CHARM IS MAgic – but what kind of magic is it?

“Charisma is the numinous aura around a… …personality. It flows outward from a simplicity or unity of being and a composure and controlled vitality. There is gracious accommodation, yet commanding impersonality. Charisma is the radiance produced by the interaction of male and female elements in a gifted personality. The charismatic woman has a masculine force and severity. The charismatic man has an entrancing female beauty. Both are hot and cold, glowing with presexual self love.” ― Camille Paglia (please note – I removed one word from this quote because of what that word conjures up these days in people’s minds – scroll to the end of this post for the complete quote).

This post is inspired by Don Charisma and his post – Do Women like Charisma? – wherein he asked his readers to interpret the question however they pleased and reply in whatever way the chose… yet be respectful while doing so.

Do Women like Charisma?

When I saw the question my instant reply was – Doesn’t everyone like charisma, regardless of whether they are male or female. In fact charisma is one of those kinds of magic which transcends gender. A charismatic man or woman will charm both males and females equally, although perhaps a little differently.

But then I noticed that the word Charisma had a capital ‘C’ and the question became a flirtatious invitation from a male blogger to his female readers to let him know whether they find him charming, whether they like him. The post itself is charisma personified. It was charming, with a dash of confidence like a wide and warm smile, a pinch of humour like a cheeky wink, a hint of danger, alluring yet non-threatening, like a mesmerising eyes which sparkle with friendliness.

So, do women like Don Charisma?

Check out his post and read the comments. Beware he is very charismatic and knows how to use it and you will enjoy it. His charisma is white magic.


Do women like charisma – the special magnetic appeal, charm, power of an individual?

Yes. So do men.

But why do we like charisma?

The white magic side of charisma is our favourite kind. Because it makes us feel good, transported out of the ordinary into a moment of fantasy.

More than that… charisma is a noun which works like a verb, it is a doing word, an action which requires audience participation.

Someone who is charismatic is expressing themselves outside of themselves, their magic is all around them, they share it generously, and when we enter their aura, when they enter our conscious awareness, they draw us in with a warm embrace and ask us to play with them, to play a wonderful game where we become as charismatic as they are. We feel uplifted and beautiful.

Marilyn Monroe described how charisma worked in a very clear way. The story was related by a friend of hers who was walking along a busy street with MM one day and was surprised that no one noticed that a celebrity of iconic status was amongst them. The friend asked MM why this was so, and MM replied by saying that people only noticed her when she turned “Marilyn’ on. The friend of course needed proof, so MM obliged. She turned Marilyn Monroe ‘on’ and the friend said it was as though a spotlight switched on and focused the light on MM. Suddenly the people in the street who had been oblivious to her presence saw her and flocked around her in awe that she was there, having magically appeared like a genii emerging from a bottle offering them the chance to have their three wishes granted.

Why was Marilyn Monroe so captivating and enchanting? Partly because she embraced us in smiles, in fantasy, and invited us to play with her, and we did and still do. By admiring her, we feel admired, it may be subtle but it’s there. She makes us feel as special as she was, perhaps even more so because for a moment she sees us and only us. A private audience, a sublime secret shared.

Marilyn Monroe

Marilyn Monroe (If you know which photographer took this photo, could you please let me know in the comments)

As I was writing this the telephone rang. When I answered, a voice – which it took me a few seconds to decide whether it was a robot or human voice – told me that they were calling about my internet connection and computer, then added – how are you today?

I did not answer the question, it was thrown in as a distraction tactic and an afterthought, asked as though someone was following a set of instructions on a piece of paper in front of them and doing it rather badly because I knew immediately that they did not give a damn how I was or about me at all. I was a thing to them and not a nice thing. They wanted something from this thing, and they hated the thing for having that kind of power over them.

Instead I asked them to be more precise with regards to what the call was about – internet connection and computer was too vague and made me suspicious… made me more suspicious.

They did not answer my question but told me that they wanted to talk to the person in charge of the internet connection and computer. Like an alien demanding to be taken to my leader. What makes you think I’m not the leader? If I am you’ve just insulted me, and everything you have to say after that will be treated with the same contempt which you have for me. You started this mess you’re making and I’m going to tidy it up for you, am I?

At this point this person met the brick wall that is – you’re calling me, I’m in charge of the conversation not you so don’t tell me what to do. Tell me exactly who you are and precisely why you are calling.

If a complete stranger knocks at your door, and you decide to open it… are you just going to invite them in and let them take over your home?

I asked them again what the call was about and I added – Is this a sales call? As I was just finishing off the ‘L’ sound of ‘call’ I heard the phone go dead in my ear. The caller had abruptly hung up. Confirming what I thought when I first heard their voice – it was a cold call.


