Lookin’ Back on the Track for a Little Green Bug

I should really be careful about what I say in my posts…

While I’m on the subject of things about which I should be being careful… I should lick my fingers clean before typing because now there’s wotsits residue all over the keys.

It’s bugging me, I like my keys smooth, now they’re all bumpy. I wonder why that is? When did that become a thing for me? When and why did that story start? Is it mine or did it belong to someone else, then they infected me with it, and now I think it’s mine?

“We have a habit in writing articles published in scientific journals to make the work as finished as possible, to cover all the tracks, to not worry about the blind alleys or to describe how you had the wrong idea first, and so on. So there isn’t any place to publish, in a dignified manner, what you actually did in order to get to do the work.

Richard Feynman, from “The Development of the Space-Time View of Quantum Electrodynamics,” Nobel Lecture.

[I put this quote in later… you can time travel in post-writing… don’t worry if it makes no sense whatsoever now… don’t worry if it doesn’t make sense later or ever.]

The other day I mentioned that a local nature reserve which is usually boggy even when there hasn’t been much in the way of rain was bone dry – it’s not bone dry anymore.

Shortly after I said in a post that it was bone dry – the sky has been delivering package of rain after package of rain faster than Amazon Prime… and I didn’t order it, but I’m glad it came, hope I don’t get a bill for it. How much does rain cost?

I’m supposed to be doing some gardening right now instead of writing a post but the clouds are telling me they’ve got another delivery… and while I could garden in the rain, I need to use a machine which you’re not supposed to use when it’s wet.

I’m still reeling from the fact that I fixed the broken roof slate before it started pouring packages of rain… usually I don’t get things done before… but my narrative has been changing recently… I’m not quite used to the change in self-narrative so I still get excited about it… it would have bugged me if I hadn’t, and I’d have been poking myself with the sharp edge of the broken slate about it.

I left the broken slate outside the back door to remind me to do it… I haven’t moved it. A bug appeared on it. I notice small things. Put a big thing in front of me and I may or may not notice it, but put a small thing on the big thing…

I noticed yesterday that there’s a crack in the render of the house which needs filling… it’s small but rain doesn’t mind a small crack, rain can work with small until it’s not so small anymore and you shouldn’t have ignored the problem just because it was small. It’ll widen over time. Grow bigger.

The walls of my house are made of earth, clay, dug out from the ground it was built on so water + earth/clay = mud crumble. It’s been okay for about 200 years, and it went through a few abandoned building exposed to the elements phases…

All of that is very boring and I would have probably clicked away from this post if I was reading it instead of writing it – sometimes I do that while writing a post, click away from it, although that’s usually just a mistake caused by…

Oh, look, a bug:

this little green bug was chillin’ on the broken slate just outside the back door

I haven’t Google-looked-up what name humans have given to that particular style of bug – the bug wouldn’t tell me, in fact it was rude and grumpy, tried to get away from the camera lens which was invading its personal space, which isn’t why the pic is blurry but it didn’t help focus.

Focus…

I’m one of those people who spends a lot of time unfocused… until something bugs me, then my focus turns on and can get a bit obsessive, laser-like, burning holes, cutting through the facade, layer after layer, until I reach the core.

What is this thing which is bugging me? Why is it bugging me? Is it me or it? What’s the narrative? What’s the real narrative behind the superficial narrative being told? What’s really going on here?

Is there a small crack in this narrative which I can seep into like water and loosen up the render, the hardened veneer, get to what’s underneath, moisten the fixed structure of it, crumble away what’s become encrusted, find the structure of the structure, change it, change the narrative to change the structure, which changes what you see on the surface?

I was reading a post today by someone else wherein they wrote about something which bugs them. They regularly write about this same bug and how much it bugs them.

It’s a bug with which I can relate – I’ve had a similar bug, I’ve had an almost exactly the same bug.

However certain things were different, mainly in how I related to the bug itself versus how they appear to be relating to it. And those differences although small can sometimes become big over time.

One of the differences is that the structure of the bug narrative for them is to be bugged about something on behalf of someone else, someone near and dear to them – they’re bugged by it because of how they see it affecting someone near and dear to them, and how that affects them and their sense of self.

To them this places them in a position of being absolutely helpless, powerless, to do anything about the bug because they see themselves as being absolutely helpless, powerless, to do anything about it since they’re affected by it affecting someone else – but is that true or is that only true because of the narrative they’re telling themselves and others?

Once we share our internal narrative with others… it can heal it but it can also calcify it and cause us to get stuck in it, having to live up to it and keep living it because what would others think if we moved on? Would they think we’d lied, conned or cheated them in some way? Better stay the same forever and ever stuck in the narrative of us, our life, that we’ve shared for them to keep… “Liking” us… and we need those “Likes”. Do we though? Answer still buffering…

“Do not read so much, look about you and think of what you see there.”

Richard Feynman, from letter to Ashok Arora, 4 January 1967, published in Perfectly Reasonable Deviations from the Beaten Track (2005).

Whereas I experienced the bug mainly from the position of being in the position of their nearest and dearest, but also from the position of being the one who cared about their nearest and dearest – Someone had to care about me, might as well be me as those who were conventionally supposed to care about me… guess they missed the memo or misunderstood it.

