Have you ever finally gotten something (or maybe someone) you wanted?
Finally achieved a goal you worked hard to score? Finally found what you were looking for? Finally reached the end of a journey? Finally been noticed after years of invisibility? Finally become invisible after years of unwanted attention? Finally recovered from a traumatic experience? Finally kicked that habit?
Finally done that thing on your To-do list which you’ve been avoiding doing because of reasons to the extent that you’ve become convinced that if procrastination was a subject you could study you’d have a masters degree in it, would be an expert in it, and would probably be an esteemed (and very rich) guru of how to procrastinate your life away in 5 easy steps?
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A few minutes ago I was watching a couple wandering around the perimeter of my property. There is a path there, but the land the path is on is private property and not many people use it – just the guy who owns it, his family, and the guys who sometimes keep sheep in the fenced-off field. This couple… were obviously lost and also obviously on a date with one of them leading the way on this wild adventure they were having who was desperately still pretending that he knew where he was going and taking his loved one of the moment (and maybe of forever and a moment). They were looking for some destination…. which wasn’t anywhere where they were looking for it (I heard him say – it’s not over that gate… – as he retraced his steps… but it most likely was over that gate).
And yes, I did consider butting in and offering guidance, but… I’ve been part of a couple getting lost in the wilds of the countryside and sometimes the best part of the experience is being left alone to lostness.
I live opposite the start of a nature trail…. I’m guessing they were looking for that, and most people have no trouble finding it… so maybe getting lost together is what they really were seeking. It’s a good test for a couple, you really get to know each other when you get lost together…
If one or both of you is a control freak who has been keeping control-freakery hidden… it’ll come out and bite when lost. If one or both of you is a chilled-out Zen master… that too will out when lost. If one or both of you always calls mummy or daddy when the shit hits the fan… If one or both of you knows how to survive in the wild because you are the wild… if one or both of you get hungry and think the only way to survive is to eat the other… even though you’ve only been lost for an hour or two and civilisation is close by.
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While this couple and their lostness reminded me of adventures I’ve been on with my partner and how we handled it (both badly and goodly…), it also prompted memories of a recent social gathering…
where I spent the day with a couple who… hate being lost and don’t handle that scenario well at all, but since they’re ‘nice people’ it’s never their fault when things go wrong – things going wrong = things not being perfect, as expected, according to (an anal) plan (they had for it), as the brochure said it would be, how others experienced it, etc…
and it’s never their responsibility if they behave badly – they never behave badly… apparently.
I like this couple and I don’t like them – yup, it’s one of those kinds of relationships. Don’t worry, the feeling is mutual… although I would say they’ve expended more effort than I have on the not liking part. I’m just too different, from a diverse background, universe, and everything about me is alien, suspect, scary…
I affect most people that way (so I’m kind of used to it… ). I’m one of those people who when they tell you (as a warning and just as probable need-to-know info) that they’re weird… it’s true rather than just a popular thing to say about yourself. I am intensely weird (other people have made me aware of this over the years, since I was a child… I thought and still sometimes think that I’m the epitome of normal and not weird at all…), and I will intensely weird you out if you spend any time around me (if you think I won’t, that you’re the exception… I’ve thought that about a lot of people but somehow I still manage to weird them the eff out just by being normal and natural me)… I try not to do that, which only makes things worse (or better… depending on perspective orientation).
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I worked my butt off (did some research into stuff… which is pretty enjoyable work-play for me…) to make the day with this couple suit this couple’s needs – in other words I shape-shifted myself and organised our outing to suit them (but I didn’t go overboard because experience has taught me that this is not a good idea as they will hate it and you will hate them for hating it, bitterness and passive aggression ensues for all involved…).
We spent more than one day together, the first day was an awesome easy success, but the second day… they were a bit grumbly because the place I’d recommended that they stay (which I had warned them about… all the things they ended up complaining about which they said was okay until it wasn’t… in other words in theory it was okay but in practice ir bothered them) wasn’t up to their standards of perfect and normal… and all they wanted to do was bitch about it on a loop.
