Recently Watched: The Laws of Thermodynamics

I watch a lot of TV shows and Films. I am neither proud nor ashamed of it. It’s neither a good activity nor a bad activity, it’s just an activity which I do.

Some people view this activity as good and others view it as bad and some are neutral about it.

I also read a lot. I did a bit too much of that a few weeks ago and ended up straining my eyes. I walked around for the rest of the day with triple vision which was disturbing until I decided to stop fretting about it and explore the experience instead – after all I do have an addiction to viewing things, the world, people, from different perspectives, and this was definitely that.

And I think a lot. Thinking is probably my all time favourite activity. Do I think too much? Maybe, but there are different types of thinking…

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excerpt from The Peak Performance Center: Types of Thinking

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… and I find watching TV shows and Films really useful when it comes to Abstract Thinking (see excerpt above for a quick explanation of that type of thinking).

I love to connect dots. The pictures I make from the dots I connect will most likely look like weird doodles to others, but I’m not doing it for others, I’m doing it for myself. There is something intensely internally exciting and energising about doing it which far outweighs the heavy ugh momentarily experienced when someone else who (only sees the surface of you) tells you that what you’re doing is stupid, a waste of time and effort, useless, etc (I’ve done this to others when I’ve been their someone else who… yeargh! Karma!).

Every now and then I see something which makes me want to rush out and tell everyone else to watch it. Look, look, LOOK! This is amazing!!!

The film – The Laws of Thermodynamics (Las Leyes de la Termodinamica) – is one of those.

It’s written and directed by Mateo Gil, who also wrote Open Your Eyes (Abres Los Ojos).

It’s not a science documentary, so don’t expect the science to be exact or applied correctly, it’s more of a trip into someone else’s abstract thinking where they’re connecting dots for themselves and thrilling energetically in the design which appears before them. It might look like weird doodles to you, or might be part of your connect the dots image.

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If you’re interested in psychology, philosophy, metaphysics… and you’re not too academic about those subjects… there’s all of that in there too.

There a beautiful rendition of the concept of Karma where we’re shown two timelines occurring simultaneously which are almost identical, and one character is having done to them what they did to someone else – so they’re getting to experience the other side of the equation, thus their karma is being balanced, and their understanding is being deepened (if they’re open to it, and can get passed their biases and blindspots).

If you’re into astrology, this is a great film to watch right now as, imo, it’s a perfect example of the transits in play at the moment.

For more on the astro, please visit – Julie Demboski’s Astrology: 14 September 2018 – Touchstone.

It’s a very transiting Uranus/Mars/Mercury/Neptune acting and reacting together and to each other film.

These particular transits are hitting placements in my natal chart which happen to be the same planets in aspect to each other (except for Neptune), albeit differently arranged. Don’t worry I’m not going to describe what’s happening in my natal chart with those transits as due to rereading old posts I’ve written where I did that it made me realise it sounds like gobbledygook (even I had no idea what the eff I was on about).

What I will say is that if you have Uranus/Mars/Mercury in aspect natally (like I do), then you’ll most likely either be a freak or feel like you’re a freak or both. And when you meet anyone else who says – I’m a freak – you’ll get really excited… Huzza!!… and then disappointment will usually (although not always) follow because that other person is what you would consider a normal with normative views (which isn’t a bad state of being, it just won’t click easily with a freak state of being).

Their – I’m a freak – only works within the context of their version of reality, and not in yours. It’s fascinating to observe how many normals think they’re freaks…

hmmmm…

Thank goodness you waited before sharing your freak with them, right! Right? You did wait, didn’t you?

They ran away screaming, didn’t they?

Don’t worry, they’ll be fine… and you’ll be fine too.

The Laws of Thermodynamics (the film) confirms it, and touches upon that aspect in relationships… sometimes normal people enter into a relationship with a freak because they want to expand their version of reality beyond its confines, and sometimes a freak enters into a relationship with a normal because normal just seems so peaceful (even when your mental calculations reveal to you that it’s not that at all). Normal is kind of freakish to a freak.

When Uranus combines with Mars and Mercury by transit… even if you’re a normal, your thinking goes a tad haywire but it feels awesome once you go with it rather than trying to fight it.

It makes you sound insane inside and out… sometimes we all need a bit of…

Entropy…

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excerpt via Lumen: Three Laws of Thermodynamics

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To free us, release us, relieve the pressure, show us that our dead end isn’t as dead and as much of an end as it seemed. There’s a door in that wall, maybe only you can see it and open it – Will you keep seeing it, open it and go through or…?

 

17 comments

  1. I loved reading this post its right up my street all that kind of stuff. Thanks for taking the time to educate and enlighten me, lots of great things to think about…..will go over and over this at the cafe…

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    • Thank you very much 🙂

      I’m not so sure about my doing any educating or enlightening, certainly not with you – I see you as being very knowledgeable, and love it when you share your perspective and perception. I’m sharing what makes me go squee over the hmmms.

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  2. I alternate between accepting karma is a part of life and thinking it’s total hogwash. My life experiences scream “hogwash!” while there are times when I think there’s some sort of plan. In the end, I think what I believe most is that all is connected, but it’s pure logic, completely unemotional, it just is. Something like that, as you would say. 🙂

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    • It depends on your version of the concept of Karma.

      The more popularised version where people wait for ‘Karma’ to sock it to someone they think did them wrong… is flawed because it’s one-sided. What if the reason someone did you wrong is Karma socking it to you? You don’t like those apples now do you 😉

      That version is also flawed because it tends to not think laterally. There’s a wonderful and humorous example in an entertainment news story which happened recently – https://thegrapevine.theroot.com/woman-who-took-photo-of-geoffrey-owens-working-at-trade-1828833086. It’s particularly funny because ‘Karma’ was literally being a bitch, but her bitchiness created a great opportunity for the target of her bitchiness, so maybe Karma was actually helping someone out. I’ve linked to a news article which shares her side of the story.

      The idea of Karma as Fated Fate which is predestined and is going to happen no matter what… will never appeal to humans due to our species loving the concept of Free Will too much, and being convinced that we’re masters of our own universe, that we have the power to create our own reality if we put enough positive thinking into action.

      I’m not sure if there are any absolutes. We still have no idea what consciousness really is – known in science as the Hard Problem.

      What we don’t know far outweighs what we do know, and what we do know could all be hogwash. So much of what we thought we knew get regularly debunked by what we think we know now… it’s all a bit something like that 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • I love the Karma news story. 🙂 Now how about them apples! 😉

        You’re right about the Fated Fate. My boss who recently passed away completely believed that she could improve her health through sheer force of positive thinking (and praying). Even the day before her death, when she was so very ill, she refused delivery of the fact that her cancer was killing her. I’m still thinking about her decision to handle her illness her way but also the effect that had on everyone around her.

