I keep being hit by these intense inner waves of strong emotion. It’s not anger, or grief, or anything grim and gritty. It does feel as though it’s energy which has been held back, detained and contained.
It’s rather refreshing. I’m not sure what to do with it, so I’m not doing anything with it other than letting it wash through and over me… and waiting to see if it reveals a way it wants me to go.
While contemplating the information held within the wave flow, I’ve been keeping an eye out for things which tap into it and give the shapeless mass a shape. A channel, pipe, vase, glass, bathtub… or a swimming pool.
As a child, during the Summer holidays, if I wasn’t in my bedroom reading comic books, drawing while watching Japanese anime on TV, climbing trees, trying to flip the swing over the frame while I was on it, performing stunts on my bicycle… I was in the swimming pool spending most of my time underwater.
All those activities had one thing in common – I was following my heart, doing what made me feel good to be alive.
I learned a lot from doing those things, partly because I wove stories around and into the activities. I was a character in those stories doing those things… sometimes those activities were something other than they seemed. The pool was an ocean. The swing was a portal to another dimension.
You might wonder how you can do that with reading and watching TV… or maybe you did something similar yourself and know exactly how it’s done.
There’s a part of me which is always outside of me, watching me… as though I was a character in a TV show. Sometimes when I watch a TV show or film, it’s like watching myself.
I was reminded of that vividly the other day while sleepily watching a drama series. In it there’s this incredibly annoying woman who is living a life which isn’t hers.
She doesn’t like who she is naturally, and has been trying to be who she is not to avoid the pain and suffering which goes with being her natural self.
But being someone else has made her life painful and she’s suffering – she deals with that by wearing blinkers about it, and in those moments when the blinkers don’t block it out, she tells herself that she’s treading water until she can buy herself out of the life she doesn’t like and buy herself into the life she dreams about.
She ends up meeting someone who challenges the story she’s created for herself. This isn’t the first time her life and self narrative have been challenged, it happens regularly, but she’s an expert at denial, and other evasive tactics to stop her from facing the truth.
This person is different because they tapped into her heart, and what was held back within her, detained and contained is now leaking out, and the drip-drip-drip is becoming a flood as the crack widens due to the pressure of freed emotions.
At one point, after once again she’s moaned about how unfair life has been to her, this person tells her that her poor fate, bad luck, the unfairness comes not from life but from her:
So-ah says that she doesn’t want to feel responsible or sorry for things like this. She admits that she only wants to think of herself, and Ha-baek says that she won’t be able to live her life that way, because that’s not the sort of person she is.
To illustrate, he says that when you ride a bicycle, in order not to fall you have to turn the handle in the direction it’s falling in.
He asks So-ah, “Isn’t it just that you’re unaware of which direction your heart is trying to fall? If you keep trying to force yourself to steer in the other direction, you’ll fall over and grow ill.”– Bride of the Water God, episode 5 (recap by dramabeans)
Her character reminds me of myself, which is why I find her so annoying. Just like her, being me as I am naturally has brought pain and suffering, and just like her, I thought being someone else, going against the natural, would stop me from experiencing pain and suffering.
But it doesn’t, in fact, it makes the pain and suffering worse because not being yourself adds levels and layers of extra pain and suffering.
I figured that out years ago and have been better at steering in the direction of the fall. But there are certain areas where I’m still steering in the other direction.
It’s obviously time to deal with that and turn the handle towards where the heart wants to fall.
Blogging is one of the activities which my heart falls into, but sometimes my mind steps in and decides it wants to go the other way.
Watching the interaction drama of the mind and heart is a bizarre experience sometimes… who is the observer routing for, or is the observer impartial because either way there’ll be a story and a life adventure from which the observer can learn.
My mind wanted to take a break from blogging. My heart fell the other way. So here I am doing this, and watching myself do it.
Melanie of Sparks From A Combustible Mind’s Share Your World 3-18-19
Do You Have Any Guilty Pleasures?
For a long time I have considered doing anything which makes me feel good to be alive, which makes me feel good about myself, which requires me following my heart, to be something which falls under the category of “guilty pleasure”.
I was thinking about that yesterday evening while having a bath and letting a wave of intensity wash over me. The reason I mentioned the bath is because the water was steaming hot and it reminded me of something I’d read which had struck a heartfelt chord within me and flipped my attitude around.
On the Wikipedia page for the author, Harlan Ellison, Robert Bloch is quoted as having described him as “the only living organism I know whose natural habitat is hot water“. This had to do with Harlan Ellison’s natural inclination towards being outspoken and combative. That’s the way his heart fell, and he steered into the fall.
