anupturnedsoul

The Broken Unicorn

Unibrokorn.

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I almost managed to destroy someone else’s world last night. A world they had worked very hard to create. I wasn’t trying to destroy it, it was an accident, a rippling consequence of an action. An action which was spurred by a certain type of boredom from which I suffer which makes me restless, which spreads through my entire system and… havoc often ensues.

I try to keep it under control, but that is not always possible.

Luckily they fixed my mess before it caused terminal destruction. Luckily they were very understanding and actually thought what I did was funny and a challenging kind of fun.

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Luckily… luck exists.

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The world I almost destroyed is not a real one. It was in a game where you create worlds. In multiplayer mode, you can play in someone else’s world. Which is what I was doing.

They added a feature to their world where you can create other worlds to which you travel. I created one and my travel to it crashed the game… repeatedly.

Before this they’d created a few of these other worlds to which both of us had traveled and returned without incident (other than the usual incidents of me getting killed by monsters and deaths of my own making – such as falling off the end of the world).

So, I wanted to create a world too… why did my created world have to be such a destructive liability?

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My mind likes to observe and make connections.

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So I observed and made connections while caught up in this mess, and in the aftermath of it.

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One of the things which needed to be done to stop the entire world the other person had created from being irrevocably destroyed was to quickly transport (teleport) my character out of the anomaly (black hole) I had created. In doing this I lost everything I had and my character had to start from scratch.

Which really wasn’t a problem… considering what could have happened.

I was relieved that the only loss suffered was one to me, my character… everything else was copacetic.

Phew!

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I quit the game after that. Not for good (although… perhaps my absence from it is for the good of all, but the other player likes having me there (luckily?) – go figure!)

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I needed to take a break and review… myself, what had happened, and how it may apply to real life.

Because what happened in the game… it has sort of happened to me in the past in real life.

A version of it.

Several similar versions of it.

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When I was born… apparently my birth and the build up to it, completely ruined someone else’s world.

Carrying that kind of impression of yourself, your existence… can make you a bit insane in the membrane.

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There have been times in my life when I’ve perceived myself as a myth, a mythical creature… an unicorn, maybe… because someone else seemed to see me that way.

I didn’t see myself that way, I wasn’t sure how I saw myself and kind of relied on others to help me with that…

If they thought I was an unicorn, then maybe I was…

They seemed so certain…

they’d found an unicorn at last…

until they found that I had a broken horn…

I was an unibrokorn…

and that was enough to destroy their world… apparently.

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Being an unibrokorn kind of suits me…

does that make sense?

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When I saw this statue of an unicorn in a rather grand country house hotel… hidden yet not hidden, just a curious curio amongst many…

I snapped a pic and said hello to a friend.

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I’m just a regular old human,

klutzing my way through life…

that’s how I see myself, how others see me…

well,

our different perspectives can sometimes destroy worlds apparently.

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I’m used to starting from scratch… I don’t mind as long as it’s just me.

But it’s never just you, is it?

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I try not to deliberately destroy other worlds, worlds which are not mine…

But…

unibrokorns happen!

We didn’t mean to happen,

we try not to happen,

but we do…

when our world and yours collide.

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unicorn rainbow.

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Moral of the story, what I may or may not have learned from my observations and connections of this incident – perhaps I should let other people deal with things like life because they know how to fix things and I only seem to cause havoc.

or

…

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Hmmm…

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What do you think?

24 comments

  1. Is it possible to ever live your life and not have it affect other’s? I try to affect others in a positive way but i have failed numerous times. My dad used to act like everything I did that didn’t turn out was a personal attempt at ruining his good mood, day or life. Good or bad, it was never MY life, it was always about him and his life. It annoyed the hell out of me. As a parent I have tried to not take my son’s bad choices as a personal affront, just as I credit him with his good healthy choices, although it is hard to not feel proud sometimes; I know he is a great person of his own doing.
    Since leaving my ex WOSPOS (waste of skin piece of shit) I have seen the damage the choice of being with the WOSPOS as done to my son and it tears me apart. No amount of apologizing will ever erase it. It became glaringly obvious when I went to his place for dinner not long ago and the WOSPOS’s name came up and my son expressed his hatred for this person and what he would do to him if he ever saw him again. His hatred was palitable and it was so intense it scared me. Not for the WOSPOS because it is all justified but for my son who would probably end up in jail and that would kill me, that my actions would result in that. I tried to calm him and his girlfriend tried and he said, “That xx#@ ruined my mom’s life, the $#%& hit my mom.” I held him and we cried. I am so sorry he will pack that anger the rest of his life. I wasn’t thinking about the long term affects of my selfish actions. There is nothing I can do to fix it now except to be the best mom I can be and be the healthiest mom I can be from this day forward.
    Some times that is all we can do, is promise to do better and then stand by our word. Unfortunately our lives are often intertwined with other people’s lives and our mistakes are rarely just our own.