        I have long recognised that not only does what we don’t know far outweigh what we do know, but there’s a really lot that we don’t know that we don’t know. 😉 And yup, it might all be hogwash. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey! Hope you’re all good. I have been wanting to ask you a question for some time. I was wondering if you have a post about love and narcissists, that is being loving and finding the balance of love in your heart when you have narcissists around. I am imagining one of your ingenious posts where you put every single detail down in this super well-described way in which you write, only bringing up the true stuff, the details that happen to be true and never get caught in the one would imagine that things should be. I feel like I am close to becoming a tiny vampire-slayer, it feels really good but since the person I have had the most problems with is my sister, and since she is only 4 years younger than me, and since she is pretty and I look ok, and since we grew up without having our parents help us but rather had to escape them beating us up and throwing us out of the home without money etc. I was kind of her mother, and since I then introduced her to every single person I know because she was bad at making friends, and since that was a charming thing, I feel a complete imbalance in the love of people I know for me. And most people think it’s jealousy which is really humiliating. And I also feel that maybe the fact that I don’t love her at all (which is a lovelessness that could switch back to complete love at any time, it’s very dual but I am learning to love myself and want things for myself and am in the process of a healthy discovery of disliking HER because I PREFER ME, which is amazing) – the fact that I don’t love her at all might be what secludes me from what I used to think was my destiny or dream life, which she is living today (although she is so empty she fucks it up) but I think it’s so shameful to dislike her in front of like 60 people (I think people can sense it, you know?) that I’d rather leave everything behind again and start somewhere else and I’m almost 40. That is where I am at but I am sure lots of people would love some good thoughts about how to balance your own love for others, your “love balance” when you have a narc in your life or have had one around for a long time. LOVE your site, your posts and everything else.

    Best wishes!
    M

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    • Thank you, Meg, for sharing 🙂

      Thank you also for the wonderful compliments, much appreciated!!!

      I have written about narcissists and love before, but I don’t think I’ve written anything from the perspective of “being loving and finding the balance of love in your heart when you have narcissists around.”. That’s a very interesting idea, and a big challenge. Thank you very much for the suggestion.

      I need to give it some thought. And probably rethink everything I think about it.

      And do some research to see what others are saying about it. I have to admit that when I see an article online where someone is saying that it’s possible to love a narcissist (without lots of distance and little to no contact between you and them) and have a good relationship with them, I do tend to be a bit cynical and give them the side-eye.

      I think a lot depends on whether the person who is the narcissist is really a narcissist (and has NPD) or if they are very narcissistic (but don’t have NPD).

      In the case of someone who is very narcissistic but who doesn’t have NPD, there’s a chance that the way you behave around them and relate to them may alter the way they behave around you and relate to you. People who are narcissistic but aren’t narcissists (don’t have NPD) can stop being narcissistic (or as narcissistic as they were), as they have the capacity to self-reflect, take a good look at themselves and their behavioural patterns, and change themselves and their behaviour, but it often requires a catalyst of some sort to kick-start it – what that is depends on the person.

      In the case of someone who is a narcissist and has NPD, while you can alter how you experience them and how they behave with/around you, it usually requires a lot of effort on your part and a lot of self-control (which can be a part of your self-healing). Their patterns tend to dominate interactions, so even if you manage to engineer a sort of balance, real narcissists are usually only seconds away from a drama which can undo any good you’ve managed to create. Once they get triggered, they tend to pass the triggering on to everyone around them – it requires a shitload of detachment not to get triggered, which is possible after a lot of practice (which you’ll get around a real narcissist as they go around in a loop, over and over).

      Some thoughts which sprung up while reading your words:

      1 – 40 is an awesome age and entry into a great decade! I’m almost 50 (in a few months) and my 40’s have been very liberating. When you do turn 40, you’ll probably go through the ‘OMG I’m so old, my life is over…’ phase. Don’t worry, that’s normal, and what you have to go through to get to the ‘Eff this and that, I’m just going to do wtf I feel like doing, and say whatever I want to say…” phase. You’ll thrill and terrify yourself along the way, think you’ve lost it… you will lose some stuff, but that’s the stuff you don’t need anymore. You may also lose some people… but that happens throughout life. Pay attention to those who stick around.

      2 – This – “And most people think it’s jealousy which is really humiliating.” – stood out for me. There’s no reason to feel humiliated if you are jealous of your sister. Jealousy is a normal and natural part of the being human experience. We all feel it. I regularly get jealous of other bloggers. It can be useful to explore it as sometimes it’s an indirect way we communicate with ourselves about something we’d like to be, do, etc. Sometimes it’s our way of telling ourselves we’re no longer into something or someone but we’re forcing ourselves to hang on to it. If you aren’t jealous of your sister but other people think you are – there’s no reason to feel humiliated. What other people think about you is usually not a reflection of you at all but of them – others tend to interpret us using themselves as the criteria. Sometimes they get it right, mostly they get it wrong.

      If you try to tell others that they’re wrong about you… it will get messy as no one likes to be told they’re wrong regardless of whether they are or not, and then you’ll have to explain your side of the story to someone who has been antagonised by being told they’re wrong and therefore they won’t be a good listener. Sometimes it is best to leave people with their wrong assumptions about you. If you really can’t leave them with a wrong assumption, there are other ways of dealing with it.

      3 – You’re absolutely right to be taking a time out to focus on yourself and what you need. Don’t worry about your lovelessness for your sister. There is no rule which says you have to love your sister (yes, I know there are plenty of social rules about how we’re supposed to feel towards family, etc, which people spout most often when your story is triggering their own story and they want to shut you up because they don’t want to hear their own inner screams).

      It’s not shameful to dislike her, or to do it in front of others (you’re not responsible for protecting others from what bothers them). You don’t like her at this time, it’s perfectly okay not to like her. If she wasn’t your sister would you be as hard on yourself for not liking her?

      There is no rule which says you can’t hate her and also love her sometimes too. You’ve had a complex relationship, more complex than a lot of siblings. If you’ve been putting her first before you for a long time… She’s an adult now, it’s time she took care of herself. It’s time to put yourself first before her now. It’s time for you to take care of yourself and give yourself what you need and want.

      I struggled a lot with something similar with regards to my parents. We don’t have to love or like our family, but we’re always being told by ‘society’ that we have to. If we don’t like a person who isn’t family, that’s okay according to society. It’s illogical.

