SYW: Face To Face With Another You

Hi…

It’s time for Melanie of Sparks From A Combustible Mind’s Share Your World 4-22-19

Without further ado…

What was the last thing you read digital or print?

Apart from the news… which recently prompted me to read up on Sri Lanka to understand more about what is going on there at the moment.

One of the things which came up while seeking for more information was the concept of violent Buddhists. Violence and Buddhism theoretically shouldn’t go together, but… humans…

I first heard about violent Buddhists a while ago when the plight of the Rohingya made the front page of the news.

Other than that…

I do most of my reading online these days, and I wander around hither and thither, dipping into this and that.

This morning, while browsing Psychology Today, I came across a rather clever, insightful and interesting article: Ten Habits of Highly Toxic Total Jerks – Kick these 10 habits to prevent yourself from becoming one by Jeremy E. Sherman.

Here’s an excerpt:

1. Cut out the self-reported virtue: Enjoy the therapeutic benefits of self-affirmation but keep the pep talks to yourself. Don’t go around declaring that you’re honest, kind, nice, respectful and generous, that you have integrity, that you’re not into game-playing or hypocrisy. When you find yourself slipping into such self-flattery imagine an old, homely, horny guy hitting on a young beauty by insisting that he’s young and sexy. They see you. People know you by your actions, not your flattering self-reporting. You don’t get to override their interpretations with yours. Best to wince a little when you say things like “trust me,” or even “no really!” both of which translates as “If you don’t believe me, believe me, you should believe me.” If anything, your flattering self-reporting demonstrates that you don’t know what those positive qualities are other than good, much like the old, homely, horny guy apparently not knowing what young and sexy means, or indeed respectful.

7. Stop piling on moral principles as though the more you have, the more moral you are: Total jerks collect moral principles the way Imelda Marcos collected shoes as though the more they have, the higher their status. That’s not how morality works. Every moral rule you add compromises other moral rules. Always be positive? Always fight evil? There’s a tradeoff. See it? Always be tolerant? Always hold high standards? Again, a tradeoff. The people who collect moral principles like Imelda are not more moral but more hypocritical. They use their amassed moral principles as an arsenal to defend themselves against all threats and challenges. Do that and you’re well on your way to becoming a total jerk.

excerpt from Ten Habits of Highly Toxic Total Jerks by Jeremy E. Sherman.

One of the healthiest things I did for myself was to allow myself to see how much of a jerk I can be.

And also to see that it wasn’t something to hide, defend, be ashamed of, passive-aggressively pretend that I could never be a jerk (and thus be a total jerk about it), and other things like that, but instead view it as an intrinsic part of the experience of being human.

Once you accept your own inner jerk, own it, claim it, deal with it in a reasonable manner, it’s actually rather useful, an ally which helps you to understand yourself and other humans.

When you come across someone else who you think is being a jerk… you’ve probably been there, done that too (and if you haven’t… there’s always a chance up ahead that you might, especially if you’re being overly judgmental about them and their jerkdom… nothing like a humbling experience of doing that very thing you were oh so judgmental about when someone else did it to sort things out), and therefore can understand the reasons they’re being one, or why you’re seeing them as one.

Every now and then in the search term stats of my blog I find someone, sometimes more than one someone, is looking for information on how to ‘destroy‘ someone else. The other day it was – How to destroy a Capricorn. I know this will fall on willfully deaf ears but… if you’re doing that kind of a search, perhaps you might want to consider that the real problem person in the relationship isn’t the other person.

Doing a bit of a flip around has been very useful with my own relationship problems – it’s easier to ‘fix’ things when you’re the one who is being the jerk.

Trying to ‘fix’ other people especially to suit you and who you need others to be for you… that’s you being a jerk. Think about it – don’t you hate it when others try to ‘fix’ you and make you into who they want, need, you to be for them?

Are you more an extrovert or introvert?

Overall I am an Introvert – level Hermit.

My MBTI is INTP and our type can spend hours, months, years, eons totally oblivious to the fact that… all other people have disappeared off the face of the planet. Everyone has their fantasy daydreams of the perfect version of Earth, right?

Happy Earth Day, btw… srsly we need a day for this… only one day for this in an entire year?