Funny Sales Cartoons on Contact Center Sales

Cold calls lack charisma and that is partly why we hate them. If cold callers were charming we might play along just for fun, we might even fall under their spell, fall for their con, give them all our personal details and buy whatever they are selling. However they are usually bossy, rude and trying to gain control and authority over us in a completely uncharismatic manner which comes across as offensive. They also give us the distinct impression that they hate us, we’re an enemy, an inferior, that needs defeating by their superiority.

The people who coach cold callers seem to have no concept of how to win friends and influence people… at least not influence them in a positive way. Almost the second we know that the call we have just halted our lives to answer is a cold sales call, every atom in our being gets annoyed, and their superior and abrasive attitude of being completely oblivious to the fact that they’ve intruded and trespassed into our lives, that we should be grateful they’ve called us and do what they want, listen to their monologue like a good little inferior idiot puts us on the very aggressive defensive.
Do they not realise that a telephone call requires two people to participate in it, and that the chain of command is – the one who is being called is in charge and the one calling is required to give respect? Hello!?!

Dealing with a-holes schedule

“Charisma is the numinous aura around a narcissistic personality. It flows outward from a simplicity or unity of being and a composure and controlled vitality. There is gracious accommodation, yet commanding impersonality. Charisma is the radiance produced by the interaction of male and female elements in a gifted personality. The charismatic woman has a masculine force and severity. The charismatic man has an entrancing female beauty. Both are hot and cold, glowing with presexual self love.” ― Camille Paglia

Why are people attracted to narcissists? Because they are very charismatic… when you first meet them. They make you feel seen, special, and they suck you into a world of fantasy where you have a starring role… you are the star, the hero or heroin, the most beautiful, amazing, inspiring being in the whole universe.

But charisma has an off switch.

Spells fade…

CHARM IS MAgic, but what kind of magic is it…
Is it white magic or black magic?

Depends on the person wielding the magic of charisma… and the person upon whom the spell is being cast. It’s an energy which flows both ways.

Audrey Hepburn


    • Beauty is most definitely in the eye of the beholder, and the most important beholder of beauty for each of us is ourselves. The world we see, including ourselves, is seen through us and what consider it to be is in many ways a reflection of us.

      So, do you think you’re beautiful?


  1. My ex-narcissistic is charismatic – could really turn it on when he wanted to. But like everything else with him, there was “no there there” when he didn’t have an audience (I think it was Gloria Steinem who first said that). Excellent post! 🙂


    • Thank you 🙂

      I think one of the reasons Narcissists are so charismatic is because they awaken our own charisma and we think ours is theirs too, we give them credit for what belongs to us. We project our own beauty, talent, character, and many other traits onto them thinking they belong to them, because this is what they desire, to be like us and they enjoy being our projections. The spell always fades and then we see who they are. When we see who they are we often get caught up in our disillusionment and forget what they inspired within us because it becomes tainted by what comes after. But the truth is the charismatic person we met when the narcissist entered our life… is us and not them. They are muses awakening our inner beauty.


      • Why should we feel stupid for believing our own dreams? Why should they NOT be believed, regardless of what anyone else is doing? Is it because we think they are laughing at us?

        It seems like a really ‘good’ thing to sell people their own dreams. Is the reason we think narcissists are ‘bad’ is just because they don’t stay around to do all the work for us?

        Maybe you are saying a ‘narcissist’ is just a lost person, who is good at pretending to be who other people want them to be in order to try to distract them from their own personal wounds. And then we get mad because we find out that they are themselves (which we didn’t bother to notice) and not the person who is going to fix everything for us like we thought.

        but then who is the narcissist now

        what do you call a not-lost person who indulges in magical thinking and selling people their own dreams? Or is there no such thing as a not-lost person?


        • Those are very good questions. They’re the sort of questions which prompt self-reflection, which prompts journeys into our own psyche and our psyche often answers questions with more questions leading us on a further exploration of what lies within, what influences us, what motivates us.

          This bit stood out the most for me – but then who is the narcissist now – because it is something I’ve been exploring with myself. At the moment I’m trying to figure out why I am drawn to narcissists – because as much as I seem to attract them, I am also attracted to them. So that’s from where my words came. I’m exploring the dynamic. I don’t want to get stuck in anger at narcissists.

          I’m seeking to understand narcissists and their perspective and the part they play in my life and the part I play in their life and in the interaction.

          I’ve heard more than one narcissist say that they feel as though no one sees them for who they truly are, and thus no one loves them the way they want to be loved. They are chasing the kind of love which is unconditional, all-embracing and all-consuming. They want an ideal kind of love, the kind they yearned for as a child. A magical kind of love which makes everything better. As children those who should have loved them didn’t love them for who they were, they were given small doses of very conditional love, the kind which told them that who they were was unacceptable and they had to become who the other person wanted them to be – but when they become who they were expected to be, they still were not loved because they were never quite good enough an actor to win the love of their audience. They repeat this story over and aver again, still frustrated and stuck in anger.

