before it seemed trivial and I didn’t notice it then?
The mini rant about IQ was partly due to reading the news, and partly due to watching and reading too many Kdramas (one of the things/tropes they keep showing is how easily it is to get into debt in South Korea and how that debt can ruin people’s lives sometimes for generations, how it leads to corruption which becomes endemic, because people find themselves forced to do things they might not have done otherwise due to trying to survive the crushing force of debt, and once people take that path they cover it up, cover their asses, cover the asses of others, etc).
What you said about your narc-ex is one of the things which was bugging me. Let’s just say that he did actually get 162 on an IQ test (it’s not unusual for a narcissist to have a high IQ, as their mental acuity is very central to their being) – How has having a high IQ improved his life and the lives of those around him? Has he used his high IQ to solve problems or has he used it to create problems? A high IQ result simply means that a person has the ability to score well on an IQ test. It can’t tell you what sort of human they are beyond that, it won’t tell you how they’ll use that skill and that high IQ. The corporate world is populated by people with high IQ’s – How’s that working out for humanity? For society? For the planet?
The blurb about dyslexia was mainly just me getting irritated by how my mind works and doesn’t work – I have to study for a test atm, and I just can’t focus on the info I have to learn, it goes in one eye and out the other. It’s okay if I fail the test repeatedly, but I would like to ace it the first time because it requires traveling to take it, so I’ve been putting it off… which is pissing me off at myself. So, that’s really what I was fragmentedly wittering on about. It’s not the blog/blogging, it’s this other thing that I’m watching myself doing which I would like to stop doing.
The clue – Ohhhhhhhhh, now I see why I said it was in plain view!!!! When I reread this post I had no idea what I was talking about regarding the ‘clue in plain view’, and frankly I didn’t think it mattered. I did remember which movie I watched all the way through and wished I hadn’t. I still friggin’ hate that film, and think it’s a pretentious load of overly-intellectual twaddle. It’s in the title of the Jens K Müller painting – ‘Babel’.
I haven’t seen Dr. Foster, when I checked it out it sounded a bit boring. I don’t watch that many UK shows anymore. The last one I watched was Unforgotten, both of the seasons I’ve seen are pretty good (I saw season 2 first – each season is its own story). It’s an interesting formula, and the two lead actors are excellent. One of the reasons why I watch less UK and US shows is due to them having too many narcissists in them, sometimes including the lead (Suits was just all narcissists). Mind you there are a hella lot of sociopaths in Kdrama, and it’s beginning to become tiresome.
Thank you again for sharing your perspective – when in doubt, share it!! Imo, that’s part of the meaning of life 🙂
You’re welcome. 🙂
When you asked why I apologised I had to think about it for a while. I believe (for the moment) that I did it out of habit. I had already mentioned reframing and to then apologise for doing so really didn’t make much sense. I will consider it some more but I think it’s also possible that I fell back into an old habit of making sure that I haven’t offended. It has materialised a couple of other times very recently without my complete notice and so I need to be vigilant about when it’s coming up and what I’m feeling at the time. I have been very busy with work and a lot of stress from it lately (my boss is terminally ill but still working). I’m also considering a number of different work permutations atm. I am at home in the Okanagan now for holidays and relaxing though – I’ve been spending time on the beach over the last week – very much needed.
Malcolm Gladwell talks about high IQ in “Outliers”. Your thinking sounds a lot like his, and certainly, my ex-narc used his intelligence to create problems rather than to improve himself or others. I did not find him to be particularly intelligent in any area and I thought his insistence on it was a load.
I wish you good good luck with your test. 🎯 I have been taking a few of them lately and I find them more and more unpleasant as I age (and I somehow find them irritating too).
I’ve never watched Babel and from the sounds of it, I won’t be. I am leaning a lot toward UK and European shows along with some Canadian ones but documentaries have been grabbing my attention a lot.
I will share my perspective – it is part of the meaning of life. 🙂
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Babel…the painting and the movie is 143 minutes.
Watching yourself do the wrong things or avoiding to do the right thing is fascinating indeed. I get that, done that a couple of times before or maybe more, lost count. Sometimes it is an appetite for destruction, sometimes to see how they/it weathered the storm/catastrophe…
I’m in a trance like state these few days…haha, last night i was flipping my books, scrolling the web fanatically looking for an answer, but I found none, gave up at four-thirty, went to bed for two hours, and so in a daze at work today lol
I actually missed my own clue in plain sight when I reread and reposted this, and only got it sometimes later, although I was aided by the fact that I still remember which films I wished I hadn’t watched, and Babel is at the top of that list.
I’m also feeling rather spaced out these days – although being spaced out is a fairly usual mental state for me. I kind of feel as though I’ve been in a trance for this entire year. It’s been a weird year. Astrologically Mercury has just gone retrograde, and Mars is retrograde in Aqua, quite a few planets are in retro atm, so going forwards may seem like going backwards or being in limbo.
Very much depends on the type of answer being sought, but sometimes the answer is in the inability to find an answer = there is no answer/or there isn’t one specific answer. Some puzzles are solved by admitting that you don’t know how to solve them – sometimes the answer comes when you stop trying to find it. But of course if what you need is a definite answer to a definite question… it can be very frustrating not to find it. Sometimes the answer lies within the question, requires new questions to be asked, or in exploring the querent (if the person who asked the question isn’t you, look at where the eyes, mind and heart of that person are focused).
The world can be very intriguing when you walk through it in a daze – everything can appear different, and new views can be glimpsed.
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I’d like to share a post with she-Mowgli 😉 https://rhapsody.riddlesnreveries.com/2019/03/19/默契
Thank you, Reverist 🙂
Ah… tacit understanding, a very powerful bond.
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