In some ways I’ve been blessed/made lucky by having to care for myself because those around me, in the past anyway, were too wrapped up in themselves (wanted me to care about them but doing it the other way around was too hard and confusing), to notice me – so I had to notice me.

For instance – I have Dyslexia. I’ve been aware of it since I was about 4 or 5 yrs old and that writing backwards incident which I was never allowed to forget, but at that age I didn’t entirely understand it or what it meant.

I still thought – I’m normal/being normal/doing normal stuff. It was only after years and years of repeatedly being told by adults/experts and having pointed out to me and proven how not-normal I was that I had to change my I’m normal narrative.

That narrative changed to – everything about me is wrong, everything about everyone else is right, I’d better fix myself.

Which led to – shit, I’m forever broken, always wrong/being wrong/doing wrong stuff, I’m not normal, can’t fix it – I’m helpless and powerless. Now what?

Overlay onto my self-narrative my mother’s self-narrative – My child is defective, which means I’ll be seen as a defective parent because of my defective child, let me fix it.

She made it her mission to fix me – cue her home-schooling me because those mental institutions know as school were not efficient or effective. I went to regular school too as well as being home-schooled by her. Double-whammy of other people trying to fix my mind to work as they wanted it to work – likes theirs.

Her home-schooling was actually efficient and effective, I did well at regular school and was bumped ahead a year (almost got bumped ahead two years but the wise headmaster of one school said it was not a good idea to do that – he was right), perhaps because she’d have a tantrum when I got something wrong… even though it wasn’t always my fault, countries change and, that country no longer exists, that Capital city is no longer the Capital city, but she hadn’t updated her answers so I was wrong! She couldn’t possibly be wrong because she was the adult, the one with the right kind of brain, and I wasn’t.

And while I was helpless, powerless, couldn’t do anything about it either at the time, over time I figured out my own solution to the problem.

I’m not a fan of people feeling sorry for me… really hate it when I feel sorry for me. It’s fun to wallow sometimes in self-pity, like a spa day, but I don’t want to turn into a prune. Let’s get out of this rut!

Which reminds me of something I was superficially exploring this morning:

“The central thesis is a dichotomy between two modes of thought: “System 1” is fast, instinctive and emotional; “System 2” is slower, more deliberative, and more logical.

The book delineates cognitive biases associated with each type of thinking, starting with Kahneman’s own research on loss aversion.

From framing choices to people’s tendency to replace a difficult question with one which is easy to answer, the book highlights several decades of academic research to suggest that people place too much confidence in human judgement.”

excerpt from the Wiki page for Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman

It had “the Linda problem”… oh how I hate “the Linda problem”! Even with the official correct answer it doesn’t make sense to me, the oca makes it less logical. But that’s not relevant… or is it? I’ll explore it more deeply later or not.

What I did like was the delineation of the differences between Fast Thinking and Slow Thinking. We all do both so it isn’t a competition, you don’t win anything… did you just lose interest? It’s nice to win something, isn’t it, for doing something? It’s nice to be given credit where credit is due… and not have to figure out how to find a compliment in someone not crediting you when you know they’re using your ideas, copying you, but being all hush-hush about it (old bug, passed onto to me by my father… thanks for that, still haven’t solved that puzzle).

It tied in with something which Bill Burr said in his stand-up – I’m watching his stand-up shows on Netflix in reverse order, started with his most recent one, working my way backwards in time, now I’m on one he did in something known as 2015…

He still hated bloggers then… that bug is still bugging him in the present and he still hasn’t figured it out, still hasn’t worked it out of his system, glitch still exists in all the updates since then, or is it just part of his routine now, part of his narrative, he still gets laughs for it so until it stops getting laughs he’s going to keep using it, saying it.

What do you keep saying simply because of the reactions it gets from others? Some people are after laughs, like Bill Burr, others are after Awwws, sympathy, empathy shots, poor you you’re such a saint for putting up with this bug and never ever dealing with it even though us sy-em-pathisers keep offering you solutions (all of which you reject because that’s not what you want).

My dishwasher doesn’t work properly – poor you, use your hands and some dish soap in the sink like those of us sans-dishwasher do – that’s a solution, I don’t want that, what I want is the energy you give me when you feel for me and my problem of having a broken but not totally broken dishwasher and how much that symbolises my life, me, my narrative and its structure which supports me and my identity and stuff. I know how to solve it… I don’t want to solve it, I prefer the rewards I get from having the problem and not solving it.

The first principle is that you must not fool yourself and you are the easiest person to fool.”

Richard Feynman

BB was talking about going to church as a child and the whole repeat after me of that kind of activity which goes on there, and how as a child that stuff just sinks into your mind, becomes a part of it, regardless of whether you think about it or not. But he thought about it as an adult and decided that kind of thinking wasn’t for him.

He’s not an atheist, yet, he’s a let-me-think-about-it-for-myself-ist.

Fast Thinking accepts things it has been told to repeat after me and then repeats them to others as though it thought those things itself. Why? That’s what everyone thinks = this is reality, accept it, don’t question it, repeat it, pass it on to others. We must maintain this reality!!!