      From the sounds of it you’ve done a lot for your sister, and she wants you to do more and more for her because she’s used to relying on you for her nourishment and nurturing. You’re always there to catch her when she falls. You share your bounty with her whether she’s earned it or not. She may take you for granted and may not appreciate all that you do and have done for her. Or she may be all too aware how much she relies on you, how much you’ve done for her and… like sometimes happens between humans who have that kind of relationship contract, the one who keeps getting from the one who keeps giving ends up resenting the giver because they feel that they owe that person more than they’ll ever be able to repay them and the debt becomes a point of resentment and contention. Perhaps to her you’re the perfect sister and she’s jealous of you… and feels humiliated for feeling that way.

      What people really feel about us can be shocking to us – it’s not always logical.

      Take all the time you need to figure your present and future out. Don’t worry if you don’t figure it out… sometimes our life figures itself out for us.

      Thank you again for the suggestion. 🙂

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  4. Hello!

    Thank you so much for writing. You are so amazing, as usual. I guess you are right, there is a part of jealousy in what I feel for my sister. I just remember feeling that she took my favorite clothes, got my favorite hairstyle, started loving Japan after I did, got my favorite tin box worth 2 cents from an old perfume that I used to keep in my room with flat pearls and rose scented dried rose leaves and she put it in the middle of her living-room (I had not seen it for years when I came by her place a few years ago) and so on… And then I felt like I had to become something slightly different and then she started pushing me off the social shelf. And then everyone went: “She’s jealous.” And I just felt: that is not what jealousy is, that is the feeling of give me back my stuff, my “me”. Is it common for narcs to do that, to steal your identity, gaslight you about it and make you look like you’re nothing like that? IT IS SOOOOOOOOOOO CONFUSING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I don’t know if she has NPD. I mean I remember her being different up until the age of 13 and she used to open up. Then I moved abroad and when we met again she had this facade and started lying about everything. We were as close as two people can get and she swore she loved me so I asked her why she lies and today I feel like most things I ever hear her say are lies but I mean, I get it. If you have no sense of self or self-esteem maybe and you have huge ideas about how you should be and are constantly calculating everything a lot of stuff easily becomes lies even though she is probably not aware of half of them. But yes, she is leading my life. She moved to Paris and has been being nice clothes, met a guy. That was the dream I shared with her and I just feel like I cannot go there anymore and be that person, like I’m pushed so harsh to become some kind of huge, groce, rude, impolite, bizarre big woman with huge feet and hands. The fact that I have been suffering from dissociative amnesia MIGHT not help. :/

    Otherwise thank you again for welcoming me to my forties! It sounds great! Thank you! What I meant by the “inner balance” I suppose, was mostly that I used to meditate, think of unconditional love, I admire Jesus and so on but then I think almost any human being has a more or less instinctive sense of his karma or whatever you might like to call it. I thought of one point this morning:
    I have always had principles, like: I would never steal someone’s best friend and turn on them (that’s not a principle obviously…), I would never shame someone for being poor or handicapped, some people would just call it decency but I find myself being manipulated around that fact. So I feel that one of the keys to keeping this balance is breaking your principles when it comes to the narc in order to deal with them.

    Thank you also because I feel better about not liking her, like yes: it’s my right to say, I just like people who make me feel good/are good to me and she does not feel good. No need to apologise, right?

    Anyways, lots of good wishes again to you and ty again.

    Hugs and shining stars,

    Meg

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    • Thank you 🙂

      What you described about your sister stealing your ideas, passions, dreams, things, friends, and identity is a common behaviour of narcissists. All types of narcissists tend to do it, but it is more noticeable in covert narcissists because of the manner in which they do it.

      It usually starts out as admiration on the part of the narcissist, as a version of hero-worship. In their eyes you are special, a role model. They perceive you as being who they want to be, and as having the life, personality, and things that they want to have too.

      Due to the way their mind works they think that if they copy you they can become you. This is sometimes referred to as – Single White Female syndrome – named after a film about a woman who moves in with another woman and gradually copies everything about her, taking over her life.

      This is an interesting and detailed account of that type of experience – https://foreveramber.co.uk/online-imitators-blog-copycats – when it happens online.

      This is also a story about this kind of behaviour shared on a Narcissistic Abuse forum – https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/comments/3j81dq/are_narcissists_ever_copycats/ – one of the commentors mentions the Overt narcissist manner of doing it which is usually very competitive. Whatever you do, they’ve done it too only bigger and better. If you get attention from others for an ability, a personality trait, something you own, they will want to have that and take it over because they want the attention you’re getting for themselves. Covert narcissists are also competitive, but not openly (overtly) because they are usually trying to appear ‘nice’, and be the ‘good’ person in any scenario.

      This story is also similar, what I found interesting was the ‘advice’ given underneath the story as it reflects the lack of understanding of the situation from people who haven’t experienced a narcissist’s copycat behaviour. The first reply is almost identical to the reaction you described getting when you tried to discuss the problem with those around you. – https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2008/aug/14/familyandrelationships.healthandwellbeing

      Taking something which is special to you, which you treasure, such as your favourite tin perfume box, is acquiring a trophy, a totem, and is an act of ‘specialness by association’.

      Here’s an excerpt from an article – https://nordic.businessinsider.com/how-to-spot-different-types-of-narcissist-2018-1/ – about that:

      “A closet narcissist doesn’t say ‘I am special,’ they point to something else, a person, a religion, a book, a dress designer, and they are special, so they feel special by association,” Greenberg said.

      “When someone feels special because they have a designer thing on and other people can tell, that’s special by association. For closet narcissists, they usually have self-doubt, and they are looking for the person they can idealise.”

      Feeling confused and frustrated by a narcissist’s behaviour is a common experience for targets and victims of narcissists. You can end up feeling crazy and doubting what you think, feel, and are experiencing. If the social group around you and the narcissist has been fooled by the narcissist and their gaslighting and smear campaigns, you can end up feeling rejected, isolated, unfairly judged, misunderstood, etc.

      This is an article worth reading – https://narcissisticbehavior.net/narcissistic-victim-syndrome-what-the-heck-is-that/ – it’s a bit difficult to read because it is written for therapists but the information is excellent as it describes how a narcissist impacts the life and psyche of those close to them, who they target and who are their victims.

      an excerpt from that article:

      “Like all clients coming into therapy, they have a story to tell; therefore they need someone to become an active listener, and to validate what has happened to them. To my mind, it is the validation of the person’s experience that is vital from the very beginning. These clients are not mad, however, frequently they appear highly strung or nervous, and their levels of fear may be high, while their level of self-esteem is low. Often they present with obsessive compulsive behaviours, phobias, panic attacks, so at times they may actually feel that they are going mad. They may experience insomnia, and may have underlying eating disorders, so you may notice they are either under weight (as a means of having some control), or overweight (as a result of eating to self-comfort).