Here’s an excerpt from a rather good interpretation of the INTP (although they did successfully fail at the end of the INTP section in trying to sell their at a price services by trying to manipulate an INTP with flattery):

Wisdom Begins in Wonder

They may appear to drift about in an unending daydream, but Logicians’ thought process is unceasing, and their minds buzz with ideas from the moment they wake up. This constant thinking can have the effect of making them look pensive and detached, as they are often conducting full-fledged debates in their own heads, but really Logicians are quite relaxed and friendly when they are with people they know, or who share their interests. However, this can be replaced by overwhelming shyness when Logician personalities are among unfamiliar faces, and friendly banter can quickly become combative if they believe their logical conclusions or theories are being criticized.

When Logicians are particularly excited, the conversation can border on incoherence as they try to explain the daisy-chain of logical conclusions that led to the formation of their latest idea. Oftentimes, Logicians will opt to simply move on from a topic before it’s ever understood what they were trying to say, rather than try to lay things out in plain terms.

The reverse can also be true when people explain their thought processes to Logicians in terms of subjectivity and feeling. Imagine an immensely complicated clockwork, taking in every fact and idea possible, processing them with a heavy dose of creative reasoning and returning the most logically sound results available – this is how the Logician mind works, and this type has little tolerance for an emotional monkey-wrench jamming their machines.

excerpt via 16 Personalities: Introduction to the INTP

When I’m alone, on my own, I can be extroverted – it’s an Introverted kind of Extroversion.

If I have to interact with other humans, then I will make an effort to not be too awkward… which often makes things even more awkward.

It’s better when I just do my own thing… others do their own thing… and the twain rarely meet. That applies to blogging too. It’s better when I just blog my own way and don’t get too involved in how others blog and view blogging.

How is your life different from what you imagined as a younger person?

I had a sudden random and intense flashback the other day about how I used to experience myself, others, life… it wasn’t pleasant because it tapped into and triggered an old wound.

However I felt comfortable enough in my own skin in the now to view it as it was and presented itself without retreating into old coping mechanisms… which was a relief because that way misery lies.

There are many different versions of a Younger-me throughout the years that I’ve been alive… let’s just say I’m glad that I’ve made it to the me that I am now, and have had the opportunity to view myself and life as I view it now.

My life now is very different from all the Younger-me’s imaginings… which is a good thing.

The creation and evolution of the internet has made a big difference to my experience of myself and thus life, the world, other people, and my place in the humaniverse.

Do you think about dying?   Does death scare you?  Why or why not?

The other day I was reading up on The Wheel of Life (Samsara). I got there in a circuitous manner… as I do with most things.

Wheel of Life (Samsara) – Kopan Monastery, Kathmandu, Nepal

One of the things I love about the image above is the fact that there’s an electrical outlet in it… it just seems so appropriate to have something like that there, as though you can choose to plug yourself in or not, turn yourself on or off.

I do think about dying.

Astrologically I have Pluto Rx (Rx = introspectively focused), the Lord of the Underworld, Death, in the 1st house of self/identity… I’ve been thinking about death since I was a child, in a myriad of ways, so it’s sort of part of me being me.

Of course it scares me – there are so many ways to die, most of which are painful… that shit hurts, and as a human I’m hard-wired to avoid pain and to survive at a primal level.

But there have been many moments, sometimes very long years of moments, when death seemed like an escape from the agony of being alive.

Death is a part of life… so whenever I think about life, I also consider the death side of life, and vice versa.

There are multiple ways of viewing the experience… I enjoy exploring those other ways.

I really loved this article about it – The Buddhist Six Realms of Desire and Samsara by Barbara O’Brien – because the author partly wrote it as though describing the different types of experience available in the being human world.

The description of the Asuras, the Hungry Ghosts, and the Hell Realm all sounded very similar to types of Narcissist, and what happens when we’re caught up in unhealthy Narcissistic tendencies.

The description of the Animal Realm, explained some things for me about those people who choose to remain a certain way even if that certain way causes them pain, and passes on pain to others.

We change when we’re ready to do so… how we change isn’t always in the way we plan, predict or want to.

Being human is something which is still a bit of a lot of a mystery.

Who has been the kindest to you in your life?

My partner. Mainly by accepting me as is… he has over the years taught me to do the same for myself, and for others too.

When you don’t accept yourself, you make life hell for yourself and thus for others too.

If you don’t accept yourself as you are, you’re not going to accept others as they are either.

