Hidden Tensions

Hmm. We’re having trouble finding that site. Updating failed. Try again later. We can’t connect to the server… he’s fed up of serving you, carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, so he dropped it and just walked away leaving a trail of devastation in his wake.

And boom! The Wifi world which was whirring and whirling around in spasms of lostness has found its network… the world has been picked up again.

So you were just helping me to write my post, Internet, I wasn’t sure for a few minutes… I thought you might be telling me not to write this post.

I can’t always figure out what it is that you want from me… sometimes I don’t want to figure it out because it might lead me somewhere I don’t…

And bang! Just got a scammer call using that whole palaver about – your internet connection will be disconnected in the next 24 hours due to Bond villains however we can save your meaningless… sorry, static on the line, we meant meaningful money… more static, that Bond villain is sure making a mess of your line, but we can kill him if you just follow these spiked breadcrumbs to our con artists posing as heroes.

A few posts ago (here), I shared this:

  

What would you do first? from Brightside

  

That image comes from:  What Would You Do First in This Situation? The Result Can Reveal a Lot About You and there are additional questions asked by the site which are: How accurately do these characteristics describe your personality? Do you agree or disagree with all the descriptions?

What I would pick to do last is answer the telephone, because it’s the landline and the people who call me on that are mainly scam artists. The only reason I answer it at all is because a few non-scam artists also have the number… and my actual communication provider (who never calls me on the phone) offers the option to block scam callers.

So does that reveal that I’m not any of the following:

“Answering the phone can mean that you are a focused and diplomatic person. You are compulsory and it’s hard for you to accept the blunders of others. You can be described as a business person who’s able to do many things at the same time.


You can easily communicate with people. You like to make useful acquaintances and enjoy being in the spotlight.”

– interpretation for picking the telephone first via Brightside: What Would You Do First in This Situation? The Result Can Reveal a Lot About You

Haha! Yes, it does! I am indeed unfocused and tactless.

I’m non-compulsory (and yeah, that doesn’t make sense either way but it’s funny) and I really appreciate it when others are accepting of my bumbling, bungling blunders… it would be pretty shitty of me not to return the favour.

I can definitely be described as not a conventional businesslike person and I regularly successfully fail at doing more than one thing at a time. One of the reasons I hated learning to play the piano was because I couldn’t get one hand to play one thing while the other hand played another thing – my hands wanted to play the same thing together, why did everyone want me to split them up just to torture a tune out of an instrument!?

I suck at communicating with real people (unless I include myself in that category – that’s still a moot point) – imaginary people are far easier to communicate with, but even they can be difficult… find me difficult to talk to.

I would love to make useful acquaintances, but I not really sure who that is… and then I’d probably have to communicate with them, so… filed under yet another oops, sorry.

As for enjoying being in the spotlight… being interrogated is very tedious, the interrogators keep asking the same questions over and over, I think the needle may be stuck. My answers never seem to satisfy them perhaps that’s because they can’t hear my voice over the noise going in their heads which is torturing them from the inside out.

  

Free Daily Forecast from Astrodienst… apparently created just for me, uh huh, but that’s an excerpt from Robert Hand’s Planets in Transit which was written for everyone in general. I have the book and thus I have the missing portions.

  

Oh… you meant the other kind of spotlight, the supposedly good one…

Let me tell you about things which are supposedly good for you, which supposedly good people feel the need to tell you that you should do.

What? You don’t want to hear about something which creates quite a bit of hidden tension for me, and often oozes out of me until the tension isn’t as hidden as perhaps it should be since it often causes a lot of kersplattle.

Luckily for me, I no longer need anyone else to listen to me. The only person I need to hear me is me… and myself… and I… and the others within.

In facing your problems, you may feel that you are split into two personalities who are working at cross-purposes to each-other. One of these “persons” you can readily understand. It is your conscious personality, the one that you recognise as “yourself”. If you were to describe yourself to someone else, this is the personality you would describe.

