Cappy Birthday Thoughts

Today is my birthday, and I’m saturning 49.

I don’t have too many thoughts about being 49 specifically, and being in my 50th year on planet Earth.

(I have enjoyed being in my 40’s, it’s the best decade yet! But I have no idea if I’m doing my 40’s as the 40’s are supposed to be done according to ‘experts’ on such matters of time, age, etc.)

One of the enduring characteristics of being me is that I don’t have a fixed sense of time (which includes a fixed sense of age).

This has both annoyed the people in my life…

(some of whom have tried to correct my incorrect sense of time and instill in my mind the same tick-tock-tick-tock which goes on in theirs. That was stressful for everyone involved, and never took hold for me even though for awhile several times I tried to live with that infernal tick-tock machine droning on inside but it fell out because I have many holes in my head which I apparently need as they are useful for letting things which I don’t need fall out)

and endeared me to them

(having a swiss-cheese-brained person in your life can make you feel oh so in control, efficient, intelligent, practical, and possibly heroic).

Being in my company can be like being inside of a bubble filled with strange gasses which make you float a little bit outside of your body and have one of those dubious aha moments where everything which was nonsense suddenly makes sense and everything which made sense suddenly seems like nonsense.

And that’s before I open my mouth and share my thoughts.

If I open my mouth and blurt words out then chances are everything and nothing will make sense, and you’ll give me one of those very familiar looks which people give me all the time (even when I only say ‘Hello!’) of – OMG WTF are you!?!?

.

.

Having people (including your parents) sometimes say to you and regularly look at you with an expression which states – OMG WTF are you!?!? – will eventually as a consequence have you asking yourself the same question and look at yourself in the mirror in search of an answer.

As a child I used to talk to myself in the mirror. I didn’t think there was anything odd about doing that… in fact it seemed like a logical, reasonable, down-to-earth practical thing to do, particularly if you want to get to know yourself and definitely if you’re trying to figure out – OMG WTF are you!?!?

Later on, once exposed to more other humans and their rules and concepts about How To Be A Normal Human (acceptable to and accepted by other normal humans), I realised that talking with yourself in the mirror as a friend and confidant, getting to know yourself in a straightforward manner, is totally crazy (unacceptable to and unaccepted by normal humans) and you shouldn’t do that.

Doing that puts you firmly in the – OMG WTF are you!?!? – category, and other people will fill in the blank !?!? with something which makes them less nervous, uncomfortable, and forced to question their own version of what reality is.

People do not like to be made to question what is keeping them safe, secure, stable… no matter how much it also makes them feel trapped, repressed, suppressed, stressed, and like they’re going to blow at any moment (the tick-tock-tick-tock has become the countdown of an internal bomb).

.

.

The above image is a scribbled note to myself I found the other day while tidying up my desk and files. I can vaguely recall writing it, and the stray thought behind and within it. I was attempting for the umpteenth time to figure out a personal puzzle, and as usual I thought I’d figured it out (but I knew I’d only sussed a tiny fragment of it… as usual).

People often treat me like a dirty little secret, something to keep hidden, a certain something which they get another kind of certain something out of but they don’t want anyone else to know that they know me because I’m an – OMG WTF are you!?!? – and they don’t want to be tarred by others with the same brush.

They like that I’m an – OMG WTF are you!?!? – even if they sometimes try and make me into a not-an-OMG WTF are you!?!? (they’re deeply disappointed in me when I’m a not-an-OMG WTF are you!?!?), but they don’t want anyone to know that they like someone like me.

This used to bother me.

It still bothers me but not like it used to.

Basically I’ve realised that it’s supposed to always bother me, but how it bothers me is supposed to evolve, grow, change. Being bothered by it is part of being an – OMG WTF are you!?!?

My purpose in life (if you’re into a life having a purpose, which I used to be, and still sort of am, but how I view that concept has evolved, grown, changed) is to be an – OMG WTF are you!?!? – and to be bothered by it and try to figure it out, then share what I figure out even though I’ll never truly figure it out as my sharing it helps everyone else who is a closet – OMG WTF are you!?!?

Or something like that and along those lines.

.

.

The image above is something I came across while doing a Wiki on Pinterest (clicking on images, then clicking on the related images, and then clicking on related related images, etc).

I wasn’t looking for blogging tips, but as a blogger even if you’ve heard it all before it’s worth checking out what the ‘experts’ are saying just in case they’re saying something which hasn’t been said before, or you’re ready to hear what you weren’t ready to hear before, or because you want something to blog about (and griping about blogging advice is an adequate prompt).

I don’t know where these blogging tips came from because the link on the Pin didn’t work.

What stood out for me on that list was this bit – Nobody likes talking to themself – and not because my mind was trying to figure out if it was ‘themself’ or ‘themselves’. But because… really!?! Is that true???

I really like talking to myself… I guess I must be Nobody!

If I was stranded on a desert island I would not need a Wilson the volleyball because I’ve been my own Wilson the volleyball since I was a child.

Recently me, myself (or is it myselves), and I have been chatting about what the atoms which make us up are actually trying to accomplish by being us/me.

Someone made the mistake of asking me what I was thinking while I was chatting with myself/myselves about that, and that led to them giving me that very familiar look of – OMG WTF are you!?!?

At 49 years of age… perhaps I should no longer be an – OMG WTF are you!?!? – anymore, but… on the other hand, maybe, as I start my 50th year what I really should be is finally comfortable with the fact that the atoms which make up me decided long ago as they were slowly congregating to make me up that their purpose was to create an – OMG WTF are you!?!? – because that’s what they wanted and needed to be.

I suspect, but it is only a vague suspicion, that all humans are made from atoms which collected and decided to create another normal human – OMG WTF are you!?!?

But life on Earth being the experiment by atoms that it is (perhaps to discover whatever the F they are)… some of us get told immediately that we’re an – OMG WTF are you!?!? – while other – OMG WTF are you!?!? – humans get told a different story.

.

this is part of a series of Pins like this which I came across on the same Wiki-Pin journey… people say stuff like this all the time but why? They never seem to find what they’re saying…

.

For those of you under the impression that Capricorns are boring born old SOB sods and they can’t possibly do, say, or think anything which isn’t within the confines of acceptable normal human… maybe you’re right.

Acceptable normal humans tend to eventually wonder – OMG WTF are you!?!? – about others and about themselves (or is it themself?)

If you’re boxing people up by Sun sign, and you’re boxing up a Capricorn Sun… we’re known for Saturning things around as we get older and becoming weirder, and being more openly out of the – OMG WTF are you!?!? – closet.

Capricorn season includes the tick-tock time of year when people make resolutions… if you think Cappy Days is a good time to start something new for a new you, you’re right, however that new start needs to be true to who you are, who you really are underneath all the who you’d like to be, who you wish to become, who you’re being for the sake of others, society, etc.

The structure of you – real you – is what Capricorn is all about (especially this time around as transiting Pluto and Saturn are both in the sign).

This might be a good time to look in the mirror and have a chat with the you who you see there and ask – OMG WTF are you!?!? – and let mirror-you answer.

Let the atoms which make up you tell you why they collected and congregated to create you.

Or…

something like that!

Happy Birthday everyone!