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    • We’re all intertwined, whether we want to be or not. It’s part of why relationships are so complicated, it’s also why we seek out relationships. From our very first breath until our last and beyond, because even when we are no longer alive or no longer in someone’s life, we’re still a part of people’s lives – that was brought home to me rather vividly when my father died recently.

      I always remind myself that other people can take care of themselves – children of narcissists have an issue with this one due to early programming by the narc parent as the narc parent tends to make the child responsible for the parent (kind of what your father did with you, I’m not saying he had NPD, just that your experience has similarities with being an ACoN). The lines get very blurred and they stay that way until we define them from ourselves – start from scratch and build solid foundations. Living life doesn’t always give us time to do that in a tidy way. We do what we can with what we have.

      With children it is always going to be even more complicated than with spouses, as it is with parents, the lines between self and other are naturally blurred as well as in other ways. I think the most healing thing we can do for another person, especially those who are linked to us in a very personal way, is to admit our own errors, our humanness, and hope that by doing that it heals both us and them in some way, allows us to accept what seems unacceptable as being a part of life, and let’s us find solutions which support us and others rather than destroy us and others.

      We do the best that we can do, and admit to ourselves that sometimes our best is someone else’s worst… but as long as the lines of communication are open, we can find a place in between, hopefully. Where we can work things out.

      Being a parent is a very difficult job, task, life experience… as is being a child. Both are teachers, both are pupils. Both do their best… sometimes we have to go with what we have rather than what we want. Reality always challenges our ideals. Sometimes all we need is for someone else to acknowledge us… as being separate from them, even if we are tied to them in some way.

      Best wishes!

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  2. (((((perhaps I should let other people deal with things like life because they know how to fix things and I only seem to cause havoc.))))

    This sound like one of those unkind voices you mention in the re-blog from yesterday. It’s first on my today list for today to comment on that ‘self talk’ or being gentle with yourself blog you did yesterday. In fact I’ve been thinking about it all day

    I’ve had that happen where I’ve had to re-invent and start from nothing at least once every decade. And you say ‘you don’t mind as long as it’s only you’.

    Well I do mind when that happens to me as a result of being in collision, willfully or accidentally with another or being disappointed by another. I am tired of starting from scratch And beyond tired of being alone And tired of the tiny seeds rising that were planted when I was so little where if I keep trying to keep convince myself we are all broken on some level. It doesn’t make me feel any better that some how when I’m involved in something , worlds collide and implode at times when others sail down the road of life and happily

    Friday I took a class about ‘self care and self talk ‘ which let us rate our level of ‘self care’ and burn out on a 1 -10 10 being most mentally fatigued. It was meant as continuing ed for therapists. I am not on a therapist for ‘the mind ‘but I’m in a profession where people often ‘off load ‘ their problems on me while trying to explain the circumstances that brought then to use my profession so the education is helpful.

    Your ‘perhaps I only seem ‘ statement reminded me of an always or never statement which may or May not (:-)) be a sign of mental fatigue and represent need for more gentleness w self.

    I’m really uncomfortable saying this to you bc I’ve never opined on what you asked. Only opened myself to have you opine on my crisis du jour.

    What do I think? I think you should be extraordinarily kind to yourself today.

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    • And for some reason on this device it doesn’t show my new username which should post under sbw as. my other posts do now. I’m trying to fix this Why is everything so difficult some times.

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    • No need to be uncomfortable sharing what you think with me, I appreciate it 🙂 I do understand the reticence as I have it too (what do I say, what don’t I say? Where is the line between something taking something I said personally and blowing it out of proportion, taking my opinion and pinioning me on it, etc)

      I’m often blinkered to what is right in front of me, what is obvious. I know I’m going through a bit of a ‘hard on myself’ moment right now. And I’m being hard on myself for being hard on myself… I am aware of what I’m doing, but I’m still doing it.

      The vicious cycle has been stirred up…

      I was trying to sort it out by myself, but I think I’m making more of a mess that way, and the better tactic is to just let it be, admit it, observe it… and let others help me with it from their objective stance. I was having one of those – But you don’t know all that I know – arguments which stopped me from accepting help offered. Maybe the fact that I know what I know is a hindrance, and them not knowing what I know is helpful. I’m too overwhelmed by it, so I need to step back and accept some help by those who are not overwhelmed (and I mustn’t overwhelm them or they’ll lose objectivity).

      I always find it hard to accept help from others. I know that… and that sometimes it is an obstacle. This week I let go of something and handed it over to others and that has sent me into a bit of a tailspin. I’ll be fine… I just need to adjust 🙂

      Thank you for sharing, don’t worry I don’t hold you responsible for my stuff, I do however appreciate your insights as I know you know a lot of what I know!