Slow Thinking thinks about those sort of things and then after some mileage decides whether to keep thinking them or not. Why? Well, this reality doesn’t make sense to me so I’m not going to keep repeating it, I’m going to question it and see if there’s a different reality I’d prefer to pass on to others, one which might make more sense or at least be more fun and less destroyer of fun.

The solutions I come up with to my problems, to what’s bugging me, after slow thinking them through tend to be unconventional. Or so I’ve been told… and have observed for myself when I share them and others look at me like I’ve just told them I pooped in the garden because the dog does it (I used to do that as a child… the horror, the horror… why the horror? Besides the dog ate it and so you won’t be stepping in it, not like you ever step in the bushes you only stick to the paths if and when you bother visiting the garden).

Sometimes it makes life harder because your unconventional solution butts heads with conventional systems which are rigid structures that refuse to accept anything but what they’ve decided is allowed even when they’re falling down and an unconventional fix might save what’s worth saving.

Do it this way. No. You have to do it this way. No, I don’t, look I’m not = so obviously I can do it another way. That other way isn’t an option. Yes, it is, I’m doing it, so it is, and it’s working. No, it’s not allowed to work. But it is working and look how smoothly it’s working, your way is all bumpy ride-y.

Sometimes it makes it easier which may make it harder because everyone else is trying to get you to do it the hard way because they’re doing it the hard way so how dare you do it the easy way.

So, do it my way and make life easier for yourselves. No. Why not? That’s cheating. It’s not cheating, this isn’t a game and… oh, you know what, do it your way and I’ll do it mine. If it makes it easier for you, call me a cheat and call my way cheating. Sometimes I think your way is cheating…

That reminds me of – Office (2015) – a South Korean film I saw the other night.

I laughed throughout… I’m not sure if it was meant to be funny, but it was (I may have been a bit giggly, in pervy crone mode, because I have a bit of a… and he doesn’t have a beard! – beware though this may be misleading, as it was in the film).

It had so many layers to it – some not funny at all, very serious issues, ones all humans face in life and usually have to solve for ourselves in our own way.

It was about getting caught in the conventional system, in the mental institution of work, office, which affects relationships (including the one with self – which affects all other relationships) and life out of work/office hours…

And how it can wear all types of people down, but there are two types of people (the film mentions this in its narrative)…

Those who when they get worn down – join the system, play by its rules to cheat the system which is a system designed for cheaters… trample on others the way they’ve been trampled on, pass the poison, the poisonous pedagogy, on.

And those who when they get worn down – beat the system in their own unconventional ways. Opt out of passing the poison on… but may get punished for it.

Although it’s not clear in the film who is who and what is what – which I loved because that’s life in the humaniverse. This person looks good, sounds good, seems good, but what if I’m just projecting? This person looks bad but… am I just transferring?

We all have to figure things out for ourselves…

Are you lonely because you’re not smiling back when people smile at you – this is a reference to a recent study done on people, comparing those who openly admit they’re lonely with those who claim to not be lonely (maybe they are maybe they aren’t), and how they react when shown pictures of people smiling.

Here’s a problem, bug, I have with that study – Where did they get those pictures? From Pixabay or some other free pics to use as you please place? Have you ever thought about the people in those free pics? Have you ever thought of them as people? Or are they just some “thing” you’re using to decorate your blog post, use in your study to prove a point which you’ve already made up your mind about?

Yes. Okay. I see a pic of someone smiling… but what if what I see is – that’s a fake smile, they were told to smile and so they did because they smile when someone tells them to smile, they learned to do this when they were little to please the adults, repeat after me, especially smile to camera you’re a model and you’re getting paid to smile to camera so many people can use this pic any way they want. But that’s a fake smile – look at the eyes! Those eyes say “I’m tired, I’m bored, I’m scared that my entire life is all about how pretty/handsome I am when I smile which makes others smile but my smile isn’t a real one, I’m sick of this shit!”

What if that pic of someone smiling fills me with a sense of how lonely we all are yet we’re not allowed to admit it openly instead we have to smile, fake smile, to the camera of other people’s eyes.

Show me a real smile and I’ll smile, it’s infectious… even if I feel sad. Fake smile… why would that inspire me to smile, it makes the sadness sadder. The loneliness lonelier.

I didn’t bookmark it, why would I, but it’s on Psychology Today somewhere… it’s fairly recent, if you can be bothered and really are interested. It may have been copied/pasted elsewhere too by now. Those sort of things get repeated and passed on via copy/paste.

I believe that a scientist looking at nonscientific problems is just as dumb as the next guy.

Richard Feynman (I’ve been lazy and used easy quotes of his, but if you’re interested in his deeper/harder quotes which really make you think, check out his Wikiquote page where they are easily accessed)

Some solutions to problems only work for you and won’t work for others.

You could share it but it wouldn’t compute and thus be accepted and integrated by someone else – their rejection of your solution might make you… reject your own solution, reject yourself.

They have to find their own individual solution to their problem.

It’s more satisfying and lasting that way anyway.

The structure of their problem may be very similar to yours which you’ve solved but… it isn’t the exact same issue no matter how exactly the same it seems.

Your narrative and theirs… are similar yet vastly different.

You and them are similar yet vastly different.

