That’s a nickname someone gave me because I reminded them of a bear, mostly because I can sleep anywhere, and when I am asleep I look like I’m hibernating… don’t try to wake me up even if it is for my own good or you’ll find out the other reasons why I received this nickname. But don’t worry, I don’t usually fall asleep on my blog.
(that’s me in the pic below… however my deviantart is no more)
Speaking of my blog… Welcome to my cyber home!
Here you will find the scribblings which erupt from me. I write in the style of my thinking – I’m a tangential thinker, which is apparently a disorder, luckily I’m not too keen on orders.
I talk this way too, when I can actually be bothered to talk. Translating my thoughts into verbal utterances is not always a good idea, at least that’s the impression I get from those who hear my words… then run away covering their ears, screaming… or maybe they’re singing.
I can be rather blunt. Sometimes I’m just odd (I am very weird and very crazy).
I’m an INTP… according to MBTI. I love exploring different ways of perceiving things, and people, and life.
You’ll find a mishmash of all sorts on here.
Conversations (often arguments) with myself, soul-searching, self-analysis, ghosts in the brain, astrology…
You can find my astrology chart here. I am a Capricorn Sun, but that’s not the part with which you need to be concerned (some people think all Capricorns are sociopaths), it’s Pluto and Uranus located in the 1st house which is far more disturbing. I call them Death Stares and Fruit Loops, which explains everything – you’ll either love me or hate me or both at the same time. The latter sums up how I feel about myself.
I am an ACoN – Adult Child of Narcissists. I’ve written about my experiences, some people relate to what I’ve expressed, others think that I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I often don’t know what I’m talking about either, confusion is a familiar destination for me. I have sexdaily, otherwise known as dyslexia. It affects more than just the ability to read and write, and causes those with it to develop some interesting skills (eg. I have to triple-check what I read and hear, and this can be useful for spotting lying liars who lie).
…rants, humour (at least I think it’s funny), musings, things which make me go hmmm, philosophy, dreams, memories, TV & Film, Video games, books, and a plethora of other things, sometimes fluffy, sometimes spiky, sometimes just odd (very weird and very crazy).
Oh, and I make a lot of mistakes… I’m a mistake-making mess of a human (yes, I’m fairly certain I’m human), and it’s fun!
This is a very self-indulgent blog. It changes from time to time… it flows with me. I flow back-to-front, upside down, topsy turvy, and any which way except the way that I’m supposed to go.
Thank you for visiting, and may your journey through life take you on many wonderful adventures!
Hi Ursula, I wasn’t able to find a contact form or anything else where I could send you a private message. I just read one of your blog posts and it resonated so well with me. I would love to get in touch with you some way – I hope that’s okay. Looking forward hearing from you. All the best, Sarah xx
Hi, Sarah 🙂
Thank you for sharing!
I’ve removed your ps. with your contact details (but have saved them) as this blog is open to the public and anyone can read the comments. At the moment I only communicate via comments on my blog, so there is no contact form or anything to find. I have been considering adding an email for people to contact me privately, but I’ve been considering that for a couple of years and haven’t done it yet, so I’ll probably keep dithering about it.
If you’re open to and okay with chatting via comments, that’s great, we can comment-chat here on my About page or on the post you mentioned which resonated with you. Ask or share anything you want. Just keep in mind the comments are public.
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I tried to think up a witty response but all I got was – this is fabulous.
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Thank you very much, Alice 🙂
Hey Ursula, l have nominated you for the Sunshine Blogger Award 🙂
Thank you very much, Rory 🙂
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Pleasure Ursula 🙂
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Dropping in to say hello 🥰💙
Hi, Nova, nice to blog-meet you 🙂
Happy to have found your blog! 💕 Amanda
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Thank you, Amanda 😀
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Hi beautiful. Mbti came across this blog. It saddens me to hear your pain in such a way that baby bear that I Kno so much about.. is my world and only want to make everything so much better for us. For you. If this is you.. LLS.. you mean the world to me. And I love your kinda of weird and everything lil think about U.. EVERY THING…I wouldn’t change a thing about you. Other then I wished U would try to feel our magic again . We have all the ingredients. Pls get back to me. It would be an honor to take you on a date and rekindle that magic… I have the drive for only U..eyes 4 only one dear one…. I can only dream about that dear lil face and that bear lil …. So miss her. My heart aches to no end every day and every night.. I would love a restart of the plans we had . Fishing.under the stars N 🌕 moon and getting to kno each other all over again and take it to a level of pure happiness calm respectful adoring N loving U 2pieces.. as soul mates do… Dear beautiful one… Baby Come Back… Sincerely your bfti… I hope N pray every day.. I will back U til the end of time
TY, Ti, but I’m not who you’re looking for. Best wishes on finding your particular bear 🙂
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Hi Ursula, thanks for the blog. I stumbled upon it by Googling “tyrannical father devouring mother.” I’ve been looking online for a copy of Going mad to Stay Sane, per your recommendation. Do you remember where you got yours, is there any way you could share your copy with me? The excerpts sounded spot on and I’d love to read the whole book.
