I keep being hit by these intense inner waves of strong emotion. It’s not anger, or grief, or anything grim and gritty. It does feel as though it’s energy which has been held back, detained and contained.
It’s rather refreshing. I’m not sure what to do with it, so I’m not doing anything with it other than letting it wash through and over me… and waiting to see if it reveals a way it wants me to go.
While contemplating the information held within the wave flow, I’ve been keeping an eye out for things which tap into it and give the shapeless mass a shape. A channel, pipe, vase, glass, bathtub… or a swimming pool.
As a child, during the Summer holidays, if I wasn’t in my bedroom reading comic books, drawing while watching Japanese anime on TV, climbing trees, trying to flip the swing over the frame while I was on it, performing stunts on my bicycle… I was in the swimming pool spending most of my time underwater.
All those activities had one thing in common – I was following my heart, doing what made me feel good to be alive.
I learned a lot from doing those things, partly because I wove stories around and into the activities. I was a character in those stories doing those things… sometimes those activities were something other than they seemed. The pool was an ocean. The swing was a portal to another dimension.
You might wonder how you can do that with reading and watching TV… or maybe you did something similar yourself and know exactly how it’s done.
There’s a part of me which is always outside of me, watching me… as though I was a character in a TV show. Sometimes when I watch a TV show or film, it’s like watching myself.
I was reminded of that vividly the other day while sleepily watching a drama series. In it there’s this incredibly annoying woman who is living a life which isn’t hers.
She doesn’t like who she is naturally, and has been trying to be who she is not to avoid the pain and suffering which goes with being her natural self.
But being someone else has made her life painful and she’s suffering – she deals with that by wearing blinkers about it, and in those moments when the blinkers don’t block it out, she tells herself that she’s treading water until she can buy herself out of the life she doesn’t like and buy herself into the life she dreams about.
She ends up meeting someone who challenges the story she’s created for herself. This isn’t the first time her life and self narrative have been challenged, it happens regularly, but she’s an expert at denial, and other evasive tactics to stop her from facing the truth.
This person is different because they tapped into her heart, and what was held back within her, detained and contained is now leaking out, and the drip-drip-drip is becoming a flood as the crack widens due to the pressure of freed emotions.
At one point, after once again she’s moaned about how unfair life has been to her, this person tells her that her poor fate, bad luck, the unfairness comes not from life but from her:
So-ah says that she doesn’t want to feel responsible or sorry for things like this. She admits that she only wants to think of herself, and Ha-baek says that she won’t be able to live her life that way, because that’s not the sort of person she is.
To illustrate, he says that when you ride a bicycle, in order not to fall you have to turn the handle in the direction it’s falling in.
He asks So-ah, “Isn’t it just that you’re unaware of which direction your heart is trying to fall? If you keep trying to force yourself to steer in the other direction, you’ll fall over and grow ill.”– Bride of the Water God, episode 5 (recap by dramabeans)
Her character reminds me of myself, which is why I find her so annoying. Just like her, being me as I am naturally has brought pain and suffering, and just like her, I thought being someone else, going against the natural, would stop me from experiencing pain and suffering.
But it doesn’t, in fact, it makes the pain and suffering worse because not being yourself adds levels and layers of extra pain and suffering.
I figured that out years ago and have been better at steering in the direction of the fall. But there are certain areas where I’m still steering in the other direction.
It’s obviously time to deal with that and turn the handle towards where the heart wants to fall.
Blogging is one of the activities which my heart falls into, but sometimes my mind steps in and decides it wants to go the other way.
Watching the interaction drama of the mind and heart is a bizarre experience sometimes… who is the observer routing for, or is the observer impartial because either way there’ll be a story and a life adventure from which the observer can learn.
My mind wanted to take a break from blogging. My heart fell the other way. So here I am doing this, and watching myself do it.
Melanie of Sparks From A Combustible Mind’s Share Your World 3-18-19
Do You Have Any Guilty Pleasures?
For a long time I have considered doing anything which makes me feel good to be alive, which makes me feel good about myself, which requires me following my heart, to be something which falls under the category of “guilty pleasure”.
I was thinking about that yesterday evening while having a bath and letting a wave of intensity wash over me. The reason I mentioned the bath is because the water was steaming hot and it reminded me of something I’d read which had struck a heartfelt chord within me and flipped my attitude around.
On the Wikipedia page for the author, Harlan Ellison, Robert Bloch is quoted as having described him as “the only living organism I know whose natural habitat is hot water“. This had to do with Harlan Ellison’s natural inclination towards being outspoken and combative. That’s the way his heart fell, and he steered into the fall.
The idea of having a natural habitat which is “hot water” appealed to me greatly. The living organism that I am… what is its natural habitat? Is it also hot water? Is it something similar which is often considered by humans to be a habitat to be avoided due to all the trouble it brings down on you and causes for others.
Perhaps guilty pleasures reveal to us our natural habitats…
What Is The Worst Pick Up Line You Ever Heard?