So… what bugs you, have you investigated the bug, and what solutions has this bug brought to your life?

Please note: I’m not asking “who” bugs you because the “who” is always ourselves finding something which bugs us (often about ourselves indirectly) in someone else.

Before I go, a few more links, because I friggin’ love those!!! and it sometimes bugs others when I share them:

Melanie’s latest Share Your World – it’s not so much her Q’s which caught my eye but the intro which went with it which tied in with my bug theme… then the Q’s. I’m not answering a specific one but this post sort of touches upon one of them.

Lori shared a superb real life series on her blog, she’s a brilliant writer and I wanted to share her posts: Start here – Lori’s Lane: A Tale About Feet – and keep going from there. It does tie in with my bug theme… takes it to a whole other level, puts things in perspective.

And a silly yet serious post about relationships which I read recently, it bugged me, I thought: ugh what obvious nonsense, then thought that this is quite good advice because I totally did that stupid shit and it took me ages to realise my doing that stupid shit was the problem not what what bugging me about the other in the relationship: Four Fatal Flaws in a Relationship That You Can Fix – This researcher has a simple solution for each one by Donna Barstow

29 comments

  1. Hey Ursula 🦗

    The things in this post about your childhood, some of them are similar to mine. Like this

    “Someone had to care about me, might as well be me as those who were conventionally supposed to care about me… guess they missed the memo or misunderstood it.”

    My unavailable single mother was too wrapped up in her own drama & traumas. I had to take care of me. And my little brother. I’ve said this before, haven’t I? Ugh! I’m turning into one of those people that always repeats themselves…yawn!

    Moving on… the part about you being a bad reflection on your mother because of your dyslexia, reminds me of my mother bragging about my good grades and any accomplishments like they were a direct result of her superior parenting skills. They weren’t MY accomplishments, they were HERS. I was happy at the time. I did good, gimme a Scooby Snack. In my 20s when I got thrown into therapy and decided to take advantage of it instead of just showing up, I got very angry at her. First she ignores me, then she steals my accolades. Now I understand what a broken person she was and is.
    Have I mentioned that my mother lives 1 mile from me and I see her maybe twice a year? I’m not angry, I just dont wanna go round & round the same path. It doesnt go anywhere.

    Fast thinking, slow thinking… hmmmm… I’ll just keep doing “Angie thinking”. It usually works best for me. (YMMV)

    Laughing through a movie you’re not sure is supposed to be funny reminds me of when I saw 300. I laughed so hard through the whole thing. It really irritated my daughter and her friend who were watching with me. The movie was way overdone, I’d seen Meet The Spartans before watching 300 and I was high AF😂 I’m laughing rn remembering. It was even funny that my daughter was so pissed off. Oh my…

    I dont have any major bugs right now. I’m gonna ride this wave all the way into the shore, hell, all the way to the street if I can🏄‍♀️

    The linky links…
    #1 hmmmmm
    #2 oh wow! Totally sucky! Medical drama is awful. Love the happy ending. A bit like my medical journey and lessons learned.
    #3 wtf? Was that just an ad for dudes book or seminar or whatever? I read it 3 times and still????? Dont watch them eat? Seriously? Face palm, buh-bye.

    And with that… TTFN💃

    Like

    • Hey Angie 🙂

      I used to think/feel that way about repeating myself, and others repeating themselves, but blogging has shown me that repetition is actually useful and helpful, it shows you where there’s a piece of a puzzle or a puzzle which has yet to be solved. It also shows you when a narrative has evolved, the puzzle is progressing or at times regressing, when you tell it again but it’s told slightly differently, perhaps from a new angle which you didn’t have before, it’s fleshed out a bit more, connected to other stories, or thinned out and one day it may vanish from the repertory when it is no longer needed or has been integrated, absorbed.

      The 300 was awesome! Loved it! This is SPARTA! – and Sparta kick. That was hilarious and very satisfying 😀 You get to use the Sparta kick in Assassin’s Creed Odyssey, it is gruesomely funny when it knocks an enemy off of a high place. The 300 wasn’t supposed to be serious, it was an action film, action films often have an element of dark and twisted humour running through them which is what makes them so addictive to watch. South Korean films tend to have that too, and Office definitely was playing the dark and twisted humour card.

      I’ve suffered from the – I can’t stand the way you… I caught that bug from my mother, she couldn’t stand the way my father ate, lay on the sofa watching TV, smoked his cigar, etc, she couldn’t stand the way anyone else did anything. She was a Chronic Criticiser, but she couldn’t see that she was doing that, and she couldn’t see how it was affecting her relationships. Her narrative was a “good person being good” by pointing out everyone’s faults, flaws and what bugged her about them – she was helping improve you, make you a better person. I caught myself doing the Chronic Criticiser in my relationship with my partner, and I cringed because OMG I’m becoming my mother! And of course I had a narrative for myself which had me as “the good guy”, “the chilled one” whose chill was being ruined by the way someone else was doing something – if they’d stop doing that then I could return to my chilled me being chilled place. But I was the problem, not them. When you’re the problem, you’re also the solution. So I changed my narrative about myself and that helped to shift me away from Chronic Criticising those close to me. It didn’t happen overnight though 😉

      Like

  2. Ursula, imagine my surprise to see the link to my story here! I didn’t get a pingback and had no idea. Thank you very much for sharing the link. Also, for some reason WordPress doesn’t show me your clicks on my blog. But, I know you were there because you know the stories and you clicked Like. Go figure.

