Talking about Narcissists… and Woundology

[Please note: This is a repost of a post published in June 2014. I chose to repost this because it sort of goes with the previous repost - When Narcissists Claim to be Victims of Narcissists – Who is the Narcissist?. When I wrote this post, and the previous one, I was going through an... Continue Reading →

The Awful Truth… take what you need

Sitting there so solemnly, A lady full of grace, In the Louvre gallery, With a smile upon  her face. I wonder what she's thinking, As she looks out at the crowd, Some people think she's winking, Others think she's proud.   . When I was about 9yrs old, my English teacher set us a task... Continue Reading →

How Does the Whole Fulfill through Me… She Asked

. "And when, as is often the case, the misty discussion of 'Rosicrucians' and their history becomes involved with the masonic myths, the enquirer feels that he is sinking helplessly into a bottomless bog.” ― Frances A. Yates . How Does the Whole Fulfill through Me? This is the flip side of yesterday’s question -... Continue Reading →

The Two Opposite Sides of Knowing About Narcissism

This is a wonderful post from a deeply introspective blogger, who shares themselves on their beautifully insightful blog.
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If you’ve ever been involved in a relationship with a narcissist or someone you thought could, maybe, perhaps have narcissistic personality disorder… but you hope that they don’t, that what you think is somehow just you and not them… then please read this, and the other posts on this blog.
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It is rare to get a male perspective of a female narcissist… This perspective is more than that, it is rich with heartfelt personal experience, empathy, and a need to understand.
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Thank you for sharing!

apensiveheart's Blog

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In my continuing evaluation of where my life was, is, and appears to be going, I have discovered there are certain things that I know now that I sometimes wish that I didn’t.  While I wish that I didn’t know them, I also understand that ultimately they are going to benefit me.  Are you confused enough yet?  To be more to the point, I often wish that I didn’t know anything about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).  Why?  Let me explain.

My narcissistic wife (and now ex) moved out of our home 9 months ago.  This was in addition to us dating back in 1999, when she abruptly left me, dating again in 2001, when she again abruptly left me, and then getting together again in 2006 and ultimately getting married in 2009.  She also moved out without warning in November, 2013 only to return in late January, 2014, with the final move out occurring…

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A Post for The Invisible Daughter

. . “You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, or who had ever been alive.” ―... Continue Reading →

WANTED – Adult Children of Narcissists for a survey

. PLEASE NOTE - This survey has been re-opened and is available throughout the month of June 2015 for those wanting to participate in it. You can find it here - Parental Communication Measurement Study . What do you tell other people about your childhood? Do you edit it, rewrite it, make it sound normal... Continue Reading →

A Must Read on NPD: Narcissism – Living without Feelings

Please feel free to skip my blah blah and go straight to the article which inspired this post and which I highly recommend as a 'Must Read' if you've been affected by Narcissism, Narcissists, NPD, in any way. That includes if you think that you may be a narcissist, have NPD (this article will not... Continue Reading →

I Think This Belongs To You

In celebration of this time of year, when a certain event happens which prompts a review of this and that, with trepidation I ventured into my blog archives and ended up on this piece which I wrote in 2013.
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At that time a lot had been stirred up, the past had circled around and made itself the present, and I did then what I always do (at least in the always of now) I wrote my thoughts out to see what emerged, and if it might help me to figure things out.
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It did then, in a way, and it has done now, in a way.
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Revisiting my old posts is not something I do as often as perhaps I should. I keep urging myself to tidy up my blog a bit, but I never do because I prefer to just keep going forwards, evolving this way and that. Sometimes though… a going backwards can assist with going forwards.

An Upturned Soul

From the moment we are born, not our actual physical birth, but the moment our existence enters the conscious mind of others, the moment our birth mother realises that she is pregnant and our birth father realises that his sperm has created a being, people start giving us gifts.

Those gifts are a part of themselves, not a part of us, yet they become a part of us. We absorb them. Our growing self is nurtured as much by the thoughts and feelings of the world outside the womb as it is by the nutrients fed to us inside the womb by the umbilical cord.

