This Thing That Is Mine Which Belongs To Me

While sitting on the washing machine to stop it from bouncing off the walls and knocking them down…

I started an argument with myself.

Arguing with myself is a regular feature of my internal conversations.

I’d been dusting with the vacuum cleaner and something on top of my partner’s cupboard went plinky-plink as it got sucked up.

Uh bleeping oh!

I quickly pressed the abort mission button on the sucking machine. Then checked to see if I could retrieve the object before it ended up in the dust bag.

Rifling through the dust bag seemed like a counterproductive activity to do when it comes to dusting.

Luckily the object, which was a wall plug (made of plastic… so how did it manage to go plinky-plink?), had lodged itself in the nozzle, and hey presto it was free to go back to its hiding place.

As I reached up to pop it back… AHA! That’s where my favourite screwdriver is! The thieving magpie struck again!

My partner sometimes teases me for my attachment bordering on obsessive love affair to certain tools, mainly screwdrivers.

He found it oh so tease-y delicious when he discovered that I called a small one “the magic screwdriver” and I would get upset when I couldn’t find it… I couldn’t find it later on because he took it and kept it after he’d used it. When confronted he told me what a jolly good little screwdriver it was – that’s why I call it “the magic screwdriver“, because it works every time rather than some screwdrivers which are more temperamental.

I was furious when he thieving magpie-d the magic screwdriver and he’s never made that mistake again with that one.

He has loads of screwdrivers of his own, and if I use one I am under strict orders to put it back exactly where it is kept. Which I do because it makes it easier to find it again, and because I endeavour to not be a complete hypocrite. His collection of screwdrivers should = he doesn’t need to use mine, but because I imbue mine with glimmering magic powers… they become rather irresistible to magpies.

Somehow my tools are more special and better than his because I love them and… humans!

My favourite screwdriver is larger than the magic screwdriver, and just as reliable. It does the job it is supposed to do, and doesn’t whine about the screws being too tough, too hard, too stuck, too rusted into place or too soft like the other screwdrivers do when asked to screw or unscrew.

It also never damages the screw to prove that it’s obviously the screw’s fault and not the screwdriver’s fault that things aren’t getting done or undone.

As I was being all shook up by the washing machine on its super duper manic spin cycle… I was grumbling to myself about my favourite screwdriver being the victim of the tool thieving magpie.

I considered giving him a piece of my mind, but… then a different side of me decided to play advocate for the defense of the magpie.

Where did your favourite screwdriver come from before it became yours?

This is what I thought (okay, it was all in thought but there are talking-thoughts and thinking-thoughts, and each talking-thought has the ability to think thoughts the other talking-thoughts can’t hear): The swine! It’s using what it knows about me (because it’s me too) against me!

This is what I said in thought (aka talking-thought): You got me! It actually belonged to a gentleman who came to do a job in the house and left it behind.

So, it’s not yours, it belongs to someone else, therefore it is theirs!

I waited for them to come back for it, left it on the hall windowsill for weeks…

Why did you not call this gentleman to inform him of the location of his lost utensil?

Ummm…

Ummm…” is not an answer, however it is proof of guilt! M’Lud, this woman is a shameless screwdriver stealer, and her favourite screwdriver is not hers at all so my client is therefore not a thieving magpie, in fact he was rescuing the screwdriver from the clutches of a thieving magpie!!!

Hmmm… you do have a point. Even though it is an annoying one and you didn’t have to be so rude about me, but it does resolve the issue.

Conclusion of internal argument trial – The screwdriver belongs to no man or woman, it is a free agent, free to go where it chooses and please…

And it seems to like being hidden on top of the cupboard with a bunch of nails, walls plugs and some sort of metal brackets which are still waiting to be placed on a wall… which is how they all ended up there.

During the course of the internal trial, a not still small voice, a voice which is not one of mine but one I absorbed from someone else, piped up in the background:

This screwdriver that is mine, which belongs to me… well, this screwdriver, that I have (ad lib – or had and should still have since it’s mine and belongs to me), that is to say, which is mine… is mine.

That voice belongs to Anne Elk.

screenshot of Anne Elk (taken from the video below)

Anne Elk’s voice belongs to John Cleese.

When he was part of the Monty Python gang.

When Monty Python were getting up to shenanigans on TV in the Flying Circus.

I used to watch the TV series as a child and although much of what they said was probably too grown up for me, went flying over the top of my small head, I still found it all hilarious, it was a circus after all, and I soaked it up like the sponge that I was then… and still sort of am now.

So I thought I’d share an excerpt from the transcript of that particular episode and sketch:

Presenter: Now, Miss Elk – Anne – you have a new theory about the brontosaurus.
Anne Elk: Can I just say here, Chris for one moment, that I have a new theory about the brontosaurus?
Presenter: Uh… Exactly… What is it?
Anne Elk: Where?
Presenter: No! No, what is your theory?
Anne Elk: What is my theory?
Presenter: Yes!
Anne Elk: What is my theory that it is? Yes. Well, you may well ask what is my theory.
Presenter: I am asking.
Anne Elk: And well you may. Yes, my word, you may well ask what it is, this theory of mine. Well, this theory, that I have, that is to say, which is mine,… is mine.
Presenter: I know it’s yours! What is it?
Anne Elk: … Where? … Oh! Oh! What is my theory?
Presenter: Yes!
Anne Elk: Ahh! My theory, that I have, follows the lines that I am about to relate. (starts prolonged throat clearing)
Presenter: (under breath) Oh, God! (Anne still clearing throat)
Anne Elk: The Theory, by A. Elk (that’s “A” for Anne”, it’s not by a elk.)
Presenter: Right…
Anne Elk: (clears throat) This theory, which belongs to me, is as follows… (more throat clearing) This is how it goes… (clears throat) The next thing that I am about to say is my theory. (clears throat) Ready?
Presenter: (whimpers)
Anne Elk: The Theory, by A. Elk (Miss). My theory is along the following lines…
Presenter: (under breath) God!
Anne Elk: …All brontosauruses are thin at one end; much, much thicker in the middle and then thin again at the far end. That is the theory that I have and which is mine and what it is, too.

excerpt from Ann Elk’s Theory on Brontosauruses, Monty Python’s Flying Circus, Series 3, episode 31.