The idea of having a natural habitat which is “hot water” appealed to me greatly. The living organism that I am… what is its natural habitat? Is it also hot water? Is it something similar which is often considered by humans to be a habitat to be avoided due to all the trouble it brings down on you and causes for others.
Perhaps guilty pleasures reveal to us our natural habitats…
What Is The Worst Pick Up Line You Ever Heard?
Said to me or one I’ve heard or read, such as in a film or in one of those how to win at the game of people articles?
Said to me: I’ve never done the whole dating scene, bar and club hopping experience, I’ve only seen that on TV and in films. I did live in Italy though, and if you’re a female in Italy, especially if you look like a foreigner, it’s always open season on you.
One Summer a very beautiful friend of mine came to stay. Going into town, particularly Rome, where there were these packs of guys wandering the streets looking for females, was a bit like being in the gladiator arena.
The attention was mostly focused on my friend, the pick-up lines were the usual about how beautiful she was, and did she want a private tour guide to show her the hidden secrets of Rome, and my job was to protect her because she was American and not used to dealing with Italian charm and smarm.
If I had been alone, the guys would not have approached me because by that time I had already developed a look and attitude which warned others that their ego would suffer death by a thousand cuts.
Only the bravely foolish have tried to pick me up, and those type of people tend to use novel approaches which can be entertaining and get a thumbs up rather than a thumbs down.
Not used on me but heard/seen: Negging.
What’s The Worst Pick Up Line You’ve Used?
I thought it would be fun to answer this too, since it’s not just guys who do the picking up, but then I realised… I don’t think I’ve ever tried to pick anyone up.
Whenever I fancied someone I would ignore them – it doesn’t work as a pick-up tactic, so it could count as the worst.
What Slang Or Trend Makes You Feel Old?
Nothing new makes me feel old.
Slang and trends come and go, and lately I’m enjoying a period of being out of the loop-de-loop… and being loopy by not being in the loop. Being out of the loop is in some ways a youth elixir.
The other day I was thinking about what I called in that thought-conversation – “the youth-eaters”. Specifically I was thinking about older people who suck the youth out of young people in varying ways, and then toss the used up young people away when they’ve run dry.
That thought-conversation led to a tangent about baby-boomers.
Anything connected with baby-boomer mentality – that kind of mentality, just thinking about it makes me feel suddenly old, because it sucks the life out of living and shrivels you up.
The more I read up on the beef Millennials have with Boomers, the more I agree with Millennials.
I agreed with Millennials long before Millennials was a generation with a voice. When I was a young Gen-Xer… the world of the baby-boomers seemed like a nuclear wasteland to me. But since I’m a Gen-Xer no one cares about my whatever and I did nothing about it.
When I hear Boomers whining about the state of the world, I just want to slap them and say – this state of the world you’re moaning and groaning about, you did this! This is the orchard you planted, and those apples you’re complaining about being poisoned grew from your trees on your land. You’re reaping what you sowed.
And you’re still trying to steer in the other direction.
What Do You Consider The Most Over-rated Song?
I only listen to what catches my fancy when it comes to music, and don’t tend to listen to what everyone else says I should listen to unless it catches my fancy.
If everyone, past or present, is making a big deal out of a song… it’s interesting to me because of the information contained within that airwave wave.
What does this song say about our times, past or present. What does this obsession with this band or music tells us about us, about the collective consciousness and unconscious, here now or there then. And so on.
In other words – I can’t think of one atm.
You Find A Book And Begin To Read Only To Discover That It Is Your Life. You Get To The Point That You Are At Now, Do You Turn The Page Knowing That You Will Not Be Able To Change The Events To Come?
I used this question in a blogging award nomination post a while ago, as one for others to answer, so I didn’t answer it myself.
I’d turn the page and keep reading.
I’m human. Humans are blessed with a certain type of stubbornness, willfulness… I bet I think I can change things by reading about it.
I bet I think I’m changing things just by reading about them because knowing what will happen in advance changes things.
Except my reading this book and turning the page is in the book.
Share a Grateful For Tender Mercies (aka grateful, optimistic or happy) comment
Later in the evening after my bath…
I tried to talk to my partner about a big scandal I’ve been following which has been hogging the News headlines in South Korea.
It’s their version of the Harvey Weinstein case. Kevin Spacey. And other similar stories.
It’s #MeToo and Time’s Up.
It’s political corruption, abuse of power, greed, ambition, manipulation, cover-ups, and people getting away with all sorts of crimes thanks to connections, networking, blackmail, wealth, fame, armies of supporters willing to be blinkered and blinded to the truth, while the victims pay for it.
The president of the country has just weighed in on it, giving his support to a thorough investigation – Korea Times: Moon orders thorough probe into Jang Ja-yeon, Kpop scandals
There’s something very exciting to me about what is happening in the human world right now – we’re all being given an opportunity to change fate, destiny, the direction in which we fall.