      When working with NVS, you will find yourself working with emotions involving shock, anger, fear, and guilt. Often the victim will be suffering from PostTraumatic-Stress Disorder (PTSD), or Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder; Symptoms of PTSD are often grouped into three main categories: Re-living (flashbacks, hallucinations, nightmares etc), Avoiding (people, places, thoughts, loss of interest etc), and Increased Arousal (excessive emotions, problems relating, difficulty in sleeping and concentration, outbursts of anger, anxiousness, panic attacks etc). You may also notice that your client is inclined to “dissociate” while you are talking to them. That is, it seems as if the client is tending to “compartmentalize their experience.”; in so doing, they may appear to be detached from their emotions, body, or immediate surroundings, this experience is called derealization.”

      There is not much you can do about your sister and her behaviour because it would require trying to change someone else – narcissists and very narcissistic people are very set in their ways. They also don’t tend to ever see the problem as being them or theirs, it is always everyone else who is and has the problem. Covert/closet narcissists are usually oblivious to their behaviour – their levels of self-deception are high and this is partly why they are adept at deceiving others about their behaviour.

      What you can do is to focus on yourself, your health and well-being. Keep doing what you are doing which is affirming and healing for you.

      While it totally sucks to have a narcissist steal your identity, ideas, friends, things, etc, there is one thing a narcissist will never understand and that is that what makes you so special is that you are you. The principles which you mentioned having – while your sister could mimic them, she doesn’t have them herself and she can’t take the essence within you which created those principles for yourself.

      Articles like this one – http://www.talentsmart.com/articles/12-Habits-of-Genuine-People-1056454483-p-1.html – are worth reading to remind you of what you do have which someone like your sister can never take from you.

      Focus on what makes you you, what is the essence of you, and view yourself as the source of all those things your sister admires/envies and wants to have.

      One of the reasons I shared the blogger’s story (this one – https://foreveramber.co.uk/online-imitators-blog-copycats ) is because one of the things which you learn from blogging is that while someone else can steal one of your posts and claim they wrote it (something which has happened to me, and which happens to a lot of bloggers) – they didn’t write it. While they may even be able to copy your writing style – they’re copying your style. But you aren’t copying, you are the one creating and you can keep creating – while the narcissists of this world can only rely on stealing, borrowing, taking, copying from others to appear to create. Underneath what they do is someone who doesn’t have the know-how or guts to be themselves, so they have to go around pretending to be others. As confusing and frustrating as what they do to us is to us… ultimately they’re more confused and frustrated than we are… at least we’re who we are, but who are they?

      Genuine people like yourself, while you may not always be certain of who you are, what you want, what to do, where to go from here… which is a perfectly natural and normal part of the being human experience, it’s often the spur which sets us off on an adventure of discovery… deep down there’s a you who is you. Sometimes we stray far away from ourselves, but we always know when we’re home – there’s just a knowing, a this is me.

      One thought I had about the friends side of the matter – did any of the friends you introduced her to get rejected by her, were discarded by her, or distanced themselves from you to distance themselves from her after you introduced them? Did anyone perhaps see through her and not like her (which would make her not like them either)? Did anyone make an effort to like her because they liked you, but then gave up but didn’t say anything to you about it because they didn’t want to upset you?

      Rather than looking solely at what she has managed to steal – try looking at what hasn’t she managed to steal. It can be an interesting exploration.

      The path to recovery from this kind of traumatic experience can take some unusual turns.

      Let yourself be messy, messiness can be very therapeutic – there is no need to apologise for you being genuinely you 🙂

      You’re going to be fine, you have an innate strength which will always shine through for you.

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  5. Hello! Again! =)

    You are so amazing. I love the way you write and the way you point at things in a way that is just so right, well-expressed and so healing. Thank you so much for taking the time. You mentioned what did not work out in her “stealing my friends from me”, I have stopped seeing many of them and I always feel awkward and very uneasy when I meet those I know that she “wants” and contacts. The way you worded that changed something inside my heart. Thank you so much for that. And thank you so much for explaining what happens with the copycat thing. It’s actually the third person who I feel steals my place. The other times it was not as terrible because with my sister I was confused, she is younger so it was natural for her to look up to me for a long time and she spent so many years of my life “admiring” me, until she did not need me anymore when things went wrong in my life and then she started gaslighting me. It feels that way anyways, sometimes I doubt this diagnosis of hers because I’m not a shrink and I can’t prove it for sure. She tends to stay away from me, keep things from me and I have only recently understood that I actually don’t know what’s true or not and that almost everything she ever said about her values, was just something that felt right when she said it and not something she carries inside.

    Her closest friends are extremely drawn to me and always want to bond while being quite critical of her but if feels to cruel to ally with them. Anyway thank you again for explaining how this copying your identity works. That is so considerate and wonderful of you. I just want my old identity back (been without it for 5 years because of her) but the best friends I have have told me maybe it just is not my thing anymore. I mean I still have this fixed idea that I am going to move to Paris, get a good job, an apartment, walk around and drink sophisticated sorts of tea, go see plays and watch all the big monuments, walk around town and just mould naturally into a part of the city but I feel like I might always feel like I am walking in the shadow of myself while my sister has the torch so that I will not be able to work out my way on the map from present to future, only follow her footsteps or pretend I’m not me.

    I absolutely Love how you say that you have to allow yourself to be messy. Not make any sense and I love how you are so comfortable with apparent contradictions, the truth always lies in contradictions, logic, when describing reality often wrong because everything is dual, weird and different. I am often not able to feel that, I just sense that when I read your posts and write comments on here. It’s so wonderful.

