[This is a repost of a post published in February 2015.
It’s amusing reading what I wrote back then, especially as I know what happened next (even though some of it is now a blur in the archive of memory). I did buy a house, and strangely enough I sometimes refer to this house as being made of sand.
It’s the kind of structure which needs a lot of fixing… or does it?
This house has answered that question: If you were a house, what kind of house would you be?
And this blog post is pretty much the answer to: If you were a blog post, what kind of blog post would you be?]
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If you observe life and yourself living it for long enough you begin to notice recurring patterns.
Some of these patterns are attractive designs, they please the eye and when they are active things flow smoothly as if by magic. Others are garish, harsh and hurt the eyes, and when these are active everything seems to go wrong and nothing you do seems to go right.
More often than not the different patterns in life work together – so, for instance, something will go wrong, causing a lot of struggle against a fierce current, just as you’re about to give up and let yourself drown, suddenly the tide will turn and the current will carry you along and plop you onto a beautiful beach, where you will be greeted by a friendly face who offers you a refreshing cocktail and a soft fluffy towel.
That reminds me of a dream I had last night where I became focused on the texture of sand. It was fine and felt like silk to the touch. I forgot all about the fact that I was lost in the middle of the desert dying of thirst, and waxed lyrical about the intense beauty of the tiny particles.
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White Desert by Adonis Werther
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That’s a regular pattern in my life, in me. In the middle of some harrowing experience which feels as though it is crushing the will to live out of me, I’ll find myself focusing on something intensely beautiful and for a while I’ll be in the eye of a storm, serene as chaos rages around me.
This pattern can be found in my astrology chart, as can many of the other patterns of my life. Which is something that I find fascinating – to see something I know so viscerally, personally, reflected and explained by something which… well, how could something outside of me, created by people who do not know me or my life, know anything about what it is like to be me, to be inside of me, to live as I live.
Astrology really does not know anything about you personally, however it is a science which studies patterns, and has been doing so for hundreds of years. Certain patterns are universal, hard-wired into human nature because they are a part of the nature of this planet.
Feel free to argue convincingly against astrology (and anything else that I say) with me if that’s one of your patterns. I should however mention (a waste of breath pattern perhaps) that I have counter patterns to that kind of scenario. These can be found in my chart, particularly if you look at my Sun and the planets aspecting it – Pluto and Saturn.
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At the moment Pluto and Saturn are in focus in my chart due to transits of those planets to those planets (and others) in my natal chart. Intense and heavy are the theme of the moment for me, and have always been a life theme for me.
When I was younger this type of energy, and the patterns it creates, instigates, stimulates, sets off, was traumatic and difficult to deal with, not just for me but for others too – but frankly in those days how it affected others was the least of my concerns, as is always the case when you’re caught up in your inner hell and your pain blots out the pain of others. And if the pain and inner hell of others is part of the reason why you’re experiencing your hell and pain…
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These days a trip into Pluto and Saturn hell is not dissimilar to a weekly foray to the local supermarket. It’s still hellish, but the darkness is a friend now, and I’ve learned to focus on the beautiful contained within the horror, and appreciate the texture and design of garish and harsh patterns. It doesn’t mean I like them, it, but you don’t have to like something to see its value. Sometimes it has more value because it is impossible to like – ‘like’ is overrated.
Which reminds me of something I noticed the other day on my Pinterest timeline. Someone I am following likes beautiful interiors, modern masterpieces of expensive design.
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Tribeca Loft, NY by Andrew Franz Architect
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While someone else I am following likes decayed decadence, interiors which were once upon a time modern masterpieces of expensive design, but which have long since been abandoned.
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Moth Castle RM by MMG Zegwaard
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The juxtaposition between their pins as they merged on my timeline struck me as very fitting of the Pluto and Saturn vibe, as Saturn represents structure and Pluto often destroys structure. It destroys to rebuild, and Saturn is very adept at rebuilding when something has been destroyed. But when Saturn rebuilds the process is slow, as it likes to sift through the rubble to decide what to keep and what must be sacrificed, is no longer needed.