          Narcissists desperately want and need to be loved so they tap into our dreams of the ideal person, they become our dream ideal for us, pretend to be that person for us so we’ll love them. And we think their pretense is the real them because we don’t really understand why anyone would pretend to be someone they are not (at least not to that extent) and we fall in love with them for it and don’t look deeper because we think this is who they are until we realise it is not who they are – but in some ways it is who they are because the pretending is a trait of theirs.

          Our accepting them as they present themselves to us is a very sore point for them and frustrates them immensely – this is why they are so contemptuous of us. They get frustrated at us because we don’t see through the pretense. And they are conflicted because they also love the pretense because the pretense is loved and they want so desperately to be loved. It is their fault but they tend to blame others for it. This blaming makes them feel powerless and out of control, which makes them fearful and anxious, and they lash out at us.

          Magical thinking is a human trait, it is at its most powerful when we are children, and it is natural and normal. It is in every aspect of human life. It is a talent which we all possess and use to make decisions – what to eat, drink, wear, where to live, go on holiday, career, studies, etc. What we do with it shapes the energy of it. Those who indulge in it to sell other people their own dreams are often artists, visionaries, entrepreneurs, inspiring souls who enrich our lives and remind us of the dreams we have and enjoy dreaming. Buying our own dreams reminds us how much we value them. And it can also be used to con us and steal from us. The government and politicians use it to ‘guide’ our vote and behaviour. Film and TV use it to entertain us. Fashion uses it to dress us and decorate our homes and lives.

          I think the good and/or the bad of being sold our own dreams depends on each individual sale. Bad experiences are just as valuable as good ones, sometimes a bad experience turns into a good one, and sometimes good experiences turn into bad ones. Good experiences which turn into bad ones are the ones I was thinking about, because the good part of it can get tarnished by the bad part of it. We focus on the bad and forget the good, and how good we felt and what it inspired, and this can prompt us to abandon a much loved dream – and that is when we feel stupid for believing our own dreams. But that does not mean that we are in any way stupid for believing our own dreams, it simply means we had an experience which we didn’t like at all. But the dream does not have to die, maybe it needs to evolve to include the new experience and information. Or maybe it’s just a test to see how much we believe in our dream.


  2. Excellent post. I love the white and black magic you put in here.
    The best sales people in the world are all very charismatic, but I might think, that many of them unfortunately use the black magic. They are so very narcissistic, but you may know them for at longer period to find out of their true soul, which is not so nice.
    Found you through Don, and you just godt a new follower. You write so very well, I’m looking forward to read more from you.


    • Thank you very much 😀

      We all have charisma… and the best sales people know that and use their charisma to awaken our charisma and they get us to sell whatever the product is to ourselves. They are selling our dreams to us and getting us to do all the work. That’s partly why it hurts so much when we get conned, because we conned ourselves.

      We are the best sales people when it comes to selling to us individually.

      Have you ever caught yourself in the middle of selling yourself something, and the sales person is just standing there, smiling and nodding and agreeing with you as you convince yourself you can’t live without something? It’s a strange experience.


      • Yes, I have tried that many years ago.
        Unfortately I met one man after some very critical years in my life, and his behavior was just, what I needed that time. It did cost me some years of my life, before I found out, how to break and find time for myself to live alone.


  3. ‘… a simplicity or unity of being and a composure and controlled vitality. There is gracious accommodation, yet commanding impersonality.’

    There in a nutshell. The two most charismatic peeps I’ve known are both Libras. I have observed their ability to mirror a person’s desire to be really seen and listened to. Of course, in private, they were more ‘normal’; like MM said, turn it on, turn it off. Libra, and Gemini, too. Air signs ‘seem’ to listen. Looks and charm: don’t we all want to be seen like that.

    But I think it is an even better description of the self-realized artist. The being totally here in the now with you, the audience, and ‘yet commanding impersonality’ which lets us dream we too may one day be self-realized. In music, I would think of live performances by peeps like Tom Waits, Annie Lennox, Amy Winehouse.


    • I knew a talented con artist who was a Libra, he always left his targets happy that they had met him and they rarely regretted the price they paid for it because they gained as much as they lost, perhaps gained more than they lost. He did like to share his talent rather openly and warned people that he was a con artist… so if they fell for his charm it was because they were willing to do so. And no, I wasn’t one of his targets, I didn’t have anything he wanted other than an ear to listen to his story, but I knew someone who was and I was astounded and curious about how much she still liked him, so I asked him about it.