    I apologise in advance for how much I whine and talk about myself here. I hope it’s bearable. I’ll understand if you just cannot be bothered but if you can it will be wonderful. =)

    Do you ever find yourself avoiding the feeling of feeling “good” because a family member of yours can sense that (because you’ve been so close and they’re your own blood) and you think they are going to “do something about it”? I can sense my family members sometimes. I avoid that feeling anyways. I don’t want to be “in the zone” anymore, ever. Three years ago I got a job working in television, I moved to a new home, a nice, charming place, I was very active. I made friends with colleagues who were really great people had an ok salary and got to wear nice clothes for work and feel a little bit like a hipster or whatever that was. I got to work between several countries, meet people, I had challenges and I did pretty well at my job. And it was the first time in a long time that I felt like I was in the kind of place I wanted to be in. One day I just felt like: “This is where I am at this point of my life and it feels cool!” And shortly after that really cool feeling surfaced (it was a nice feeling and I recognised from years before), I suddenly started feeling kind of shaky and scared and within 2 days I got an email from my sister. It was like she sensed that something was going on in my life that was linked with some sort of value, the type of value that narcissists like and want – and after that I decided to avoid going into that emotional space, that space where I feel like I’m doing well, like I’m feeling the flow of good karma and like “I’ve got this! I’m making this shit happen!”- kind of feeling. I avoid it constantly and that time was the last time I allowed myself to have that feeling. I just haven’t felt it since and I feel like it’s protecting me not to feel it so that she won’t sense it and be triggered to compete or destroy, like it would be a misstep to allow myself to feel that way. I don’t go there anymore at all because I feel like she will pick up on it and start doing things to me, It’s like feeling an energy going against inside that flow and it’s a threatening kind of energy. It’s very, very scary to me. Do you recognise this? Once again, my sister and I were like siamese twins before – or at least that was how I thought of it until recently. Maybe I would not word it like that knowing what a narcissist is now but we were so close and it’s normal for siblings to have “coincidental” similarities but this is just so annoying. There have been so many coincidences of people telling that what I said is a conversation they just had with my sister and sometimes it’s kind of interesting and strange – not creepy. (…) Right now writing this, I feel crazy. =)

    A second question that might sound dumb is: Do you know where I could find an online test to know whether I’m a narcissist myself? Because the article you sent that describes three kinds of narcissists describes something VERY similar to me, I would be category number 2. My sister sounds very much like an exhibitionistic narcissist with a few elements of the third kind in the article you sent. I’m always going on about how I read this or that huge author, how I feel proximity to something “big”, like a great contemporary intellectual’s discourse, Plato’s texts, I think (and speak about) how I will feel in a famous work of art like the Venus of Willendorf or wear haute-couture now and then. I almost don’t ever do it because my complex PTSD is so bad from how my sister behaviour makes me feel and I’m really emotionally injured by jealousy too. If she was not around I would do those things a lot more, I used to do that all the time. I love doing it. I don’t know if that’s healthy narcissism or what it is. Here is some super-bragging but there is a point to it so please don’t freak out about it but I do feel superior for many reasons. I’ve had like 30 men call me there greatest love, I can look really good-looking if I fix myself really well (which I rarely do but when I do I look as good as Kate Moss or Grace Kelly, well I’m older now but I used to and I’m still really ok), I write really, really well, I was an elite student at university, I know several people who have called me one of the most intelligent people they have ever met (I’ve heard that more than 20 times) and I have super-talents all over the place that I don’t even train, like singing, sports in general, languages (I started a job with simultaneous interpretation a while back and began without ever having tried or trained it before and my employer was stunned and within a few days I became the best interpreter of his company). I have other talents too. I recently took the pre-Mensa test, not the official one but the one to just try it out and it said I had very good chances of getting into Mensa (and I did it because I was worried about my intelligence since I’m in treatment for severe trauma). So I have often thought and been told that, well, that I AM superior. It’s not bragging, it’s not a feeling, I’m really very good at many things and clearly above average. I am very uneasy about it and uncomfortable with that, very awkward and anxious about it. Altogether, I have a pretty bad self-confidence, I used to have great confidence in my abilities but I’m very shattered by complex ptsd from toxic relationships and jealousy. When I look at things altogether though, I have often thought or heard that I should just stick to other “superior” people – because of all the stuff I just mentioned. I would never, ever tell a person this in normal life and it’s not something that hypes me or makes me happy at all. It’s rather something that constantly makes me watch my back and wonder who I can connect to, why I feel so different and who is going to attack me and when because they don’t like it. And I don’t have a solid emotional basis to stand on or emotional support from enough people to handle that well when it happens. It shoots through my chest and completely brings me out of balance, makes me depressed, insecure, worried and so on. I’m not completely retarded in terms of socialising although I have many traits of a socially confused nerd in many respects. Since I have gigantic emotional needs from the coldness of the family I grew up in (it’s not just my sister), I tend to bury my intelligence and try to adapt to people (who are mostly less intelligent than I am) because I need to connect so badly. And I have often made decisions that were worse than what I would have done because people with better self-confidences told me I was wrong and were more self-confident in having a definite opinion about something. That’s how low my self-confidence (or self-esteem?) is. I even stopped reading and studying things I was interested to lower my intelligence level because I could not take the loneliness of it anymore. People did not understand what I was saying, they missed my points all the time and I just walked around feeling flabbergasted all time by how confident people are in expressing opinions and making decisions without really thinking things through, their self-confidence that astonishes me. I’m not assertive in my ways, I’m very soft so people who don’t know me contradict me a lot and it’s only the close friends who have known me for a long time who really listen and know that I’m not a bad person to actually ask questions to rather than just a listener you teach things to, although I often pretend to be the latter. I don’t know if this makes sense but maybe I’m a closet narcissist. (U don’t have to compliment me for being “brave” about wondering whether or not I am one because I have absolutely no pride left, it’s been dissected and handed around for too long.) Anyways, just a question. I would love to know if you think I’m a narcissist or not.

    When you mentioned the movie Single White Female I thought about “William Wilson” by Edgar Poe. Have you read it? And I also thought of “The Mater of Ballantrae” by Robert Louis Stevenson. It has less to do with what we are speaking about but I remember reading it a few years ago and wanting to tell you about it. Do you know the novel?

    I love what you said about how we authentic people still have that thing that created what the narcs wanted and how they cannot take that from us. Thank you, that helped so much. And I love this sentence of yours: “Ultimately they’re more confused and frustrated than we are… at least we’re who we are, but who are they?”

    Take care and thank you for keeping this blog, it’s so cool.

    Love,

    Meg

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    • Thank you, Meg 🙂

      re: your question – “Do you know where I could find an online test to know whether I’m a narcissist myself?”

      Please be as circumspect about diagnosing yourself as a narcissist as you are being about your sister and others in your life. Having narcissistic traits and behaviours does not = being a narcissist.

      There are only a few online tests to measure levels of narcissism – all of those tests state that they are not for NPD diagnosis purposes and that to get a proper diagnosis you have to visit a mental health professional.

      This is in my opinion the most informative test – https://barendspsychology.com/narcissistic-personality-disorder-test/ – because the questions themselves give you an idea of what are considered to be narcissistic traits and behaviours. As it points out in the intro, some of the question are based on positive narcissism.