For a moment, as I looked at the juxtaposed images, my mind flipped the scenario around and saw the new, expensive, modern design of today as it would look in the future, crumbled, decayed, abandoned.
I’m considering buying a home at the moment. I’ve always been a gypsy where home was concerned (Sagittarius on the 4th house cusp), yet I’ve dreamed of owning my own little kingdom, just never got around to doing it – patterns again. And in exploring this idea of finally settling down, I keep noticing how illusional and delusional the world of property is (as well as questioning my own delusions and illusions about it).
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The Cosmic Cabinet by Mariana Palova
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Saturn is transiting over my Neptune (and IC). This can be a bubble burster, reality suddenly turning off dreams’ radio causing the dreamer to hear what is actually there, but it is also a good time to create some very solid foundations. Transiting Saturn is also squaring transiting Neptune, which is on my Venus (thus Saturn is squaring that too – bringing the heavy real to love of all kinds). My Moon is also caught up in this, so my emotional realm is uncertain of itself in ways which tie into what Pluto is up to, sitting on my Sun, squaring my natal Saturn – which is being zapped by transiting Uranus.
The world as I know it is falling apart like the Tower in Tarot, in slow motion, in a manner which I can’t help but view as rather beautiful. Each shard glints in the light held within it, there is a sense that in the shattering something is being released.
The hourglass has broken, letting tiny particles of sand loose. Each one sparkling like a tiny hard diamond, tough as nails yet so soft to the touch.
Endings and beginnings all blending together… is a pattern for me, my life – I have Pluto (and Uranus) in the 1st house of being me, Pluto trines my Sun and Saturn squares it, both bear down upon me with intensity and heaviness, honing and destroying to rebuild, again and again…therefore if I were to stop blogging forever, it would just happen, and my last words would not be ones which I knew were last words when I wrote and posted them. They would probably be – see you tomorrow…
An Upturned Soul 
Reading this post reminds me of a mental image from more than decade ago. It was the opening of Langham Place Office Tower in the midst of Mong Kok, Hong Kong. I was contemplating the stark contrast of the modern skyscraper adjoined with a 5-star hotel next to the sleazy streets of MK. Not that such a sight was uncommon around the peninsula but that day I saw something else. I walked down the street looking across the other side, all of a sudden those men in handsome suits, women in pretty dresses appeared mechanical/lifeless to me. For the first time I appreciated the rowdy street crowd surrounding me, they were tangible, raw and full of life (though struggling with life) which filled me with the substance of being alive.
I noticed too the patterns in life. In Buddhist literature, samsara – death, rebirth, the cycle of repeated events we are all living in…how we react and deal with it now will twitch the properties of the next series. Normally. On the other hand, there is Avici hell (無間道 – English direct translate ‘non-stop way’), applying the concept of it to our world becomes a series of unaltered repeated events, no matter what you do before or after will not change anything in the next repeat episode. This kinda sounds like the sufferings of a child of Narcissist or the Narcissist self. Ahh…now I can better relate the anguish in your NDP-related posts. The late 2000s, I was living tirelessly yet not living for myself, days seemed forever in a repeat mode, striding in the tunnel never reaching the other side. Not being able to live as who you are, but living as how they imagined you to be…yes, that was a hell of torture.
I wasn’t remind of the pain becos of your post but by the lyrics from a song when youtube was on auto run last night. That phase was over and now I live my life as I want as who I am, yet when reminded of it, I can still feel that pain like it was yesterday. You are very strong minded for a lady, even much more than a man I’d think at times… Being reminded of that pain, I allowed myself an alcohol spree this weekend. An excuse for drinking. Nice…I’m missing my crush… LOL
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Thank you for sharing 🙂
Your experience in Mong Kok is a wonderful juxtaposition. I love the way you’ve described your vision of it. Very insightful. It goes well with what you’ve said about Samsara.
When I was going through the darkest and most hellish phase of being the child of narcissists, stuck in their version of reality unable to figure out how to escape, I found myself very attracted to the concept of reincarnation. It helped me to view my experiences from the perspective of past life karma. Viewing my parents as people I chose to have as my parents, as part of a life I chose for myself. In other words I was doing all of this to myself to learn something. The only way to escape is by going through it all.
“Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke
I found the concept of Bardo intriguing. Particularly the aspect of it where our attachment to an idea/ideal sucks us into a cycle connected to that idea/ideal. To free ourselves from that cycle we need to understand each part which makes up the whole until we are no longer attached to the idea/ideal – our curiosity is satisfied, our hunger is sated, we can finally let go and mean it this time.
I think what gets us hooked into a cycle the most is a question seeking an answer. That question can be anything and does not have to be asked as a question. It can be fear, love, hate, sadness, a dream, a regret, guilt, joy, a bias/judgment, etc. A missing piece of a puzzle.
I’ve recently been watching the Kdrama – Discovery of Love (aka Discovery of Romance) – it’s a bit different from the usual Kdrama in that it shows several different sides to the same story, and fleshes the characters out so they’re a bit more like real people, complex and conflicted, not so easy to love or hate, boo or cheer. It shows the different views people have of the same relationship and events within it, and how we create our own worst nightmares, repeat problems, and generally mess things up because we’re messed up, because we only see our side of the story and think that’s the correct view of it, and tend to view ourselves as multi-dimensional while viewing others as having less dimension than us. In one scene an ex tells the other ex that their hate kept them attached and unable to break up even after the break up. It’s written by a woman, and the gender bias does show which is a bit irritating, however the male lead is the one who makes the most progress in understanding while the female lead is still being dense and stuck to her version and view of reality. There’s enough balance to make it watchable, interesting, and informative.
Experiences such as addictions are answers to a question we’ve asked.
Sometimes the question was in the form of a judgment about someone else – how could they do that, be that way… I would never do that, be that way… and BANG! you’re sucked into an experience where you end up doing that and being that way. Now you have the answer to your question, plus added extras like having to deal with people who judge you like you used to judge people.
Or, at least, that’s what happens in my life.
Awhile after I started blogging about Narcissists, when a few of my Narcissist posts started getting lots of views… it went to my head and I became increasingly narcissistic in my approach to Narcissists. Luckily I noticed it and was shocked by myself… it was a very informative experience, and answered some gaps in my understanding.
Don’t be hard on yourself for drinking (being hard on ourselves for something tends to make that something’s hold on us stronger, as that hardness may be part of what attached us to the something) understand what the experience is really telling you about yourself and your life story. What question might it be answering – sometimes it’s not the obvious, but is something which may seem unconnected, only seen out of the corner of the eye once we remove our blinkers). What does your drinking allow you to do which isn’t allowed when you’re not drinking? Why isn’t it allowed at other times?
Thank you for saying I’m strong minded. It’s something I often get annoyed with myself about, as there’s a fine line between the pro side of it and the con side of it – hard-headedness (in my father’s homeland it’s known as capu tostu or testa dura). It can lead to hell but can also get through and out of hell once in it… it would be nice not to get myself into hell in the first place. But I have Pluto in the 1st house so… at least 6 months in Hades is part of the bargain 😉 and that placement plus the opposition it’s caught up in tends to create battle of wills scenarios. Sometimes your will has to become a reed in the wind, and sometimes it needs to be something that will break in the wind because that’s a necessary part of the learning curve.
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Thank you for your compliment on how I described my MK vision. It is a huge encouragement for me to continue writing in English. As my thoughts are formulated in my native language, I feel inappropriate/inadequate sometimes when they are expressed in English, doubting the coherency, context and grammar, etc.
Drinking helped me to relax (sometimes escape) from being the uptight person I was during that period when I was not me. Alcohol provided a feeling of detachment and letting go not just during the getting high part but also after the wakening. On rare occasions, there would be a sudden epiphany and things would begin to change the next day. The drink at times would also bring forth creativity in me (this could be due of self-effort though, I think becos it is clearly unlike inspiration that comes from a muse, that which is spontaneous and filled with pure energy). Anyhow the pros sound good so let’s skip the cons for now.
