My Heart is U

There’s a lot of chaotic chatter on the airwaves about a certain person who wants to build a certain wall with other people’s money, and is so determined to do it that they’ve declared it an emergency.

This post isn’t about that story or that person or that wall.

This post is about my story, my person, and my walls, the ones I have built around myself, the heart of me, because of chaotic chattering which made me constantly feel as though I lived in a state of emergency.

I’m more open now than I used to be. Many of the walls I’ve built have come tumbling down… amusingly they began to come tumbling down on tumblr.

Before I started blogging I’d given up on being a part of the human world. I’d settled into a comfortable nothingness, waiting to die. For everything to be over and done with because I was over and done with it.

I wasn’t depressed anymore by then. When depressed I desperately clung to hope… such as the hope that one day I’d be welcomed into the human world rather than repeatedly rejected by it for one reason or another.

The reasons were often very good ones. Logical, convincing, believable. Obviously my existence was an aberration, and thus I was a problematic problem for other humans. Which made me a problematic problem for myself.

I spent about four decades trying to fix myself to be acceptable and accepted, but what is broken can’t fix what is broken.

What is broken is meant to be broken.

What is meant to be broken must spill out its contents.

Took me a long time to realise that’s what I was supposed to be doing, spilling myself out and into the world rather than attempting to keep it all in, hidden, secret, private, not bothering others with it.

Took me a long time to realise that building walls was the opposite of what I should be doing.

That buildings walls around myself, my heart, is exactly how not to protect yourself from being hurt by all the pain in this world of human.

Wishes made on Namsan Tower, Seoul by Jimmy McIntyre

If you build walls around yourself, you lock yourself up in a prison of your own making which bit by bit kills you. You may think you’re safe but the greatest danger and threat to you is in your safe place with you.

Once you’ve built your wall to stop the enemy from getting in…

You can’t get out either, and the enemy within has you all to itself.

The enemy within made you think the enemy was outside, and that you’d be safe if you protected yourself against it by building walls around yourself.

Put a lock on it, throw away the key.

Shut your heart off and then you will no longer feel.

Shut yourself in and then no one will get to you, take what is yours. You get to have it all to yourself.

Nothing gets in and nothing gets out. Energy stops flowing through you.

Slowly you die, trapped in a hell of your own making which you may be telling yourself is better than being trapped in the hell of someone else’s making… at least here you’re the one in control.

still from kdrama – Memories of the Alhambra

Since I’ve been blogging, I’ve been through many phases and stages of walls tumbling down, of releasing myself from self-imposed restrictions, limitations, patterns, identities, roles…

I’ve met my internal enemy online many times over.

The personal issues which you have offline, in the real world, with society, in relationships, with living, being, life, are all here online, in the unreal world, in social media, virtual relationships, cyber life, anonymous being, waiting for you.

You’ve logged into the game, the virtual version of the real version. How will you play it… most likely in the same way you live it when you’re logged out.

However the virtual world of blogging offers abilities, tools, weapons, allies, which can alter the course of how things play out. When you change the flow of your personal story here, it can change it there too, a knock on rippling effect.

By letting the walls tumble online, they tumbled offline too. By opening my heart through blogging, it opened my heart in my life offline in the real world too.

My heart is U…

Is You – Ailee from the soundtrack of Memories of Alhambra

…for Ursula, for Upturned Soul, for you to see, hear, touch, feel, like, love, take or leave, hate, dislike, steal, or ignore.

What you do is you, the heart of you. What I do is me, the heart of me.

I let the contents spill out, the more which flows out, the more which flows in.

Building walls stopped the flow, turning life to stone, petrified, cracked, festering, fermenting, poison leaking, a black hole of emptiness, frozen in time, fighting the same enemy over and over…


24 comments

  1. In my alphabet (which I’m reconstructing and blah blah) U is a container, to fill with whatever you want. It’s your vessel, that holds the essence of you and your spirit. Fill it with the good shit, whatever that may be.

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    • Yes, I finished watching it last night, hence the song being included in the post πŸ™‚

      It was very good, lots of action, adventure, mystery, unexpected twists, and food for thought about life. A lot of people who loved the drama didn’t like the ending but I thought it was perfect for the story. It’s not a traditional kdrama ending. But it’s not a traditional kdrama. It’s particularly enjoyable if you’re a video game player, and can see the overlaps of video game play and living life.