      All humans have narcissism as it is a phase of human development and serves a purpose in our sense of self. All humans can be healthily narcissistic, we can also be unhealthily narcissistic, particularly when we’re going through a stressful experience, painful time in our life, etc.

      Narcissistic traits and behaviours may be symptoms of another disorder or condition, such as anxiety, depression, or C-PTSD.

      I would hazard a guess that the narcissistic traits and behaviours which you have noticed in yourself are part of your coping mechanisms to deal with your C-PTSD. My suggestion would be to do more research into Complex PTSD in connection with narcissistic abuse – read up on other people’s experiences and stories about having C-PTSD and on experiencing narcissistic abuse.

      Like this one – https://themighty.com/2017/08/life-impacting-symptoms-of-complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/

      Many of the things you’ve described are recognisable as being a part of C-PTSD, such as your reluctance and fear to allow yourself to feel good and enjoy being good at things.

      This question of yours – “Do you ever find yourself avoiding the feeling of feeling “good” because a family member of yours can sense that (because you’ve been so close and they’re your own blood) and you think they are going to “do something about it”?” – is something which many children of narcissists (ACoNs) experience. If you ‘feel good’ around a narcissist, a narcissist will indeed ‘do something about it’, as narcissists generally can’t stand other people feeling good about themselves and their life and are compelled to ‘steal’ other people’s feel good from them.

      This site has some excellent information about growing up with narcissist parents (and living with narcissists), I’ve linked to an article which mentions being uncomfortable about feeling good/when good things happen to you – https://blogs.psychcentral.com/narcissism-decoded/2017/05/13-ways-being-raised-by-a-narcissist-can-affect-you/

      re: “Here is some super-bragging but there is a point to it so please don’t freak out about it but I do feel superior for many reasons.”

      I didn’t freak out about it, don’t worry 🙂

      If you have a high IQ, then you have a high IQ. If you’re beautiful, then you’re beautiful. It’s totally okay to have a high IQ and be beautiful. And it’s is perfectly okay to do some super-bragging about it.

      Having a high IQ and being beautiful are qualities which modern society admires, and encourages people to get if they don’t have it naturally. It can make a person a target of jealousy, envy, bullying, anger, and trolling because humans can be petty, we all have a dark side, especially when humans feel life has been unfair to them, and they don’t have and can’t get what someone else has and has gotten. But there are also plenty of humans who are happy for those who succeed – unfortunately those humans tend to be not as vocal as the petty and pissy ones, because those who are happy for others tend to be more laid back, live and let live.

      Acknowledging your qualities is an important part of healthy narcissism.

      Most humans like to feel that they are in some way ‘superior’ to others. Humans are naturally competitive, and we all like to think we have a special something which is better than, which makes us stand out, which makes us have somethign which we can share, perhaps which will improve life not only for us but also for others.

      The main problem with something like feeling superior is when it is part of a ‘superiority complex’ as that is usually part of an ‘inferiority complex’ – and the latter is the real problem. Both complexes tend to be a ‘coping mechanism’ which may at first be helpful and useful, but which at some point in life becomes a creator of obstacles and problematic issues.

      From what you have shared, I would say that you might find it worthwhile to use your high IQ to explore the concepts of Emotional Intelligence and Social Intelligence – both of these types of intelligence can aid with understanding the things about others which leave you flabbergasted and confused, and can help with understanding your emotional needs.

      This is an interesting article and site – https://www.scienceofpeople.com/social-intelligence/

      There are certain experiences which are universal for humans, which people who have C-PTSD, who thus have heightened levels of sensitivity, self-consciousness, vigilance and observation of others tend to notice more – loneliness, isolation, awkwardness, low self-esteem, feeling different, feeling weird, feeling like you don’t belong, feeling as though everyone else knows what they’re doing but you don’t, thinking that everyone is judging you and branding you as a reject, etc – most people experience these things but tend to keep quiet about it because we all think no one else is experiencing these things.

      Why do I think these experiences are universal? The internet and especially social media has been very informative = other people have shared their agonies online and they’re relatable agonies. One of the best things I did for my healing and recovery was to start blogging. I was so terrified of sharing myself online or at all (I had given up sharing myself offline by then), I thought I was such a freak, but… turns out everyone is a freak, and my freak is fairly normal. Sharing my story online prompted others, like you, to share their own stories, and… in some ways our stories are different because you’re you and I’m me, but in other ways our stories are similar because we’re all humans trying to figure out this bizarre experience known as being human.

      ps. I’ve lived in Paris. I spent my teenage years there. I hated Paris when I lived there (I appreciate it more now in retrospective hindsight – the experience is one I value now, but not then). My version of Paris was all grisaille, depression, existential angst, slipping into the abyss unable to stop my falling, philosophical nothingness, suicidal thoughts and tendencies, and more Jean-Paul Sartre’s Nausea, than the lovely version of it in your dream of it. Paris is the kind of place which becomes what you make it and make of it for yourself. Like most big cities – you and your sister could live there and never bump into each other, and enjoy it in your own ways or not – it’s up to you.

      Your friends have a point worth considering – maybe it’s not your thing anymore, maybe there’s a better thing and place somewhere else for you. It’s up to you… just try not to tear yourself apart about it. Maybe where you are now is exactly the best place for you to be – it often is, it’s just so hard to see it sometimes (sometimes all the time), until we leave or lose it. Sometimes it helps to look at all the people who would love to live where you are living now – why do they dream of it?

      You’ll figure things out… give yourself the time and space you need to do that. There’s so much more to you to be discovered, so many more things to enjoy super-bragging about 🙂

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  6. Hi!

    How are you? Thank you for answering! Thank you for everything you linked. The emotional intelligence article is really good, I was so reminded of how important it is to just listen and show compassion sometimes. I forget, because I spend so much time on my own. Now I think it could be really cool to try again… to make friends and build something.

    Eh… keeping in mind that you said you think that my “symptoms” of high narcissism stem from complex ptsd (which I have next to normal ptsd as well as partly dissociative amnesia, which feels great =) ), I really agree but I admit that I scored really high on that test so now I don’t know. Thank you for not being harsh about it either way. That is really, really, really nice of you. I do agree that I think it’s the ptsd though, I mean there is something in me having to do with my ego, at the chore of my ptsd, which is so incredibly hurt that I just want to step on other people and be the best because I feel soooo inferior, I feel so abused in what I should be able to value about myself -and I used to be nothing like that. I have traits of covert narcissism for sure though but I CAN stand shame, just not well. I mean I used to be the shame container and I was so strong I could take it and get over myself over and over again because people around could not take shame so I think I’m not a narcissist but I don’t know for sure. Thank you anyway for all the incredibly good advice. I am seeing a psychologist, I am dreading asking her about whether or not I am a narcissist. It feels incredibly humiliating but maybe that would be helpful… I don’t know.