I’ve never been really hard on myself to kick any habit. I’ve been a functioning alcoholic for the past 20 years, thank God! I’m still functioning and in the right mind. However, age is catching up and I should care for my health too. Although my daily dose of alcohol now is relatively small compared to before, I should not take things for granted. My father was a good example of an alcoholic who become dysfunctional in his daily life and finally liver failure took him away. Death is a relief for him I think, he never looked like a happy man to me and maybe didn’t try to be happy at all.
Referring to your latest post, I mostly do not care what people think of me, unless when – what they think of me would in their sequential words/actions directly/indirectly affect the people whom I care about. For this reason, I would never dare think to blog in my native language especially since there will be content about my crush/one-sided love. Her married status is more sensitive than the teacher-pupil dynamic I think and I won’t want any mutual acquaintance in RL to be able to read my blog and link it to her. After some survey, I’m glad no one around me is doing/reading any English blog (such a relief that English is still not prevalent here, especially in written form, though I can’t say the same for younger generation). This way I could write my heart…hmm can I…
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Expressing ourselves is always a bit of an adventure, and sometimes a misadventure even when the language is our native tongue. Particularly when it comes to speaking and writing about our heart. That’s one of the advantages of blogging as when words fail to fully express, a different form of media, music, imagery, etc, can be added to the words.
Your English is excellent, and you’re very adept at expressing yourself using it.
The only drawback I can see is that English isn’t the most poetic of languages for writing the heart. It lacks some of the subtle variations of emotional expression which certain other languages have. English is rather emotionally restrained and contained. However it is useful if you want to keep things private to a degree while speaking about them.
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Yes! You are right, the drawback you talk about is exactly why I always feel my English is inadequate…just couldn’t quite place it 😉 Thanks for pointing that out!!
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So out of curiosity i read the recaps if the Kdrama Discovery of Love and i found this the final recap rather fitting to my crush story, so I sharing it with you, as many times drama seems ridiculous/unreasonable to us, things like these do happen in RL…
(Ha-jin) “But apart from all of that, Yeo-reum and I weren’t fit for each other. If there’s one thing I learned from this relationship…” He falls and lies on the ground as he finishes his thought in a voiceover: “I learned that if she doesn’t love me, I can’t make her. It doesn’t work with effort. I can’t even control my own feelings; how can I control someone else’s?”
This is precisely what I felt with her yet i can’t control my feelings and I realized too that promises made in love only last as long as love is there (this part though pertaining to my ex, kinda remove me from my guilt of not fulfilling my promise to her previously)
Thank you for your mention of the drama really! Reading the recap allowed me to look at my kinda similar situation from another view. Its been a hectic year for me and i have no time to indulge in dramas (not Kdrama though) i used to and I totally agree that dramas can at times reflect and bring realization to our RL 😉
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Please excuse my rambling again. So all this time I harbour a hope that one day I will meet my crush again and perhaps then… Reading the final episode recap of Discovery of Love reminded me of her last text message which I related to Ha-jin’s narration and the female lead’s choice in the end. I felt crushed and let my mind into a dark retreat for two days. I did not want to think anything and maybe just stop thinking. I did however continue working on the blog, change the theme design again, rearrange the format and finally piece together the skeleton of the blog. I’m rather satisfied with all the changes this time, removing a page which initially was meant for her, took down a tag/category and adding in another element which I would not have done before. I suppose during the two days of not thinking I was unconsciously trying to figure out things and I more or less did while making changes to the blog. Now the view becomes more holistic…the blog and my feelings for her 🙂
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That sounds great 🙂
One of the things which stood out for me at the end of Discovery of Love was when both Ha-Jin and Yeo-Reum realise together and separately that they were not able to fully be themselves with each other. They were both in their own ways acting a part, playing a role, when in each other’s company. They were never truly relaxed when together. They were both manipulative and controlling of the other, because they were manipulating and controlling themselves. They both kept secrets from each other. Neither of them knew the other’s heart nor did they feel comfortable sharing what they were really feeling with each other. The anger, the sadness, the pain, was covered over with smiles and politeness. They were both running away from a past trauma, ignoring their dreams, and were both using their relationship as an escape from themselves.