If those gifts are positive they give us light. We feel welcome on Earth, safe, loved, wanted, good, and we look forward to being born. If those gifts are negative they give us darkness. We feel frightened, unsafe, unwanted, unloved, bad, and we dread the…

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What is the best Revenge against a Narcissist?

image by Daniel Clarke . . What is the best revenge against a narcissist? This question is a search term which someone used online which brought them to my blog. Whether they found what they were looking for or not, I don’t know. And I don’t know what the best revenge against a narcissist is.... Continue Reading →

What Haunts You?

. . Every now and then a loud groan, a heavy sigh or an exclamation of exasperation will escape my lips. Which is fine as long as I am alone, but when this happens in the company of others… it can be quite awkward. They might take it personally, and once someone takes something personally,... Continue Reading →

Finding Your Inner Narcissist

All or Nothing? . . We need narcissism. It is a natural part of the human psyche. It helps to develop our ego. We need the ego too. It too is a natural part of the human psyche. Narcissism and ego are good for us, for our development, our evolution. They help us to define... Continue Reading →

Letting go, Moving on, and Getting over it

For Halloween I was going to write a post about my hatred of zombies. This is what I wrote thus far: . Why I Hate The Walking Dead (this was the draft’s title) Hate is probably too strong a word to describe how I feel about a fictional TV series… however it describes the irrational... Continue Reading →

What a Narcissist Needs… Self-Acceptance is both the Problem and the Solution

. . “When you accept yourself and all your flaws, you don’t particularly need to focus on self-esteem per se. You focus, instead, on being as good as possible at what you actually do. You may have a positive sense of self, but you don’t blow your sense of self-importance up out of proportion.  If... Continue Reading →

I Never Talk About Sex…

Every now and then someone makes a remark… people make remarks all the time. It’s a basic of talking… that remark, however the person meant it, hits a soft spot within you and takes on a layer of meaning which is very personal to you.
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What happens next…
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Depends on the remark and the soft spot it hit.
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That remark can turn a casual conversation into an argument. The person who made the remark becomes a target for what pours out of our soft spot, and what we say to them can in turn hit their soft spot and we become a target of their soft spot outpourings.
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Things can go other ways too…
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Soft spots… we’re very sensitive about them. And with good reason. It’s the place where we have much to learn, and through learning we also teach…
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This is a post I did about someone’s teaching which helped me to learn more about my own soft spots.
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An Upturned Soul

Barbara Brennan Energy chart

Energetic Defense Systems chart by Barbara Ann Brennan

I also often do what I say I never do. In fact, when I hear myself say the word ‘never’, I know that soon enough I’m going to do whatever it is the never was referring to. It acts like a curse, or a signal.

I usually don’t talk about sex because like religion and politics, it is connected to personal beliefs, and it is a minefield of arguments. Debate flies out the window and is replaced by dogma. Since beliefs get strengthened when more people agree with it, what may be an illusion becomes more tangible and real as more people pour their energy into making a dream a reality, people tend to batter you with their beliefs until you agree with them rather than accept that there are alternate realities coexisting in one place. That I can believe one thing…

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Why Is No Contact So Difficult?

Great Post!
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Great blog for those who’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist… and really even if you haven’t been in a relationship with a narcissist, society (especially society in media) can be narcissistic or experienced that way, and these tips, ideas and ‘mind hacks’ are useful in life in general.
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Awareness is key… the key to ourselves and our well being.
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The most important relationship in your life is the one which you have with yourself.
Nurture that relationship… nurture yourself!
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Thank you for sharing!.
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Brilliant blog, from a talented blogger and beautiful soul!

After Narcissistic Abuse

One of the hardest things about narcissistic abuse and going no contact, is getting to that point in time where we cross the line from WANTING the narcissist to love us & being devastated by the feelings that they don’t, along with everything that means to us and ACCEPTING that they are entirely and forever incapable of it.

Whether or not we loved ourselves before we met a narcissist, is irrelevant. The fact is, we were sold on the idea that a narcissist did love us in a grandiose narc fashion, then they went about the business of abusing us. In that abuse, they also relentlessly verbally berated us, insidiously blamed us over and over again, sending us the message that somehow the abuse was our fault and that we were not worthy of anything more. 