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      • I just started watching the drama. Was wondering what is the not traditional Kdrama ending? πŸ™‚

        Also found another song from the drama whose title I used for a post last night πŸ˜‰

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        • You’ll just have to watch it all the way through to find out πŸ˜‰ Or you could watch the last episode, read a recap/spoiler.

          Just read your wonderful post. Funnily enough that bit you quoted from me in it is something I was thinking about last night while trying to figure out the appeal of kdrama romances and the way they show them unfolding. It was partly inspired by watching the first few episodes of W (two worlds) which is also by the writer of Memories of the Alhambra, and thinking about the relationship between a creator and their creation.

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          • Lol yeah I’ll find out the ending

            Btw I just realized that I use the abbreviation atm (at the moment) for -at that moment as well πŸ˜€

            And I forgot to mention too, yes my muse has Merc in Aquarius too. In fact, both of your birthdays are just probably a day apart or even not if you consider the time difference.

            So if I’m not wrong, she will generally have the same planets placements as yours. The main difference would be the Ascendant she has, and I don’t know what’s her πŸ˜‰ lol

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            • I was born a day after Norman Reedus, a couple of days after Marilyn Manson, a few days after Michael Schumacher and Christy Turlington, and a week before David Grohl and Jason Bateman, so if your muse was born in the same year she’ll have similar placements to them too πŸ˜‰

              The Moon may be different which makes a big difference to feeling/emotional expression/nurturing/nourishment.

              And the Asc as you mentioned is hard to figure out if you don’t know the time. Trying to guess the Asc can be difficult, but not impossible. First impressions are a good guide for the Asc. So if you think about the first impression you had of her, you might be able to figure it out. If you can recall how she described herself initially that might help too, as we often make ‘I am’ statements which reflect our Asc.

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              • Yeah I noticed that when I was trying to create the astro for RR how the signs n planets varies with time and location πŸ˜‰

                Lol I won’t try to guess the Asc really. It’s too hard to pinpoint. And first impression may not always be accurate and can send out wrong information as well. Her moon is Virgo and she has an eye for details esp. aesthetically.

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  2. This is so true, whether you’re building personal walls or geopolitical walls. But when you’re busy building them, it’s hard to see much else. (There’s an old saying that my dad loved: when you’re up to your ass in alligators, it’s hard to remember why you wanted to clean out the swamp.” I think that walls are like that too. You start building them, and then it’s about the wall; everything else becomes a distant memory, including whether you should be doing it at all.)

    Do you know of Nadine Gordimer? She was a South African author who wrote a lot about walls and fear. One of my favourites of hers is “Once Upon a Time.” If you don’t already know it, you might like to give it a try. I also think that her mother may have been a narcissist.

    I’m glad that your walls have started tumbling. The you inside is just so much more. It’s been marvellous to see this. πŸ˜€

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  3. Oh, how familiar I am with walls, thinking them to be protection from being hurt.
    Took a lot to make a chink and then let them crumble. Some things still hurt, but you can’t help the way some people are and don’t let them get to you.
    Another good post Ursula. Glad to be one of your followers.

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  4. You have perfectly described what happened to my daughter’s mom-in-law after her divorce. She died two weeks ago inside the walled fortress of her own making, having shunned the advances of friends and family for decades. She rather spent her days feeling bitter and sorry for herself. So at the end, she was alone and unmourned. Her grandchildren have no fond memories of her because she refused to see them. She had so much to live for and plenty of this world’s goods which she could have shared along with her love. Such a tragic waste of over three decades. Instead of having fun with her sons and their families, she chose to wall herself up in a world of blame and resentment. So sad.

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    • Thank you for sharing, Sylvia πŸ™‚

      It is very sad. There’s nothing anyone else can do when someone does that. Even love can’t conquer the wall. Sometimes the more you try to get through their walls, the stronger and harder they resist. The walls have to come down from the inside, and it can be difficult to do that once the fortress is built. Blame and resentment, bitterness and self-pity are very sturdy once they’ve set in. In side the fortress you can’t see what is really outside of it, each wall warps the view and everything on the outside looks twisted, blurred and frightening.

      Sometimes what people leave behind is the inspiration to us not to be or become like that ourselves.

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  5. “What is broken is meant to be broken”…true to a certain degree. Have you tried building a new vessel?

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    • Consider an egg.

      Would a creature who has just hatched from an egg want to build a new egg or would they rather venture forth and experience life now that they have broken out of that egg.

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