Vocal Storms

It was temporal dysplasia… which is apparently a made-up condition created just for a special lead character in a TV show to make her even more special.

Oh, and I’ve figured out where the queen wasp is setting up her kingdom – in the shed. She buzzed me, circling my head, letting me know what I kind of wished I didn’t know as I was mixing plaster (the shed is my DIY alchemy lab)… things weren’t going smoothly anyway so that simply added another layer to the problems I was already having.

I’m going to leave things as is for now… which means they’ll probably stay that way forever until tomorrow.

Earlier I told myself that today wasn’t a good day for making decisions and acting on them (blogging is all about bad days for making decisions and acting on them πŸ˜‰ ), and if I insisted on ignoring my own advice I’d regret it, be visited by the kind of frustrations which I could avoid easily by taking my own advice.

What made me make that prediction? Did I check out my daily astro? Have a premonition?

It was due to a feeling of approaching temporal temporale (the Italian word for thunderstorm) which struck while I was going about some ordinary daily chores.

Although, weather-wise, it does feel as though there’s a possibility of an actual thunderstorm happening and hitting – big egg-filled flies keep coming into the house through open windows and flying around heavily, slightly maniacally, which tends to be a sign of stormy weather.

I find the weather inside tends to be influenced by the weather outside – if there’s electricity in the air, I often feel zappy. I feel zappy today with a side order of heavy fly filled with future maggots.

Today my mind was itching to get angry, mostly at myself because that’s more satisfying than getting angry at others or at things.

I can give as good as I get when I fight and argue with myself, and all of me wants it to go somewhere other than stay stuck in the fight/argument stage, so it can perhaps lead to aha moments.

My favourite types of aha moments are the ones which make me realise that the root of an issue is an attitude, belief, I AM status, or thought rut which I have that is basically no longer useful, and clinging on to it is causing chaos in the membrane and elsewhere.

I had one of those this morning as I woke from a dream and reviewed the information within the surreal scenario.

I’ll try to sum this up briefly – There was this clique and they excluded me very obviously. At first I felt the way they wanted me to feel – hurt for being excluded from their elitist group and desperate to belong, but then it occurred to me that the reason that I was excluded from the clique was because I didn’t have a part to play in the story of the queen of the clique – and that made me feel relieved and rather elated. I didn’t belong because I didn’t belong there and I really didn’t want to belong there.

That’s basically the nitty-gritty of narcissists – if they haven’t got a role in their drama for you to play, you’re excluded. However you can have a minor role as an outcast as that makes them feel more special. You’re the designated outsider who makes the designated insiders feel more insider-ish.

The more pain you feel, and express openly so that the insiders can recognise it, from being on the outside, the more pleasure they get from being on the inside. The more you try to belong to their group, the more they feel that their group is precious and special.

That dream and train of thought was partly inspired by reading this article from Academy of Ideas – The Outsider’s Guide to the Social World

I agreed with some of the article, but it was the aspects of it with which I didn’t agree that really got the internal conversation ball rolling… and it gathered moss.

If you check out my posts hoping I’ll write about narcissists, then I’d recommend reading that Academy of Ideas article since it touches upon a basic of narcissistic tendencies and behaviour in narcissists and in non-narcissists – the Social Mask/persona.

BTW, if you want me to write about something specific – just ask me.

Otherwise I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing the way I’m doing it – if that’s frustrating for you, just say so, vocalise it in the comments of a post (doesn’t matter which one, this one will do), and do it in a manner which will tempt me to go your way instead of mine (easier said than done, right).

Which brings me in a circuitous manner to Melanie’s recent questions for Share Your World.

I’m doing this SYW a bit differently from how I’ve been doing them recently because I like to change things up, or down, or sideways… and a few of the questions seem to me to be repeats from previous SYW’s (that’s not a criticism, Melanie, it’s an observation of the IMO type)…

Is it better to suspect something (bad or hurtful) and not know or to have your worst fears confirmed by sure knowledge?

This question, IMO, is similar to this one which you asked last week – When was the last time you snooped and found something or found out something you wish you hadn’t?

