No Matter How Strange It May Be

This post is… what is a post? Some people call posts – blogs. Which term is the correct one to use? Does it matter as long as you understand what someone is saying when they say it.

But that isn’t as easy as it seems, is it.

I often misunderstand what people are saying. I used to get frustrated with myself about it, in the same way that I would get distressed and annoyed when people misunderstood what I was saying.

The latter happened so regularly that I retreated into silence… people also misunderstood my silences. Which means that solution did not solve my problem.

When I have a problem, I tend to become a bit of a mad scientist about solving it.

More often than not the solution is a simple one, but I invariably end up trying out a multitude of complicated fixes which don’t fix anything and make an even bigger mess first, until I exhaust myself and give up on ever finding an answer… that’s when the simple solution may suddenly appear.

It may have been the obvious thing to do, but… it wasn’t obvious to me until it was.

Strangely enough, I am better at seeing the simple solution to other people’s problems. I think that may be the universe’s way of messing with me.

I’ve learned a lot from trying to offer others the simple solution to their problems… such as – don’t do it.

But mainly – I wonder how many people have tried to do that for me?

I’m getting a little bit better at hearing what they’re saying when they do that, rather than mishearing it and getting angry with them for not understanding that my problem is too complicated to be fixed by their simplistic solution.

Actually, unless they’re a narcissist or narcissistic type – motivated by ulterior motives, ego delusions, personal gain, greed and need, sneak thiefiness, superiority and inferiority complexes, hostility, wanting to screw you over, envy and jealousy, prejudice, etc – their simple solution to my problem is usually a good one.

All I had to do was retrain my reflex to reject the simple in favour of the complex. I’m still working on it.

Yesterday, I had an unexpected visitor. A lacewing landed on my computer screen, and stayed there for most of the day.

The pic above is photographic evidence… but of course you might think that I took a photo of a lacewing and another of my browser, and merged them together.

It’s up to you to decide what you believe. I know you know that, but I’m about to segue.

“Oh, my dear, if you only knew how strange is the matter regarding which I am here, it is you who would laugh. I have learned not to think little of any one’s belief, no matter how strange it may be. I have tried to keep an open mind, and it is not the ordinary things of life that could close it, but the strange things, the extraordinary things, the things that make one doubt if they be mad or sane.”

― Bram Stoker, Dracula

This week (I’m measuring the week starting from last Friday) has been a rather strange one. My mind has been a bit switched off, my emotions have been a bit turned on and up to intense. I briefly dipped into an old depressive pattern, but it went in a new direction and because it did, it lifted soon after.

I know I’m not the only one who has felt the strangeness of it. How do I know that… in great part thanks to the blogging community sharing their stories in posts on their blogs.

Below are a few posts which have inspired strange sparks, with some thoughts I had about them:

I just read:

Bottomless Coffee 007: I’ve Been Pretty Off Lately

I’ve only just followed his blog shortly after listening to his second podcast with Rory:

Bottomless Coffee 007: A Roaring Good Time, Rory and I Discuss Schedules,Writing and Animal Sounds

I was a bit wary of him. Not sure why. I think it may be because he’s wary of others, and because he’s wary of others and what they’ll do with what he shares of himself on his blog… he shares himself in a way which makes me wary of him.

I decided to follow him due to something he said to Rory in the podcast which led to a discussion about honesty in blogging, which then led to Rory writing this post and asking this question:

A Guy Called Bloke and K9 Doodlepip: Do you think … you are too honest for your blog, your readership and your audience?

I was also wary about sharing myself on my blog.

I didn’t use my own face for my profile pic until… I did. I did it soon after a long conversation on tumblr with someone who wanted to know what I looked like. It made me realise that I also like to know what people look like, and prefer it when they share their face (but don’t mind if they don’t since I didn’t used to either so I get it).

In my early posts I expressed myself cryptically. I used to do that offline too. Blogging has helped me to be more straightforward in my communication – just speak your thoughts and feelings as is, with a bit of consideration and mindfulness about what you’re doing.

I found that I could say anything I wanted in my posts, openly, freely, and most of the things I thought should be censored turned out to be the very things people enjoyed about my posts.

I also found that what gets me into trouble with others is when I’m being cryptic because of fear of revealing what I really think and feel.

A bonus of being open is that I don’t attract narcissists in the way that I used to. They prefer people who self-censor due to being afraid of displeasing others.

