Laughing Myself To Sleep

At one of the schools I attended there was a weekly class called “Music”. All I remember about it was that the teacher would plop a box full of instruments down in front of the pupils and tell us to pick one.

I invariably ended up with the triangle.

What I really wanted was the tambourine.

But I was a shy child (why do people seem to have such a problem with the word ‘shy’?) and always hesitated before doing anything when there were others around. I waited for everyone else to grab what they wanted, for the push and pull free for all to be over… and got what was left, what the other children didn’t want.

It’s okay, I had a tambourine at home. I also had an accordion… I have no idea who gave that to me or why, and I could never figure out how to play it because I couldn’t get my hands to do different things at the same time. My hands liked to play the same thing together – so piano was a bust too but my mother took a long time to let go of her insistence that I learn to play it… which left me with a distaste for the instrument. She was adept at inspiring in me a dislike for things.

Apparently no one ever wanted the triangle.

Last night as I was drifting off to sleep, my mind decided that that was the perfect time to remind me of “Music” class and to tell me that I could have been a professional triangle player.

I started to laugh…

I’d been in a slightly sad mood just before that… due to another thought discussion which went on mostly in imagery – I’d visualised myself viewed from behind sitting alone looking out to sea or maybe it was a field. At first it felt a bit painful, but then it was soothing… to move from one feeling to another required a small adjustment in perspective, a shift in focus.

The contemplative conversation had been about intrinsic aloneness.

It was a relaxing type of sadness, perfect for encouraging sleep, but my mind decided that I needed cheering up instead. I did tell my mind to cut it out, but that… only led to more laughter.

Before all of that I’d been late night surfing the internet, wandering around, doing some random searches.

Something earlier in the day had flipped the anger switch. I flipped it off. It flipped itself on again. I flipped it off again… I did that on and off for about an hour.

Then I forgot about it… until later while watching an episode of season 3 of Easy.

This season is really Mumblecore good, but also rather stressful at times to view. If you’re looking for a superb example of a less-panto and more-real-life female narcissist, it has one in the character of Andi. Episode 5, Swipe Left – is when she’s in full narcissistic gory glory.

It was the episode after that with Marc Maron – Episode 6, Blank Pages – which hit a chord for me about something, and I really wanted to talk about it with someone but as much as I can have those sort of conversations with my partner, I also can’t. He has a similar problem with me.

Some conversations are ones which you can only have with yourself… some things which we look for outside of ourselves can only be found within ourselves.

I was thinking about that while surfing and did a search for – where are deep people

Which had some interesting results.

This was a fun and clever article to read (the permalinks on that site are a mess) – Hack Spirit: 17 unique signs you have a deep and complex personality by Lachlan Brown

1) You say what you mean and mean what you say

So many people are afraid to speak their mind because they don’t want to be criticized.

They don’t want to be seen as “weird” for thinking differently than everyone else.

But you’re not like this.

You have to express what you feel because it would be inauthentic not to. It would be superficial, and in your mind, nothing good ever comes from superficial communication.

You know that if you’re going to develop meaningful connections with others and make a positive impact in life, then you have to ignore the naysayers and express yourself fully. It’s the only way.

– excerpt from Hack Spirit: 17 unique signs you have a deep and complex personality by Lachlan Brown

I think I’ve read Lachlan’s work before and may have even linked to that site or one of his other sites (his permalinks seem to be consistently messed up) before in a post.

This is also by him on – Ideapod: 15 undeniable signs you’re a deep thinker

What really made the latter stand out was a comment on it which simply said: “So THAT is my problem. I am just a deep thinker.

That’s a truly brilliant comment. Sometimes it is in the comments on a post or article where the real treasures of the deep can be found.

Then I read this – Learning Mind: 11 Struggles of Being a Deep Thinker in the Modern World by Anna LeMind

What I liked most about that article was the announcement at the bottom: “After numerous requests from our readers, we created a community aimed to bring like-minded deep thinkers around the world together. If you are interested, join our Facebook group “Deep Thinkers in the Modern World”.

