anupturnedsoul

WordPress Ate My Homework

Everything happens for a reason.

Often the reason for what happened is straightforward – it rained, you went outside, stepped in a puddle, and that is why your feet are wet.

There’s no mystery to it, no numinous meaning… or maybe there is.

Because your feet got wet you had to go home to change your shoes which made you late for an appointment with someone who would most likely penalise you for your lateness in some manner even if you explained the situation and were very apologetic in advance.

However on returning home you forgot about all the trouble this had caused because…

I’ll let you finish the story… if you’d like to, as I’m sure everyone has experienced a mishap which caused them to take a detour from their plans, chosen course, change direction, that turned out to be a blessing in disguise of a curse.

And yes, sometimes things go the other way, a blessing turns out to be a curse in disguise, a mishap leads to more mishaps and it feels as though everything is going wrong, from bad to worse without an end to it. And you end up shouting into the void “This can’t be happening, why is this happening to me, what did I do to deserve this!“

I used to think that I was cursed to never fall in love, to love or be loved. In retrospect, that was a silly fear, but at the time it did not seem silly at all, I took it very seriously.

I struggled with it until I couldn’t stand the struggling anymore, decided to give up, accept my loveless fate – that’s when a mishap caused a change in direction and I ended up where I hadn’t planned to go and met my partner.

Which brings me to the Share Your World questions I did not answer in my previous post – It’s like looking for a needle that no one ever lost in a haystack that never was.

I actually did answer them, but WordPress ate my homework. A glitch occurred when I pressed publish. I’ve learned to listen to blogging glitches and take their advice.

PLEASE NOTE:

Melanie, the master of ceremonies for Share Your World, is going through a change of direction of her own – her URL is changing from .com to .blog.

Here’s the link to her latest Share Your World with her new URL: Sparksfromacombustiblemind.blog – Share Your World 6-3-19

It looks great, Melanie, and the shift seems to have shifted smoothly.

As the Italians say: If they’re roses they will bloom…

Now on to the questions I didn’t answer…

What is the silliest fear you have? 

I have been a collector of silly fears throughout my life.

They never seem silly when you’re in the grip of them, they appear to be intensely serious, possibly deadly…

I have managed to shed a few over the years, particularly those which weren’t mine, which I absorbed from others.

Fear is contagious, and it is easy to get infected with the fears of others. I am sometimes fearful of infecting others with my fears, so I try to keep my fears to myself.

I also worry that if I give voice to a fear, I’ll cause it to happen… however more often than not I’ve found the opposite to be true. Keeping it quiet, not speaking about it for fear of making it so, tends to build energy around it, making it more powerful. Talking about it tends to sap it of its strength.

I can worry myself stupid over the dumbest things… and have done many stupid, silly, dumb things because of my fears. I am fearful of doing dumb, stupid and silly things because of being fearful.

I occasionally worry that someone will want to hunt me down and kill me because of something I shared on my blog. I know why I have that fear, it’s to do with growing up with narcissists and the effect they have on you – they’re always threatening to kill you, destroy you, if you say or do anything which bothers them (everything about you bothers them, particularly when you’re their child, and you end up riddled with existential fear).

One of the reasons I like astrology is because it helps me to put my fears into perspective, it gives me a different angle to approach and view them.

Lately I’ve been looking up information about the asteroid Chiron – it shows where your ‘wound’ is.

My natal Chiron is in the 7th house of partnership/relationships:

Chiron in Libra / in the 7th : No one likes me

Difficulties in the social life as there are issues with relating to others. Difficulties in getting others to know who you are truly and therefore difficulties being liked. Pain around love affairs as in being dependant to others or being hurt by others.

The attitude is overall hesitant, uncertain, gullible, non committal.

Submissive/dominated relationships as well as a difficulty to find a balance between being giving and not.

Physical symptoms: Metabolism issues, diabetes, blood circulation, bladder, liver, glands issues.

Negative thoughts: I’m not lovable, I don’t have good tastes, I don’t deserve to be loved.

Healing: Working on the balance, cooperation with others, communicating.

At the same time, working on being more decisive while staying fair.

– excerpt from Look Up The Stars: Chiron in the natal chart: What hurts?

Transiting Chiron recently returned to its natal position, and coincided with a review of old hurts, woundings, fears, worries.

It has just changed signs from Pisces to Aries. I noticed a shift in my worries, fears, checked my chart and saw that a couple of transiting planets were changing house.

T-Chiron caught my attention. It has just crossed the cusp from the 7th to the 8th house.

Chiron in Scorpio / in the 8th House: No one can be trusted

Difficulties in achieving real intimacy. Difficulties in letting go. Possibility to either be emotionally dependent and/or manipulated, rejected, controlled by a partner.