Chances are that the reason you don’t accept yourself as you are is because you were taught not to be accepting of who you are naturally by others who didn’t accept themselves… human hands on to human what has been handed on to them by human and so it goes until we question it. Questioning it can shake the foundations of our structure of reality… which is kind of scary stuff.

But once you learn to accept yourself as you are… it becomes easier and more natural, spontaneous, to accept others as they are, which changes the world of relationships.

The Gratitude Scavenger Hunt challenge:

Find something that makes you happy.

This is me being a jerk…

The other night after pondering something which was bothering me, I did an online search.

I was curious to see how many results came up if I searched for – Why don’t people look things up online?

LMGTYF screen shot

Apparently quite a few people had wondered this too…

There were a lot of theories, mainly on forums and Q&A sites, about why some people just don’t use the internet to look stuff up.

This is such a regular pet peeve for those who do use the internet to look stuff up that there’s a website – LMGTYF – which allows you, the looker-ups, to make a statement to others, the non-looker-ups, about your pet peeve by linking them to an animation on how to use Google to look things up (see screen shot above).

The existence of a website like that made me chuckle…

Would I use it on someone?

No.

While I am a jerk, I’m not a total jerk (not yet, anyway)… I don’t think it’s a good thing to attempt to make someone else be who they are not and do what they don’t do simply because I have a pet peeve.

How each of us uses the internet is a reflection of who we are… so we should do it our way and discover ourselves through how we do it.

Something to give to someone else to make them smile.

Space to be themselves, do their own thing, say what they’d like to say.

Find one thing that you love to smell.

Mimosa – it’s an old nostalgic sensory memory. I’m not a particularly nostalgic person, so it’s quite lovely to have a bit of nostalgia.

Although at the moment I can’t actually smell anything due to a head cold which is lingering… in some ways it’s rather interesting not being able to smell anything.

Find one thing you enjoy looking at.

The Sky.

Find something that’s your favourite colour.

I don’t have a favourite colour.

But I like this image and its quirky message…

Find something you are thankful for in nature.

Nature… all of it. It’s fascinating!

Find something that you can use to make a gift for someone.

Anything and everything…. especially nothing. There are certain things which humans often consider to be a ‘nothing’ which are a powerful something when offered.

Find something that is useful for you.

It always surprises me what turns out to be useful for me… sometimes it’s exactly what I thought wasn’t useful at all.

On a mundane level, an old jam jar and a card have been very useful for collecting the bees which keep flying into the house and getting stuck going up and down on the window panes, and returning them to the outside (so they can come back in again).

I wonder if I get good karma for doing that… even if I don’t I’d do it anyway.

image from What Were You Raised By Wolves? by Verabee

That’s it for my take on SYW…

The title of my post comes from a TV show I’ve been watching, which adds closing captions to each episode. Episode 1’s closing caption is a question:

Q: Have you ever come face to face with another you?

Over to you…

11 comments

  1. Sorry to hear that your cold/man flu is dragging on. I thought you might not be recovered yet. I hope you feel better soon. 🌻

    I read the jerk article with interest. I have dealt with a difficult staff issue over the last several months with a string-pulling person spotting weaknesses and manipulating those around her to cause problems for those she doesn’t like. The jerk mantle fits her but I’ve mostly played around with the notion she might be a narcissist (or just rather tending that way). A couple of things have happened: she is on leave atm and as a result she avoided disciplinary action that was due to take place when she returns. In the meantime her proxy tried to assume her position (one of her manipulees) and I had to put out that fire, quickly and definitively.

    Once I did that, the atmosphere changed significantly. It’s gradually becoming better and better. In the meantime, shit-disturber person has decided to move on to another job.

    I have started to get that this individual is indeed a narcissist (I try to be cautious about this; you know, if the tool you have in your hand is a hammer, everything starts looking like a nail), and a particularly good one, if they can be described that way. The jerk behaviours came out when I frustrated her and she found it too difficult to keep her narcissism hidden.

    Thanks for passing on that article. It helped me to define the last few months. 🙂

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  2. Thanks Ursula for Sharing Your World. As always you provide a fascinating, unique look at the world! And in answer to your question at the end: Yes I have actually. PHYSICALLY I have ‘one of those faces’ and I look like a lot of other Utah persons (thanks ancestors for your polygamy and subsequent baby boom). I’ve been mistaken for others all my life. I think secretly it’s my super power….

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  3. I have to admit…I am more wary about the internet than I am of asking random strangers for information!