I used to be one of those people who was afraid of displeasing people. I agonised over the problem of how to be liked, loved, and how not to be rejected, hated. Trying hard never to upset anyone.

I did a lot of damage to myself, bending myself out of shape to fit the shape of others, squeezing myself into a skin which didn’t fit.

Censoring my thoughts and feelings so as not think and feel things which would hurt them, upset them.

Trying to only say what they wanted to hear. Be their source of self-esteem boosts, their private cheerleader.

And hating myself for doing that, while also hating myself when I failed to do that.

What was the prize if I succeeded in doing that? Mainly it seemed to be to become the personal doormat, whipping boy, and dumping ground of others. It was okay since I wouldn’t complain about it as that would displease them and make them reject me.

While reading the list shared in:

My Namaste 365 Online: To be an Empath

It suddenly struck me that my personal experience of being an ‘Empath’ is exactly the same as the C-PTSD symptoms I’ve experienced, particularly the hypervigilance (which makes you tune into what others are thinking and feeling and that can appear to others as though you’re psychic), thanks to being the child of two narcissists, and growing up in a hostile environment where survival depended upon pleasing two permanently angry always displeased explosive people.

That environment inspired me to view the world of human as hostile towards me, dog-eat-dog and I was a threat.

If they noticed you, you’d get attacked, eaten. Make yourself small, invisible. Whatever you do don’t stand out from the crowd as this will make you a prime target for annihilation. But you always stand out when you’re trying not to stand out to those who are looking for prey like you.

The question in this post:

Sarah Elizabeth Moore: Writing Prompt #5 – I stand out from the crowd because…

Takes on a whole different meaning when you consider it from the perspective of the predator looking for its next meal, and the prey trying to figure out how to not be Waldo.

What makes you stand out from the crowd, isn’t a question which you can answer for yourself. I used to try to find the answer, so that I wouldn’t stand out from the crowd… the solutions I applied tended to make me stand out like a sore thumb.

This post perfectly describes the dilemma of standing out:

A Fish Named Karen: When you’ve arrived

As well as the dilemma of losing yourself to please others in order to survive others.

It’s very easy to lose yourself…

This post and its question:

Fandango’s Provocative Question #13: Do you believe that size matters? Please explain your response.

To me, it is an example of just how easy it is to lose yourself…

You hear a question, your mind rushes to answer it.

You get caught up in the mental tidal wave of thoughts rushing to answer.

On top of that, someone is asking you not just for an answer, but an explanation to go with it.

And yet… They haven’t explained themselves, why they’re asking their question, and what they believe matters.

Do you believe that size matters, Fandango? Please explain your response.

As for me, I don’t believe anything matters… except when it does, but even then does it really matter or does it just seem to matter in that moment.

The lacewing on my computer, resting over the WordPress folder on my browser’s bookmarks bar… it mattered in that moment.

But in this moment it is a photograph made of pixels. Something shared in cyberspace. A memory stored for however long before forgotten in the mind… where is the mind stored, in the brain?

“I’m emphasizing the larger lesson of quantum mechanics: Neurons, brains, space … these are just symbols we use, they’re not real. It’s not that there’s a classical brain that does some quantum magic. It’s that there’s no brain! Quantum mechanics says that classical objects—including brains—don’t exist.”

– Donald D. Hoffman, The Case Against Reality

The article from which that excerpt above comes has a long, detailed and interesting answer to the question of the matter of size and beliefs about it, which I almost shared due a momentary loss of self, but then I found myself again.

That doesn’t matter to me.

Is this post a post or a blog, is it short, is it long, is it made of words or thoughts, are you understanding it or misunderstanding it, are you reading it or is it reading you?

When life gets strange… is it perhaps just getting real with you.

Here’s one last post:

Planet Waves: Working your Edge: Mars and Uranus

and an excerpt from it:

“As has been mentioned elsewhere — and as you’ve probably been feeling — we’re in a rather ‘edgy’ phase of astrology. This could be coming through several ways — such as needing to express something but never getting the right opportunity; or waiting for key information that feels like it will never arrive; or wanting to get moving with a plan or project but seeing no clear path forward. You can probably describe your own version of it — then again, perhaps struggling to identify and articulate what’s going on for you is a primary factor in the sensation (or maybe it’s just not that strong for you).”

– Amanda Painter, Working your Edge: Mars and Uranus

The simple solution to strangeness may be to just go with it… see where it leads.

Thank you, lacewing, for spreading your wings on WordPress.