But you have another personality, which appears in your unconscious compulsions, unbidden emotions and habits. Other people can see this side of you without difficulty, but you are usually unaware of it.

This personality is not negative, it is only different from the more conscious part of you.

The first personality is represented by the Sun, either natal or transiting, while the second is represented by the Moon. The square between the transiting Sun and natal Moon is expressed as irritability, proneness to upset or excessive emotionalism.

Unfortunately, this inward turmoil can also affect your outer world adversely.

– Robert Hand, Sun square Moon, Planets in Transit.

Robert Hand’s interpretations, while professional, informative and well done, always have a tendency to prod and poke my hidden tensions. I’m not sure why exactly.

Checking out his natal chart doesn’t reveal anything obvious to me which would explain why his style of communication rubs me (and my natal chart) up the wrong way.

If I hone in on the particular type of tension his interpretations seem to tap into…

(using my version of the Focusing technique)

…it’s not dissimilar to how I imagine Atlas felt when the world was placed back on his shoulders after he took a break from the burden. There’s an UGH! about it. Just when you thought you were out, they pull you back in.

There’s a heaviness placed on top of a restlessness… is the heaviness causing the restlessness or does the restlessness make something carried feel heavy?

Yesterday I read a wonderful post by The Girl From Jupiter – WHO AM I?: where does your sense of identity come from? – I came across it via – Pointless Overthinking: Where does your sense of Identity come from?

There’s a beautifully inspiring pondering paragraph at the end of that post:

“Personally, I find the idea of a non-constant self comforting. Think of it this way; if you are fundamentally not the same person you were in the past when you did that embarrassing thing age ten or when you said something mean or snappy to your mum, and the you now has learnt from those events then you do not have to feel guilty anymore for those things (of course this does then bring up the issue of when people are and aren’t responsible for past actions such as committing a crime but, man, that’s a discussion for another time).”

– excerpt from Thegirlfromjupiter: WHO AM I?: where does your sense of identity come from?

I’ve had identity and existential crises for most of my life. If I’m not in the middle of one, then I’m either about to begin one, or have just finished one off.

Astrologically the usual suspects for those kinds of experiences in my natal chart are:

natal Pluto in the 1st house of self (= regular trips into a very personal Hades), trine Sun (= the ego needs to shed its present skin because it’s suffocating the life out of life, a bit of destruction needs to be applied to let new creations arise),

and natal Uranus in the 1st conjunct natal Jupiter in the 2nd house of personal values (= let’s bust and burst out of these bonds, let’s get rid of it all to be free, we might have to kill the host body to do this…but it’ll be self-worth it!).

But there’s also natal Moon in the 12th house of self undoing, hidden enemies, the unconscious personal and collective… I used to dread my emotional nature and tried for years to pretend it wasn’t there.

Why? Well, partly because my emotions were treated like a threat to the identities of others, especially when their identities involved them being supposedly good. Good people, good parents, good pillars of the community, good… at censoring others to maintain their good facade.

And partly because they felt like a threat to me, to the identities given to me by others which were mainly supposedly bad. Bad child, bad daughter, bad influence, bad… at hiding what you’re feeling when you’re being censored to maintain the good facade of good people, good parents, good pillars of the community.

My emotions had to be killed off = suppressed, repressed, oppressed, locked away in a tomb in the dark shadow world of the 12th house.

  

La Boite de Pandore by Jules Lefebvre

  

Many of my posts… that’s me finally opening the box. Booyah!

Emotional self-undoing is nowadays about undoing the damage I did to myself by shutting my emotions away. Emotional undoing is nurturing and nourishing. There used to be all of these knots, and now there are fewer knots, looser knots, unraveled threads leading to interesting places within.

Hmmm… thinking about it, feeling my way along the trail through the labyrinth… that UGH! is most likely connected to my Moon in the 12th, and today the transiting Sun in Sagittarius – the truth seeker and speaker – is shining a spotlight on it, making it the centaur of attention (not my pun, see Why I’m not invited to play with other children for its source).

