Exploring The Thoughtscape

I woke up ridiculously early for me.

It was still dark outside.

I spent a few seconds playing that game known as – guess what time it is.

I figured that it was probably sometime between 4 and 5 am, since the traffic zooming by noise which sometimes sounds like ocean waves and other times is more like rumbling thunder hadn’t started flowing yet.

I wondered why I was awake so early, but I knew why – the dream I’d been having had stirred conscious thought and conscious thought had stirred me awake because it wanted to think about the dream.

I lay there thinking about the dream and the different interpretations of it – which one was correct? Maybe all of them, perhaps none. Each optional interpretation had a path along which I could roam and reach some destination in the psyche, but I was still tired and couldn’t be bothered to pick a path.

Then I asked myself if there was a chance that I’d fall asleep again or if that was it, and that’s when my cat turned up, splotted down next to me, began purring loudly making those purr-chirrups which are impossible to ignore… thus the answer to what time is it was – time to get up.

Once up… now what?

Too early to start to finish the DIY job I was working on yesterday.

different layers of plaster = different layers of thought

While having some coffee and fresh air, my presence spooking a pigeon, making a rabbit run, I listened to the plinky-plink-plonk of a squirrel in a tree (the beech tree… I looked it up this time, and yes, I’ll forget what it’s called again) throwing seed pods down onto my neighbour’s tiled shed roof.

Who created the myth that breaking a mirror brings seven years back luck?

What an asshole!

Maybe in those days people broke mirrors whenever they saw one, and in an attempt to stop people from doing that someone – a mirror-maker trying to make a living from making something the public obviously didn’t want or need, invented a clever superstition which would worm its way into minds.

“That’ll make them afraid to break my creations!!!” the mirror-maker cackled on the verge of madness while dancing in his workshop which was filled with shards of broken mirrors reflecting fragments of him.

Why seven years? I guess mirror-maker was very pissed off at people, saw them as the assholes so he decided to be one too… although he probably thought he was the hero and not the cursing villain.

Like Layla… omg what a narcissistic nutjob she is!

Who is Layla?

Damn, this is going to be complicated to explain… for me anyway.

She’s the main protagonist of a game – Assassin’s Creed Odyssey (and Origins) – except mostly throughout gameplay you don’t play as her… which is a relief. She’s horrible…

And yes, I understand that she’s under a lot of pressure, doing something very dangerous, fighting the questionable good fight against people who are part of an organisation which wants to rule the world or something equally tiresome and tiring like that… and they’re all as horrible as she is because everyone is eaten up by super pumped up ambitions to get their hands on powerful artifacts which do major magic shit that were manufactured by the ancients (who were sort of gods that created humans because they needed servants… but humans started to think for themselves and didn’t like being mind-controlled slaves).

The concept of the Assassin’s Creed series is that a few people have the ability to enter these machines which allow them to shift their consciousness in time and enter the mind and body of one of their ancestors, living the life of their ancestor while their ancestor is living their life.

The character you play as is the ancestor (maybe maybe not since there’s some injecting DNA experimentation going on…) of Layla – Kassandra (there is the option to play as a male-Kassandra instead of female-Kassandra).

Kassandra is very different from Layla. She’s not a narcissist… although she is a bit of a sociopath, a friendly one who cares about people and tries her best but the game does require that she do a lot of killing, mainly of bad guys, so that’s okay?

They do give you choices to make which affect certain aspects of the flow of narrative.

Some of the choices are like that odd social game – Kiss Marry Kill.

Although it’s more along the lines of kill them now or try not to kill them but end up doing it anyway because they screw you over for being all humanitarian and not killing them immediately after meeting them.

Maybe have sex with them too before killing them which is rather creepy in a computer game (it’s not as graphic as Witcher… I can’t unsee naked Witcher boinking naked other game character argh, my eyes, my mind, but I can’t not watch this!!).

You could walk away and forget it, but then you get stuck if that particular mission is part of the main story.

What struck me while playing the Atlantis DLC of Assassin’s Creed Odyssey…

which featured Layla quite a bit being even more of a psycho bitch thirsty for super power – she killed a loyal, good friend and colleague because the friend took her magic corrupting power stick which makes her immortal away while trying to get Layla to be less psycho for a moment or two.