When I find myself asking the same question in different forms, there’s usually a core issue which is rising up from within which would like for me to face it and deal with it so we can move on to the next issue instead of going around in a circle. I’ve spent over half a lifetime going around and around on a personal merry-go-round… so these days I try to cut the ride short (I’ve been going around long enough, time to get off that particular rideit’s not fun anymore, was it ever fun?).

Whatever it is which is inspiring these questions for you, Melanie, and I suspect you’ll say nothing in particular is inspiring them because that’s what I would say if someone said to me what I’m saying to you…

I’d advise grabbing the bull by the horns, especially now that the bull (Taurus) is under the liberating influence of Uranus, and look at whatever it is squarely in the face and say (Taurus rules the throat & thus voice) whatever it is that you’re stomping the ground about and really snorting to say.

Will people reject you if you tell them what you really think?

Probably.

People are people, you’re a people…

How many people have you rejected because they told you what they really think and you didn’t like it?

How many times have you, perhaps long afterwards, seen the wisdom in and appreciated what they said, been grateful for an open and honest blurt in a world full of people-pleasing blurb… only you can’t tell them because you cut ties with them due to them saying that, and also due to you not wanting to tell them – you were right, I was wrong?

OR maybe you’re shying away from something you suspect will decimate reality and life as you know it… which you fear will tip you over the edge.

I’ve been over that edge a few times… because there’s only so long that the fingers can hold on and keep a body from falling into the abyss. Something most people won’t tell you about the abyss is – there’s a trampoline at the bottom of it.

What makes you laugh aloud? Crack up? Laugh until your sides split? When was the last time you had a great big belly laugh?

The last time you asked a question like this in SYW was when you were spiraling into a deep depression with suicidal ideation.

I’m glad you didn’t give in to your self-destructive tendencies then. We all have those (some will say they don’t, and can’t understand having them and those who have themthey’re often the ones who claim to be sensitive and empathic), they’re part of the human experience.

My favourite type of laughter is a low level throaty chuckle… at the insanity and inanity of human. At myself and the mess of me.

Outside of that, the Privacy Predicament ad-blocker bit of this comic series made me laugh rather uproariously recently:

More Maladies of the Information Age by Jen Sorensen

Any site which I visit that asks me to disable ad-blocker with a threat along the lines of – you’re the reason the world is a very bad place full of bad people… you’re killing us with your ad-blocker!!!! – makes me laugh at their blatant bs bluff.

That kind of approach is also narcissistic 101.

If my ad-blocker kills journalism then maybe it is time for journalism as it is to die.

Or maybe journalism shouldn’t be relying on adverts, sponsors and other corporations because ideally it should be impartial, deliver information not propaganda, and report the news not paid-for views… !?!

Do you suppose Noah had woodpeckers in the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?

Melanie put a bit of an apology-disclaimer on this question – I’ve removed it.

Here’s a woodpecker:

This woodpecker (in the above pic) is one of several which have been visiting my bird feeder. Today they’re being particularly voracious, and so they’re not as camera shy skittish as usual. I filled the feeder up this morning and… had to fill it up again at noon due to not much being left.

I always know when the woodpeckers have arrived for their feed because they kick up a vocal storm. It sounds like a cross between a complaint (go away human so we can feed – we can’t eat when you’re around) and a cry of exultation (yay, we can feed the hungry mouths of our babies and get some much needed energy for ourselves).

One woodpecker multi-tasked. It pecked the tree then pecked the fat balls in the feeder which set it swinging like a pendulum. Peck tree, peck feeder, peck tree, peck feeder, etc.

β€œWe choose our next world through what we learn in this one. Learn nothing, and the next world is the same as this one, all the same limitations and lead weights to overcome.”


― Richard Bach, Jonathan Livingston Seagull

There are a lot of bigger birds which rely on my feeder – the Jackdaws are the funniest because it’s almost as though they’re embarrassed to use the feeder, and are expecting humans to chase them away angrily because the bird feeder and the food in it should only be for the birds which humans approve of feeding from their feeder, the ones humans find cute, pretty, trendy, socially acceptable or whatever.

I don’t care which birds use the feeder… I feed the birds because it’s a form of tithing. Nature gives a lot to me, I give a little back… and try to give more but I’ll never catch up to what I get from it.