    What in the world could bug anyone about shattered feet? Hehe.

    My mom used to play the martyr. I used to call her an energy vampire (behind her back, of course). After I first moved out of the house and then had to go back to spend time with her, I was drained. I had to nap when I got home.

    I posed a question on facebook yesterday that a couple of people didn’t take to kindly to. First, I prefaced it by saying, “Just because someone says something inappropriate, that doesn’t mean what they said was untrue.” Then I asked, “If you think someone says something inappropriate and get angry, are you angry because it’s inappropriate or because it’s true?”

    Anyway, I thought that a person who doesn’t filter their words and speaks inappropriately sort of reminded me of the “what bugs you?” theme of this post.

    Thanks again. 🙂

    Like

    • Thank you, Lori 🙂

      WordPress tends to up the glitch factor at certain times of the year, Autumn is when they sometimes roll out new elements, updates, etc, which they’ve been working on during the Summer. There are some new glitches atm which are rather annoying, but it’ll pass. Pingbacks are regularly glitchy, sometimes they work sometimes they don’t. Stats are unreliable, occasionally they get wiped or go haywire. The platform is very human – messy and kind of more lovable because it’s messy 😉

      I loved your series and wanted to share it. Since all my posts are a bit nuts, I’m never sure where and when to share, so I just go with spontaneous and as I came to the end of this post, your series popped into mind and so I thought – share it now! Especially as it involved some giant bugs for you and your nearest and dearest, and you all dealt with it so gracefully considering the intense stress and pain.

      I like your FB question! Great ask!!! I find that an angry reaction is insightful – but it does depend on the type of angry, for instance is it intellectual-angry or emotional-angry? Is it genuine-angry or programmed-angry?

      Years ago I got angry about something and, as I was working on the angry – as in working myself up thinking myself angrier, it suddenly occurred to me that I wasn’t actually genuine-angry, I was simply following a program which my mother had installed in me. It was something which would make her angry and I had been trained to get angry on her behalf or else I wasn’t a good little soldier. So I just stopped the angry and shrugged the whole thing off because it wasn’t mine – but I made note of that process and began to review everything which triggered an angry reaction.

      Sometimes people get angry because they think that’s what they should do – particularly nowadays with so many social issues demanding an angry reaction from us or else… people feel they might be viewed/judged badly by others, get rejected by a group, if they don’t have an “appropriate” angry reaction at something “inappropriate”.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I totally related to what you said about getting angry because you were conditioned to by your mom. My mom always said I made mountains out of molehills, so I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. Once I moved out of state and away from family, I started seeing how easy little things were that she always said were difficult. I realized she had projected HER trait onto me.

        I’ve taken notice at how so many people get angry at something they perceive to be “inappropriate.” I’m thinking about possibly writing a blog post on this topic.

        I really respect your introspection. This is a quality I think very few people have in our society today. It’s my observation that we live in a narcissistic culture. Not that everyone is narcissistic, but our culture does seem to revolve around catering to everyone’s emotions. Which is impossible to do for every individual of 7.7 billion people on the planet. I’ve seen too many throw tantrums when they’re feelings/emotions aren’t catered to.

        Here is a blog post I wrote a long time ago (comments closed after 4 months) about my own introspection. If you go there, keep in mind I don’t write about my narcissistic parents on my blog. I generalize so they don’t know I’m talking about them, cause they read it.
        https://loreezlane.wordpress.com/2015/01/13/a-personal-growth-story-from-the-way-back-machine/

        Like

        • That’s a great post, Lori 🙂 I like your reason for going to AA.

          Funnily enough I was having a conversation with myself about the origin point of how I feel in a group, and how I interact or don’t interact. I’ve read “Being an Introvert” material, and while it does explain some things, there’s always the question of – Are we born Introverts or do we become Introverts? As in do we become Introverted because the very first group we interact with makes us feel that our participation in the group is unwanted, uninteresting, disruptive, or because we get the impression that somehow it’s dangerous for us to speak up, speak out, join in? And your post added food for thought. You have a keen observational eye – that’s something I admire.

          Those who are Introverts tend to be introspective, but may not share their introspection with others – so we end up not knowing they’re doing it, unless they have a blog where they feel able to share it. I follow quite a few bloggers who share their introspection, and in exploring the “Recommended Posts” in the reader I’ve come across more introspective posts/bloggers. So I think there are many people in this world who are introspective, but it’s the ones who aren’t introspective who make the most noise and because they make so much noise we notice them more.

          Extroverts tend to do outside of themselves what Introverts do inside of themselves. Introverts figure their emotions out for themselves internally – when hurt, they retreat within to deal with the hurt and talk it through with themselves. Extroverts need to do it externally, often by talking about it with others – when hurt they scream out loud “I’m feeling hurt, pay attention to it and help me with it, make it stop!”.

          We do appear to be going through a narcissistic phase of human development globally. I think it’s reaching a climax and we’re slowly moving into the next phase because more and more of us are fed up with how things are, there’s a global restlessness which tends to signal a shift. It’ll be interesting to see what happens next.

