The House of Self Undoing

I think this is going to be my last post…

of the series I’ve been doing recently.

I’ve been using the traffic jam of planetary transits in the 12th house of my astrology chart as a guide.

Now those planets are beginning to plop down from the 12th into my 1st house – the house of out in the open self.

Venus, goddess of don’t say you’re more beautiful than me or I’ll rain hell down on you and love, love me, love me, love me, is the first to do that.

My favourite and only pair of good jeans which I really shouldn’t have been using for gardening and earth-moving (but Venus is in Virgo – an earth sign) just popped their zipper… how perfectly Venus in the 1st of them! Alas alack I must get myself some new clothes with which to adorn myself so that I can be beautiful on the surface…

I hate shopping for new clothes… it makes me freak out to do that kind of thing. I want my own clothes to keep being okay!!! WAH!!!

And yes, I do know how to sew… sewing is how I keep my old clothes going way beyond that point where I should really have bought a new one. Please let us die, Ursula, please stop cobbling us together into Frankenclothes… it hurts, it hurts us and your fingers because you can’t figure out how to use a thimble and refuse to own a sewing machine!

The 12th house is sometimes called – the House of Self Undoing.

When I first came across that name for it, I freaked out – OMG!!! My Moon is there!!! – the Moon represents a bunch of stuff like nurturing, nourishment, Mommie Dearest, emotions, feelings, etc. So… food will be my undoing? Caring will kill me? FEELING ANYTHING WILL UNRAVEL ME…. sorry, CAPS accidentally got pressed and stuck. And love… love hates me! WAH!!!

I freak out rather easily, internally not so much externally as my sun sign is Capricorn and that = must be stoic at all times…

Also have you ever noticed that if you freak out externally, it’s contagious, so rather than others around you being calm while you’re freaking, allowing you a safe space to have a bit of a freak, and reassuring you that everything is fine or will be fine, they all freak out too, so you then have to calm yourself down and stop your freak because you have to calm everyone else down, give them the safe space, reassure them that everything is fine or will be fine.

Or does that only happen with me?

I’ve wondered that a lot, if it’s just with me… I spend so much time being stoic, keeping my emotions (Moon) to myself, hidden (Moon in 12th house), that when I do share my emotions, and my emotions are freaking out, people perhaps think – Well, if she’s freaking out then it must be serious… the sky must be falling, everybody scream: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I can go from freaking out to not freaking out rather quickly – I simply switch myself off.

12th house Moon people can detach from their emotions as though those emotions don’t exist.

They do exist and they’re often very intense, but they have an “off” switch… it’s really more of a “pause” switch, as in I’ll deal with this later when I’m on my own and my emotions won’t affect, bother, upset, trigger, intrude upon anyone else.

There are people who won’t understand that or think it’s even possible. They’ll call bullshit on it because they can’t do that and don’t think anyone else can do that. When they’re gripped by an emotion, that emotion must express itself until it runs out of steam and they are no longer under its influence. There must be something wrong with you if you can switch your emotions off, switch moods, maybe you have a personality disorder.

Ha! That reminds me of that bit from that TV show where the guy said Happiness should be a personality disorder because, he argued, genuinely happy people are rare compared to unhappy people, therefore unhappiness is normal so happiness must be abnormal, and thus it’s a disorder of personality.

I learned to switch moods and turn my emotions off because I grew up with people who didn’t do that, couldn’t do that, wouldn’t do that because why the hell should they.

When they felt something it would explode out of them all over the place and people in that place – everyone else needed to feel what they were feeling… and you really couldn’t feel what you were feeling because their feelings would wash your feelings away.

And if you were feeling happy… and they weren’t happy… your happiness had to be stolen from you and if they couldn’t take it for themselves, then it had to be destroyed ASAP!

12th house people tend to attract and/or be attracted to people who can’t keep their shit together… it forces us to learn how to keep our shit together, but… we may end up using it as an excuse to never share our shit or deal with it.

While there are advantages to turning your emotions off because feeling that way isn’t practical at the moment… the later when you’re alone and able to feel your feels may never come.