And then Layla was all – Poor me, it’s not my fault, I didn’t mean to do that, my friend made me kill her, it’s all her fault, now what am I supposed to do without her… I need her, she’s so selfish for leaving me like this… and how am I going to explain this to the others, who else can I blame for it so they’ll all know that it wasn’t me who did it and we can still play together?

…was the way the game had evolved the idea of someone living vicariously through someone else.

Layla was spending most of her own life in an induced coma of sorts while she lived the lives of Bayek (AC Origins) then Kassandra (AC Odyssey).

The friend and colleague whom she killed was a doctor who kept warning Layla that the process was adversely affecting her health, that she could die or be driven insane by it – but Layla was already insane, you have to be to do what she was doing.

I wonder if the game creators were kind of pointing the finger at the gameplayer – Hey, pssst, you do realise you’re even more insane than Layla because you’re in a sort of trance state, putting your own life on hold, as you play this game using a magic power device, playing as Layla, living vicariously through her, as she plays and lives vicariously through Kassandra…

Hmmm… my thinking brain hurts now! So many layers of thought…

Rewinding back to the Layla living life through someone else… reminded me of what narcissists appear to do with the personas they create, and with others (they’ll steal bits and pieces of others to glue, sew into, their created persona).

And reminded me of what it feels like when you have a narcissist in your life and they’re trying to control you, push your self out of you, replace it with themselves and take over your body.

When narcissists envy people they often think that the person they envy isn’t living their life the way they should be living it. The envied one has all these abilities, all these gifts, opportunities and… they’re wasting them away! The narcissist would live their life so much better, and wouldn’t waste those abilities, gifts, opportunities. They want to push that person’s self out of them and replace them, become them, be them… only better than the person is being themselves.

A narcissist may waste their entire life looking at others thinking – they’re wasting their entire life, if I had their life I wouldn’t waste it like they do.

I’ve gotten stuck in that pattern of thinking… spend enough time around narcissists and you’ll end up thinking like they do.

Sometimes you think like that because your self has been pushed out of its body by the narcissist and now your self needs a body or it’ll just float around like a ghost, a spirit. The narcissist has yours, you’re not up to fighting with them over it since you already know you’ve lost the fight once, so… you’d better take someone else’s.

Everyone else is better than you, has better everything than you do, are living a better life than you – that’s what you think.

But that kind of thinking isn’t really thinking, you’re not really actively thinking, it’s more like a broken record type of thinking which just repeats the same thing over and over in your head.

You think it’s thinking but it’s a recording of a thought which was thought years ago… perhaps not even by you.

An implanted thought which your mind recorded and plays on repeat.

Someone else’s voice which after years of being heard rolling around in your head has come to be known as your inner voice, but does it really speak as you do?

Have you ever heard yourself say something out loud and then gone – Who said that? Whose voice was that?

But then you dismiss the questions and thought which prompted them because it came out of your mouth and sounded like you even if it really didn’t sound like you.

Maybe you brush it off as – Oh, that was what my mother/father used to say…

Those broken record thoughts never seem to get to the next tune… just when you think the thought is going to think itself on to the next track… skip jump and back again it goes.

I read a rather interesting article (which is actually a transcript of a videoI prefer to read than listen, but if you prefer to listen than read the video is at the top of the article) the other day:

“How can we re-make our character? Can we become another as if born anew? Most models of human development place tight bounds around our capacity for self-directed change. For we are a conservative creature. We crave order and a have a deep need for a stable sense of self. Change, according to these models, is best accomplished in a gradualist manner. We need to focus on taking small steps each day in the direction of the person we wish to become. We need to break down our bad habits, cultivate good ones and over time these small changes will cumulate to produce impressive results.

This approach to self-change has a lot of merit and should be the approach that most people use in their pursuit of personal growth. But this is not the only way that we change, nor is it adequate for all situations. For while we are conservative creatures, we are also mortal creatures with limited time and a limited capacity to endure suffering. Slow and steady change works well if we have a solid foundation from which to build, but if we have descended too deeply into our own personal hell, or if our life has become so dysfunctional that each small step forward is quickly nullified by everything that is wrong with our life, then the gradualist approach may not save us. Sometimes life requires radical change, not merely a change in a habit or two, but a change of such significance that it leads to what is known as a psychological rebirth.

