The Element of Heat

That was cold!

Was it?

Well, it certainly felt that way.

But you knew it was coming, so you were prepared for the gust of icy dismissal.

Still, though, you’re never really ready to feel it even when you know it’s about to hit.

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X marks the icy spot

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“All morning I struggled with the sensation of stray wisps of one world seeping through the cracks of another.”
― Diane Setterfield

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The other day I was fired as a friend.

I was only a potential candidate for friendship, still in the acquaintance zone waiting to see if I’d made it to next round, the fairweather friend zone…

although usually I’m a bad-weather friend, the kind of person people only remember they know when they’ve fallen into a puddle and need a towel.

That’s my fault more than theirs.

We set the tone for our relationships… although we do sometimes let others do that and then go along with it because that tone works with our tune.

Or it doesn’t but we wish our song was one which did and not the one we suspect that it actually is.

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I’m a hermit,

difficult to know even when you know me,

and to get me to socialise you usually have to bang on my door in an emergency… but it has to be the kind of emergency which I consider to be an actual emergency

(Don’t disturb me with NIMBY issues, especially if your back yard is a few miles away from mine and isn’t my back yard at all, and I don’t know you, but you do know I’m new to the area, you said as much, and the way you introduce yourself to me is aggressive,

come onto me with too much heat and I’ll turn to ice to protect myself from being scalded,

and that aggressive attitude is one you seem to have about everyone who isn’t approved by you… and you seem like the kind of person who doesn’t approve of anyone really

– this is how I met one of my neighbours. They banged on my door and demanded I object to a housing project which was upsetting them. I can empathise with their plight. But I can also see the side of things which they would rather I was blinkered about. This neighbour isn’t really a neighbour per se as they live a too far to walk even for a hike distance away, about the same distance between me and the local prison, or the local military training ground. Rural life has quite a few attractions which people don’t want in their back yard, housing for regular people doesn’t seem like such a problem when you look at it from behind barbed wire. Besides I haven’t been here long enough to feel that so settled solidarity that I don’t ever want to move, and I’m certainly not ready to piss off the local government about it or to stop others from being allowed to find a home here),

otherwise I’ll shut the door in your face.

That’s cold.

But it’s honest.

No, that’s not honesty, that’s…

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Sun sparks

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“People often claim to hunger for truth, but seldom like the taste when it’s served up.”
― George R.R. Martin

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it’s similar to what the person who dismissed me as a friend did.

They were being honest about how they felt or didn’t feel towards me.

That can feel cold.

A door slamming in your face.

BUT…

They dismissed me without dissing me. They did politely, and rather sweetly. It was a warm kind of cold. The door closed gently and made sure my foot wasn’t there trying to stop it from closing.

And I have to confess that I admired their style as they did it.

Since I saw it coming long before it arrived, I watched in slow motion each step of their delicate dance of nine veils of how to tell me they were no longer interested in knowing me.

I suppose I could have made things easier for them, but… I simply let it happen as it did, because I could have been wrong about my prediction of what was coming.

That wasn’t a doubt caused by hope, it was more just a buyer of your own paranoia beware…

I’ve done this sort of thing myself, been in this kind of predicament.

And I have to admit that I’m more prone to using the ‘ghosting’ method to get my point across to those whom I no longer want to know, because when I try being polite I end up giving the sort of mixed messages which confuse matters for everyone.

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Capricorn ghosting

extract from Which Signs Are More Likely to Ghost You?

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As I am a doer of this kind of thing, I’m aware that I’m creating the kind of  karma which has a sting in its tail and I don’t need to reincarnate to get the benefit of that.

You should gird your loins in this lifetime for having what you do done to you too… that is sometimes why we do what we do in the first place.

And maybe learn from it.

But what you learn may not be what you think you should learn. Sometimes the traits you want to change aren’t ones that need changing, perhaps what should change is your attitude towards them, your perspective of what they’re really all about.

And I have to say that this (below) is a fairly accurate account of how I handle it most often when people ‘ghost’ me

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How Capricorn handles beign ghosted

extract from How Each Sign Handles Being Ghosted

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although not quite…

If you don’t have time for me, I can usually figure out your reasons and they often make logical sense when viewed from your perspective rather than mine.

I had no further use for this person who dismissed me as their friend, they had no purpose for me.

What they did was completely logical… I value that kind of logic due to a very long illogical story.

They quite like me, maybe, but that’s not enough.

I don’t fit into their life and they can’t find any way to fit me into it even if they wanted to.

So… what to do about it?

Exactly what they did.

And, if I’m honest, they don’t fit into my life either, and I don’t want to force the issue.