A news article I spotted today and skim-read spoke of global rising water levels, thus flooding, being worse than previously predicted… I live in an area which is below sea-level, I knew that when I bought the place, and knew that it was probably stupid if I wanted to factor in global warming and its effect on property, etc.

Let’s just say the upside is… if I fuck up or not with my DIY on my house, it doesn’t really matter in the long term.

Why is β€œCharlie” short for β€œCharles” when they are the same number of letters?

Why are you asking a question like this? Why do you want to know? What is it you’re really trying to figure out?

Or are you just trying to point out that you’ve noticed that humans do and say a lot of bizarre things?

Welcome to Bat Country!

If you call a “Charles” a “Charlie“… perhaps you’re letting him or her know that you consider them a “friend” rather than a “foe”…

Or maybe you’re putting them in their place – you thought you were going to “Charles” all over me, well, think again, I’m just letting you know that to me you’re a “Charlie” and that means I’m the “Charles” in this relationship! Thus it’s a belittling… adding “ie” or “y” to make a person and their name “little” or “littler than you“.

Or you’re training “Charles” to know your mood code based on your usage of “Charlie” or “Charles“. So it has nothing to do with letters of a name and everything to do with what “Charles” needs to know about you and your inner storms expressed vocally.

My real name is one of those which can be adjusted with an “ie” or “y”.

My mother used this to the max to let me know what I needed to know about her mood status – because that’s what my purpose and life was about, catering to her and her moods which were like thunderstorms, global warming, and could bring mass destruction of reality, pushing people over the edge at times.

If she called me by my full name = she was in full vocal storm mode and I could expect heavy dramatic showers which could last for centuries, causing flooding and washing me away, drowning was a probability (breathing underwater was necessary to survive). I was definitely a “foe” and that was a problem for me to deal with because her foes needed to deal with her issues and solve them for her so that she could shine and be happy like she said she was even if she was never that.

If she called me by my name with an “ie” or “y” then it = she was in a less pissy mood, she wanted me to entertain her, make her laugh (at me, aren’t I stupid, silly, dumb, ridiculous, little idiot, etc), prove to her that she was as lovely, light as she kept insisting she was.

I was named after a popular song… I should be something she wanted to hum and which made her feel good about herself, and got her lots of positive attention for singing it. Or something like that.

Interesting read about the things we might need to discuss and the things which we avoid discussing from Planet Waves – Three Conversations We Need To Have… especially considering that I recommended the book Eric mentions in his post to someone who recently asked me about another book about which I wrote a post a while ago that is hard to find.

β€œThe grandiose person is never really free; first because he is excessively dependent on admiration from others, and second, because his self-respect is dependent on qualities, functions, and achievements that can suddenly fail.”


― Alice Miller, The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self

What happened in your world this past week that made you feel thankful, joyful or grateful?

I pondered the anniversary of a massacre (The Gwangju Uprising – commemorated on May 18th) and considered myself lucky to be able to read about it, perhaps learn from what I read about it, and was grateful for not having to live through it or something similar.

I had some interesting aha moments… little ones… which may eventually join up into something more substantial or not.

I considered my options about how I react to things and people and… am glad that I can keep surprising myself with flexibility of being, doing and saying.

That’s it from me…

Over to you…

Seriously, if there’s something you’d like for me to write about in a post – just say so, ask, vocalise it.

If you stay quiet, silent, don’t say what you think, need, etc… then I won’t know, and I’d rather know.

β€œWe can’t stop here, this is bat country!”


― Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

13 comments

  1. I’m working on a story, not exactly fictional as it’s based on my RL experience. I’m stuck at some astrological aspects and also bits that I would like to have a second opinion, be it objective or subjective. Of course, the story has to do with my muse and I thought perhaps you could advise becos you are more adept in astro stuff than me and you’re a Cappy! πŸ™‚ Also , I mentioned writing something about past life so it’s interweave into the story as well.

