Change is a natural part of life.
Sometimes it is for the better, sometimes for the worse, sometimes its ambiguous and we’re not really sure whether it’s good or bad or neutral.
It just happens and that’s that.
We may try to fight it, or we may try to force it…
I’ve been trying to force a change on myself recently. I know I shouldn’t do this because I know myself well, and when I try to force myself to do anything, which I often do, I fight it tooth and nail, I always do.
Some things never change…
The change I’ve been trying to enforce is one that needs to happen, however, it’s not ready to happen just yet and I need to be patient with myself and respect the natural flow… I’m just really bored of waiting, and my boredom is of the reactive type, which is restless, hates to feel trapped, and can be quite destructive in its attempts to break free from the old ways.
The mind doesn’t always respect the heart or body or anything else… it sometimes sees itself as king, omnipotent ruler of self, and can be a tyrannical dictator who is willing to kill everything to get what it wants.
Someone recently said to me in a comment – If you think you’re smart, then you are smart – because we become what we think… Go on then … jump off that roof because your think you can fly therefore you can indeed fly. Let me know what happens. I’ve broken every bone in my thinking body doing that… perhaps I was doing the magical thinking thing wrong.
I do things wrong all the time…
I’m one of those people who can be stubborn and determined, who is not afraid of going through hell (even though I’d rather not, scream all the way, beg myself to take the easier path…) and will persevere relentlessly even if I have to drag myself by my hair over hot coals. I have masochistic tendencies and can be sadistic with myself. I’m tough (even when I think I’m not and feel as though my backbone left this body a long time ago).
Although I happen to be the kind of Marathon runner who will keep going with shredded feet, ignoring the slick caused by bursting blisters, who will refuse to admit that I’ve crossed my pain threshold, that my bladder is bursting, my heart has exhausted its beats, and my engine is running on fumes of fumes of fumes…
I have a strange knack for snatching defeat out of the jaws of victory… the moment I see the finish line, a brain anomaly occurs. I forget all the effort it took to get to this point and somehow think it’s all been too easy and… gee, let me see how I can completely eff this up for myself.
My fear of succeeding when for some reason I don’t think I deserve it encourages me to fail. Somehow success is a failure to me… if I think it came easily, even when it didn’t.
So, I turn around and start running the race backwards, passing all those people who thought I was going to win and… haha, don’t they look confused! I wonder how many will think they’re going in the wrong direction? But if anyone turns around and tries to follow my example I’ll get cross with them. Seriously!?! Don’t follow me, I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m just doing it because that’s what I do… I always go in the wrong direction!
However, over the course of the last few years… I’ve made some significant changes to the way that I do things. It’s broken my old patterns in a manner that I’ve never been able to do before no matter how hard I tried to do so.
Blogging has helped me do that as sharing my twisted, crazy, messed up self has forced me to change… and I haven’t fought it as much as I usually do. The moment I embraced Social Media… I entered a race that altered my course.
Do you know why?
It’s because of you.
Frankly… I was not attracted to your type. Not before. But now… definitely!
Do you know what your type is – it’s the type which actually accepts me as I am, and surprisingly quite likes me for just being me. Shit, you’re always telling me how much you appreciate what I do… that’s really annoying and confusing of you. I just can’t get used to it, to you liking me. It throws me out of whack.
I’m a mess… you like this mess.
Before I met you… I’d never met anyone like you, or at least I’d never allowed myself the prolongued pleasure of your company and its positive effect on me.
[ Apart from my partner, whom I met during a moment of me being me live and unplugged, unedited and uncensored, and for a short period of time to I was able to recognise a person who was really and truly good for me. And thanks to his intervention (and my actually letting him have a positive influence on me)… I was able to meet you.]
The types I was usually attracted to were people who thought I was an idiot, a valuable and useful one who could be treated like they weren’t as valuable and useful as they were. I was there to be mined for gold… take what you need then pretend you didn’t take anything from me, you had it all along. Steal my shit and pretend it’s yours. Make yourself the source and don’t credit me for my part in it. Me… who am I? I’m a nothing from which you take everything then discard me once that’s done.
I was also viewed as someone who could be molded into who they needed me to be for them… I’m putty, a puppet.
I’m not an idiot (although sometimes I am…), I just felt safer being around people who thought I was. It was familiar territory and it came with advantages that suck, but… comfort zones often suck.
They couldn’t really mold me into who they wanted me to be for them… this is what pisses them off about me – I misled them, what a frigging awful villain I am! Look at this putty who refuses to be shaped, this puppet who cuts the strings! What a stupid bitch!
I’ve never really been attracted to narcissists. Not consciously. My conscious attraction is very different from my unconscious one. Consciously I’m looking for the exact opposite… I crave to be around those with personal integrity, who are authentic, who accept themselves and accept others, who are focused on the gritty positive, on visceral sharing, who are open-minded, willing to face the complexity of being human, who live and let live…
So… WTF, Unconscious Self… WTF!?!
I find narcissists to be the most irritating people on Earth, and I usually identify them based on how irrationally angry I get when I’m with them, exposed to their endless BS. When I get an intensely strong urge to smash someone’s face and skull in, repeatedly with ever-increasingly large blunt objects, and the idea delights me, gives me a rush of blood and gore lust… I know I’m in the presence of a narcissist.
When I want to destroy them, the way I wanted to destroy my parents… but never could because I’m not that kind of destructive (I will destroy myself before I destroy anyone else)… I know I’m repeating a pattern of relationship which bums me out.
Why can’t I change… break free from this dreary and depressing spiral of infinite trapped boredom with bullshit?
Well, the long and painful short of it is – learn the frigging lesson this repetitive lesson is teaching you!
Which is what exactly? If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em!?! No, thank you!!!
The lesson is much simpler than what we think it is… which is why it is so complicated to learn. We need to navigate the labyrinth that is our minds, our unconscious and subconscious variations which our conscious doesn’t really understand.
But… thanks to you… I’m finally learning it in a way that has effectuated a most amazing change in me.
I’m still making mistakes with this, and probably always will, but… you’re okay with that and… that… is the diamond in the rough slowly learning how to smooth its surfaces to a shine which glints in the light.
Yesterday I had to make one of the most galling decisions of my life in recent times. I had to cede victory to my nemesis, a nemesis I had hoped to vanquish just once… OMG just once in my life could I just have a total win over this person!!??!!… but no… not this time, perhaps not ever…
However, this time granting them a win is actually a win for me, even if I’m still in pain from it…
If I stuck to the position I was in before I made the decision, which refused to give them a win because… eff U you frigging a-hole who has effed up my life from day one and before that…
If I refused to change my mind… as delicious as that seemed… it would actually ruin my future, and my future is looking quite good, but I could make it a bad place by not changing my mind.
That change might actually, for once, allow me to cross a finish line… as tempted as I am to run away from it, go backwards.
Power is… flexible and tricky to handle, especially when it wants to be inflexible and easy to handle.
If I seem changed to you… in comments, in posts… over the next few days, weeks, whatever… it’s because I am… in the middle of a change.
A significant one.
You’ve helped me to be more me… less not me…
You’ve shown me how to be attracted to those who are really attractive to me…
I hope that makes sense.
Keep being who you are…
Your personal integrity and authenticity keeps me real too… and shows me… unconsciously, subconsciously and consciously… that being who we are out loud is beautiful and infinitely attractive.
That’s what I’m attracted to now… that’s who attracts me – you… being you!
You being you as you are…
Me being me as I am…