The thoughts can be negative and self-sabotaging, bitterness, pettiness, and jealousy.

The negative feelings can be strong when triggered: hate, obsession, rage.

Physical symptoms: Uterus and genitals issues are possible. Anything related to procreation as well as anal region.

Negative thoughts: I can’t trust anyone, I can’t be trusted, people are fundamentally bad.

Healing: Any therapy that allows working on letting go, deep psychology/astrology/therapy, practicing gratitude, meditation and getting to know the shadow self to release any unwanted negative feelings.

– excerpt from Look Up The Stars: Chiron in the natal chart: What hurts?

In the post which WordPress ate, I touched upon a few of the ideas in the excerpt above for Chiron in the 8th – I read that interpretation afterwards and went Hmmm…

Mind you, I can relate to all of the fears, wounds, hurts listed in that post for Chiron through the houses:

  • Chiron Aries/1st : I’m unbalanced
  • Chiron in Taurus/2nd: I’m worthless
  • Chiron in Gemini / 3rd: I’m misunderstood
  • Chiron in Cancer / 4th House: I’m abandoned
  • Chiron in Leo / 5th House: There’s nothing special about me
  • Chiron in Virgo/ 6th House: I’m useless
  • Chiron in Libra / in the 7th : No one likes me
  • Chiron in Scorpio / in the 8th House: No one can be trusted
  • Chiron in Sagittarius / in the 9th House: My truth is the ultimate truth
  • Chiron in Capricorn / in the 10th House: I’m my worst critic
  • Chiron in Aquarius / in the 11th house: Do I need to fit in the mould?
  • Chiron in Pisces / in the 12th house: The world is too harsh

I’m very versatile when it comes to experiencing fear… thanks to the sword of Damocles which my parents placed over my head. There’s nothing scarier than having something good happen to you or feeling good about yourself when you live with narcissists – How very dare you, you must pay for this crime which you have committed against them!

Out of your family members, who are you closest to?

I’m not close to anyone in my family of origin. Blood is not thicker than water for me. The main lesson I learned from my family was to trust no one… unless it was to trust them to lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, hate you, envy you, stab you in the back, screw you over, set you up for a fall, throw you to the wolves, use you to protect themselves, scapegoat you, and other things along those lines.

I also learned not to trust myself as I regularly betrayed myself by trusting my family with the wrong type of trust.

Meeting my partner turned my world upside down in a multitude of ways. He is nothing like my family of origin. I am very close to him, there’s a natural affinity between us which shows up in the smallest of things.

The other day while we were at a garden centre, I stopped in my tracks and gasped. I didn’t need to explain myself to him. He knew exactly what had happened because he had a similar reaction.

We, separately and together, spotted this:

Cleopatra by Edge Sculpture (photo by me)

What is something you’ll NEVER do again?

There are many things which I will naturally never do again, not in this lifetime anyway.

I won’t be going through puberty again, not physically anyway.

I did however feel as though I went through a second puberty after I started blogging. I was finally able to rebel properly against my parents in ways I hadn’t when I was a teenager. It was as though the urge had been blocked and put on hold for decades and then the floodgate was opened.

It was very liberating.

When I first started blogging, transiting Uranus was in my 7th house in opposition to my natal Uranus in the 1st house of self. Then it moved through my 8th house, causing a death of sorts to an old way of being, releasing me from many old fears… or at least giving me an opportunity to do all of that if I opened the door to it.

In recent years I have done a lot of things which I thought I would never do. I have also done things which I thought I would never do again, or have the chance to do again.

If you’d like, please share a photo or a comment about something good that’s happened recently! 

The photo of the roses above is of a plant in my garden which has gone blooming mad this year. It’s stunning!

I have a very silly fear about it, even though it is nowhere near the honey fungus death zone, I worry that this amazingly rich and beautiful flowering of the rose plant signals its death. Plants affected by honey fungus may bloom, flower, fruit, leaf more abundantly than ever before because they know they’re being killed by the honey fungus and this is their last hurrah.

What is that fear really about…

14 comments

  1. Stressful week for me and this would only over after tomorrow, I’m already prepared for another sleepless night with two cans of Red Bull lol. Just scrolling the WP reader on my journey home. I haven’t read your post in detail yet… But the picture of Cleopatra bust got my attention. What was it that startled you?

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      • Thank you, Ursula. I will…🤧 Excuse me…lol just caught a flu, be fine after some meds though.