          I definitely would love to read your post about your “inappropriate” question, look forward to it 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

          • Hey, thanks Ursula, for checking out my “personal growth story.” Just wanted to let you know that I didn’t attend AA, but rather, al-anon, which is the same 12-step program, only for people who have loved ones who are alcoholics.

            So, it’s nice to have a community of introspective bloggers. I don’t run into too many of those, because mine was set up as an author. I did follow Lynette through my author friends.

            I once took an introvert/extrovert test, and I came out smack dab right in the middle. Which didn’t surprise me, considering I need all things balanced in order to function coherently in life. I did need to talk out my issues, which is why I saw a therapist. But, I didn’t go talking it out with non-professionals. I knew many of the people in my life were too screwed up to help.

            I absolutely love the introspective question, “is someone born an introvert, or did it get conditioned after an “incident?” Were you ever able to come up with an answer to that question?

            I really admire how you consider all sides and don’t judge. I can see all sides to situations, but at risk of admitting a serious flaw, I tend to judge a person’s behavior. Not in a bad way, but in an analytic, “this is what they do and why” sort of way.

            You’re right, it will be interesting to see what happens with this global restlessness, but it’s scary, too. At least to me. 🤷‍♀️

            Like

            • You’re an ambivert 🙂 perfect result for a Libra Sun!

              It’s still a question I’m exploring. I like to put questions out there and see what connects with it, then travel along connection tangents and see where I end up. I reckon there’s a bit of both to most things like that – we’re born with certain tendencies and if they get encouraged then we go thataway, but if they get discouraged then we go another way, sometimes we go one way for a while and then go another way later.

              It’s not a serious flaw to judge the behaviour of others, it’s a very human tendency which serves a purpose. I do it too, except when I do it the universe tends to consider my judgement to be a question and the next thing I know I’m doing the exact thing I was judging someone else for doing. So if I was judging someone for being judgmental… cut to me being judgemental like they were and… Oh, okay, now I get it 😉 and if someone judges me for being judgmental like I did with that person… Ah, this feels awful, maybe I should use my judging ability differently 😀 It’s a bit ouroboros.

              Liked by 1 person

              • Haha. You’re funny going back and forth. My question about people being upset over someone being “inappropriate” might turn back on me thinking their offense over the “inappropriate” is inappropriate. 😜😆

                Liked by 1 person

  3. I have read Lori’s feet story before, but re-read as it had been a while. What a trial she experienced, to say nothing of her husband!

    When I get bugged (and of course, bugging can carry a whole different meaning in this part of the world 🐜, but not the cute kind like you have on your slate. These bugs have been known to carry away small dogs), I have to take my time and figure it out. It sits bug buzzing in the background, and sooner or later I’m bugged by that buggy running program. I can hear it a bit, and I think to myself, hurry up and bug-out! I’m covered in bites! And I can get supremely annoyed with my gnat-infested self.

    Of course, I’m older now and am much less bugged by bugs than in my callow youth. I’ve learned the art of bug spray spraying. 😉

    Like

  4. Hello Miss Ursula. I know that this is the wrong place to post this, and that it’s completely irrelevant to what you have written above, but I really need to ask you something. Something about Capricorns. I would like to thank you as well, but I’ll only ask my question and say what I would like to say if you’re cool with me doing it here, since it irrelevant to your article…

    Like

      • Thank you so much! Okay, where to begin… I became interested in the zodiac signs through a close friend of mine. Someone who I look up to and admire deeply is a Capricorn, so out of curiosity I decided to delve into this zodiac. I really, really admire that they are such hard working and productive, there is just one problem concerning them that I am currently dealing with. This is something I read from the Internet-
        “Capricorn is definitely one of the mowt loyql out of the zodiac. But if you anger them, break their trust, or just flat out screw them over, your relationship with Capricorn is over. And while they might forgive, they will never forget.” I have a problem with this statement, and here’s what bothering me:
        The whole “break their trust” thing, I can understand, but anger? Really? Everyone gets angry, sometimes for dumb reasons, sometimes for understandable ones. A lot of times, people don’t mean to intentionally anger others, especially friends, but we all make mistakes. Capricorn is one of the most mature sign out of all the other zodiac, arguably THE most mature. But in my opinion, being unable to give others second chances and forgiveness isn’t very mature. Capricorns like respect, trust and reliability, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But being unable to give people a chance to redeem themselves is… unfair. I am a Libra, as a Libra I have a strong belief in forgiveness and second chances, I think this is why many people think Libras are “pushovers”. Anyway, as a Libra, this really bothers me. I feel like my respect for the person I mention above has been punched in the face, not lost, just battered. Perhaps this way of thinking is unreasonable, I know that it is not right to just assume things and make conclusions based on assumption, but I’m just feeling really conflicted right now. I would like a friend who will stick by my side through thick and thin, and even if I do screw up sometimes, they won’t up and ditch me just like that, a friend whom I can work things out with. To me, that is true loyalty. I am not saying that Capricorns are not truly loyal, just that their loyalty might be a bit…questionable. Nobody’s perfect, we all have are flaws, but this subject has been bothering me to the point that I’m willing to talk to ANYONE for advice ( wink wink). I feel like I’d be afraid to become friends with a Capricorn for the sole reason of losing them, as a Libra and a person in general, I want to change this. Some might tell me to learn to be a better friend and better person, I agree with them completely, we’ve all got something in our lives that we need to work on. But I would like advice from an actual Capricorn on a subject about Capricorns cuz who would know better about Capricorn problems than a Capricorn themself? Lol. Okay, anyway, please give me some insight and advice so my faith in Capricorns can be restored. ;p
        I hope that everything I have stated above makes sense lol.

