There’s a lot of chaotic chatter on the airwaves about a certain person who wants to build a certain wall with other people’s money, and is so determined to do it that they’ve declared it an emergency.
This post isn’t about that story or that person or that wall.
This post is about my story, my person, and my walls, the ones I have built around myself, the heart of me, because of chaotic chattering which made me constantly feel as though I lived in a state of emergency.
I’m more open now than I used to be. Many of the walls I’ve built have come tumbling down… amusingly they began to come tumbling down on tumblr.
Before I started blogging I’d given up on being a part of the human world. I’d settled into a comfortable nothingness, waiting to die. For everything to be over and done with because I was over and done with it.
I wasn’t depressed anymore by then. When depressed I desperately clung to hope… such as the hope that one day I’d be welcomed into the human world rather than repeatedly rejected by it for one reason or another.
The reasons were often very good ones. Logical, convincing, believable. Obviously my existence was an aberration, and thus I was a problematic problem for other humans. Which made me a problematic problem for myself.
I spent about four decades trying to fix myself to be acceptable and accepted, but what is broken can’t fix what is broken.
What is broken is meant to be broken.
What is meant to be broken must spill out its contents.
Took me a long time to realise that’s what I was supposed to be doing, spilling myself out and into the world rather than attempting to keep it all in, hidden, secret, private, not bothering others with it.
Took me a long time to realise that building walls was the opposite of what I should be doing.
That buildings walls around myself, my heart, is exactly how not to protect yourself from being hurt by all the pain in this world of human.
If you build walls around yourself, you lock yourself up in a prison of your own making which bit by bit kills you. You may think you’re safe but the greatest danger and threat to you is in your safe place with you.
Once you’ve built your wall to stop the enemy from getting in…
You can’t get out either, and the enemy within has you all to itself.
The enemy within made you think the enemy was outside, and that you’d be safe if you protected yourself against it by building walls around yourself.
Put a lock on it, throw away the key.
Shut your heart off and then you will no longer feel.
Shut yourself in and then no one will get to you, take what is yours. You get to have it all to yourself.
Nothing gets in and nothing gets out. Energy stops flowing through you.
Slowly you die, trapped in a hell of your own making which you may be telling yourself is better than being trapped in the hell of someone else’s making… at least here you’re the one in control.
Since I’ve been blogging, I’ve been through many phases and stages of walls tumbling down, of releasing myself from self-imposed restrictions, limitations, patterns, identities, roles…
I’ve met my internal enemy online many times over.
The personal issues which you have offline, in the real world, with society, in relationships, with living, being, life, are all here online, in the unreal world, in social media, virtual relationships, cyber life, anonymous being, waiting for you.
You’ve logged into the game, the virtual version of the real version. How will you play it… most likely in the same way you live it when you’re logged out.
However the virtual world of blogging offers abilities, tools, weapons, allies, which can alter the course of how things play out. When you change the flow of your personal story here, it can change it there too, a knock on rippling effect.
By letting the walls tumble online, they tumbled offline too. By opening my heart through blogging, it opened my heart in my life offline in the real world too.
My heart is U…
…for Ursula, for Upturned Soul, for you to see, hear, touch, feel, like, love, take or leave, hate, dislike, steal, or ignore.
What you do is you, the heart of you. What I do is me, the heart of me.
I let the contents spill out, the more which flows out, the more which flows in.
Building walls stopped the flow, turning life to stone, petrified, cracked, festering, fermenting, poison leaking, a black hole of emptiness, frozen in time, fighting the same enemy over and over…