I remember the day that I had my first conscious existential identity crisis. That story is here: Strange Gifts – Selfishness

Long before that day I would, as a child, regularly announce: “I’m differente Ursula now!” (that’s not a typo, btw, it’s ‘different’ in Italian) much to the vexation of my mother (who was the one who brought my regular identity changes to my attention, mainly because she found them intensely irritating… just when she thought she had me pinned down ready to box up, I’d slip the bonds with which she was tying me up).

If you are in good shape emotionally, this can be an energizing transit that gives you both the emotional drive and physical energy to get moving. Whatever you do under this influence will be done with complete emotional conviction as well as strong intentions.

Remember, the source of most people’s problems with this transit is keeping the balance between your will and your emotions so that you can operate consciously and also be involved in what you do. If you can keep this balance, you will act with great conviction.

– Robert Hand, Sun square Moon, Planets in Transit.

One of the things I love about astrology, which makes it more useful than psychological interpretations, is that the way the interpretations are written (as long as they’re written by a decent astrologer and not an indecent one) gives good news along with bad news, the positive is woven into the negative and vice versa. And then it’s up to you to make of it what you will.

I have found more healing by exploring my wounds rather than plastering them over with face paint, fake smiles and other masks (I’ve tried that too… it only caused more pain).

I have found more blessings by investigating the curses which come with life rather than attempting to run away from the curses while cursing them for chasing me as I chased after blessings which didn’t belong to me.

And I have found that hidden tensions are worth being noticed and brought out of hiding, since they often explain why that thing happened again even though you tried so hard to avoid it this time.

Unfortunately, this inward turmoil can also affect your outer world adversely. Aside from the obvious problems that can arise if you are too touchy with everyone, there are also problems arising from the more external aspects of this symbolism.

For example, the Sun rules authority figures. You may react against bosses and other authority figures in a completely emotional way and have great difficulty dealing with them. Or your home life may be unusually upsetting today, with members of your family quarreling with each other or with you.

When this happens, you should try to find out whether you have been avoiding a problem that has brought about this situation.

– Robert Hand, Sun square Moon, Planets in Transit.

There’s a power in hidden tension which can both work for you and against you.

It’s very useful for writing blog posts… all that inner tension unleashed creatively. Ba-da-bing!

Speaking of creative release of tension…

A massive whoop shout out to Jameela Jamil for her excellent crusade against all those things which make us hate ourselves and our bodies, and cause an increase in tension inside and out – for more on what she’s doing please check out her Twitter: Jameela Jamil @ jameelajamil

And that’s it from me…

Over to you!

   

Marine Gods Paying Homage to Love by Eustache Le Sueur

  

This post is partly inspired by FOWC with Fandango — Trail – Join the League of Lord Fandango (follow his blog) to get writing prompts and other this’ and that’s! It’s fun and he has cookies 😉

Featured image is Atlas and the Hesperides by John Singer Sargent

4 thoughts on “Hidden Tensions

Add yours

  1. I usually don’t have the patience…or the time…to read “long” posts, say those over 700 or so words. At best, I will skim them, or skip them altogether. But I make an exception in your case. I find your posts, your writing, to be fascinating and so interesting. Definitely worth reading, and worth investing the time. Thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much, Fandango 🙂

      I don’t actually expect anyone to read my posts, other than myself, and if and when I review old posts I sometimes often skim-read because youch! Too many words! 😉 It’s always a wonderful bonus and compliment when someone else does read what I write. It is much appreciated, thank you for doing me the honour, and for commenting – that too is a much appreciated gesture.

      Btw, I just (sort of) answered your FPQ and it is a shorty post!

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Haha! Some questions are best left unanswered, or answered indirectly 😉

          I shall be intrigued to see whether you answer your own question and share your reason for asking that particular provocative question. The wording of the question gave the impression that it was highly charged with personal meaning. I haven’t yet checked to see if you’ve done a post on it. I’m guessing there will be a reference to DT in it.

          Liked by 1 person

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