The Element of Heat
That was cold!
Well, it certainly felt that way.
But you knew it was coming, so you were prepared for the gust of icy dismissal.
Still, though, you’re never really ready to feel it even when you know it’s about to hit.
“All morning I struggled with the sensation of stray wisps of one world seeping through the cracks of another.”
― Diane Setterfield
The other day I was fired as a friend.
I was only a potential candidate for friendship, still in the acquaintance zone waiting to see if I’d made it to next round, the fairweather friend zone…
although usually I’m a bad-weather friend, the kind of person people only remember they know when they’ve fallen into a puddle and need a towel.
That’s my fault more than theirs.
We set the tone for our relationships… although we do sometimes let others do that and then go along with it because that tone works with our tune.
Or it doesn’t but we wish our song was one which did and not the one we suspect that it actually is.
I’m a hermit,
difficult to know even when you know me,
and to get me to socialise you usually have to bang on my door in an emergency… but it has to be the kind of emergency which I consider to be an actual emergency
(Don’t disturb me with NIMBY issues, especially if your back yard is a few miles away from mine and isn’t my back yard at all, and I don’t know you, but you do know I’m new to the area, you said as much, and the way you introduce yourself to me is aggressive,
come onto me with too much heat and I’ll turn to ice to protect myself from being scalded,
and that aggressive attitude is one you seem to have about everyone who isn’t approved by you… and you seem like the kind of person who doesn’t approve of anyone really
– this is how I met one of my neighbours. They banged on my door and demanded I object to a housing project which was upsetting them. I can empathise with their plight. But I can also see the side of things which they would rather I was blinkered about. This neighbour isn’t really a neighbour per se as they live a too far to walk even for a hike distance away, about the same distance between me and the local prison, or the local military training ground. Rural life has quite a few attractions which people don’t want in their back yard, housing for regular people doesn’t seem like such a problem when you look at it from behind barbed wire. Besides I haven’t been here long enough to feel that so settled solidarity that I don’t ever want to move, and I’m certainly not ready to piss off the local government about it or to stop others from being allowed to find a home here),
otherwise I’ll shut the door in your face.
But it’s honest.
No, that’s not honesty, that’s…
“People often claim to hunger for truth, but seldom like the taste when it’s served up.”
― George R.R. Martin
it’s similar to what the person who dismissed me as a friend did.
They were being honest about how they felt or didn’t feel towards me.
That can feel cold.
A door slamming in your face.
They dismissed me without dissing me. They did politely, and rather sweetly. It was a warm kind of cold. The door closed gently and made sure my foot wasn’t there trying to stop it from closing.
And I have to confess that I admired their style as they did it.
Since I saw it coming long before it arrived, I watched in slow motion each step of their delicate dance of nine veils of how to tell me they were no longer interested in knowing me.
I suppose I could have made things easier for them, but… I simply let it happen as it did, because I could have been wrong about my prediction of what was coming.
That wasn’t a doubt caused by hope, it was more just a buyer of your own paranoia beware…
I’ve done this sort of thing myself, been in this kind of predicament.
And I have to admit that I’m more prone to using the ‘ghosting’ method to get my point across to those whom I no longer want to know, because when I try being polite I end up giving the sort of mixed messages which confuse matters for everyone.
extract from Which Signs Are More Likely to Ghost You?
As I am a doer of this kind of thing, I’m aware that I’m creating the kind of karma which has a sting in its tail and I don’t need to reincarnate to get the benefit of that.
You should gird your loins in this lifetime for having what you do done to you too… that is sometimes why we do what we do in the first place.
And maybe learn from it.
But what you learn may not be what you think you should learn. Sometimes the traits you want to change aren’t ones that need changing, perhaps what should change is your attitude towards them, your perspective of what they’re really all about.
And I have to say that this (below) is a fairly accurate account of how I handle it most often when people ‘ghost’ me
extract from How Each Sign Handles Being Ghosted
although not quite…
If you don’t have time for me, I can usually figure out your reasons and they often make logical sense when viewed from your perspective rather than mine.
I had no further use for this person who dismissed me as their friend, they had no purpose for me.
What they did was completely logical… I value that kind of logic due to a very long illogical story.
They quite like me, maybe, but that’s not enough.
I don’t fit into their life and they can’t find any way to fit me into it even if they wanted to.
So… what to do about it?
Exactly what they did.
And, if I’m honest, they don’t fit into my life either, and I don’t want to force the issue.
I’ve had enough experience of the Stockholm syndrome kind of alliances in my life to… last for several lifetimes and make me learn that it’s not really the kind of relationship I want to have or to last. It doesn’t work for anyone involved even when one side thinks it does.
I don’t choose friends based on whether they are useful to me or not, whether I can find a purpose for them or not, I…
don’t really choose friends at all… I let life and the living of it do that for me.
I don’t have a criteria which people have to meet,
you don’t even have to like me to be my friend.
Friendship to me is like a pond freezing over and then melting in the warmth of the sun…
It is there for all seasons, and seasons within a season…
it comes and goes and goes and comes,
maturing in the process… how it does so depends on the elements…
something other than us keeps us together, flowing along an invisible stream…
That sounds rather nice but I’m not that nice…
what pulls us together may also push us apart, and that stream may stagnate due to blockages.
I won’t forget being dismissed as a friend no matter how polite and brave you were when you did it… I can understand why you did it, and may even like you more for it.
I value the things which sometimes make me lose value for you, because therein lies a worth worth more than all the pretty lies told to turn things which aren’t treasures into treasures.
“Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire,
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.”
― Robert Frost