        Ps. Years ago, you posted an article about Capricorn relationship problems, I was going to ask you there since it would be a more appropriate place, but the comments over there are closed now so…yeah.

        Like

        • I am aware that what might be the case for some, does not apply to everyone. But you seem like a very wise individual so I would like to know what your opinion on the matter is. 🙂

          Like

            • Hi Eanna 🙂

              No worries about spelling errors, life’s too short to worry about those 😉 I make quite a lot of those in my posts and just leave them for people to enjoy spotting and correcting in their minds.

              I’m not so sure if I’m wise, but it’s a lovely compliment so let’s just pretend that it’s true 😀

              I closed the comments on old posts about a year ago, it took me a long time to decide to do that because I knew it might cause some problems for those wanting to leave a comment or ask a question, however leaving them open was causing problems for me. I figured if anyone had a question which they really wanted to ask, they’d do what you did, and ask it on a recent post.

              Okay, on to your question, which I love!

              You’re absolutely right about this – “The whole “break their trust” thing, I can understand, but anger? Really? Everyone gets angry, sometimes for dumb reasons, sometimes for understandable ones. A lot of times, people don’t mean to intentionally anger others, especially friends, but we all make mistakes. Capricorn is one of the most mature sign out of all the other zodiac, arguably THE most mature. But in my opinion, being unable to give others second chances and forgiveness isn’t very mature. Capricorns like respect, trust and reliability, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But being unable to give people a chance to redeem themselves is… unfair.”

              I hadn’t considered the statement from that perspective because I read it from a Capricorn viewpoint – most Capricorns are very slow to anger.

              We’re naturally grumpy, irritable, easily annoyed, frustrated, and may have an angry expression on our faces (as in resting bitchface) which makes us appear angry all the time, but that’s not anger for a Capricorn – as in real deep anger of the type which makes us break off contact, end the relationship, never forget (we also never forget a kindness).

              It takes most Capricorns years, sometimes decades, before we get to the level of anger which can no longer be ignored or denied or reasoned away, and must be acted on. Capricorn is ruled by the planet Saturn – which is a tough ruler, a task master, it demands self-mastery, which includes being responsible of your emotional reactions, mastering them and not letting them have mastery over you. Capricorns tend to be rather saturnine and stoic – it takes a lot to make us really angry, and we may repress and ignore it for a long time.

              We’re very much like our symbolic animal – goats – in that we can eat all sorts of stuff, like metal, tins cans, thorny, spikey things which other animals don’t eat. We can take a lot of abuse from others before we get angry, really angry, about it and at them.

              We can deal with people being rude to us, and can understand that they didn’t mean to be rude, they’re just tactless – we’re tactless too. We appreciate their direct approach, we don’t need to be flattered or have things sugarcoated. Even if they did mean to be rude, we can handle it. We’re practical in our approach to interactions, relationships, we’re human and we realise just how difficult it is to be human 😉

              People making mistakes, especially ones for which we end up paying, will make us angry but not necessarily nuking the relationship level of anger.

              It’s about the type and level of anger.

              In astrology, if you want to know more about someone’s anger style you have to look at the placement of their natal Mars (god of war and action).

              Also worth checking out their natal Moon – emotions. And their natal Mercury – mind. And looking to see if Mars connects with those via an aspect. Mars/Moon can make someone more emotionally angry. Mars/Mercury creates more mental anger. I have both Mars/Moon and Mars/Mercury. My Moon is in Virgo so I’m analytical about my emotions and can logic myself out of anger. Mars/Mercury makes me argumentative at a mind level… mostly I just argue with myself in my head 😉

              If Mars makes an aspect to their Sun, then they may get angry when their ego (Sun) takes a hit.

              If their Mars is in Aries, or one of the other Fire signs, they may have a temper tantrum, let off steam and be fine afterwards. If their Mars is in Scorpio (like mine) you might get stung if they’re only slightly annoyed but you might not notice they’re angry until many years later if they’re really very angry.

              So if you can find out your particular Capricorn’s Mars sign it’ll give you more information about their style of anger. You just need their date of birth for Mars since it stays in a sign for several weeks at a time.

              You might also find it informative to read up on the decans – each sign is divided into 3 sections which alter the sign slightly. This site – https://darkstarastrology.com/ – has some great in depth information on the decans, scroll to the bottom of the home page for the links.

              One thing worth keeping in mind is that your Sun sign, Libra, is a Cardinal sign like Capricorn, Cardinal signs tend to be bossy and want to be the boss, so when Cardinal signs meet, there can be some butting of heads. Libra and Capricorn square each other, arguments may happen due to different styles and approaches to the same thing. Libras are known for being peacekeepers, diplomats, tactful, they like to rule with a velvet glove. Capricorns tend to rule more with an iron fist.