But I saw my partner’s eyes glaze over as I talked about it. He wasn’t interested. He tried to be because I was, but he just wasn’t. I am grateful that he tries. I am grateful that his tries sometimes succeed. I am grateful when his tries don’t succeed because it makes me close in on myself and rethink.
My partner is one of those people who challenges me and makes me review the way I’m steering my bicycle. For that I am grateful because he does it with respect for me as I am, and gentleness from one human being to another who knows how fragile humans can be.
I have (in the faraway past) have heard some rude pickup lines, and I will spare writing them out, because of their content.
I, myself have never used a pickup line. Old fashion I guess.
My guilty pleasure is pretty weak, but I love lighting candles and listening to instrumental pieces.
When I think of it, I’m a pretty boring person. LOL! 😊
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Thank you very much, Beckie 🙂
You don’t come across as a boring person at all – I’ve read your About page. But if “I’m a pretty boring person” is code for “I’m content with simple pleasures” then that totally rocks! Candles and instrumental music sounds sumptuous. That’s Zen-master level of living life.
Pick-up lines are a fascinating chapter in the book of human relationships. I think some pick-up lines aren’t used to pick-up so much as to get noticed, be seen, stand out from the crowd, be remembered. The rude ones are a short cut. It’s like those who use them are saying – I know I’m going to get rejected, but you won’t forget me. Humans are weird. 🙂
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LOL! I was actually hit on by a male stripper once. He thought he was all that and then some… I couldn’t help but laugh at him as soon as he opened his mouth.
And, yes… My surroundings are very Zen like. I purposely made it that way to keep peace and calm in my life.
Heck, I just renovated and decorated my room to refelct all the things that I want to be surrounded by. 😉
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Fascinating. Thanks Ursula for Sharing Your World…it’s always a pleasure and I get lost in the context and subtext. I’m a Boomer. Tail end, but boomer is me. You identified why Boomers and Millennials may clash very well indeed. Here’s a spin on your perspective though: Yes, ‘we’ (Boomers) did sow an infertile field and there is poison and rotten fruit as a result. HOWEVER (you knew there’d be a ‘but’ in there, didn’t you?) we were handed a damaged world ourselves. The 70s (when I was a teenager) were a decade of apathy, ennui and ‘me’ thinking, and I watch in horror today as that trend is repeated by some millennials. My cousin lives next door to some of ‘them’ (and I hate the ‘us and them’ mentality, but I guess it’ll have to do for this). A rich parent bought the house for his/her child. Those Millennials don’t do anything at all. No upkeep of the yard, nothing. They mainly sit on the porch, sipping something (tea?) and making sarcastic remarks about passers by. The yard was a beautiful one with lots of flowers and plants, now it’s riddled with weeds and long grass which looks pretty bad, considering the comparison. I think that the millennials will find that, just like the Boomers, there is a mix of good and bad in the generation. Bill Gates and people like him invented the electronic ‘world’ we enjoy…they weren’t sitting on their hands whistling, like so many other boomers did. I am not meaning to sound like I’m dismissing your point of view at all. This is merely respectful commentary on my own point of view. Cheers!
Thank you very much, Melanie 🙂
I love me some “however”, it means the conversation just got interesting. Sharing our perspectives and experiences is how we flesh out the big picture, and figure out our part in the whole. Healthily debating how we can work with each other to make things work out for all of us. We’re all in this together, we all share responsibility in what’s happening now and all have to decide where we go from here. Do we keep pointing fingers at others, pointing out what they’re doing wrong, while feeling helpless because our finger pointing means someone else has been given all the power. Or do we look at ourselves, point at ourselves and recognise the personal power we each have to change what we don’t approve of and want to change.
I agree with you, Boomers were born into a post World War era, the world, society, values, rules, etc, had been wrecked and required rebuilding, restructuring. There was a lot of fear, confusion, and huge amounts of pain in the very air Boomers breathed growing up. There had been so much loss of life, livelihoods, land, homes, sanity – that’s a tough scenario to be born into. There were many disadvantages, but also some big advantages which came with it.
Every generation has to deal with what the generations before did. Every generation has to deal with what they do or don’t do, and how they affect the generations which come after them.
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Yes we do have to think that way about the world (which, whoever’s fault it is, is maybe permanently damaged) . I got chewed out by someone recently because I pulled out the “but I don’t have any children’ card. It was a discussion about taxes though, not the legacy we are leaving for those future generations. Great post here!
Now on a different and perhaps less appealing note:
On a different subject I nominated you for the Mystery Blogger Award. No obligation of course!
Thank you very much, Melanie 🙂 I enjoy being nominated for blog awards.