What if just as you’re getting into a cleansing cry session, ready to release what’s been repressed… the postman or another delivery person or someone else who wasn’t expected rings the doorbell. They don’t need that emotional mess opening the door. So don’t do it during the day, working hours, waking hours… but when night comes… sound carries much further than usual, and it might disturb people who are sleeping.

You don’t want to be a spider, do you?

Dicranopalpus ramosus – harvestman spider

The blurry spider in the blurry photo above is not so blurry on the wall behind my desk (not when I’ve got my glasses on… although I did poke my eye with a branch earlier and also got hot ash in it, who said gardening was relaxing!?!).

I can see it as I write this.

I think it just pooped.

At least it’s not batshit… I kept finding what I thought was mouse poop on a window sill, but why would mice go there to have a shit? It’s bats… there’s a bat roost above the window! Of course! Duh!

Anyway… the spidder (that’s how I pronounce spider because… never mind)…

It’s a Dicranopalpus ramosus – I could look up what that means or I could try and guess using what I can remember of Italian (I learned Italian by osmosis).

‘Ramo’ means ‘branch’ in Italian… I think it also can mean ‘oars’. ‘Di’ usually means ‘from’. ‘Crano’… isn’t that ‘cranium’? ‘Palpus’… hmmm… ‘palpitate’ or perhaps ‘pulp’? So it’s from a branch of Palpitating-pulpy-brained-oarsmen?

[ps. that kind of crazy is nothing to do with 12th house stuff, it’s courtesy of having natal Uranus in the 1st house – my batshit self is out in the open, which trines natal Mercury (mind/communication style), and to put the cherry on top of the insane in the pink membrane, transiting Uranus is zapping natal Mercury too atm in an opposition, so there, that totally explains that or doesn’t and it doesn’t matter because… what is matter?]

Palpitating-pulpy-brained-oarsman is more formally otherwise known as one of several types of Harvestman spider.

This type is not native to the UK, however this particular one was born and raised here, and is copping a very British attitude, it will be damned if it’s going to take a test to prove how British it is (a reference to something which has been in the British News recently due to Brexitomaniaphobia) so I’d say it was a native even if its ancestors migrated here.

When you think about it… we’re all migrants.

We migrate from sperm to egg to blurry thing in utero to baby to child to pre-teen to teen to young adult to adult to friggin’ old now so fuck it…

We migrate from one place of abode to another, and if you’re me you’ve changed abode so often, don’t belong anywhere, that when you finally settled down into a place of your own you kind of feel all weird about it… is this real, live or memorex (you might get that reference, doesn’t matter if you don’t).

The house I’m living in now is my very first house of my own which is mine and I may die here… this house may kill me.

In some ways this house is my dream home.

In other ways it’s my nightmare, but those can be rather more interesting than placid dreams.

Dream or nightmare or both… one thing is consistent, this house is a place of healing…

much of that healing comes from self undoing…

When I first came across the term “self undoing” I thought it was an awful term and concept… I freaked out about it, going from despair to fury, and a lot in between, about it.

But I’ve flipped a bit, flipped it around…

What if it doesn’t mean all those negative things which I thought it meant and which others (mainly astrologers… I may have misunderstood what they were saying, so don’t freak out astrologer people) keep saying it is.

I tend to freak out when I perceive that someone is saying – you’re doomed! – about me.

Everything about you is all wrong… fix-it!!!

I’ve said that enough to myself about me and my life… and I’m really fed up with that approach.

When I’m really fed up with an approach… I flip it around.

What if “Self Undoing” is actually the best thing ever…

but first it feels awful, because you’re so attached to how things are, all tied up in bows, knots, etc… and don’t want all of that undone.

However later on after you’ve freaked the freak out over and over… you end up wondering if perhaps it’s a rather good thing to self undo.

Undo all those bows, knots, just undo everything… come loose, relax, flow, flap in the wind getting frayed.