              However what you said here – “I would like a friend who will stick by my side through thick and thin, and even if I do screw up sometimes, they won’t up and ditch me just like that, a friend whom I can work things out with. To me, that is true loyalty.” – is something Capricorns would agree with wholeheartedly. We want that too, and we try to give to others what we would like to receive.

              If someone does something to us which causes us to experience something along these lines – “I feel like my respect for the person I mention above has been punched in the face, not lost, just battered.” – which I thought was a brilliant way of describing the experience, we’ll stay loyal but wary of them for a while.

              If they keep doing things which makes us feel that our loyalty is misplaced, that they’re punching us in the face, battering our respect for them, treating us like a “pushover” (Libras are definitely not pushovers!) because we’re staying loyal to them regardless of how they’re treating us and keep giving them more second chances, then we begin to get angry at ourselves… and once a Capricorn is angry at themselves, the anger becomes deeper, the type and level of anger changes.

              For more on Capricorn, Steven Forrest is a professional astrologer who is also a Capricorn, his perspective on the sign is excellent. I’m linking you to his blog and article he wrote about Capricorn and Saturn – https://www.forrestastrology.com/blogs/astrology/december-2015-newsletter

              As to whether Capricorn is mature… depends on the Capricorn, we can be immature we’re just better at putting on a serious and mature facade, covering up our immaturity 😉 The work of esoteric astrologer, Alan Oken, is interesting. He divides each sign into 3 levels of maturity, of growth, of development using the Mutable, Fixed and Cardinal Crosses in his book Soul-Centered Astrology. His blog is here and he has some articles about Saturn and Capricorn – https://www.alanoken.com/articles/

              Your idea of asking a Capricorn about Capricorns is a good one – I think you should ask your particular Capricorn about their approach to relationships, friendships, what makes them stay and what makes them go away. You can do it directly or indirectly, whatever feels more comfortable. If they’re into astrology you could share that statement which bothered you and then ask them about it. If they’re not into astrology… would they dismiss you as a friend because you’re into it? You could simply ask them about what makes them cut someone out of their life and what makes them stick with someone through thick and thin. Want to get to know someone – find out more about them from them, and then see how what they reveal makes you feel.

              Best wishes!

              Like

              • Thank you very much for your reply! It was so helpful. I think some insecurities of mine might have contributed to my former mindset, us Libras can tend to seriously stress over situations that confuse us, hehe… Well, now I have a much better understanding of Capricorns and their point of view! I am currently unsure of how I could maybe get in touch with the Capricorn I mentioned in my question, funny thing is, I’ve never actually met them in person…I know that might sound odd, but let’s just say that I found them on the Internet. (I won’t go into too many details about that, hehe.) I know them personally but at the same time I don’t, if..that makes sense. I’ll see what I can do and if I could somehow get in touch with them without accidentally crossing any boundaries and seeming like some creepy stalker lol. Ironically, my younger cousin is in fact a Cap, though she lives in another country, and I’ve only visited her once and talk to her on the phone occasionally. So I didn’t really get a chance to know her that personally, let alone get on her bad side.(heh, not that I would want to purposefully do that of course.) So yeah, I really don’t have that much personal experience with Capricorns. Which is why I resorted to asking random Capricorn strangers on the Internet about personal problems! *sigh* I’m a GENIUS at solving my problems XD. (You’re awesome though ;p. ) Thanks again for taking the time to give me such a well thought-out answer, it’s very much appreciated. I feel like a big emotional weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I feel so much better about mentioned person now, and all Capricorns in general. Okay, so maybe I’m being a tad bit dramatic about this, but it’s sincerely how I feel! One more thank you for your help!

                Best wishes to you too!

                🙂

                Like

    • You’re new to WordPress, aren’t you, so I’ll cut you some slack and offer you some advice which you didn’t ask for and probably don’t think you need…

      Comments like the one you just made are often viewed as “spam” by bloggers. Especially “older” bloggers = those who have been blogging for several years.

      WordPress used to have blog which offered guidance to newbies, you might want to check this out – https://dailypost.wordpress.com/2015/07/08/blogging-etiquette-roundup/ – especially the bit with links under the subtitle “How not to appear Spammy”.

      If what you want is to get more followers… don’t say “plz read and follow me” under a link to your blog on another blogger’s post without some social display of giving a shit about the blogger’s post you just commented on.

      If you don’t give a shit about our blog, why should we give a shit about yours?

      I did check out your blog… I’m not going to follow you just yet.

      Best wishes 🙂

      Like

  5. Another quality read Ursula – reading you is at times like looking deep within the vaultts of time – fancy term for yesterday.

    What bugs me currently? Nothing really and lots and everything all at once. One minute l am focused on something then it goes and then it’s back … ah yes, there is something that bugged me – you wrote it a bit of time ago and l have been thinking on it ever since and l have really worked a number on it to give it justice. I am writing about that today as long as the other bugbear of mine doesn’t prevent me, but then that’s hardly a bugbear if it is yourself is it? not you as that yourself, but me as in reflectively speaking yourself – myself.

    Like

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