That excerpt comes from a wonderful site – Another Bleedin’ Monty Python Website – which has lovingly preserved in cyberamber the Monty Python’s Flying Circus scripts for the entire four series. It has lots of other Monty Python goodies too (not The Goodies… that’s a different comedy team).

If you’re a fan of Monty Python, but have never watched the Flying Circus series…

Here’s a taster, a wafer thin mint…

This is a video clip of the Anne Elk sketch:

While I was on that website, browsing the episodes, remembering some and not remembering others… this one made me deep chuckle:

The Man Who Says Things in a Very Roundabout Way – Monty Python’s Flying Circus series 2, ep 26 via Another Bleedin’ Monty Python Website

That’s it!

12 comments

  1. Hey Ursula🌻

    Perched on the washer during spin cycle to keep it from bouncing off the walls?? Is that the really real reason😉😂😂

    Truly magical items cannot stay with one person too long. You didn’t passively steal the screwdriver, it decided it wanted to live at your house for a while.
    I have favorite items too and both daughters keep trying to claim them. I wouldn’t mind sharing, but they dont make the items accessible once they’ve swiped ’em. With younger moved out, I’m still finding that things are missing. Oh well, maybe they wanted to leave me, right?🤷‍♀️

    I love Monty Python. I haven’t seen all of the Flying Circus but this reminded me of a thought I had a while back. I dont remember the full context but it was something to do with the cross in your natal and I thought of Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life.

    The video plays the Python clip and keeps playing… it showed me a 3 little pigs vs wolf (dressed in nazi ss gear) and advertised war bonds (the bricks of 3rd pig were made of them)… another video started but I stopped. I might go back and explore the rest. Chance isn’t always chance😉
    🤔💃💌

    Like

    • Hey, Angie 😀

      Haha! Nice take on magical items! When I was younger I had a thing about things which were mine. I know why. I used to get cross when people touched my things, and get deeply hurt if someone took something which was mine. I’d get super anxious when I lost something, it could feel like the end of days. But then I switched over to preferring to have few possessions, and if someone wanted something of mine, unless it was vital to me and I whittled what was vital down to a couple of things, I’d give it to them. I also know why I did that. Nowadays I’ve found a better balance after having traveled from one extreme to another and experienced different aspects of having and not having, attachment and detachment, and so on. We imbue things with human things – those human things can be moved from thing to thing, it’s usually a good idea to explore those human things and understand the message, it may take a while to do that as the human thing shifts and has more message to the message 😉

      Ah, what a coinkydink – you mentioning the Life of Brian song… after having gone down a Monty Python’s Flying Circus memory lane, I went down a Not The Nine O’Clock News memory lane – not sure if you’ll know them as I don’t know if their comedy crossed the pond, although you will know at least one member of the team since he became huge later on when he went solo. I came across a video on Youtube of a parody they did of an interview the Monty Python guys did when the church got offended by Life of Brian – it’s called “Not The Nine O’clock News – Monty Python Worshipers” if you want to check it out. They use a lot of Monty Python Flying Circus references as well as Fawlty Towers. It’s very clever!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you for the viewing recommendation. (Said in “announcer” voice😂)
        I found the Python Worshipers and then an interview about Life Of Brian auto played and at the end Fawlty Towers was mentioned, so I watched most of the 1st episode and felt myself being sucked in. I had to stop because I have errands and life stuff. Bummer…
        But I have another place of giggles to explore later, so again, I thank you!🌻

        Liked by 1 person

  2. “My partner sometimes teases me for my attachment bordering on obsessive love affair to certain tools, mainly screwdrivers.” My own particular obsession is with hammers. I have a hammer (still have it too) that I’ve had since I was ten or eleven, and found it lying unattended on a sidewalk while I was on an outing with my parents. It came home with me and it’s been MY HAMMER ever since. Hubby thought it amusing too (just like your S.O. thinks of your screwdriver fetish). He once left it out in the rain, because my hubby NEVER put anything away and just bought a new one of whatever when he needed a tool, unless it was a hammer, and then he’d come try to ‘borrow’ mine. I found my hammer, in danger of rusting from being rained on. I took it inside, tenderly dried it off and hid it. No more hammer for hubby! The problem became that I forgot where I hid it and it took my moving to find it again. Now my brother is the one giving me odd looks when I say “No don’t use THAT hammer, use this one” … they just don’t get this love we have for our tools….do they?

    Classic Monty Python. Perfect little gem for a Sunday! *ahem* koff koff koff “Where?” 😛

    Like

    • How very dare you! 😉 not sure if you’ll get that reference, it’s a regular line from a character called Derek who gets offended and insulted by perceived slights in The Catherine Tate Show.

      Literally lightening up reminds me of that tale of the little girl who had to keep rocks in her pockets to stop herself from floating away. great point about not being able to take anything with you, but people sure try to do that 😀

      Liked by 1 person

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