At some point… you’re not going to like me.
That’s what I always think when someone has recently met me, and is showing signs of having a friendly crush on me.
If I were to say that – at some point you’re not going to like me – to you while you’re caught up in seeing me as sugar and spice, and all things nice, you’d assure me that it could never happen.
I can assure you that it will happen, but you wouldn’t believe me, and you wouldn’t remember that I told you so later when you’ve decided that you don’t like me after all.
What happens after it happens, and it will happen, depends on whether you can handle your illusions about others being popped, your ideals being battered a bit by reality, your expectations for others being disappointed by others being themselves and not living only to live up to your expectations of them.
You may decide that I played you, that I was only pretending to be nice, that you were fooled by my persona and… no one likes to feel they’ve been fooled because everyone likes to think they’re a good judge of character.
If it’s any consolation to you while you’re reeling from the discovery that I’m human, therefore not as tidy as you’d like for me to be, prone to not sticking to the script you’ve given me, or playing the role you’ve assigned me for you… I wasn’t playing you, I wasn’t pretending to be nice, and I didn’t fool you. If anyone fooled you, it was you, but that’s harder to stomach than blaming someone else for what you did to yourself.
That last sentence in the previous paragraph is the sort of thing I say which will make you not like me.
I can explain this dynamic most efficiently using astrology, using my natal chart and the placements and aspects in it. It is more detailed, balanced, and precise (for me anyway) than personality types and psychological profiles which, in my opinion, often confuse matters by either over-simplifying the human psyche or over-complicating it.
Sometimes when I read psychological stuff… I just want to kill myself and start from scratch with this thing called my life (that’s also the sort of stuff I’m prone to blurting out which upsets other people).
This is my natal chart (with the transits of the moment in green on the periphery):
Here’s the astro bit about this dynamic:
The reason why some people often get a friendly crush on me when they first meet me is because I have Virgo rising.
Virgo gets a lot of shit for being critical and pedantic, however, your typical Virgo rising is actually a sweet and shy person who is more critical and pedantic towards themselves than they are towards others. They are very hard on themselves and make up for it by being soft towards others – you’re basically pleasurably benefiting from their self-inflicted pain. They’re nice to you because they’re mean to themselves, and they don’t want you to suffer like they do.
I know a lot of Virgo Suns – sweetest people ever. The bitchy ones are rare compared to the genuinely nice ones.
I’m a Capricorn Sun, so I’m never going to be sweet, but my Virgo rising sweetens and softens the edges of tough as old boots Cappy.
I also have Moon in Virgo, conjunct my Ascendant. I will always aim to be a pleasurable experience for you as I know the world can be a cruel place, that we can be exceedingly harsh to ourselves, and to others because we’re being hard on ourselves, and that to offer a haven in a storm is to have a moment of peace and gentleness. I like that too… and I give to others what I would like for others to give to me, or for me to give to myself, but I don’t expect others to give it (I expect the opposite)… I give it because I give to myself when I do that.
My Moon is in the 12th house of things which are hidden – I keep my emotions to myself, I don’t want to bother you with what I’m feeling, I’ll deal with that later in private as my emotions are my problem and responsibility and not yours, I prefer to focus on your emotional well-being. I’m not being selfless as your emotional well-being affects mine. If you’re a bundle of suppressed and repressed emotions, you’re a ticking time bomb which could potentially destroy my world, more so before you explode than when you finally do.
People tend to be worse when they’re holding themselves back and resenting you because they see you as the reason they have to do that, than when they unleash their inner hell. What is being hidden is often more devastating than what is out in the open.
With Moon in Virgo – my aim is to be of emotional service. How can I help you feel more emotionally stable, fulfilled, calm, and so on.
I have often been praised for my ability to weather the emotional storms of others without getting emotional myself, without taking it personally and turning things into Armageddon. Feel free to have a temper tantrum all over me, I’ll just patiently wait for the tornado to subside, you obviously need to get something out of your system. However, I won’t forget the incident, but I also won’t hold it against you, you’re being human… unless you decide to hold something similar against me. I am not above playing tit for tat if needs must, and needs must happens when you want slack cut for you but you don’t cut slack for others.
If you’re a regular hypocrite you will feel the wrath of my Mars in Scorpio. My Venus in Pisces, which is a kind placement, mitigates most of the sting of the inner scorpion… just don’t do what the quote below advises you not to do:
Moon conjunct Ascendant makes me prone to being a mirror reflecting the light which shines upon it, a mirror for those who gaze upon me, for you, for your light… and maybe your darkness too.
A mirror which will try to reflect the best of you back to you – you’re beautiful, your flaws and faults accentuate your beauty rather than diminish it, but… if you’re having problems with your own image, chances are, you’re going to have problems with me, with your image of me, because you’ll see in me what is in you and… you’ll hate me for that, for what you don’t want of yourself, and you may make me responsible for the parts of you that you’ve decided you don’t want.
I used to blame my natal Pluto in the 1st house for that.
The first house represent the self, identity, personality… and with natal Pluto there you’re most likely to be someone who other people either love or hate, hate to love or love to hate. And you may feel the same way about people.