In the end however, a voluntary descent into the realm of chaos is risky even if we arm ourselves with tools that can make navigation of this realm easier. So knowing that a radical personality change is possible and that a sacrifice may engender a psychological rebirth, do we make the leap, or do we instead stick to the less risky approach of the gradualist method of change?

This is a question each of us must face for ourselves.

But if we are already trapped in our own personal hell, the question that may be more appropriate is whether not making the sacrifice is perhaps the greater risk? For the realm of chaos is not only entered by means of a voluntary sacrifice. More typical is an involuntary descent into these depths. If we persist in our dysfunctional ways, if we remain in the words of Jung an “immovable pillar of the past” then eventually the fragile order of our life may give way to chaos whether we like it or not. A sacrifice of our old ways will be forced upon us, but an involuntary sacrifice is, according to Jung, an “unmitigated catastrophe”; it is more likely to result in a psychological breakdown than a psychological rebirth. Therefore, if we feel our life is moving in this direction, if chaos and disorder are already creeping in, we may want to take control of the process and make the voluntarily sacrifice that may save us from a more dire outcome.”

excerpts from Rapid Personality Change and the Psychological Rebirth via Academy of Ideas

It tapped into some thoughts I was actively thinking about, which included thinking about ideas inspired while playing the game, and also…

It’s fascinating how when you’re actively thinking about something… you appear to attract things which reflect those thoughts back to you, help you expand on them, flow further with them.

A while after I’d read the article someone reminded me of an old post – It Follows Me Like A Shadow – which was inspired by something my father said about child-me in one of his books.

I wasn’t sure what he said was true… but maybe it was?

There was a picture of me in the book next to those words – it’s one of my favourite pictures of child-me because it captured something that no one but me can see when looking at the photo. A week or so ago I recreated the photo from memory, the recreation also captured that something no one else can see but me…

What a funny coincidence… coincidences are wonderful stimulants for the continuation of an active thought. It’s as though the thoughtscape is being encouraged to keep going…

I often call it – the quickening.

Yesterday while out and about, I bought sludge remover… it’s for clearing the pipes and radiators of the central heating system. Hmmm… sometimes the thinking system needs to be flushed out too of all the sediment, grit, rust, particles… sludge… which has accumulated and may cause blockages in the free flow of mental waters.

As I traveled I listened to songs by Twenty One Pilots. Two in particular caught my attention with their lyrics.

I tried to refrain from arguing with the first song’s lyrics – “wish we could turn back time to the good old days when momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out…” – yeah, nope, I don’t wish to turn back time to the bad old days at all, when momma stressed me the fuck out with her constant personal space invasion, clawing at child-me’s self, with her voice. Implanting her issues in me, which played on repeat like a broken record, chipping away at me, trying to break me, throughout my childhood, into my teens, young adulthood, adulthood… SHUT UP!!! Stop the voices!!! Are they mine, they’re not mine!?!?

I had a dream once which was just all voices talking and talking, louder and louder… I had to wake myself up to get away from the storm of vocal noise.

I gave up refraining from arguing with the second song, Ride, and its lyrics – “I’ve been thinking too much I’ve been thinking too much I’ve been thinking too much I’ve been thinking too much…” – that’s not thinking, that’s broken record mind mode.

You think it’s thinking but it’s not thinking. If it’s going around and around in a circle, stuck, never moving on, evolving the thought, if it’s making you crazy with its nagging, droning, criticising, whining, repetitive nightmare, then it’s not thinking… it may not even be your thoughts.

Although I love these lyrics from that song – “I’m falling so I’m taking my time on my ride…” – that’s thinking! Active thinking taking a thought “I’m falling” and working with it, evolving it with the mind into creative restructuring “so, if I’m falling, how shall I do it… hmmm… I think I’ll do it slowly, take my time, on this ride.”

All of that tied in with episode 2 of season 2 of Instinct which happens to be called – Broken Record – about a musician who dies on a ride, a rollercoaster. The last song he’d written was called “You Only Live Once” and was inspired by something his mother had said to him when he was a child which had got stuck in his head and played on repeat.

The plaster is almost dry now.

I smoothed it down yesterday… not too smoothly though because otherwise the pain doesn’t stick to it, learned that lesson the hard way and I was so proud of myself for having done such silky smooth plasterwork.