Hope all is well 🙂
Hi Alex 🙂
The author of Going Mad To Stay Sane, Andy White, has an active blog – http://andywhiteblog.com/ – and reprinted the book a couple of years ago – https://andywhiteblog.com/2016/06/11/going-mad-to-stay-sane-2/ – which according to that post has apparently sold out and there’s a new edition pending.
You could perhaps email Andy, or comment on his blog, and see if he’s either got a spare copy or if he’s done an e-book version of it or would consider doing an e-book, or if he’d email you a full pdf version (might as well ask, you never know). He’s very approachable, I’ve chatted with him a bit via email and he’s commented on my blog a few times.
Thank you for your reply. It turns out there’s a single copy in the library system in my city 🙂 So i’ll try to hunt it down today or tomorrow. If that doesn’t work, I’ll e-mail andy. Thank you for the information and all the best!
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Despite being listed as available at the library, it wasn’t there 😦 and hasn’t been seen since 2002 =( I left a message on Andy’s blog and hoping for the best. Thank you for the suggestion!
Sounds like either someone checked it out and never returned it or it got lost in the system. Hopefully Andy will get back to you and offer a solution 🙂
In the meantime, if you’re looking for some clarity on parents and the stuff they do, pass on, etc, and you haven’t read any of her work, I also found Alice Miller to be insightful. The first book I read of hers was – The Drama of the Gifted Child. You can check her work out on this website – https://www.alice-miller.com/en/the-drama-of-the-gifted-child/
Dear fellow Bear: I’d seen you before here and there but never actually got to your blog until now. It is like walking either in from the cold or the heat into comfort reading you. Thank you!!!!!!! and thank you from my blog, too. I suppose an aspect of our Various Factory Settings is an acute sense of being alone in a moving fox hole full of broken glass…it is wonderful to dispel that illusion. Keep on…..
Thank you very much, Boozilla 😀
That’s a wonderfully poetic way of expressing it!
I enjoyed reading visiting your blog and reading you, lovely shifts from experience to experience, past/present, like a human kaleidoscope – beautiful!
I’ve seen you around too, and like you I go with the flow and see where I end up 🙂
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Ursla, if i could please bother you so you could speak to me lol… I would like to ask you for some advice… I believe you are someone who would understand me. Please email me for privacy is something i cherish… More than ever because of my current situation…
Hi Shi 🙂
I’ve edited your comment and removed the email info, to keep it private.
I do understand your desire to cherish your privacy, I think it is very wise of you, especially online and on a blog which is public like mine.
I’m sorry but I don’t do email with my blog, but if you give me a rough idea of the situation keeping the private parts and anything too personal out, I may be able to offer some advice or point you in the direction of someone else who may be a better source of advice and information to help you help yourself, and who may offer email interaction.
Take good care of yourself, always do what is best and right for you.
I also have Lilith in the 10th and my Pluto conjuncts my Ascendant, so I enjoyed your blog on Lilith.
Thank you very much, Carrie 🙂
I stumbled upon your website and was especially intrigued regarding your posts about astrology and your analysis of the most influential placements in your chart .We must be born within a few weeks of each other, as I am also a Virgo ascendent with Pluto conjunct the ascendent and Uranus and Jupiter in the first house and Chiron in the 7th house.
To say that the last decade plus since the great recession hell has been challenging would be an understatement. I also have zero family connections, as I have a narcissistic, rageful, chaotic yet brilliant parent (father) who I am not in contact with, and a mother who was severely depressed and had had a terribly abusive life and ended up suiciding. I have ongoing difficulty with trying to connect to people and being a supportive and loyal friend and partner (Capricorn in Venus) and yet always being let down, abandoned and disappointed. Except for my oldest friends, I have checked out of personal relationships, they are just too painful.
I thought I would connect with you in order to share this and further reflect on how bizarrely accurate a personal natal chart is. I will look forward to reading more of your reflections on this topic. Cheers.
…Also, I have Lilith in the 10th House a few degrees from conjuncting my moon, but opposed my Sun…more fun as a full moon baby to top it off!
Hi Rose, thank you very much for sharing 🙂
My almost astro-twin is Marilyn Manson, he’s born a couple of days before me.