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      • Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and i hear myself saying ‘you’re alone, you’ll always be alone and you’ll probably die here in the middle of the night and no one will notice.

        And all of the positive self talk that i give to myself sounds hollow. I always feel as though i’m trying to fill a bathtub and the stopper is missing at the bottom and i’m pouring water in and its running straight down the drain.

        You once wrote a blog mentioning Kryptonite. And i misread the caption – more like transferred my own fear into the caption. I thought it asked ‘Who is your Kryptonite?” And i promptly said out loud, the narcissist in my life – both past and near present.

        I said I feel as though i start from scratch at least once a decade. It feels like no matter how much effort i put into loving and cultivating my rose garden, some how it always feels like while i’m planting and its getting dug up. But those tiny seeds of doubt and poison, planted when i was so little, are almost impossible to weed out and they always seem to bloom regardless. And it does bother me. Starting from scratch again and again does bother me b/c i don’t feel as resilient as i did before.

        I loved your statement about having a hard time accepting help. Right now my goal is to not go into the supermarket b/c the halloween candy is already out in the aisles. And its such a short slide to seeing the Thanksgiving food, then xmas eve, xmas, new years, valentines day. All of those days that i spent by myself last year in my fantasy knowing i was the only person in the world that had spent every one of those days completely alone
        Including my b’day which was the day i was coming back from my sisters’ hospice. But i don’t want to disclose that to anyone bc maybe someone well meaning soul will insist i come to their house, which would make me even more uncomfortable and more like a third wheel. So i will sit here and suffer and wait for hours to pass. Just like i did when i was a child and waited for someone to have a sane moment and pay some attention to me.

        This year has really been the most challenging. taken it down to the bare root > I know it will pass. I know it has to turn. I just wish i knew when. Like how many more minutes. lol

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        • The healthiest thing I’ve done for myself in life is to just accept myself as is – which was a struggle, and still is. I’m a mess… maybe I’m supposed to be that way – and once I thought that… I felt better. It’s the kind of feeling better which constantly evolves, and sometimes devolves, but that’s okay.

          A lot of the problems which we have with ourselves come from how we perceive everyone else – if we think everyone else has what we don’t have, then we beat ourselves up, and inner chaos ensues.

          During certain holidays… the suicide hotlines are at their busiest – why? Because most people feel alone.

          Here’s a story – my partner had a very good friend who killed himself a few years ago. My partner went through a very hard time after his friend’s suicide. He wondered if he could have prevented it. So did all the good friends of this guy who killed himself – particularly the one who found him. The guy who killed himself was ‘the life and soul’ of a large group. Everyone loved him. He was lovely. Always there for everyone. He had so many friends that being alone was not an option… yet he still felt alone, and died alone. Because even though he was there for everyone… he never allowed anyone to be there for him.

          His death changed the group in ways which are still happening. He was the glue… the glue is gone. No one could be the glue for him.

          We all, all humans, feels desperately alone and we handle that, cope with it, any way we can. We all hang in there… and sometimes just give up. There are different ways to give up. Some end up meaning that we end our lives… but others mean that we start all over again.

          No one has it ‘better’ than us… they just have it ‘different’ from us because as similar as we are, we’re all different. Some people are narcissists. That’s how they cope, and the way they cope makes us have to cope with them and their coping mechanisms… which can eff us and our coping mechanisms up.

          You could say that I’m lucky because I have a partner in life… took me ages to find him, and I only found him because I had decided to spend my life alone and so I wasn’t looking for a partner in life. You could also say, at least I would say it, that I was the narcissist in his life… because before I came along… well, when he hooked up with me, he hooked up with my family and how they affected me.

          I had to change myself, start from scratch, for him… for him for me, for me for him. The change required was – to just accept myself as is. Which isn’t what a child of narcissists is used to. We grow up thinking we’re supposed to be anyone but who we are… so we find it hard to just be who we are, we’re taught to see the world as full of lots of perfect people and we’re not one of them… it’s an illusion.

          The world is full of imperfect people… and that is perfection of a very human kind.

          Want to not be alone on a birthday or holiday… neither does anyone else because we crave company, but we always think the company craved is not ours, perhaps because we’re projecting. Buy a cake and invite people to celebrate rather than wait for them to do it… we’re all introverts waiting for someone to invite us to dance… maybe we should just do it, invite the other introverts to dance and accept them when they turn away from us, their turning away isn’t because of us… it’s because of them, they’re shy and painfully afraid of being rejected for being awkward.

          Flip yourself around a bit… see the you which you hide from others… hiding in others. It’s there too.

          Life and being human isn’t easy for anyone, including those who cope with difficulty by pretending things are easy.