While I was okay with the first tour of that bitching loop, get it out of your system, you’re probably right everything is wrong, but… what is is and no amount of bitching is going to change that so find the silver lining and make the most of it… but no, these nice people needed to bitch and bitch and bitch however they couldn’t own their bitching because they are nice people and nice people don’t do that…. unless… it’s someone else who is forcing their mouths to spew such venom. It’s not their fault but they must point out all the faults they’ve noticed… now that they’re in this groove!
I did try to ignore all of this like I normally do with them, but they were so insistent… that I noticed and noticed it again and around again we go…
and wondered why they needed to do it with such dedication…
as
while this bitching was going on we were having lunch at a riverside cafe, the food was delish, fresh, the service was great and friendly, the place was trendy and fun (and they thought the place was excellent…) … so why hark on about the past (albeit a very recent one which wasn’t that bad… the hotel was a mess but the people working there were nice and tried their best… but still… nyah, nyah, nyah…) when the present was offering so much?
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Truth is… I’ve been them and done that… okay, I haven’t been them exactly because that’s too much of a stretch for me (or a shrinkage into a less mess spilling over form…), but I have been the person who believed they were a ‘nice person’ bitching and blaming everyone else for my bitching because nice people are nice and don’t bitch so it must be someone else’s fault this is happening…
it is and it isn’t…
(Stephen Fry please take note – the reason there is cruelty, suffering, chaos in the world is because humans have free will and humans are… humans… – I really thought you were smarter than that weird ass mess you got yourself into… maybe your smarts were tired or bored or both… and maybe you’re just a human being human saying the sort of shit human say and then blame others when a fan gets hit and splatters us)
perhaps someone else pokes you and it’s too much for you to remain in nice mode, but… well, in my nice person days I relished the times I was given the opportunity to be a bitch without losing my nice person status (at least inside my head and in my ego’s opinion) and have a bitching session… and my bitching sessions always played on a loop… stroking the thorn in the paw… ouch, bitch, ouch, bitch, ouch… not wanting to remove it because finally you can let off steam (that pressure which has been building while you’ve been being an official nice person putting up with stuff for reasons)…
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I think the reason one couple reminded me of another… because sometimes you just have to let people be as they be and not interfere when you think they’ve gotten lost… perhaps they’re not lost at all, and even if they are what makes you the one who knows the way for them to go…?
How does this tie into finally getting what you want… well, if people stopped interfering in your journey, thinking you’re lost when you’re not, or even if you are… well maybe you need to be lost for awhile to find your own way and someone else’s way work as it may for them may not work for you… and when they interfere it just makes you loster, makes finding your own way harder, delays it, detours you into a place you… perhaps you need to visit it, but what if you don’t…
The first couple were probably at least ten years younger than me, the second couple are almost twice my age… goes to show that getting lost and finding your way aren’t really agie-st matters…
or something like that….
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You sort of have to have seen Brimstone and Treacle to know how weird this video and song is… it’s a film that’s weirder than I am… maybe… or maybe not… perhaps it took awhile for me to embrace the normal and natural for me… which sometimes seems weird when viewed from a distance, from outside of the one living it…
it ripples…
accept yourself and it become simpler to accept others and their weird-normal…
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What have you been up to recently which has made you have a Hmmmmm moment?
An Upturned Soul 
My most recent ‘hmmmmmmmm’ moment was watching “American Pastoral” last night. In light of recent national events, it was fairly scary actually. Hmm.
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Thank you for sharing 🙂
I”m not familiar with “American Pastoral” so I’m drawing a blank, is what was scary about it what you wrote in your Pondering II post?
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Hahaha. 🙂 You’ve caught that moment just right!
I got some bad news yesterday – found out that my boss whom I like and get on well with, has been diagnosed with cancer and it wasn’t caught early. Later in the day I had to deal with my internet connection (or lack thereof and poor service thereof) and started whining and crying about it to my M when he called (right now he’s in another, more remote part of the Arctic). He said, “Remember what you said to me two weeks ago? It’s the north and you just have to roll with it.” So I got picked off and deserved to be because I was also trying to say to myself that I was whining because of the bad news I got earlier but really, I would have been whining anyway, bad news or not.