    Just to make things more confusing I have more things to ask you about, which are incredibly long and boring for you but I hope you have some time at some point or maybe stimulation or something from answering me. If you don’t I’ll understand. =) I just cannot believe how much you release in me each time you answer my comments. I don’t know if you remember also how I wrote you about four years ago on another article when I just discovered that I had been a magnet for narcs all my life and did not know about the diagnosis. I was suicidal, I felt betrayed and incredibly hurt by everyone around and so lonely. You posted amazing answer then too, there was a user named Seashell who was also really nice. It was HUGE in my life. You unblock such enormous things. If you knew how much you had done for me, you have made incisions in places that were filled to the brink with puss and which I could not have localised by myself. It was just healing one thing after the other. I cannot fathom the dextrality you have doing that. I hope you are writing novels or something too because you are so artistic and so beautiful in everything you do.

    If you don’t have time I get it. I just thought I would ask: I have always wanted a career but it has been difficult because of a depression, severe traumatic events and a 7-year relationship with a narc man who did not want me to have financial and social freedom. (I got to know what a narc was after the relationship had ended thanks to your site).

    I have issues kicking myself in the butt to get my career going now and it is very difficult. I picked up my relationship to my parents and meet them often, trying to get along, I’ve missed it for almost 20 years. I recently figured out that the reason I often procrastinate anyway and don’t build up my life, myself, my home, my career and avoid success, something I otherwise believe that I want, actually has to do with my parents and the prescience that they will reject me, stop loving me and probably even try to make me fail. I have discovered that I unconsciously feel as if though that rejection will be so harsh on me that it will hurt in a way that it so bad, I won’t be able to get up in the morning and go about my chores. So I don’t want to succeed, only continue living off social welfare and not do anything with myself. I am also scared that my sister will get angry if I succeed and start trying to get back at me and just go on for years like she did in the past until she feels that she got me to lie straight on my back and then walk away and relax, like she was done. I always lost in the past because I thought I needed her love, I could not bring myself to fight her back, it was unbelievably painful to see her act like my enemy. I am thinking (on a pretty subconscious level) that if I succeed I will get stabbed directly onto my complex ptsd wounds, etc. I don’t really have a social network around me to compensate for that right now. Do you by any chance have any advice regarding this? How to cope with the fact that I am actually scared of not being the caretaker anymore (I fell back to my old habits after being retraumatized and am now taking care of my father whom I don’t know would still love me and give me kudos if I stopped taking care of him, got a home, a job and a family). Should I just break contact again?

    What I meant by the fear of feeling good and feeling like I’m having flow in my life while being afraid that my sister can sense it was: Do you believe that a family member CAN sense it when you have flow? I mean, I feel like she can. When I get that emotion my heart starts pounding stronger and I shake but I also sense like I connect with her and like she can feel it. Have you ever had that impression? Is it real? Is it just me?

    I also have a question about how to set boundaries: She has gotten all my former friends, ex boyfriends, classmates, etc. even some “cool” people she never met as friends on social media. She posts pictures of herself that are photoshopped where she looks astonishingly beautiful and lots of things suggesting she is living a luxurious and hip life. It’s bothersome because every single time I meet someone I know (I have moved around a lot in my life and been to many different schools and know many people), they always ask me how she is and they always compare me to her (the life she posts on facebook is fake, she does not lead that life that much but I can’t exactly bring that up and tell them: “Oh, the pictures you see on fb are not representative of my sister’s life, by the way. My life has gone so down the drain that I would look jealous and they would wonder why I bring it up and I would get a potential conflict with her, which I dread. Those moments during which she thinks that I’ve attacked her, which include so many times during which I was literally not doing anything in my view and where she would take the creepy revenge, creepy because I could not understand why she seemed to think that she had to fight something I was supposedly doing consciously to her – complex ptsd. “Aaaaaaaahhhh!!!!” This is absolute panic for me.). My life has been reaaaally shitty for a few years now and I am growing older, I think I could have made a few pictures of myself and (like most people) photoshopped everything until I too looked really good too but I would just never expose pictures like that to people and to my sisters ex boyfriends… obviously. All her male friends and other people. People always think that she has a super career going (which I created, I have introduced her to people, coached her, written her CV:s, picked the clothes she should wear for her interviews, etc. etc.) and they look at me and will obviously think that although I have this story of having a tough background I obviously did not “make it” while apparently she did. And these are all kind of distant people, a lot of them who did not see the switch of her becoming “me”, although I was never exhibitionistic like that. This would be okay if it was two, three or even seven people who saw her pictures and wondered. But this is more like 60 people whom she has all contacted. The whole feeling I get, the picture people get, the reactions I get and she gets is SO flawed reality-wise and so horrendous to deal with over and over again. It steals energy from me, I used to be strong because of my friends (who I needed because of how difficult it had been to grow up in my family). Now I want to avoid them. They can tell that she is superficial and so on but she always just shows up around people I know and every single time there is a man in my life (someone interested in me, someone I am interested in, someone have a romantic thing with or a relationship), she always has to show up somehow. Now that I’m not in direct contact with her she cannot do it like before but she will use social media or something to exhibit her beauty and so on. And last time she came to where I live she said she was really excited to meet my ex boyfriend (the biggest love of my life who I used to live with and was with for 7 years) and I’m not on social media anymore because of the complex ptsd I got from her. Every time I added a friend I would find out she did as well but she blocked her contacts so I could not see them, however she always got mine (which I saw two or three times over the years). Each time I changed my profile picture she had to change hers, if I wrote on someone’s page that I would love to see them or happy birthday, she added something under it and knowing she does not really speak to me but makes it look like we’re both friends and “like” the same person or things it’s just creepy because it looks like we’re two loving sister while the feeling I get is that she is completely against me. She shows up once every one or two years and I have only recently understood how careful she is not to reveal things about herself to me. We have a quick cup of coffee, she usually looks at herself in the mirror or puts makeup on while we are meeting up and then she leaves. The ex boyfriend I mentioned is someone I really love, I just got back in touch with for the first time in a decade and I have been single for a few years now so I have been wondering whether or not I could and should get together with him again. And when we met up for the first time, out of the blue, he suddenly brought up my sister and told me he really likes her (he is a half Italian “man’s man” who does not know that he means that she is attractive when he says that, if you know what I mean, he looks at her figure and draws the conclusion that she has a very nice Personality, which many men do). Then he added in a side sentence: “You know I could very well have fallen in love with her and not with you.” He was drunk. My question: When were they in touch, how come my sister “looks forward to seeing him”? When did THEY speak??? These things pop up all the time and it’s completely awkward and crazy-making and I often don’t want to ask people. Usually they sort of answer that there is nothing to tell. They just had a cup of coffee this or that time or someone sent the other an email and the other one responded and that was it. So I always look like a bullying older sister who doesn’t want my (super-beautiful) younger to hang out with my friends. What made him think that she is so nice, since last time he told me about her was in 2002 and he comforted me when I cried because she was so mean to me, which he often did back then? What my sister does once she has the attention of a man in my life, is try to charm him, play innocent, wait for him to show interest and then tell him to please leave her alone, claiming she has no idea why he is flirting with her, she rejects him and then she’s done. She rejects him and it’s just like she leaves something disgusting behind in every relationship because I find myself with a humiliated man who has shown desire for my sister and gotten rejected. It’s like this little thing that slightly smells of putrefaction she leaves everywhere. (This is every single guy I’ve had anything with since the age of 17). And she rarely fails to mention, it seems, that I have been in a psych ward to people (for a week once in my life but everyone knows how stigmatising that is when it comes out). She seems to spread the whole nightmare thing for me like she “does not know what I’m up to, if I can manage life, if I’m “normal” and she seems to do this opposite of defending my decency (I am stupid-decent). She tells people that “she tries to be there for ME”, which an absolute lie and the contrary of what has been the deal between her and me. My friends/acquaintances are often too polite to touch upon these subjects, they wouldn’t so I’m left out in the dark, unless I bring it up and then everyone just thinks I’m the jealous one, again. The few people who have taken my side are jealous of her and have something personal against her already so that never feels “right” either. It makes me feel so guilty.