Now I am googling Korean scandal…
In South Korean entertainment news a celebrity dating another is often called a “scandal”. So you might get a lot of stories about fans getting upset over their bias (favourite celebrity) dating. Or celebrities apologising for having a private life. Agents confirming that their client is dating.
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enjoying everyone’s answers to these questions………visiting around the blogs , darn the library is closing soon
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Thank you, Sarah 🙂
I haven’t gotten around to reading other entries yet. It is intriguing to see how others interpret and answer the questions. You get to see how other people perceive and experience the world. Sometimes it is like stepping into an alternate reality for a moment, and it can bring a new awareness.
Depending on what measure you read, I am either a very young boomer or a very old Gen-Xer. So … that makes me selfish and careless/confused and ignored. Maybe both. 😉
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The shift point between generations seems to fluctuate depending on whose version of the generational guidelines you read. Some people add intermediary generations. A fun and different way of looking at it is from an astrological perspective. In astrology the outer planets, particularly Pluto and Uranus, are considered to have a generational influence, and the generations are divided up using those as the markers and shift points when they change sign. We’ve just moved into a new generation astrologically because of the recent change of sign of Uranus from Aries into Taurus.
This is an interesting take on it – http://philosopherswheel.com/generations.htm
This is their take on the now generation:
“”Silent searchers,” 2018-2025 (Generation Z-c) (Uranus in Taurus, Neptune in Pisces, Pluto in Capricorn) This generation will be very similar to the “silent generation” of the late 1930s. Confused seekers like their elder brothers and sisters, they will quietly keep many of their hopes and dreams to themselves until later in life, when they will effectively act on their desire to help others. But many in this group will be acquisitive and conformist due to their overweening desire for security.”
I’m at the very end of Gen-X, and astrologically I’m in the next generation which that site calls – “The Mellow Ones” – because of a Uranus sign shift from Virgo into Libra.
The astrological take on generations adds an intriguing angle because it uses the planets and signs to explain what the generational focus and energy is about.
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That’s fun. According to that article, I’m a part two baby boomer. Part two fits me. I’ve never been early for anything, except maybe dinner at my favourite restaurant. 😉
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Ah, last weekend I watched a documentary on the Weinstein case. Heard about when it happened but didn’t know who the man was. I googled Weinstein while watching the program, gosh, he is Pisces, it surprised me. Lol
The more glamorous it looks on the surface, the darker it gets on the inside. (That’s one of the things I learnt during my time in the nightlife industry.)
That part about your partner glazing over lol I was thinking about the top EPL players sex scandal 6/7 years ago perhaps he could related better, or maybe not. It was big news then. I followed the news then because those times I was into soccer betting and all these news/info are part of my research on a game 😀
Haha! Yes, when the talk turns to football it gets my partner’s full attention, he’s very passionately interested in it, he can talk for hours and hours about it and never get tired or bored. Then it’s my turn to have glazed over eyes 😉
Yesterday we were discussing the 2013 sex scandal case involving the South Korean vice justice minister – he went to a party which was more of an orgy and someone filmed him. I mentioned that it reminded me of Berlusconi’s “bunga bunga” parties in Italy. Before I knew it we were talking about AC Milan because Berlusconi owned the club. Our conversations often end up being about football.
One of the villains of football, Sepp Blatter, is a Pisces. There are many dark and murky scandals in the football world, because it it such a big business and money-maker.
You must have some very intriguing tales from your time working in the nightlife industry.
Lol Berlusconi, I always have a misconception he is a mafia turned into the politician, guess that notion might’ve stemmed from Mario Puzo’s Godfather series.
Intriguing tales? Yes, nightlife was very intriguing at first but after a decade I don’t know if anything is interesting anymore. Haha I did learnt a lot about women then, how clever some are really. How foolish some men can be. Or vice versa.
I worked awhile as a waiter in a big Chinese night club where there are hostesses to accompany these rich men while they are for drinks and business talks, later I saw it as the high class brothel. A night’s expenditure could easily comes to the 6 months’ wages of a factory worker lol. Then they are people from the showbiz too, all the similar scenarios arranging sexual services and stuff. Wasn’t there too long, money was ok but it’s hard work dealing with drunkards, hysterical hostesses, drugs and occasional fights, nothing serious though except clearing those broken glasses and mess. After that I switched to work as a bartender in karaoke pubs, bars and later one executive club for Japanese expatriates which was most interesting for me because it’s a different culture there.
Hmm… perhaps I should write a post about those days before my memory gets rusty 😉
Hey, I loved reading this.
I guess I have never used a pick up line.. But have definitely heard some really annoying ones.
Thank you very much, Moushmi 🙂
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