Yeo-Reum needed to confront her grief over her father’s death. Ha-Jin needed to confront his grief over abandoning A-Rim. Both of them needed to learn to have a better and more honest relationship with themselves (Tae-Ha and A-Rim were catalysts for that). They both needed to allow themselves to be themselves, instead of trying to be someone else because being themselves frightened and pained them.
The finale was all about release from self-imposed prisons for Ha-Jin and Yeo-Reum, and for everyone else.
It was a well-crafted observation on the different types, and aspects, of relationship – with the relationship with the self being the one which influences the relationship with others.
The most important relationship in our lives is the one we have with ourselves.
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Oic…hm, I barely managed to skimmed thru the recap hehe…
Yes, agree that the relationship with ourselves is most important. Exactly. I have yet live out my ideal of life, an ideal shaped 20yrs ago – from a movie poster quote…
Let Desire be your Destiny
Short and powerful words, ya? But to live that out, takes a lot…more than courage…
That’s the holistic view i meant…And in the novel, Charles Dickens had wrote alternative ending(s) – i haven’t read the book though- which I only just found out and this quote: I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be. – Great Expectations
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A couple of times I’ve read recaps of episodes I’ve seen and have noticed that what the recapper saw and what I saw in an episode isn’t always the same. In one instance it was so different that I wondered if I had accidentally been reading the recap of a different drama.
What I saw in Discovery of Love was just my interpretation of it, and that’s what I was sharing. What you saw in it while reading the recaps was your interpretation. Both our interpretations are right for each of us separately – in what we see/read we find our own story, a part of it, a version of it.
It’s the same with words. Two people may be using the same word but their definition of it may be different.
And it’s the same with Love. It means different things to different people.
Q: The quote from Great Expectations… do you see it as expressive of your way of loving? Is it also expressive of the way you would like to be loved?
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Ah yes, just like beauty is in the beholder’s eyes…And even we ourselves could perceive the same thing differently on different days/times when our mind is affected by stress or negative emotions 😉
You asked a good question, tbh I only just realised a point that I missed all this time in relation to the second part of your Q. I was reflecting on how different was the way I love each woman and how similar or different those feelings for my crush were in that respect.
So I realised I did at some point of time unconsciously expected the other party to love me like what’s in the quote, for a brief time with my ex, then after with someone new and of course it did not work out becos I was in dire straits and couldn’t fulfill her need for me to be there in the Sates but was hoping she would wait a few years for me and things to pick up before i go look for her.
When I first read the quote, it was my expression of love for my crush. I did acted impulsively at first, I knew the consequences…eh and the best part is i’m kinda regret now what I did. But then again if I did not have such strong feelings for her my pride would never allow me to make the confession. I did questioned myself before how can I be sure those feelings were genuine after all it was only a few months in time. Well, in retrospect, I saw that the past love i had were in a way superficial, I was attracted first by their looks rather than character or mind. The only exception being my first love, she was intelligent and a woman of character these were evident even in those teenage years. We good friends for a number of years and I was a confidante especially in relationships issues. (Haha…overly intelligent women most often make a mess with love issues. I guess that’s why in feudal China men prefer women to be ignorant, so they won’t become a threat/competition in the society for them and men in turn could subdue a strong woman within the four walls of a house with family.) That was a love that seek no reciprocation and over these two decades plus I would still think of her from time to time. None of love I had for the other women before was enough to erase her from my mind. Until I got drowned in feelings for my crush, I found too I no longer think of my first love as I used to. She has already been deleted from my hardware. For my crush, the reality has happened, I can’t undone what I’ve done. She will stay on my mind and the blog, when I think of her sometimes I still get that muse effect and be inspired lol
Ohh! Talking about delete, I accidentally deleted some crucial app files on my desktop last week and now I got to redo the wp site again ouch! Anyhow, thank you for reading my grandfather’s story again 🙂
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Thank you for sharing 🙂
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