Have you ever worn a piece of clothing which has gradually become more and more uncomfortable,
every move you make,
it chafes your skin raw,
digs into your flesh,
scratches and itches like a million tiny biting bugs,
until all you can think about is how you want to rip it off, tear it to shreds, burn it and bury it under a pile of furious frustration at it.
It doesn’t fit, and it’s making you want to have a fit…
you want to be free of it…
but you just put up with it.
You might even wear it again.
I often feel that way about clothes,
which is why when I find something that fits just right, which doesn’t make me conscious that I’ve got it on, which is almost like going nude but isn’t that
(because that’s not necessarily comfortable either, especially for others),
I tend to keep wearing it every day.
I don’t care how I look, I feel good so screw it if I don’t look as good as I feel.
When I was a child my mother once stole my favourite nightie and threw it away. I searched high and low with increasing desperation to find it until I asked her if she had seen it, that’s when she fessed up. Apparently she couldn’t stand seeing it anymore as it had holes in it. I almost killed her there and then, but you don’t kill people for something like that even if you want to, and… by then my favourite nightie was long gone.
There was no getting back what had been taken away.
“Aphrodite was born out of the primal murder of Uranus.”
― Uranus Sagona
The side of me which might see some logic in killing someone because they had decided to mess with my holey nightie…
could be attributed astrologically to having Mars in Scorpio or Pluto in the 1st house,
these are – Don’t mess with me – placements,
mainly because they tend to have a rather intense effect on those who have them,
and also on those who are around someone who has them,
they often give their owners smouldering eyes and a certain dangerous allure…
(which really shouldn’t be alluring but you just can’t resist putting your hand into that dark hole because you saw a glint and you’re hoping to find a long lost treasure…)
which can make you feel as though you’ll be well-protected if this person is on your side
(or not if they’re not).
“We were born of the blood of Uranus.”
― S.D. Gentill
Previously I would have been certain it was due to one of those two chart (possible) villains,
however lately I’ve been realising that the seemingly lovable friend known as Uranus,
who is a bit wacky and quirky,
weird and funny (both ha-ha and strange),
prone to eccentricities… which are charming, aren’t they…
may actually be the culprit.
My personality or character, or whatever that part of us which we think is us is called, has a side of scorched earth policy to it.
I always blamed my Pluto for it,
as Pluto is known to have an appetite for destruction (in my case it’s retrograde so it’s more likely to be self-destructive rather than other-destructive… and I might destroy myself just to get away from you),
but now I think my natal Pluto is the one who tidies up the mess which my natal Uranus makes.
That kind of makes sense as my Pluto is in Virgo – Virgo is stereotyped as loving to tidy up messes, and all stereotypes, as annoying and awful as they sometimes are, do have a smidgen of truth to them somewhere underneath the caricature.
“When writing a novel a writer should create living people; people not characters. A character is a caricature.”
― Ernest Hemingway
My Uranus on the other hand is in Libra, the sign of the scales which tend to be shown as being balanced, but… it rarely is balanced, it swings from one extreme to another seeking balance.
It’s one of those logic problems which the mind finds most puzzling…
If Eric has ten apples, and buys twenty more, then gives away fifteen, 6 to Ava (because he has a thing for her), 7 to Boris (he has a thing for him too), and a random number of apples are rotten, how many apples… does it take to realise that Eric seems to have an apple issue, he can’t figure it out so now you have to figure it out for him. Why?
My Uranus in Libra sits on a fence (the cusp) between my 1st (self) and 2nd (personal values) houses,
and it spends a lot of time on a liana like Tarzan,
backwards and forwards,
hanging upside down,
bumping into branches,
shouting Yippee Kay Yay MF as it throws itself out of a window and crashes through another!
When it is activated by a transit,
either directly or indirectly,
as it has been lately,
most recently due to the approaching Lunar Eclipse (which apparently gives you the feels before you feel it) in Libra… and the pile-up in late Pisces which is crossing into early Aries,
I feel as though my underwear is waging a war against me and I want to take a knife and stab it off myself.