That’s a typo… I meant paint… thought I’d leave it in since it seemed to fit in with the thoughts in this post.

Before I go…

the dream which woke me up because it wanted me to think about it…

In brief – I was helping an inept burglar steal my stuff…

At first I was afraid but not petrified… I managed to tell a friend to call for help, but gradually I found myself getting increasingly frustrated because the burglar didn’t seem to know what they were doing or how to do their job. I was doing the work for them, telling what to do, then worrying for them because they’d get caught due to being so slow, telling them to hurry up, do their thing, then get out.

That was partly inspired by something which happened while I was playing the game last night – there’s a lot of looting in the game, done mostly by your character. There are two types of loot, if you get seen taking the red one, you’re stealing and people attack. I was on the roof of someone’s house to open up a perception point and without thinking I looted some red loot right next to the owners of the house and the loot, they’d been chilling on the roof, I’d ruined their chill so they attacked me and so I killed them – it was a horrible thing to do, I was horrible like Layla.

That triggered an old fear, a superstition like the mirror one…

I could have loaded up a previous save of the game, pre-stealing-then-killing, but I didn’t. Actions have consequences… and in RL it isn’t possible to go back in time to load a previous save just before your fuck up. Face your actions and the consequences, actively think about it.

The dream was also inspired by a thought I’ve been working on, an old issue which is a puzzle I have yet to solve, which I mentioned in my previous post…

not that one but the other one, but they may both be tied together…

they’re definitely tied together if I put them both into the same post.

I know how my mind works… even if I don’t always know what it’s telling me and get confused, then angry at myself for being so darn hard to understand and so easy to misunderstand.

It ties in with looting…

And it ties in with the Layla living as Kassandra bit too…

Wanting what someone else has for yourself, envying what they have which you think and tell yourself that you don’t have, must have, taking it…

The way narcissists take… sometimes with their voice, with what they say to you which embeds itself in your mind, then plays, skip jump back, repeat, chipping away at you, trying to break you…

But every time a narcissist or anyone else takes something from someone else… in a certain way, often sneakily, to gain something for themselves… it causes a loss, you can’t take without losing something while taking, you have to make space for the thing taken… losing parts of yourself each time you take something from someone else.

Which ties in with the article, the excerpt… to change we may need to sacrifice what is holing us back, blocking the flow… but we sometimes sacrifice the parts of ourselves which we think we don’t need, are worthless, or whatever the broken record tells us, and those parts are perhaps not the ones which we should be sacrificing, they’re the treasures rather than the sludge.

Who made us think our personal treasures were sludge, which made us want the treasures of others, and perhaps wonder why they don’t appreciate what they have which is why we’re taking it from them… do they perhaps, like us, see their treasures as sludge…?

Okay. Stop.

What do you think?


        • My taste in music is a bit all over the place. I can never predict what’s going to appeal to the segment of my mind which likes music and the tunes which do often surprise me. There’s a lot of odd songs stuck in my memory banks from different genres and countries spanning the years.

          I sometimes forget music exists, and don’t really listen to it unless it reminds me there’s this thing known as music 😉

          These days I tend to get into whatever my partner is listening to – he’s the muso, or something I hear in a film, TV series or video game. Twenty One Pilots is one of my partner’s picks, it’s in the car and now it’s in my head. I love some of the lyrics, they’re very clever and thought-journey provoking. I do tend to hone in on lyrics more than tune, and I often end up having a conversation in my mind about the lyrics.

          Liked by 1 person

  1. 🤓
    First I like to say, you are one of the few people where I can literally read their work from ending to beginning. Its linear and concise where it makes sense -frontwards or backwards. I actually like reading your articles ending first, kinda like eating dessert before the meal. Ok, enough gushing☺

    Sitting up in the wee (fave word of mine) hours of the morning is when the mind is most clear IMO. Your spirit and mind is communicating with nature and its building a foundation of understanding.


    • Thank you very much, Scherezade 🙂

      I love the idea of eating dessert before the meal… I did do that once at a bistro when I was a kid, oh the adults… haha 😀

      And I sometimes read articles backwards too, it’s sometimes the easiest way to do it.