    When I do use the internet to check something…train times, the weather forecast, how to remove stains…I end up checking several websites because they all seem to give different results…and then I am baffled!

    I don’t know…I trust some of what I read, but I am so suspicious of being misled!

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    • Thank you for sharing, Mel 🙂

      That’s a very salient point. There is a lot of misinformation online which requires much double and triple checking, sifting through the results, as well as widely differing views about the same thing all claiming that their view is the right, righteous and only view you should have of it.

      The “How-To” searches can end up with confusing results as one person tells you to use lemon to clean everything while another tells you never to use lemon to clean anything, and so on. Then there are the ‘influencers’ who’ve been paid to promote certain products, and there are the ‘promoted’ results which have paid to be given preference in the search engine.

      It can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack when looking for information online. Sometimes it’s frustrating, sometimes it is great fun, sometimes the frustration makes it fun 😉

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  4. I’ve read numerous of your post when I stumbled upon your blog at first, surely it’s your Mercury in Aquarius mind’s expressions intrigues me since I also have Merc in Aquarius. From your posts before and now, there are some differences in tone. Not all of them though, I read the tone difference mainly from those crankier posts where you bleed yourself out.

    Not only ‘My life now is very different from all the Younger-me’s imaginings…’, I think the versions of the younger-you and you now are (maybe slightly) different… As a person, you’re maturing, while your state of mind is just-still changing and evolving in new spheres… Which is why you said you’re are aging backwards, or regressing. Am I making sense?..

    Reading your blog posts, past or new, is an enjoyable experience and I see why you enjoy reading when ones bare themselves lol It’s the same why I liking reading yours 😉 Aha. And the title cum ending question in this post, and the word ‘jerk’ recall some past memories which if I find time will put down on a post.

    Thank you, Ursula, for your blog. Hope you have recover from your flu already, if not soon. Take care 🙂

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    • Thank you very much, Reverist 🙂

      I’ve noticed that you’ve been checking out my older posts as you’ve been leaving a ‘Like’ trail 😉 The tone has changed, especially from my earliest posts since when I first started this blog I was going through a rather stressful experience which stirred up a lot of old issues. I did a lot of ‘bleeding’ and it helped to clear my mind bit by bit. The stressful experience thankfully eventually came to an end, and in the last couple of years I’ve become calmer internally, so the tone reflects that now. It was cathartic.

      I’m in a sort of maturing phase now, astrologically it’s a very Saturn take it slow and take long reflective looks time for me. But in about a month T-Uranus is going to aspect my Mars and Mercury… so… the tone may change again 😉

      When I answered the question about younger-me, I was thinking about it from an internal perspective, stuff I know about myself, about my feelings, emotions, thoughts, dreams, etc, which I’ve had over the decades, and I was thinking about decades worth of younger-me’s (younger-me’s who came long before I started blogging, and who wouldn’t have even considered blogging). While there is a difference between the me I am now and the me who started this blog, that difference is more slight, subtle. Internally thought I am very different from how I used to be decades ago, in my teens, 20’s, 30’s. However I’m more similar to how I used to be as a young child, I’ve returned to my root self, I guess in some ways.

      Yup, Mercury in Aqua is a big influence in my writing 😀

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      • Haha… yes, of course, the trail 😀 I’ve been clicking sparingly in case you get flooded with notifications from everywhere lol

        Many a times, I picked up some bits of myself that got buried in time from reading your posts. Sometimes it’s a shared sentiment, sometimes an expression in your post that evoke a memory or experience. And those bits of my thoughts mostly had never been expressed outwardly before. That’s what makes reading your blog fun 😉 Think I’ve said this vaguely the first time I commented on your blog which you might’ve thought were merely flattering compliments.

        In general, I realised too that I relate best with the Earth signs in the zodiac, especially Taurus people in my younger years, the Air signs engage me, while the Fire signs often turn me off and well, the Water people—we just the same element, that’s all. The Cancers I know are too much sentimental and Scorpios are a mystery that I almost never bother to unravel.

        After I let go of my ex relationship and went through a period of feeling nothing, I really wanted to revert back to a much younger self, 10 to 14 years old, those times my head was filled with funny ideas and full of questions. A lot of times I find the me then had more sense towards life or everything than the adult me.

        Oh yes, using astrology to explain the seasons in mood change is so appropriate 😉

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