By the time we wise up and decide to put them behind us, the…

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The Golden Child

A well thought out and thoughtful post! . Please read it carefully, especially if you relate to the scapegoat role assigned to you by your narcissist parent, before you react. The subject of being a child of a narcissist (ACoN) can trigger our pain and we need to pause before reacting to make sure we... Continue Reading →

Being a Child of Narcissists – what we need to give to ourselves

This post is written by MM. It is a comment which was made recently on my post - Being a Child of Narcissists - Breaking the Silence - and when I read it, I found it to be so inspiring, the thought and feeling expressed to be so powerful, that I asked MM if I... Continue Reading →

Mrs. Fix-it to the rescue

    One of my mother’s longest running stories about herself is that she is a Mrs. Fix-it, which includes being a martyr and saviour in its list of traits. Identity defining stories like that need a companion tale running alongside it to bolster it. Like a runner training for a marathon with their coach,... Continue Reading →

Oh, dear, not another post about forgiveness! #sociopath #abuse #recovery

Brilliant post! And very worth reading if you are struggling with the concept of forgiveness.

This issue comes up a lot when trying to recover from a traumatic relationship. Especially when other people weigh in on our story.

I discussed this in a reply to a recent comment on one of my posts – Forgive and Forget and F*** Yourself Over and Over Again – and in my reply I said this:

“Forgiving a narcissist is more about forgiving ourselves for having loved them and allowed ourselves to get caught up in their reality. For having been fooled by them and for having denied our own truth to support their version of it. So we really need to focus on cutting ourselves some slack, being gentle with ourselves, being compassionate towards ourselves. Forgiving ourselves.

They don’t really need our forgiveness, they’ll just waste it if we give it to them, use it against us, but we do need it. But as always we get caught up in what they need and forget our own needs, and that festers.

Other people (interfering) tell us to forgive them, but what do they mean by that? If this had happened to them, would they forgive as easily as they expect us to do so? Most people tell us to forgive people like narcissists because 1) they don’t want to hear about our problems anymore, they want us to shut up. 2) It sounds like the sort of thing a ‘good’ person would say and they see themselves as being a ‘good’ person. 3) They can’t think of anything else to say. 4) They feel superior when they say it, and they’re fairly certain that nothing like this would ever happen to them. 5) they’ve never been in a relationship with a narcissist, don’t understand the situation and think (as perhaps we used to) that all people are good and sometimes do bad things, and thus should be forgiven and given another chance, or at least a chance to make amends. There are other reasons, I’m sure.”

As I see it, the only person to whom you owe forgiveness is yourself. Everyone else can take care of themselves. If someone is pressuring you to forgive someone else before you are ready or willing to do so – ask yourself why they need you to do something which you are not ready or willing to do. What is their vested interest? And if you do what they want you to do, perhaps to win their approval or because you feel you should, who has to deal with the consequences of that – them or you?

Take care of yourself, look after yourself, focus on what you need to do for yourself.

Thank you for sharing this, Paula. Great post from an inspiring soul!

Love—Life—OM

From my experience with my recovery and communicating with others about their recovery, it’s clear that we all have very different interpretations of what it means to forgive. Depending on many factors such as our religious beliefs, spirituality, and life experiences, we put various degrees of importance on forgiving our tormentor(s) and even define “forgiveness” to suit our plan. The beauty of this community is that we respect each other’s interpretations and give each other room to grow and recover unrestricted and at a pace and with the tools that work best.

Unfortunately, it’s the folks who have not experienced the extreme effects of emotional, spiritual, physical, and financial abuse who seem to have the most criticism of how we choose to heal and move forward. I think many on the outside of sociopath/narcissist abuse fool themselves and judge many survivors with regards to forgiveness. These seemingly, well-meaning folks insist that we must forgive, according…

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Stuck in a Rut

I wrote this a while ago... I was going to write something new for today, something similar to this, but then my mind reminded me that I had already been there and done that so why not just use the words I had already expressed to say what I was going to say. This theme... Continue Reading →

Talking about Narcissists… and Woundology

  When I first started blogging about my experience of Narcissists, I was hesitant in what I said. There were many reasons for my hesitancy, all of which were part of my personal wound. The major one being that I had spent so long trapped in silence that I wasn't sure if I could speak... Continue Reading →

Surviving the Narcissistic Parent: ACoNs (Adult Children of Narcissists)

A superb account of what it is like to be the child of a narcissistic mother, which also applies to a narcissistic father.