      You’re right about the wee hours, most people are sleeping, their minds resting, there’s less static interference to distract thought, nature’s often up and already busy, you notice things which might go unnoticed at other times and have time to absorb it 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. #2.5

    “That’ll make them afraid to break my creations!!!” the mirror-maker cackled on the verge of madness while dancing in his workshop which was filled with shards of broken mirrors reflecting fragments of him. 《《 ❤ I love this! I laughed so hard.

    When you were describing the Witcher sex thing I thought of the movie Clerks 2, the donkey show😱

    Your game and the layers reminds me of the Neverending Story. Not the game itself obviously but like the reflection of a mirror. (and doesnt THAT just take a twisty turn down Tangent Lane)

    The article… I really liked this part:
    “. . .episodes of intense emotional distress and disorder often reflect natural (and, yes, even healthy) expressions of an individual’s struggles toward reorganization. Such struggles are not always successful, of course, but they may be viewed with substantially less fear and impatience if they are construed as the activities of an open, developing system in search of a “more extensive balance” with its world.”
    Michael Mahoney, Human Change Processes

    I guess I’m “Thrice Born”. I have been through two major deconstructions and came out the other side stronger. The first one I haven’t really talked about, the second one was the Fibro disability.
    Now that I’m all, like, cured and stuff (yeah, okay Angie🙄) I dont fear change or problems as much. I know I can handle pretty much anything. I trust in myself. Plus, why spend all my time worrying? It’s a useless waste of energy. Energy that could be spent DOing something in the event disaster strikes.

    When I write or talk about being confident in myself, I always kind of cringe. It seems braggy. Like I’m trying to show off. Which makes me think of all the dang comments I leave on the blogs I read. I wonder sometimes if I’m overdoing it. If some of the bloggers wish I would just quit with all the comments already. If they feel obligated to answer and they get stressed out. Then I think of all the unsolicited advise I’ve handed out. What makes me the expert? Who asked me anyway? Do I think I know better than them how to live their life? (see what I did there?) These are fleeting thoughts. I dont let them grow. Like I’ve previously written, if someone has a problem with me, its theirs until they bring it to my attention.

    I like what you did in the old post, the way you turned everything around. Like you’ve commented before about flipping things over to their reverse or opposite.

    Okay, now, the thing that blew my mind… I’m still trying to figure out WHY it’s such a mind blower. I guess I still think of 21 Pilots as an obscure band that has a cult following. I dont know why I think that. Probably it has to do partly with my obliviousness of the passage of time. I often things happened in the more recent past. I’ll think something happened 5 years ago and it’s more like 15. I guess my “mind” is stuck somewhere in my early 30s. Not my ACTUAL early 30s but at that age-ish. I’m sure you get what I mean. So if I’m 30ish, I dont have THAT many years in my adult past. Things have to have happened within a window of time.

    And I’m babbling again. I feel like I could share thoughts and ideas with you for hours and days. I still wonder if we’re dipping into the same stream or if we’re bouncing things back and forth. Maybe its both.

    Okay, its early morning on your side of the big blue marble, and bedtime on mine.


    • Hope you have lovely dreams, Angie 🙂

      I can totally relate to having a different concept of time. My sense of time is very lax. If I say “yesterday” it could mean 3 years ago or last week or yesterday. If someone makes plans for a future date and asks me to confirm I’ll be there or whatever, I’ll just look bemused and my answer is usually “I have no idea that’s miles away”. Also I have no idea if I’ll be alive at that point in the future, so there’s that too. I’m here now, that’s all I know and even that is uncertain 😉

      My mental age tends to fluctuate. It depends on what I’m focusing upon, and can switch when I switch focus. Sometimes I’ll have several mental ages interacting with each other inside my mind, arguing or conversing, depends on the subject. When I was a child people kept telling me that I had the mental age of an old person, I definitely felt ancient a lot of the time. One time a friend of my parents told me that I was too cynical for a teen, exposure to narcissists will do that to you. When I first started blogging my mental age was teenager, rebelling against parents, society, everyone and everything. Then it matured a bit.

      Emotionally my age is more stable, but every now and then I hit upon a bit where I got stuck at a certain emotional age, got repressed, suppressed, could express it and thus grow, got a bit stunted in my growth, and then it’s time to let that part grow up through release.