    There is no way I could express my gratitude if you would help with this. However, you do get the factual side of the story and I’ll sate your curiosity on whatever issues, should you have any. But of course, this will be done in a private post or email since the story is still in making. Would you consider my request? πŸ˜‰

    The Rumi quote came to my mind the other day when I was writing the last post

    Like

    • Sure. I’ll do what I can. Wait until after I’ve helped you to decide whether you’re grateful about it or wished you’d never asked me to help πŸ˜‰

      I don’t use my blog email for correspondence, I use another one for that. Shall I email you at the email you use for commenting?

      Like

  2. I like to read what you decide to write, but if you wanted to write more about your DIY I would enjoy that. How much you have left, how you believe you might feel when you’re finished – like you’ve lost an old friend? Extremely happy? Or will this be an ongoing project (old houses are like that)? I’ve known some people whose “projects” are 20-yr hobbies. πŸ˜‰

    Great post, btw. I love the connections you make. πŸ™‚

    Like

    • Thank you very much, Lynette πŸ™‚

      You’re right, houses like this one always have a surprise in store, and it likes to wait until you think you’ve finally finished to spring the surprise on you. There’s so much that needs doing, and it takes a while to get around to doing it because first I have to stop freaking out about it πŸ˜‰

      I like that idea about writing more about the DIY. Last night we had a waterfall in the hallway.

      Liked by 1 person

      • “Last night we had a waterfall in the hallway.”

        Both beautiful and harrowing, perhaps not in equal measure.

        Like

        • I read one of those Feng Shui type of articles about plumbing, apparently plumbing is the emotional aspect of the house because water represents the emotions, and leaks happen when there’s an emotional imbalance in the house and maybe the residents of the house which needs to express itself and be addressed. It was an interesting perspective, especially considering what happens to human emotions when there’s a leak πŸ˜‰

          Liked by 1 person

  3. I love the Rumi quote and Thompson is always fun. Bat country indeed!
    Personally, I love your posts the way they are. I don’t actually follow that many blogs because I want to read the ones I do follow. I stress myself at times, thinking I’m getting behind on my reading. My issues. The point is, the blogs I follow are blogs that I feel a connection with. I wouldn’t want them to change too much or I might lose the connection. Yes, it’s all about meπŸ˜‰πŸ˜‚
    It’s been rainy and windy here in Southern California (yes, rain in SoCal😯) and it’s been making me twitchy. I’m so freakin sensitive to everything it’s amazing that I can function at all.
    Dreams are great insights if we listen to ourselvesπŸ‘

    Like

    • Thank you very much, Angie, what a wonderful compliment πŸ™‚

      I can relate to being freakin sensitive to everything and wondering how you function at all. People often tell me that I’m insensitive because viewed from the outside I can seem unfazed – that’s usually because I’ve rolled down the storm shutters to keep outside storms out and inside storms in, or my system has shorted itself due to sensory overload and I’m not feeling anything anymore πŸ˜‰

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Thanks Ursula for Sharing Your World. I hadn’t noticed particularly the repeats of questions, but you have clued me in that I need to be more creative and cast my nets further afield in search of interesting questions. The reason behind the silliness and perhaps inanity of those questions this week was simply I’ve had a series of headaches that keep coming and going and yes I need to get to the doctor to find out why. I know part of it is stress and the muscles or tendons in my neck are really stiff and they cause a lot of pain. This causes what Willow calls “brain fog”. One is not sharp in brain fog country. Apologies for the repeats. Aside from the physical pain though I’m in pretty good standing (mentally and emotionally) right now. So no worries! πŸ™‚

    Like

    • Thank you, Melanie πŸ™‚

      I’m familiar with physical pain related brain fog. I regularly get migraines which come with light sensitivity and other added extras. I’m also familiar with the other kind of brain fog associated with the side effects of narcissistic abuse. It’s not a nice experience in whatever form it takes. I know brain fog country well. Take good care of yourself, and do what you need to do for yourself.

      Everyone loves your SYW as is. I was just being very me and very INTP (my MBTI) about it. I tend to listen to what people are saying, and if I think people keep saying something I tend to wonder why people keep visiting that certain something. ‘Tis all.

      Never apologise for being yourself – been there done that over and over again, waste of time and energy although it does come with some learning and knowing which can be informative πŸ˜‰

      Like

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