    I once sent her an email saying: Stop contacting my friends. She replied: “I do not share you values, I don’t consider my friends to belong to me the way you do. And I contact anyone I like.” I was so angry I replied: “You know bad things could happen to you.” (This is the one time I have “retaliated” in any way in 20 years.) She did not answer. I feel like she is hovering above my ex boyfriend, probably convincing herself that she wants to “help me get into a relationship”. I feel like she all over things such me flirting, anything sexual (which happens once every 5 years anyway but when the thought shows up, I can sense how much she has been thinking about. Should I wear underwear that looks pretty, hang out with that guy, I just feel like “She’s on my case and has been for a while”. And I don’t go out much, I am very shy, introverted normally, I’m not on social media so I don’t know and I don’t contact everyone now and then the way she does so I always feel paranoid because I have no idea what’s going on. It’s horrible. But I do know that people usually want to see me and like me because others try to stay in touch and they usually invite me not her. However I have become aggressive and almost rude to all these people when I even get back in touch with them, that is answer a phone call, an email or an invitation. These are all the contacts I made over the course of my life with about three exceptions, literally. I wish I could explain it to her and set boundaries when it comes to my ex boyfriends and men in my life (hihi, it sounds like there are many of them). But I don’t know how to do that. Do you have any advice for that? I get that you have other things to do than answer all my questions but this is nerve-wrecking. And when a guy has been mean to me, which happened once or twice (I used to get beaten up by my older brother and father so I somehow attract humiliation and rejection in my relationships), if I dared to stand up to the guy and feel a little bit better, she would fly in from nowhere and defend him against me, at that moment when there is a little bit of justice for the first time ever.

    I’m sorry I am just pouring this out like this but it is so amazing when you write and answer. I was expecting your last response to be a bit confrontational somehow and I was in complete awe about how you did not hurt my feelings (which feel like beaten meet) a single time. You are SO COOL.

    Sending you lots of good things, best wishes, happy fall and so on. =)

    Thank you for your blog!

    Meg

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    • Thank you, Meg 🙂

      You said: “I am seeing a psychologist, I am dreading asking her about whether or not I am a narcissist. It feels incredibly humiliating but maybe that would be helpful… I don’t know.”

      If you’re seeing a psychologist, then you should definitely share with her your concerns about whether you are a narcissist or not, and tell her how you feel about asking her about it to give her more of an understanding about your concern and request. For her to help you, you need to let her know where you would like help, what’s troubling you, what’s weighing on your heart and mind. Remember she’s a psychologist not a psychic – her ability to be a good psychologist for you depends on you helping her to do that, to get to know you.

      It’s normal and natural to be hesitant to share what frightens, hurts, feels embarrassing, shameful, humiliating, especially with someone like a psychologist – you don’t know them very well and they don’t know you very well yet. The fact that you’re seeing a psychologist tells you that you want to help yourself heal – this is a powerful statement in action from you to yourself. It’s up to you to keep showing yourself how much you care about yourself, how much you want to help yourself – that’s how you find your balance, through nurturing, nourishing, caring, etc, for yourself.

      One of the most therapeutic things which we can do for ourselves is to share our story so that we can hear ourselves telling our story. A psychologist can help you to tell your story, listen to yourself, and find your own answers to your own questions.

      Sometimes just saying out loud: I’m afraid of this, I feel ashamed of this, I feel humiliated by this, etc, can be liberating, healing, can take the edge off of the experience. Everything is more frightening when we keep it trapped inside of us, swirling around, getting larger and louder inside – sometimes you just have to let it all spill outside of you.

      I’m going to read what you’ve shared in your recent comment more carefully later, and share any other thoughts I may have. I would like for you to re-read what you have shared and written too, when re-reading try to adopt the position of a friend to yourself, the kind of friend you would love to have and for others to be for you, and listen to your own story with love, empathy, compassion. Notice what stands out to you the most. Listen for answers you may be giving to yourself. The reason I’m asking you to do that is because I have found it helpful to me to do that with my own writing and sharing.

      Take care of yourself 🙂

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  7. PS: I just wanted to ad that the article about being raised by narcissists resonated sooo much. It would be great to read something solution-oriented about that topic. I am doing EMDR and affirmations at the moment, which really helps. Just a thought. =) x

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  8. Hello dearest Ursula,
    Thank you SOO much for your comments and posts, I will need some time to digest it. Thank you so much, there is so much information. I just feel that I have been so glued to your blog for weeks now that I am manifesting emotional toxicity in general and I feel I have to take a break. It’s my dream to meet you and hang out with you one day. =) I sometimes daydream that we write a book together about these people. It’s just a dream. I’ll check back in in a while.

    Lots of hugs and thanks again,

    Meg

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