      It’s very useful to notice what age you’re operating from in different scenarios, mentally and/or emotionally – sometimes mental age and emotional age differ in the same scenario. It gives information which can help with solving personal puzzles. There are dots to connect. The age gives you the place in time where something happened which hasn’t been resolved and is playing out again in the now, giving another opportunity to find resolution.

      It’s also useful in other ways, when interacting with others, it can give you information about the other person too, such as what age they’re operating from, what role they want to play and thus also what role they want you to play for them so they can play their role. If I feel suddenly downsized to child, it sometimes is a red flag – someone may remind me of one of my parents.

      Commenting on blog posts is a fascinating experience. It can bring out communication insecurities, allowing you to notice what may go on in RL but since communication tends to flow faster in RL and isn’t always written down, it’s easier to see things online, especially in blog comments. I’ve learned quite a bit about myself from my attitude towards commenting – sometimes the lesson was the flip of what I thought it was. Sometimes it confirms something I was reluctant to accept. It depends.

      I love your comments and commenting style, you give great conversation, deep, meaningful, thought-provoking, stimulating, you share wonderful ideas, things which make you go hmmm… I hadn’t thought about that or of that that way. I feel like I’m talking with you, real you, and it’s energising.

      There are many different styles of comment (and replies to comments) and each one tells you a little bit about the story someone is living out online, which may or may not be the story they’re living out offline too. Some people come online to be who they aren’t in RL. Some people come online to experience a life they wished they’d lived or were living… and it may over time become an echo of the life they live offline, the one they were hoping to escape for a while, which overrides the one they tried to live online.

      Some people come online to get stroked, and they’re usually not interested in having a conversation, sharing information, experiences and experience, they want the kinds of comments which are short and sweet – “great post”, “you’re such a great writer”, “what you said is amazing”, “you’re so brave”, “we’re here for you”, “you’re right (and the other person is sooooo wrong)”, etc. They often give the kind of comments they want when commenting on other bloggers’ posts, although sometimes they give the sort of comments they’re not happy to receive because only they are allowed to do that (the older bloggers tend to do that more because they’re old and thus know it all – haha!).

      I don’t comment much on the posts of other bloggers because my commenting style is difficult to stomach 😉 I do what Melanie does and write posts about what I wanted to say in a comment. Everything is a writing prompt if you’re a blogger.

      As I see it, if you have something to say you should say it, not for the other person as much as for yourself. Sometimes the advice we give to others is really for ourselves, but we need to give it to others to hear it. Also you never know, it might be useful to them too, perhaps not in the way we thought it would be – many people figure out solutions by process of elimination. So if you say – you might want to do this – they’ll hear themselves go nope, and that way they know that’s not an option, which helps them narrow down options. Or maybe they’re just stubborn. I used to block out all advice from others… now I’m more open to it because I often miss the obvious and simple solution, and others helpfully show it to me.

      I can relate to your worries about being confident or at least showing it so others can see it. Confidence, real confidence, is attractive, but you don’t know who or what you’re going to attract.

      Funnily enough, I read two recent articles this morning on Psychology Today which discussed confidence and communication. This one was interesting – https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/messengers/201909/the-traits-effective-messengers

      Okay… so… I just said a lot… and I enjoyed saying it 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      • I like what you say too!

        Interesting article. Hard messengers vs soft. I see myself as more of the soft variety.

        Of course, my full name is Angela Michele…the Angel Michael…that’s a HARD messenger kind of persona🙄 swords are cool, but I’m dangerous with a plastic butter knife🤦‍♀️😂

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  3. The waking up early might also partly be your age. I’ve noticed a sort of creep, where I’m waking up way earlier than I used to. I just hope I don’t wind up like that Stephen King novel (Insomnia). 😉 There are advantages to waking early, a different life configuration. 🙂


    • Haha, Lynette, your sense of humour is wicked 😀

      I haven’t read SK’s Insomnia. I did see an adaptation of his Thinner and that made me wary of wanting to be skinny 😉 Weirdly enough though when I watch a show or film or read about someone who can’t sleep it makes me really sleepy.

      I’ve heard about the whole sleeping less as you get older theory, some say it’s something to do with reduced melatonin levels. I still regularly have 8 hours sleep. Every now and then it changes up a bit to add variety. Irregularities in my sleep pattern tend to be inspired by something that’s going on at the time. If I’m excited about something I sleep less because I want to be awake more. 🙂

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