We need to inform ourselves – whether we are ACoNs (Adult Children of Narcissists), their partners, spouses, friends or otherwise, or whether we are in a relationship with a narcissist, have children with them, or are affected by them in any other way.

The more we understand them and how they affect us, the more we can understand how to heal, undo what they have done, find a way to be free from their programming, training, influence and control.

By finding out what is ‘wrong’ we can find out what is ‘right’, with us, with others.

By sharing we help ourselves and we help others help themselves too.

Thank you for sharing.

The Invisible Scar

narcissistic-mothers-smApril is Child Abuse Awareness and Prevention month. At The Invisible Scar, we are focusing on emotional child abuse, such as the various types, how to help emotionally abused children,  resources for healing, adult survivors of emotional child abuse, and the special case of narcissism.

Adult children of narcissistic parents (ACoNs) know a special type of emotional abuse in being raised by narcissists. (Biological mothers, stepmothers, biological fathers, and stepfathers can be N parents.) 

Before we discuss the special case of narcissism, please note that not every emotionally abusive parent has the narcissistic personality disorder. In some circumstances, an emotionally abusive parent who is not a narcissist can change and improve his or her parenting.  The same is not true for the narcissistic parent, however. Every narcissistic parent is an emotional abuser.

A narcissist is a person who has the narcissistic personality disorder.

Narcissistic personality disorder is one…

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Just a Little Lunar Essence 11 April 2014: Resisting Healing

A wonderful post by a deeply insightful astrologer and human being. How often do we resist our own healing because by letting go of our wounds we wonder if we are losing something vital to our identity. Thank you for sharing.

We are most Afraid of Others doing to Us what we do to Them

What would you say is the most constant fear which you have in relationships? It’s not necessarily the greatest fear, the one shouting the loudest in your mind, sometimes it is the quietest one because it knows that a whisper penetrates much further than a shout. It’s a drip drip drip that works its way... Continue Reading →

Guidelines For Commenting on my Blog Posts

The other day I deleted a comment from a regular commenter. This commenter is usually respectful, insightful and gives good comment. I do not have a problem with them, I had a problem with that particular comment and the context of it. First it was directed at another commenter, and I am protective of those... Continue Reading →

Who is the Narcissist? – This is a rant

. I get very passionate about certain things and the passion takes over. One of the things which sets my passion off is when victims of Narcissists victimise other victims of Narcissists not intentionally but through misunderstanding. Which in some ways makes it worse. It’s that road to hell paved with good intentions. If I... Continue Reading →

The Cigarette Break – Day Two – Looking Backwards to Go Forwards

Scale of Life by visio-art (Aleksei Kostjuk) It’s one of those days when the weather is unsure of itself. Is it overcast with a chance of rain or overcast with a chance of Sun? Yet again the weather reflects how I feel or vice versa. I am partially unsure of my mood, overall there is... Continue Reading →

The Absent Father and The Devouring Mother

The title of this post comes from the first two chapters of the book - Going Mad to Stay Sane: The Psychology of Self-Destructive Behaviour by Andy White , and the author has a blog - Andy White – Narcissism and The Fruits of Suffering. It is one of my favourite books as it explained... Continue Reading →

The Zen of Narcissists: Lesson #5 – The Male Narcissist… The Saviour of the World has Arrived!

You are the ideal man. That’s all you need to know and I’m not going to write anymore about you. Of course I’m kidding! There is so much to tell you about yourself that I may have to devote an entire blog to it for the next several hundred years. Since you’re immortal that sort... Continue Reading →

A Blessing in Disguise… of a Curse!

I shared this Chinese allegory with a friend in a comment on one of my posts, and I thought I'd share it as a post, because this tale made all the difference to my thinking at a time when I really needed it. I was one of those people who came to suspect that somehow... Continue Reading →

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