The underwear which is driving me nuts is…
my Chiron conjunct North Node in Pisces (in the 7th house – of others, personal relationships) which opposes my Uranus conjunct Libra.
Chiron tends to represent the wound in your psyche (and chart), and is also the source of healing for your wound once you get to grips with your wound…
what you do to heal yourself of your wound may become the source of healing for others who share a similar wound (Pisces is partly representative of the collective consciousness).
“Where’s Chiron!” I shouted.
How rude.” Mr. D took a swig from a jug of grape juice. “Is that how you say hello?”
Hello,” I amended. “We’re about to die! Where’s Chiron?”
― Rick Riordan
This has always been a bugbear for me… this thing represented by Chiron (and the NN) in my chart.
It was that way before I found it in my chart and explained it to myself using astrology.
This is an issue for me however I look at it – some ways just make it more logical?.. bearable?…easier to deal with?… nah… just less… no… more… no…
Sometimes I want to be so selfish I win a prize for being the most selfish person ever (which is a hard competition to win)… but there’s always this nagging voice which says – think of how this affects others…
or how it affects me because of how it affects others…?
Others really don’t like it when you compete with them in the Getting Your Attention stakes…
That mother I mentioned earlier, she wounded me… partly because she saw me as a source of healing for her own wounds. Through me she sought to rectify things which had nothing to do with me. Through me she tried to live vicariously. Through me she hoped to heal what wasn’t my wound but… she made her wound mine and so it was up to me to heal it.
I couldn’t heal her wound, and she kind of liked the fact that I couldn’t as much as she also hated that I couldn’t.
“I know, now, how I would answer Chiron. I would say: there is no answer. Whichever you choose, you are wrong.”
― Madeline Miller
When I started working on my own wounds, she used me as a sort of crib note to quick fix her wounds. She’d wait for me to do all my research stuff, read all the books, try out the exercises the books suggested, go to the workshops, deconstruct myself then put it all back together, poke my boils, lance them and clean up the ooze… and then she’d ask me to summarise it for her. She wanted me to figure out the formula for snake oil, for an elixir which was a magical cure-all…
I’d love to take a sip of one of those too and miraculously be better… but I’ve tried sipping those made by others and they’re a bit like drinking a placebo which someone has told you will make you happy. You’re suddenly happy because you felt the need to be that way due to drinking something you were told would make you happy… until the superficial psychological mesmeric effect wears off and you’re back to your old self again, and your old self still has the same problems as before (plus a new one caused by yet again being disappointed that someone else couldn’t fix forever what was wrong with you).
The real sure for what ails you… is in digging into your own wounds, researching them, getting stuck into what hurts, feeling it and having a crisis about it. The real cure is not the formula which comes at the end of a lot of self work, it’s in the process of everything which happens in the journey from terrible mess to perfectly tidy. The perfectly tidy… that’s just an illusion which lasts for a moment. Like a placebo.
But some people think the placebo is the B all and end all… and they effing hate you when what worked for you doesn’t work for them. You just sold them your favourite piece of clothing (which is so comfortable and makes you feel so good) and it has holes in it!
Anyway, thanks to my Uranus being stimulated…
I’m going through a bit of a personal crisis.
That crisis includes this blog.
I had a moment of wanting to stop doing this because…
I feel a bit trapped by these clothes.
but where will it go?
I feel a bit as though I’m stuck.
Where once this blog freed me,
had an almost magical effect upon me and my life when I shared myself in my posts…
now it has cornered me…
the magic has worn off… maybe.
This is my problem not yours…
and that’s where things get tricky because of Uranus and how it solves problems like this one.
My Uranus trines my Mercury…
I’m crazy however you look at me… it just sometimes seems sane, because it gives me the ability of making crazy logical.
Bring me your crazy and I can make logic out of it…
but doing that can sometimes drive me a little bit crazier than…
is comfortable for wearing…
it can wear me out from the inside out.