Funnily enough the other day I was thinking about doing a call out in a post to people with similar natal charts to share experiences, but then I decided not to since when I ask people to do things, to join in with something, they tend to run for cover – having Pluto and Uranus (with Uranus boosted by Jupiter) in the 1st tends to make us quite intimidating for others.
One of the things I like about astrology is how it helps to explain personal puzzles, particularly the ones of the – Why does this keep happening to me – kind.
Virgo Asc tends to make us think we’re reserved in our approach, keeping the intensity of Pluto and the rebellious radical energy of Uranus in check so as not to disturb others, but the energy of the Outer planets is so strong it leaks out of us like radiation waves. So while we think we look like Bruce Wayne, everyone else is seeing Batman or The Joker. Lilith in the 10th as our “social status” can make us appear more like a villain to others, or at least someone dangerous who is best kept at a safe distance.
Chiron in the 7th makes it sometimes difficult for us to see how we affect others, and tends to focus our attention on how they’re affecting us, and the focus tends to be on what’s painful, what hurts. Chiron in the 7th is what makes personal relationships painful – that’s where the wounding is. However Chiron in the 7th also contains the solution to the problem because the wounding also contains the healing for the wound. Where it hurts for you is also where it hurts for others, how you react to the pain is also how others react to it.
For instance – When we feel hurt by others we tend to pull away, our pulling away is experienced as rejection by others, they feel hurt by that so they pull away which we experience as rejection, so we pull away more. Or we lash out in pain, which causes pain to them, so they lash out in pain, which causes pain to us. It goes back and forth, around and around – those with Chiron in the 7th have the ability to stop the cycle and turn it into a healing experience, but it takes patience with self and a lot of practice. Uranus and Pluto in the 1st give the ability to withstand great pressure and restructure/reinvent the self and the experience of the self, and they’re excellent partners to Chiron in the 7th once the opposition aspect is less of an either/or versus battle and more of a union of two halves of an equation with a sweet spot in the middle.
I’m still in practicing (aka mistake-making) mode – blogging has helped get a better perspective on it, as I write I see my own patterns play out. It’s also a good way to connect with people while keeping a certain detached distance. I think in some ways a chart like mine, and yours, requires a lot of alone time for ourselves and for others (our energy is intense for others), but we still want to connect. With blogging you can connect and be alone. Others can connect with you without feeling overwhelmed, and when they do feel overwhelmed they can take a time out from you without relationship issues rising up.
The last decade has had some uber tough transits, including a Chiron return for those of us with Pisces Chiron. Your Venus may be feeling under pressure from Pluto and Saturn transiting Capricorn. But there are always balancing placements in the natal chart and by transit, to help with the tough stuff. Lilith is transiting Pisces which is an interesting softer side to the dangerous feminine (I was just reading up on that on Ruby Slipper Astrology).
I’ve recently been looking at my Progressed chart, but I’m still at very novice level when it comes to reading it and understanding it, however it’s helpful to see that we’re not stuck in with our natal chart, the natal chart is a starting point, and the progressed shows how our story unfolds throughout life, where we’re at now.
I’ve also recently been enjoying reading the posts of Midara on Elsa Elsa, you might enjoy them too since you have a similar chart to mine 🙂
Ursula, this is Hope of “The story of a relationship with a narcissist: I Am Not Special”. You floated into my mind today, and I felt compelled to visit. I want to deeply thank you for our exchanges all those years ago, for your openness and wisdom, for your willingness to share your pain and for allowing me to share mine. Being here was a life raft for me, at a time when I could not have been more unmoored. An utterly brutal time in my life, made better by the kindness of strangers. I hope you are safe and well, friend from afar.
Just found and read The Zen of Narcissists: Lesson #4. The comments were closed on the individual entry, but I wanted to say thank you. You writing style is fantastic, and the content was spot on. Im sharing it everywhere. Thanks again! Youre helping me to heal!
Thank you very much, Derek 🙂
I have known your blog for quite some time. I can’t really remember how I came across it, nor what would get my attention or make me revisit from times to times.
I am currently recovering from an abusive relationship with a narcissist, which I only came to realize very recently. It is natural for me to attract such people because I had to put up with a narcissistic and abusive father, and support my suffering mother. 4th house Capricorn, I had – still have – to be the mature one around, the “rock” to support other members of my family.
The thing is, this relationship brought me to my knees. I got into therapy for the second time in my life – and thank God and my higher self for that, because I wouldn’t be able to make it out of this otherwise. But there is so much pain underneath, that, at this time, I need regular, daily support. Your blog and your posts provide this support and so much more, I just HAD to write and say thank you.