        Ya the sculpture is gorgeous, I like it that the eyeballs were different in color like it represent duality/polarity…

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  2. Hi Ursula. I was directed to your blog from Lynette, because I have narcissist parents. It sounds like mine are not quite as severe as yours. I liken them to Don and Betty Draper in the TV show Mad Men. Don’t know if you’ve ever seen it, but my parents’ personalities are similar to theirs. As far as worrying and fear, that has been a huge thing in my life. I once went to a palm reader who, when he first looked at my palms, immediately said, “You’re a worrier.” This is not a good thing, because it leads to anxiety and panic attacks. Thankfully, I have only had one panic attack in my life, but I feel as if I have to beware of this at all times in order to keep it from happening again.

    Quick note, I know this may seem impossible, but my parents narcissism has softened in their old age. My therapist told me that even though the narcissism remains, it can soften in some in old age. It makes it a tad bit easier to deal with them. In addition to my having learned how to maneuver around their tactics.

    One more quick note, I’m not as into astrology like you, but I fit my horoscope sign perfectly. If you want to know anything about me, I’m a Libra. Balance and justice are my mantra.

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    • Hi Lori, thank you for sharing 🙂

      I’m familiar with Don and Betty Draper, although I didn’t watch the whole series partly because there was just too much narcissistic behaviour in it from most of the characters and I found it stressful rather than entertaining viewing. It is however the sort of series which shows how narcissistic behaviour gets normalised, glamourised, encouraged, and is pervasive in certain social circles, so it can be elucidating to view. I’ve had quite a few personal aha moments thanks to something in a TV show or film. The film director, Noah Baumbach, is particularly talented at portraying narcissists in his films. The Squid and the Whale and The Meyerowitz Stories are rather interesting and insightful to watch for a child of narcissist parents.

      Both of my parents got worse as they aged, but that was largely due to them having to deal with the consequences of their past actions which neither of them ever wanted to deal with. They were also very addicted to the nightmarish dramas they created.

      I don’t think it’s impossible for narcissistic tendencies to soften with age. If the main triggers and stressors in a narcissist’s life are removed or lessened, and they feel more relaxed about their status, then it could lead to them being less triggered and stressed. A narcissist being triggered and stressed is what makes them particularly difficult for those around them because they deal with it by taking it out on others, passing it on like a parcel, by creating drama and seeking relief by acting out. When a narcissist feels good about themselves, not threatened, they can be almost pleasant to be around.

      It’s worth putting more emphasis on the fact that you’ve “learned how to maneuver around their tactics”. So the appearance of your parents narcissism softening may more likely be the result of how you interact with them. You actually have more power in the relationship than they do because narcissists are mainly reactive, reacting to others, to how they perceive others. You changing how you interact with them will change how they perceive you, and thus how they react to you. If a narcissist feels ‘safe’ in your company, they’ll be less aggressive and more passive.

      A very important healing element for a child of narcissists is to – give yourself credit when and where credit is due. So if they’ve changed it is most likely because you’ve changed how you deal with them, and you’ve worked on being less affected by their behaviour which would alter how they affect you and the effect they have on you which means they have to alter their behaviour around you. The kudos goes to you!

      Libras have a natural gift for diplomacy 🙂

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      • Ursula, thank you for taking the time to respond to my comment. I hadn’t thought that my parents softening had to do with my change in dealing with them. I thank you for pointing that out.

        I see what you mean about your parents paying consequences of their actions. My parents did go through that. I also see what you mean about when stresses and triggers are removed, they’re more pleasant.

        I can really relate to what you’ve said, so I also get what you mean about the show Mad Men. I watched the seasons on a few separate binges. I was intrigued, mostly because I kept hoping and praying the characters would learn and grow. In the end, they never did. That really disappointed me. I’m a writer, and I could not write a main character without growth.

        I’m sure we could tell each other plenty of stories. You probably have many of yours on this blog. If and when I get the time, I’ll have to check back and read them. In the mean time, my experiences have been good material for “fiction” writing. 😉

        Thank you again. Have a great weekend.

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  4. Whoa! That Cleopatra… Wow! That quote from Tom Petty is spot on, but sometimes it’s so difficult to remember when you’re in the middle of all the drama. I’ve been given many opportunities to learn. Life is not a kindly teacher in my experience, but the lessons have strengthened me.
    I haven’t had a relationship/partner since I split with my husband. I had a few flings but nothing beyond physical really. I don’t actively avoid, but I don’t go looking either. I don’t want to put in the time right now. King Ben is ten years old and he’s currently my “main man”😉 If the universe sends me a partner, I’m open to it. Until then, I’m very happy with my own company.
    I can relate to the fear of someone coming after you. My ex, while maybe not a full blown narcissist, definitely has the tendencies. He threatened to hunt me down and kill me many times. I believed him. He lives 2000 miles away and that’s barely far enough.💌🌹🌻

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  5. A very good friend of mine (her father was a narcissist whom she only saw because her mom was trapped) once remarked to me, “blood is thicker than water, but so is shit.” I think that says it all.

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