But you know, I’m a nice person and if you think I’m whining then you’re wrong. I’m not really doing what you think I’m doing. And if I am, then who are you to whine about my whining? 😉
Great post. 🙂
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Thank you very much 🙂
Haha! That’s a clever bit of bants! I definitely think I’d enjoy hanging out with your, your wit would tickle my toes off! Although I think we’d better hang out at my place rather than yours to avoid me whinging about the cold 😉
Whining often seems to accompany fear, it acts as a form of self-stroking, self-soothing, when anxiety particularly about powerlessness is triggered. While it is often annoying for the audience for the performer of whine it serves a useful stress-release purpose. It’s one of the many weirdnesses of being human.
Your M sounds awesome (the Arctic!!!), he’s one of those people who gently doesn’t allow you to get away with anything, that was very wily of him to remind you of your own words. My partner does that too, and it is both charming and irritating (having your own ‘wisdoms’ used to shut you up is really a hard thing to argue with).
I do think it’s fair to have a whine about finding out that someone you care about is ill and with one of those diseases that strikes a loud fear gong for all of us. It makes one feel extremely powerless and mortality gets in our face in a bad way. And when you feel lost and alone you need to reach out to others and having dodgy internet is the last thing you need. There are some moments when not having internet connection is a blessing, but there are other times when it makes us feel our vulnerability… whining gives us reassurance.
Take good care of yourself!
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Thank you. 🙂
I think it would be fun to hang out with you too. And right now it’s not cold – the midnight sun is fast approaching and for now it’s only dark from about 11pm until 4 am. Everything moves at breakneck speed during this short intense spring and summer. Tonight I am listening to a melodic chorus of frogs and seagulls (with a background of wolves) through my open bedroom window – and there weren’t any last night. Last week I saw five black bears, two of them on the road and close enough that had the vehicle window been open, they could have stuck their snouts in. I am constantly amazed at this place. Anyhow, you wouldn’t freeze. 🙂 But the bugs might carry you away so on second thought … Jurassic park size mosquitos. Eeek. And anyway, I would like to see your house. 🙂
I also think whining is about fear and maybe frustration too. And it is soothing too to know that there’s someone who’s willing to listen to your stuff. Give you that space, even if you’re being ridiculous and you get called on it.
Thank you for your compliment to my M. He is pretty awesome. I’m lucky to have him in my life. He is good for me and has a knack for – as you say –
gently calling me on my hypocracies. It is both charming and irritating and also impossible to argue with – well put. If your partner is like my M, and it sounds like he might be, then he must be pretty awesome too.
I’m very sad for my new boss. The situation also strongly reminds me of what happened with my sister – very sudden and fast and hopeless. And I’m very concerned about her partner too. When I found out it felt like I’d swallowed a rock.
I will take care – thank you. 🙂
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OMG!!! Where you live sounds magnificent! Wolves and bears roaming freely… even though that can be a dangerous prospect, it’s also very worth the danger as there’s a deep healing to it, it teaches us to respect the wild both outside and inside.
If you want my two bits… I think all of this wilderness surrounding you and the challenges of your new job are exactly what you need… time for the wild within to emerge and join the wild outside 🙂
Have you seen the film – Wild – with Reese Witherspoon, it’s actually not as sappy as I thought it was going to be and kind of is in tune with what you’re up to…
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It is fantastic and wild. 🙂
Your two bits are always appreciated (and worth a lot more than two bits 😉 ). I agree that these challenges are what I need – thank you. 🙂
I have seen the film and that’s quite true – it is in tune. 🙂
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It is still morning here, and I have not yet left for work. I am so happy that I read this first. You have inspired me to get through my day with a positive (albeit weird) outlook. I have no real explanation as to why this is so, but I thank you.
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Thank you for sharing 🙂
Sometimes no explanation is needed… just go with the weirdness!
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