My natal Pluto is retrograde (is backwards, turned inwards, introverted, self-reflective), which I consider quite lucky – I usually only hate myself and want to kill myself (homicidal tendencies are internalised), but thanks to Pluto I am equipped to survive that kind of self-destructive shit. I’m a natural born transformer. Phew! Thus far anyway…
Pluto is quite good at attracting and absorbing blame and that kind of thing, it doesn’t mind being a whipping boy, a scapegoat… it doesn’t care if you demote it from planet to something else… well, it does mind, but it understands that you can’t handle its weird energy, but it can handle it once it figures out how to do that (which can take awhile)… in fact it uses all of our collective and personal shit as fertiliser for transformation.
extract via Hermetic Light Life Coaching on Pluto
I also blamed my natal Chiron (conjunct the karma-geddon North Node) in the 7th house for that.
The 7th house is the realm of relationships with others. One on one… you versus me. Fight until K.O…. or work things out. Since Pisces is on the cusp, I’d rather make peace than war… however, Aries is also in that house… so if you want war, war it is! If this is Sparta… I’m prepared to be spartan about it!
Chiron is the wounded healer, who has to embrace the wound and the suffering which comes with it before any healing can occur, and even then… shit is painful and humans hate feeling pain, yet also love the ecstasy of being in agony.
We’re a conflicted bunch of randomly coalesced atoms.
I often attract people who are vulnerable wounded animals that plead for my help (Pisces) then aggressively bite me when I try to remove the thorn in their lion’s paw (Aries).
I can understand what’s going on with them even if it’s annoying, because… I’m not too keen on others messing with my pain-loving mojo either. I earned these wounds and scars… not sure if I want them to heal as… then what? Who am I without my pain?
When someone is trying to apply soothing balm to my wounds, I may scream – Rub salt in it, pour some freshly squeezed lemon juice on it!
We’re all a bunch of… complicated.
Astrology helps me to get to grips with my own complicated ass.
And recently it’s dawned on me that Lilith may have a lot to do with why people who at first love me… eventually can’t stand me (I realise other things could explain this too).
I’ve ignored Lilith for as long as I can, it’s just an asteroid what harm can that sort of thing do, right?
But right now transiting Lilith is straddling natal placements which are my – you can no longer ignore this – spot. My natal Uranus conjunct Jupiter, which also happen to trine my Mercury in Aquarius, which also happens to be my Dominant planet.
In non-astro gobbledygook terms… pay attention to this or pay attention to this!
Jupiter expands everything it touches, and Uranus is a weird mo-fo. Together they expand the fact that I’m a weird mo-fo, and they do it in both my identity and my personal values (they’re connected over the cusp of my 1st and 2nd houses), while also affecting my mind with their enhanced crazy.
With Lilith interfering… it’s basically a case of own that mythical bitch!
My natal Lilith is in the 10th house.
To be honest, this is a house I tend to ignore when working with my chart as it represents career, social status, and… I’ve always been a bit erratic about that kind of thing because my life has been erratic even when I’ve tried to conform to expected ‘norms’.
I haven’t planned my career path or social status as much as we’re in theory supposed to plan that type of thing (or as much as I wished I had done). I’ve given up trying to be in control of it because it tends to react with a destructive explosion or implosion when I attempt to do that.
I do better when being in a supportive role to others than when I try to play the lead and expect others to support me (My natal chart emphasises this even when I wish it wouldn’t do that). We’re not supposed to accept that kind of thing in these modern times… enter natal Lilith in the 10th house telling me – you’re going to go against the tide and the tide is going to hate, misunderstand, and possibly blacklist you for it.
extract via Lilith in the Houses by Tom Jacobs
Perhaps if I’d explored Lilith in my chart sooner… especially as my natal Lilith squares my natal Pluto (and natal Pluto trines my Sun)…
I’d have accepted that dynamic which happens so regularly in my life that I’ve finally had to get used to it whether I want to or not just to ease the impact of human chaos and bias and complications in relationships.
But then again… we’re only ready to learn something and work with it when we’re ready to do that.
Try to force yourself to do, learn, or accept something before you’re ready and… you’ll end up doing what always happens to me when I try to jump the gun – being eliminated from the human race for a while.
Listening to the sounds of universal silence while you’re in limbo… cue rather soothing music while you wait…
Retrospectively… all of this is kind of funny.
And that retrospective perspective adds humor to those times when the pattern repeats in the present. Which it does and will probably always keep doing.
Some things remain the same no matter how much we try to change them, perhaps because they’re about learning to accept what is rather than aim for what isn’t but what is hoped for.
Not all dreams are about making a dream come true, they’re more about the dream not coming true because life’s dream for you is seeing reality as it is and appreciating it as is.
Start where you are, accept where you are, who you are, maybe this is where you’re supposed to be even if you don’t want to be here, and maybe this is who you are meant to be even if you don’t want to be who you are.
At some point… you’re not going to like me.
And you may expect me to care that you don’t, just as you wanted me to care when you did like me.
I’m probably going to add to your frustration about me when it comes to caring that you don’t like me.
I sort of care… but mostly I don’t.
You’re free to do as you please in whatever realm of human you’re inhabiting. It’s not my job to control how you perceive, think or feel about me… feel free to be a hater, but be warned if what you want is to control me with that kind of thing… it’s a waste of your time and effort. Wouldn’t you rather use that to pleasure yourself than to try to inflict pain on me (unless, of course, it’s the same thing for you).
Sure, it hurts that you don’t like me, but I’m used to that kind of pain. It passes… like intestinal gas.
Take care of yourself, stop trying to make others take care of you… that messes all of us up and takes care of nothing.
Peace out… or whatever.