      Geminis are very adaptable, and they often mimic the person they are with to better understand and interact with them – they are experts at communicating with others. They change shape very quickly to suit the person they are with. It’s fascinating to watch.

      I agree, live performances are stunning examples of charisma. Freddie Mercury talked about how important charisma is for a performer, how it connects the performer with his audience and creates a fusion of energies.

      And actors do it when they embody a role and we make their performance come alive when we watch it. It is a shared experience. Their charisma awakens ours and the two dance together. They’re just more aware of what is happening than we are, as we tend to think it is all them. Mind you they can sometimes think that too… which usually sets them up for a fall.

      All interactions are about flow of energy, energy which flows both ways 🙂


  4. Its interesting I only got to read this today but all the way through I was thinking “hang on” and feeling a bit queasy. I notice the word charm relates to magic and spells also it brought to mind the idea of trance. and being caught up in a vaporous illusion. In her book on Controlling People Patricia Evans talks about the “spellbound” those caught up in a world where they are loved so long as they are living up to the idea of what the CP or Narc wants them to be. Its easy to fall under a spell.. and it might take time for the spell to be broken. Spell breakers are able to move out of that dynamic by reclaiming their individual right to be and breaking the hold of the charm or spell. Anyway that was just some thoughts I was having in response to this..

    MM was a very Neptunian person (Sun square Neptune I think??) and that was shown by the incident you wrote about. The real person lay buried deep inside the image which she was able to project and use to manipulate the public and people around her. That image only thinly disguised her exquisite vulnerability and intelligence which was belied by the “blonde” type of persona she portrayed. I felt her in all that I have watched on her life as trying to become something in order to gain love from outside whether that be in the form of fame or attention. I guess the question would be that if you were portraying an image, and she obviously realised that she was, whether you would feel any kind of love from people who were responding to you as that image. She must have felt this deeply and possibly??? it added to her loneliness. I see so much sadness in her eyes in one of those photos. So much of her life seemed to be a quest for mirroring to heal or fill the void of Sun square Neptune. Charisma may hide much…..and I guess it makes you wonder.. What lies beneath the shinny surface?


    • You experienced the ‘black magic’ side of charisma. Charisma in and of itself is neutral, how we use it is not because humans aren’t neutral even when they pretend to be.

      Narcissists do have a lot of charisma which is why they are so attractive, but it’s not all about them. We aid and abet them because we seek to be spellbound. Love is steeped in the concept of magic and magic potions and being in a trance. Narcissists can’t actually cast a spell over us and keep us in their spell without our participation – that’s the part which hurts so much when we ‘snap’ out of the spell. That’s why the anger has such deep roots and why we get stuck in it. We hate ourselves as much as we hate them, and we hate them for making us hate ourselves so much because we betrayed ourselves to be with them. They sell us our dreams and we buy them. No one likes to feel that they have been a sucker, especially if they realise that they have fooled themselves. That’s where blame comes in and gets handed freely to others. Blame is usually shared equally but we prefer to give more of it away which actually dis-empowers us because if the fault belongs to someone else, then so does the solution… and so we’re still stuck waiting for someone else to do something which they have no intention of ever doing because they’re waiting for us to do something.

      It’s hard to know who MM really was as she is public property and now a permanent vessel for our projections. I think she knew what she was doing and it was part of who she was. The illusion of MM was MM as much as that which we didn’t see and which was only known by her.

      Everything about us is a part of us, including what we pretend to be. Our masks belong to us and are us as they are created by us for us, even if we think we’re creating them to please others. So someone who plays a part and perhaps deceives with that part… who thinks – this is not me… it is them as much as their version of their real self is.

      So the shiny surface is as real as what lies beneath, it’s just a different type of real.


  5. My family and friends say I am very charismatic. Sometimes I feel a lot of heat coming out of me.I can turn it off and on at will. It is strange but this also has an effect on animals and children. My wife also has charisma. We are both warm and open people. When we enter a room everyone comes to us. Both our parents had this magic. Can it be learned? No. It is spiritual and inherited.


  6. As a charming narcissist i can tell you that if you use it to manipulate others to serve you sexually it comes from a very dark place and invites very unholy spirits to dwell in you. If you continue to use your “abilities” to dominate and control others you will someday meet the most charming deciever in the universe… and he is not a nice guy in any way, shape or form. If you know what I am speaking of and am tired of the way you feel, depressed, angry, resentful, sadistic and alone… find christ and repent and find the unconditional love you wanted so bad as a child and be reborn in the glory of his everlasting sacrafice and redemption!!! Dont forget to make amends to those you have used and be sincere in your apologies, you have caused much pain and the victims deserve your spiritual restitution, whether they forgive you or not, you must confess with all your heart. GOOD luck 🙂


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