Said to me or one I’ve heard or read, such as in a film or in one of those how to win at the game of people articles?
Said to me: I’ve never done the whole dating scene, bar and club hopping experience, I’ve only seen that on TV and in films. I did live in Italy though, and if you’re a female in Italy, especially if you look like a foreigner, it’s always open season on you.
One Summer a very beautiful friend of mine came to stay. Going into town, particularly Rome, where there were these packs of guys wandering the streets looking for females, was a bit like being in the gladiator arena.
The attention was mostly focused on my friend, the pick-up lines were the usual about how beautiful she was, and did she want a private tour guide to show her the hidden secrets of Rome, and my job was to protect her because she was American and not used to dealing with Italian charm and smarm.
If I had been alone, the guys would not have approached me because by that time I had already developed a look and attitude which warned others that their ego would suffer death by a thousand cuts.
Only the bravely foolish have tried to pick me up, and those type of people tend to use novel approaches which can be entertaining and get a thumbs up rather than a thumbs down.
Not used on me but heard/seen: Negging.
What’s The Worst Pick Up Line You’ve Used?
I thought it would be fun to answer this too, since it’s not just guys who do the picking up, but then I realised… I don’t think I’ve ever tried to pick anyone up.
Whenever I fancied someone I would ignore them – it doesn’t work as a pick-up tactic, so it could count as the worst.
What Slang Or Trend Makes You Feel Old?
Nothing new makes me feel old.
Slang and trends come and go, and lately I’m enjoying a period of being out of the loop-de-loop… and being loopy by not being in the loop. Being out of the loop is in some ways a youth elixir.
The other day I was thinking about what I called in that thought-conversation – “the youth-eaters”. Specifically I was thinking about older people who suck the youth out of young people in varying ways, and then toss the used up young people away when they’ve run dry.
That thought-conversation led to a tangent about baby-boomers.
Anything connected with baby-boomer mentality – that kind of mentality, just thinking about it makes me feel suddenly old, because it sucks the life out of living and shrivels you up.
The more I read up on the beef Millennials have with Boomers, the more I agree with Millennials.
I agreed with Millennials long before Millennials was a generation with a voice. When I was a young Gen-Xer… the world of the baby-boomers seemed like a nuclear wasteland to me. But since I’m a Gen-Xer no one cares about my whatever and I did nothing about it.
When I hear Boomers whining about the state of the world, I just want to slap them and say – this state of the world you’re moaning and groaning about, you did this! This is the orchard you planted, and those apples you’re complaining about being poisoned grew from your trees on your land. You’re reaping what you sowed.
And you’re still trying to steer in the other direction.
What Do You Consider The Most Over-rated Song?
I only listen to what catches my fancy when it comes to music, and don’t tend to listen to what everyone else says I should listen to unless it catches my fancy.
If everyone, past or present, is making a big deal out of a song… it’s interesting to me because of the information contained within that airwave wave.
What does this song say about our times, past or present. What does this obsession with this band or music tells us about us, about the collective consciousness and unconscious, here now or there then. And so on.
In other words – I can’t think of one atm.
You Find A Book And Begin To Read Only To Discover That It Is Your Life. You Get To The Point That You Are At Now, Do You Turn The Page Knowing That You Will Not Be Able To Change The Events To Come?
I used this question in a blogging award nomination post a while ago, as one for others to answer, so I didn’t answer it myself.
I’d turn the page and keep reading.
I’m human. Humans are blessed with a certain type of stubbornness, willfulness… I bet I think I can change things by reading about it.
I bet I think I’m changing things just by reading about them because knowing what will happen in advance changes things.
Except my reading this book and turning the page is in the book.
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Later in the evening after my bath…
I tried to talk to my partner about a big scandal I’ve been following which has been hogging the News headlines in South Korea.
It’s their version of the Harvey Weinstein case. Kevin Spacey. And other similar stories.
It’s #MeToo and Time’s Up.
It’s political corruption, abuse of power, greed, ambition, manipulation, cover-ups, and people getting away with all sorts of crimes thanks to connections, networking, blackmail, wealth, fame, armies of supporters willing to be blinkered and blinded to the truth, while the victims pay for it.
The president of the country has just weighed in on it, giving his support to a thorough investigation – Korea Times: Moon orders thorough probe into Jang Ja-yeon, Kpop scandals
There’s something very exciting to me about what is happening in the human world right now – we’re all being given an opportunity to change fate, destiny, the direction in which we fall.
But I saw my partner’s eyes glaze over as I talked about it. He wasn’t interested. He tried to be because I was, but he just wasn’t. I am grateful that he tries. I am grateful that his tries sometimes succeed. I am grateful when his tries don’t succeed because it makes me close in on myself and rethink.
My partner is one of those people who challenges me and makes me review the way I’m steering my bicycle. For that I am grateful because he does it with respect for me as I am, and gentleness from one human being to another who knows how fragile humans can be.