I’ve had enough experience of the Stockholm syndrome kind of alliances in my life to… last for several lifetimes and make me learn that it’s not really the kind of relationship I want to have or to last. It doesn’t work for anyone involved even when one side thinks it does.

I don’t choose friends based on whether they are useful to me or not, whether I can find a purpose for them or not, I…

don’t really choose friends at all… I let life and the living of it do that for me.

I don’t have a criteria which people have to meet,

you don’t even have to like me to be my friend.

Friendship to me is like a pond freezing over and then melting in the warmth of the sun…

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Iced Pond

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It is there for all seasons, and seasons within a season…

it comes and goes and goes and comes,

maturing in the process… how it does so depends on the elements…

something other than us keeps us together, flowing along an invisible stream…

That sounds rather nice but I’m not that nice…

what pulls us together may also push us apart, and that stream may stagnate due to blockages.

I won’t forget being dismissed as a friend no matter how polite and brave you were when you did it… I can understand why you did it, and may even like you more for it.

I value the things which sometimes make me lose value for you, because therein lies a worth worth more than all the pretty lies told to turn things which aren’t treasures into treasures.

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“Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire,
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.”
― Robert Frost

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20 thoughts on “The Element of Heat

  1. “come onto me with too much heat and I’ll turn to ice to protect myself from being scalded”

    SO ME. I can’t even explain how much it means to read that someone else does this. (Capricorn stellium FYI.) I had a work colleague who did this to me last year, and I froze over so much he asked me months later why I look at him like something on the floor. I hold my hands up and say my face is out of control and I didn’t actually realise how grim and transparent my feelings were. I’m not proud but it. If you come on too hard, I’ll run away and you will never ever get a second chance. I can’t cope with it.

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    1. I’m that annoying person ahead of you in the supermarket checkout line who goes extra slowly because you’re in a hurry and pressuring me with it (if you’ve only got a basket while I have a trolley, I might let you go in front of me just to get you off my back, but don’t demand it) 😉

      You have Moon in Cancer in the 12th – your feelings are tidal waves which everyone but you may see, before and as they hit. You also have an uncanny ability to tap into what others are feeling, which you may confuse with your own feelings, or feel so strongly that you’ll seek a way to climb out of the way of that tidal wave (you’re not the only one who feels in tidal waves), because the feelings of others may be hidden from them but you may see them before and as they hit – and you may seek higher ground before you drown in them.

      I have Moon in 12th (with Moon conjunct Asc – everyone else seems to know what I’m feeling long before I know what I’m feeling, if I know what I’m feeling at all – 12th house = what is hidden, mostly from ourselves – but I can also see what others are feeling and sometimes I’d like that to be hidden from me, as would others).

      Stellium in Capricorn wants to have a poker face – emotions won’t do as they wreck the poker face which is something we would all like to have sometimes, especially when dealing with feelings that aren’t socially acceptable (to the other person). But if others notice that you’re feeling something which you are actually feeling, it can cause all sorts of poker-faced problems (esp if the other person doesn’t like or can’t accept what you’re feeling because they want you to feel something else towards them).

      And you have Leo rising. Leo wants others to feel what it feels, but not make a big deal about it if it Leo rising doesn’t want a big deal made of it.

      Your work colleague came on too strong, and your reaction was totally natural and normal. But then he put you on the spot about it (months later… hmmm, he’s obsessing about this, still coming on too strong, don’t you think?) – why? What did/does he want from you? Is it something you don’t want to give but he wants to get?

      Is it you or is it him?

      Before you accuse yourself, take a look at the context of each case.

      Your running away may be justified in its running. It may be instinct (very strong in 12th house Moons) warning you.

      Caps have a tendency to be very hard on themselves (far harder than we will ever be on others – although others may miss that detail) – sometimes we mistake a protective tendency for a destructive one because we second-guess our natural reaction and think an unnatural one is better.

      This work colleague sounds like a too hot problem, who needs to cool down but he doesn’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Once he gets a yes, he’ll be even more of someone from whom it might be best to run away.

      It always bugs me when people think I’m looking down on them when I know that I’m not… there’s a manipulation going on and it’s not the one they’ve pointed out.

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    1. I’ve only just learned the term ‘ghosting’ from those astrology posts. I hadn’t heard it before or if I did I don’t remember it. It’s sort of a cross between the silent treatment, the discard, and the No Contact. So sometimes it’s weak but at other times it’s strong.