I was reading an astrology post last night where the astrologer writing it was saying some things which… well, I wondered what was up with him? It sounded like he’d reached a fed up place which he was seeing outside of himself, in others,

“Resolve: The Art of Determination

For those interested in resolution, most of the solution involves engaging in the first kind of resolve — melting and loosening — and is then followed up by another kind of resolve, the noun, a much newer usage: “determination, firmness or fixedness of purpose; a determination.”

One of the saddest observations I’ve made in doing this work is how dense most people not just are, but are wholly committed to being. I believe that this seeming density is yet another defense mechanism. Being thickheaded is an excellent way to insulate oneself from caring, and therefore from taking action on your own behalf. It is a form of denial. So, too, is “being overwhelmed by the world.” What people mean when they say that is that they’re letting their awareness be pulled out of their body, and as a result, feel powerless.

Heck, anyone who didn’t have all those problems would suddenly be confronted by the unknown and infinite potential. And that is supposedly “scary.” After all, if you don’t have to try, you don’t have to worry about failing.

There’s one other notion of resolve: to see clearly, as when a lens comes into focus, your eyes fix onto something. We need that too. Here is a clue: unresolved problems almost always seem worse than they are. And part of the “unresolved” element involves unacknowledged anger. That is a real hook. If you carry around your anger, it turns to resentment, which turns to depression. No pill is going to solve that problem. You actually have to work that out, if you want to feel better.

excerpt from There Is Hope For Humanity by Eric Francis Coppolino

but…

As within, so without…

We see others and the world through the filter of ourselves… that filter sometimes needs cleaning, needs changing, needs to be broken because that’s no longer a filter which is helpful, useful, even if it was before… now it’s making a blurry mess which focuses our attention on what’s wrong out there with everyone else.

What about what’s right out there with everyone else?

We often focus on what’s wrong out there with everyone else as a way to balance out, assuage, make us feel better about what we see as wrong inside with us… even if it fills us with doom and gloom about the fate of the human world.

Others out there sometimes make us feel as though everything is wrong with us… that makes them feel better, less wrong, themselves to do that sometimes.

I used to, and still do but not as much in the same way, focus on what’s wrong with me… which is just about everything as I am rather a weirdo. If only I could fix myself… okay that’s not possible… if only I was someone else, anyone else but not me… but then I don’t need to be because the whole point is for me to be me as is, isn’t it?

This human stuff is so…

Which reminds me of a window pane in my house. Sometime last year I noticed that it had a crack in it.

I asked my neighbour where I could buy a replacement pane of glass. He said he knew a glazier… that wasn’t quite what I wanted, but okay let’s go this way instead.

That glazier came around, spent most of the time talking up a storm about whatever was bothering him – he went on and on about being a good neighbour, about locals supporting other locals, loyalty, people should stick to their promises, do what they say they can and are going to do, blah, blah, blah. In other words he was wonderful and everyone else not so much.

Sounded good but was it all talk?

He also made replacing the window pane sound really complicated… he said he’d be back. I haven’t seen nor heard from him since.

So, it was all talk the talk but… uh oh when it comes to walking your talk.

The crack was small so I just left it… this house requires a certain amount of leaving things as they are even if they’re a bit broken, until the timing is just right for everything and maybe everyone to come together to fix it.

Don’t try to force it, and don’t freak out…

wait, wait, wait…

The crack is much bigger now…

I’ve been considering options, and looking for a place to buy a window pane.

But it’s still intact in spite of the crack, so… maybe wait wait wait until it’s truly broken.

It’s an intriguing experiment in who or what breaks first… I used to think I’d break first, but now I know the pane of glass will break first 😉

Of course that could be a case of the famous last words…

Check this out – Ruby Slipper Astrology: Horoscopes for September 1st, 2019 to September 8th, 2019 – as it touches upon stuff I’ve said in this post (maybe I shouldn’t have said that stuff… ah fuck it, said it now), but also stuff which you might find happening in your life with you and/or those around you. Tip – read the horoscope for your Ascendant/Rising sign as it places the transits in the houses (areas of your life or self) where they’re happening.

That’s it from me… you now!