It struck me as being a humorous paradox – to create a Facebook group for Deep Thinkers, especially considering what the author said about deep thinkers in point #2:

2. You have no interest in mainstream culture and popular activities

Similarly to the feeling of detachment, you don’t resonate with the interests and aspirations that are common to the majority of people and don’t enjoy things everyone loves. Those popular TV shows everyone talks about or usual activities like going shopping with your friends and talking about clothes only irritate you.

You often wonder how it’s possible to waste so much of time on the things that don’t really matter. In general, you have little or no interest in the mundane and material side of being.

– excerpt from Learning Mind: 11 Struggles of Being a Deep Thinker in the Modern World by Anna LeMind

Surely Facebook falls under the category of the mainstream and popular… But life and humans are full of paradoxes.

I spent a while skim-reading other articles out of curiosity:

Learning Mind: 7 Signs of Ignorant People Who Just Pretend to Be Smart by Sherrie

Learning Mind: 13 Commonly Misused Words That May Belie Your Intelligence by Janey Davies

Learning Mind: How to Find Your Authentic Self by Asking These 5 Simple Questions by Kolyanne Russ

Just as I was beginning to get annoyed with the whole must have a number in a post title trend, and the stupid versus clever theme, I came across this – Learning Mind: What Is Existential Intelligence and 10 Signs Yours Is Above Average by Kirstie Pursey

10 signs your existential intelligence is above average:

1. You spend hours lost in thought, contemplating various aspects of human existence.

2. When asked a question, you always look at the bigger picture and not just the details.

3. If you need to make a decision, you like to take every eventuality into account to see how the decision will affect you and others.

4. You are very interested in philosophical and religious debates.

5. You are interested in the morals and values of society and politics.

6. When you meet someone, it is important that they share the same values as you if you are to be friends.

7. You often consider the nature of consciousness.

8. You regularly wonder what happens to us after death as well as where we were before we were born.

9. Others find you quite intense at times.

10. You find it hard to switch off and enjoy frivolous activities.

– excerpt from Learning Mind: What Is Existential Intelligence and 10 Signs Yours Is Above Average by Kirstie Pursey

I made a mental note to check out Howard Gardner who is credited with creating the term – Existential Intelligence, and then I switched off the frivolous activity I was engaged in, easily.

“if you think you know what is going on, you haven’t got a clue about what’s going on.”

― Howard E. Gardner, Extraordinary Minds: Portraits Of 4 Exceptional Individuals And An Examination Of Our Own Extraordinariness

When you’re done, you’re done.

It was fun while it lasted.

It was an interesting site… but something about it left me feeling sad.

I think it was that mistake which I keep making. I’ve been practicing making this mistake since I was a child, but strangely enough I haven’t perfected the skill after all that practice.


  1. Hmm… unusual for the jester to display moody sad tones. But we all get that sometimes, I can be melancholic at times too.

    The links here look interesting but I’m rushing to do a test now. Will have to wait to check them out.

    Is it the weather getting grey? Anyway, hope your moody spell goes away soon 😉


    • I just shared what you said with my partner because in his experience it is usual for me to be moody. I’m very mercurial, both in mind and mood, in person. I guess it doesn’t come across on my blog. I thought it did. If I feel sad, then I’ll just be sad unless it’s impractical. I can switch moods at will if needs must, otherwise I let the internal weather do what it wants.

      Sadness is an intriguing mood to explore when you let it flow naturally and don’t try to interfere with what it’s expressing and revealing.


      • Eh, my bad for the quick offhand remark. Myself was in a melancholy state over the weekend, it lifted a bit after I read and commented on your previous post. In my case, I was channeling that sadness to another emotion or issue which, if not, would been mild. You’re right about my comment having great energy. That’s where the energy originated from.

        Yes, profound sadness is intriguing and you need to let it flow and reveal itself. I’ve live with fire add long as I can remember, guess I’m not the only one that feels this way. Some days I will let sadness drown me, other days I will try to divert it and at times the action can trigger a new perspective.

        Anyhow, it’s all subjective to how you want to experience it. So my silly comment at first attempting to lighten up your mood turned out to be futile and unnecessary 🙂


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