      I’m definitely a bit of a pussy when it comes to wanting out of a relationship 😉

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      1. I had only heard the term “ghosting” once before I saw it in your post. I took it to mean a discard/disappearing act from the context of when I first heard it. If it’s also used to describe “no contact” then yes, it can be strong. An interesting term. 🙂

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        1. I was reading an article the other day wherein someone made the observation that we’re all a bit prone to talking in ‘memes’. In other words when a new term hits the social sphere, because of the internet, it travels from mouth to mouth quickly and settles in as a new way of expressing something, and before we even have time to think about it we’re using the new term. I suppose it does depend on whether the term hits the spot for us, but sometimes if others have started using it it just becomes part of the language, and if you want to keep up with communication then you have to absorb the latest lingo.

          I quite like the term ‘ghosting’ as it’s immediately understandable and comes with visual imagery. It seems to be something which is mainly connected to the dating scene. A quick search comes up with loads of results connected to dating and there’s even a partner term for those who are being been ghosted – ghostee.

          If you think about it many of the terms which are now in common use in connection to narcissists are only recent additions, but they’ve caught on quickly.

          Language and its evolution, and all the meanings which words mean to us, is fascinating 🙂

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  2. Great post. Sometimes it hurts to be let go or dismissed, for a while and we can even understand but feel a bit like it was a slap in the face. Not to purport to put that interpretation on this instance btw…. Better someone is honest even if it hurts than to play a game.

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    1. Thank you 🙂

      I have to admit that I’m perhaps a little bit too used to people coming and going in and out of my life. The fruit of having moved around a lot. I tend only to be surprised when someone sticks around. I’m a rather weird person to know (Pluto/Uranus in the 1st house make me rather freaky 😉 ) so I I understand when people find me to be someone they’d rather not know.

      I do prefer it when people are honest, even if it dents the ego, it makes life simpler.

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      1. Yes, I get the first house Pluto/Uranus part. It distinctly places us on the outside a lot. We can only love and understand ourselves and this involves knowing a lot of people wont like us and its not their responsibility, much as we may hope to be connected, respected and loved.

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        1. I don’t think that being on the outside necessarily excludes someone from being connected, respected and loved, in some cases it actually increases it because from the outside you can get a clearer view of the bigger picture. It allows you to stand back and see that we’re all in many ways looking for the same things. Everyone wants to be loved, respected and feel connected, and many of us feel like outsiders. In fact it seems there are more outsiders in the world than insiders. 🙂

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  3. I love this post. I am experiencing this. People I let go of last year are doing their best to force me back in. First it was polite but no they are doing it without even asking me if I want to… At first I felt uncomfortable with the topic of your post, only to understand, thanks to it, I was feeling really disrespected ( then angry ) at what is happening. Like my words were not clear enough when I ended the relationships. Like they don’t give a fuck anyway because all that matters is ‘ the use ‘ they have for me in their lives. It was one sided and will always be I guess. I enjoy honesty too ( maybe from being a capricorn ) and I too can see things from a different perspective and make sense out of it. It makes life easier to be able to step out of my own skin and see why things are happening a certain way. In the end of all this blabla, I am truly grateful for this post because your words helped me see clearly what was going on with those people. I don’t want them in my life and I don’t want to be manipulated like an object because they need something from me. Thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much 🙂

      Relationships are complicated even at the best of times, there’s so much which goes on within them and it’s not always easy to figure out. People have different approaches to how they see relationships, what they mean for them. If you’re on the same page as them then things flow more smoothly, but if your approaches differ then it can end up rubbing both of you the wrong way.

      Some people do seem to see interactions as an issue of use, perhaps because this is what they were taught when they were learning about relating to others. My father saw things that way, he grew up in a culture which saw that as being perfectly normal – you use people and they use you, and it can be mutually beneficial. I remember him repeating a local saying about being nice to everyone as you never knew when they might be useful. It feels mercenary if it’s not something that you’re accustomed to seeing as normal, and it can feel rather an empty way of being if you’re seeking a deeper connection.

      Sometimes we end up with people who we don’t really gel with and it can be hard to make a break because it’s such an awkward thing to do. Ultimately though your relationship with yourself is the one that needs to be respected and if you feel disrespected by others then you should not force yourself to have a relationship with them as then you’ll be disrespecting yourself. If we’re unhappy that will ripple into everything.

      Always take good care of yourself 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Great post.I am smitten by how you articulate your analysis of life.BTW, people who dismiss oyu as a friend, don’t know whom they miss.xxx

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    1. Thank you 🙂

      I think that sometimes people do us a favour when they reject us, perhaps only because they leave an empty place beside us where someone else can take a seat, and that someone else may be a great friend whom we would have never met had we not been rejected.

      Liked by 2 people

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