I really can’t thank you enough because each day is a struggle and just reading one of your posts made me feel so, SO much better about myself, I had to let you know. Thank you for sharing all this insight with the rest of us, God bless you, I don’t know what else to say.
Yeah, we have things in common, astrologically speaking. Chiron in the 7th (near the cusp of the 8th house), Pluto in the 1st, Lilith in the 10th… who knows, there could be more but I doesn’t matter so much, does it? And as Chiron is now transiting Aries (my Sun and Mars – ruler of the 7th – sign), these chirotic issues have come to the fore, hopefully to be resolved, or at least directly and consciously dealt with.
As we speak, Pluto is squaring my Sun by minute, Saturn is squaring it a few degrees off, all this heavy stuff happening in my 4th house, which, at least for me, also represents our innermost depths, our psyche. So it is no accident that, in this Mercury retro period, I found this treasure in your blog.
I am sending you my love and gratitude and appreciation, and hope and wish the best for you and your loved ones.
Hi Anthony, thank you very much for your message, means a lot to me and is very much appreciated 🙂
It sounds as though you’re going through a deconstruction period which will give way to a reconstruction period where you get to decide what you want to have as part of your self and your life.
Recently it struck me that Chiron in Aries is all about the ‘me’ and having ‘me-pathy’ (’empathy’ for the self) which is basically being considerate towards yourself. Something which children of narcissists tend to have to teach themselves to do because the narc parents train their children to redirect all of their consideration towards the narc parents/others away from themselves – we end up considering ourselves last, and never really getting around to considering ourselves at all because the narc parents and the other narcs we attract want us to believe that considering ourselves is a sin and the virtue is focusing all of our consideration onto them and their nonsense.
But the thing is without us pouring all of our energy into the narc – the narc is nothing really. They appear to be powerful but the power they have – that’s our power which we’ve given to them and think that they have. What happens if we don’t give it to them?
I’m familiar with the experience of being brought to your knees – it’s an extremely uncomfortable feeling, very raw, makes you feel all your vulnerabilities very sharply, however in some ways they’re rather awesome moments in life once the horror of it happening doesn’t seem as horrifying as it feels at the time it hits.
Times like this are about feeling the pain which you have kept bottled up, hidden under the rock that you are, and letting it course through and out of you – it’s weird sometimes because that pain sort of becomes a friend and one which is hard to let go of. Listen to the story of your pain and the wisdom it has to impart to you about you.
You get to come face to face with just how deeply your inner strength runs like an internal source of power which we only get to witness when the surface gets ripped away and apart. It’s like walking around without skin, but the skin eventually grows back and grows back stronger.
Pluto in the 1st = regular deaths of self followed by a period of intense uncertainty which then gives way to a rebirth with greater personal power at your disposition. The personal power is in large part the conscious awareness of just how amazing your ability to recover from the chaos life throws at you.
Saturn aspecting Sun either through natal or transit is a tough learning curve, via transit it’s worse before and during, but as it moves away you get these wonderful aha moments of self-awareness, which is rather useful especially if you have narcissists in your life. You end up getting rid of what you don’t need, what doesn’t serve you or work for you which before you may have thought was vital. Hurts like hell and then… later on you wonder why you thought you needed all those things you had to give up. It simplifies what you need to be yourself – really all you need is you, and to give yourself the freedom to be you as you are.
Take good care of yourself, best wishes on your self-regeneration. You got this, you’re strong!
Thank you very much again ❤
Hello Ursula, I have found you and I am very glad. I have been looking at CHIRON in the 7th House and read your post. I have a very close male friend and we deeply care about each other and our connection has brought about some healing – both ways – which we have recognised. We can’t be together (both in our 40s already with our own partners and families) and that is a source of such suffering for us because we believed to have found something rare and beautiful and something with the potential to heal and fulfil. I have looked at his chart and it is full of difficult aspects including CHIRON in the 7th House. I can sense his wounds and an amount of self-sabotage and being lost and not feeling he deserves love or even receiving it, yet with me he opened enough to receive some, which he had never done with anyone before. And he loves, he loves me so beautifully with love I’ve never felt before. He is amazing in his giving. And I don’t want to give up in him. When I see him he stands there soul open to me and I have so much love to give, yet we cannot live that love in the way we wish to. Anyway, I don’t really know where I am going with this, except I am trying to find a way to understand him and that maybe I will never be able to help him reach a place I so wish he could find. How do I do this? Will his wounds always be there? How can I be the right friend to him? I guess I am asking you – how do you wish your friends to be with you. To stay? To not retreat? To keep showing love no matter what? To remain despite feeling my love is not being taken in? Bekka X X