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  3. I think it suits you, and the picture is lovely, he has a warm soul. i am sort of crazy about la dame à la licorne, I am spell bound to it, maybe the reason is the unicorn. But a unibrokorn is even morer charming and special.

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    • I’ve never been a fan of unicorns or a not fan of them either, I guess I was sort of indifferent and preferred other mythical creatures like the cyclops, until I came across a very funny (and twisted) book – http://misterunicorn.com/index.php?/books/unicorn-being-a-jerk/ – which made me see the unicorn in a very human and intriguing way. But even then, unicorns never really interested me (except perhaps as a metaphor) until I met this one in the pic. He is a charming little unibrokorn 🙂

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  5. I’ve have never thought of unicorns as being broken, I always thought of them as being a beautiful mystical powerful creature with magical powers, in fact to this day my favorite. I was just talking about how much I love them as a child to my daughter, 13 before I saw this in my reader, (who informed me, unicorns aren’t cool, and I am old! So offended!). So maybe it’s the rare breed of people we are? At first we feel broken, sad, hurt or angry, maybe we may even need a time out, and lay low to recoup. But not ever truly broken, maybe it’s the power within. I don’t think everyone has it, some people don’t recover from their traumatic events.

    Just a thought.

    NIBSIH.

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    • The broken unicorn thing really only applies to the unicorn in the photo which had a broken horn that someone had glued back on, and what I connected with it by connecting with it – as humans do with stuff.

      I have no idea about the status of unicorns – cool or not cool anymore. Kids these days tend to be way smarter than adults these days… scary and reassuring both at the same time. Our kids are an evolution of us…such is life.

      We all get broken at some point… that’s how we learn that being broken is something we can survive and perhaps it helps us to thrive. Sometimes… we don’t recover from being broken because we only look at the broken pieces rather than what is still whole. Life is a funny old and new thing 🙂

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  6. Yeah I’m kinda indifferent to unicorns, too…..However, this post brings to mind the play “The Glass Menagerie” by Tennessee Williams (required reading in the 10th grade). I remember it leaving an impression on me, ie the broken horn.. broken meaning whole…or something like that…..but the other thought brings me to a quote that I absolutely love in a twisted kinda way~~~ “I wish I were a Unicorn so I could stab idiots with my head.” ~~~~hahahahaaa!!! Keeping it light tonight 😉

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    • Love The Glass Menagerie, what a magnificent (and twisted) story.

      I love fiction, particularly when it overlaps with mythology… I’ve always been a fan of mythology (partly due to required reading in school and such). It’s a good way to explore our subconscious/unconscious because of the archetypes connection. A way to see RL in myth and maybe get a hang of things in Rl through the myths.

      Have you ever read Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes? Intriguing way to view fairytales, fables and myth.

      Unicorns and mermaids… things which I associate with narcissists as they tend to love mythological creatures because they see themselves as mythical beings who exist is real life. I’ve kind of kept my distance from those particular mythic beings… but they have a message to impart if we’re listening… depending on how we listen 🙂

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  7. Speaking on my own behalf, I am delighted to have crossed paths with you, Urslua. (Meaning…I think you’re a wonderful, beautiful, charming little unibrokorn). Though I don’t comment as much as I used to, I still read your posts and consider you my philosophical counselor. It’s not that I don’t want to comment, but that I have been a little overwhelmed with all that’s going on and in order to maintain focus, I have to put blinders on, as it were.

    The day-to-day can seem so mundane, yet you’re always faithful with a yummy mental snack, encouraging me to think outside the lines and see things from different perspectives. Even more than that, you speak to my soul…

    I know you lived through a difficult childhood, and it brought you pain. For that I’m sorry, truly. But if pain brings beauty, that explains why you’re a glorious Supernova.

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    • Thank you 😀

      What a wonderful compliment!

      Frankly I never expect anyone to read what I write (except myself), so when people take the time to do so I am always pleasantly surprised, deeply touched and grateful. ‘Likes’ and comments are beautiful bonuses!

      We all have very busy lives, we need to filter – ‘to put on blinders’ – or else we’re torn apart by everything which needs, wants, our attention. We need to focus on what is important to us… which includes ourselves and we really should have ourselves as the first attention stop on our list, because everything else flows from there.

      I’m actually okay with my childhood, it is a font of inspiration for my adulthood. And if I compare it to the childhood my parents, and my ancestors had… mine is a piece of piss, and I’m being whiny 😉

      I don’t actually know anyone who had an ‘easy’ childhood, maybe it’s not supposed to be easy, because life isn’t easy… maybe easy is just an ideal, an illusion.

      Thank you very much for reading, be sure to take good care of yourself as that means I’ll have more insightful posts of yours to read (thinking of you because I’m thinking of me). 🙂

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