I probably shouldn’t post this post. That’s why I’m doing it.
A short while ago I posted this – A Very Human Enlightenment. By my own standards of post ratings for my own posts, it’s okay but just okay. I could have done better, but… shrug. It’s Christmas and my brain is on holiday.
I’m sort taking a break from my blog, which is of course why I’ve done more posts today than in recent weeks. I mentioned in another post how contrary I am – Contrary to Popular Belief. I find that trait lovable and effing annoying.
Anyway, I decided to post – A Very Human Enlightenment – on my tumblr as well as my WordPress. Just because, they’re my blogs and they’re powered by all sorts of tech stuff, but by me too. So… you know.
I did a few more tumblr posts. Then took a leave of absence to do some offline stuff. Offline stuff sorted. I decided to check on how my posts were doing. A very blogger thing to do. And… I’m going through a bit of a change and rethink, so feedback is helping me to clarify that. And so on…
I saw that my most recent writing post on tumblr had quite a few notes, so I checked them out and saw someone had reblogged and added to the reblog. Boy had they added!
I’ve come across this particular blog before, but they don’t know that. It was a while ago. My conclusion then is the same one I have now. I’ll leave you to draw your own conclusions if you’re curious and have a few minutes to spare.
Their reblog of my post and their view of it: LINK
If you’ve ever had a relationship with a Narcissist, and are trying to understand WTF happened, and want to look at an interaction between a Narcissist and an ordinary human, this is a slightly interesting case study.
This person decided to take me to pieces even though they do not know me or give a shit about me. Narcissists are hyper-sensitive souls. They took my post and stretched it out of context, off into the deep end of drama.
They have a point. Somewhere. Usually I have found that Narcissists turn up in my life at crucial turning points. So, maybe that’s the point. Reminding me of something or other. Like be myself because… why not?
Enjoy the crazy and don’t take it personally. I haven’t. Narcissists are always talking about themselves, no one else exists. Which is really a relief as their world is one made up entirely of pain.
And to think I wasn’t even trying to piss of a Narcissist… that’s how easy it is to get under their thin skin. I’m weirdly chuffed by this.
Let me know what you think, or not. It’s up to you.
Wow. Just… wow.
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That’s the first reaction I had 😀
Once they start, it’s like being run over by a bulldozer, isn’t it? Thanks for posting this: it makes me feel a little less crazy, thinking for so long that it was just me.
Thank you. I grew up in that kind of crazy, and yes, you end up thinking it’s you and they agree that it’s you, they’re so sane of course, and you suffer all kinds of internal hell which is worse than the external hell, but it’s not you it’s them, and the moment you see that and it sinks in, you get this release which becomes a bulldozer of its own (more like a juggernaut) and it gradually frees you, building momentum, and eventually crushes their insane BS under your rapidly running feet which are carrying you off to a liberating place where they can’t exist but you can and do so with great relief. Something like that 🙂
Yep, that sounds familiar. If only the effects didn’t linger so long. Then again, for me it’s only been months since I escaped. I’m finding much comfort in blogs like yours. Thank you. 🙂
Your blog struck a nerve with this person so much that they felt compelled to tirade about you & your opinions. They even acknowledge in the rant , that these are just your opinions that they take offence to. Interesting….. You gotta wonder what’s behind all that FOR THEM.
And also want to add that Narcissists turn up in my life at crucial turning points also. Big time.
This makes me think that :
A. perhaps when we are at turning points and and the Universe is involved , Ns are sort of given to us as a part of the challenge in our navigation of the new chapter
B. At turning points we are more vulnerable since we are navigating new terrain so our guard is down and our attention is being focused in new ways so if NS are around , and you tend to be an N magnet, it prime scenario to drawn in to one.
For me I believe its both . For many reasons.
They were not tirading about me and my opinions, they were just ranting about themselves and their opinions. It had absolutely nothing to do with me or my post, and everything to do with them and their post. They simply used my post as a podium for their lecture. If it hadn’t been my post, it would have been someone else’s post, they were looking for a focal point to begin their rant that day. They were looking for someone else’s words to press the trigger on what was ready to spew. My guess is, the nerve was hit by something in their offline life and they went online to find an outlet for it.
It’s a good example of the dynamic of – what you actually said versus what the narcissist heard. The narcissist never hears a word that you say – that person did not read my post at all – what they hear is the loud chatter going on in their head which they feel compelled to share with an audience because everything they think is so important, as are they… but they need that acknowledged.
Narcissists tend to use other people to support their identity. They take your identity and use it to create theirs. Their preferred method is black versus white, good versus bad, negative versus positive, wrong versus right, etc. They need you to be wrong so that they can be right, without you being wrong how can they prove how right they are… for a narcissist this is a dilemma. Once they get going, once they have someone to use as their identity marker, then they go off on a long and convoluted lecture of how wonderful they are compared to that person and everyone else.
Narcissistic people are everywhere, we all have the trait, we’re just not all committed to it the way that narcissists are. For narcissists it is everything, for the rest of us, the narcissistic side is just a slice of all of us. So meeting a narcissist, or someone who is very narcissistic, is fairly common. They only become a ‘turning point’ meeting for us when the meeting with them coincides with a shift in our awareness. Otherwise we’d just chalk it down to a random meeting with yet another narcissist.
Still, it’s an intriguing way to view it, and perhaps worth exploring 🙂
Wow, this guy [person?] went all personal on you!! NARC is right — I could barely skim through the bottom half of his garbage. And so quickly! I found the few words you wrote about narcissists quite poetic & your words about enlightenment open & honest. If that idiot thinks he’s anywhere close to enlightenment then he should go live as the hermit that he notes NARCs prefer — real ‘enlightened’ humans don’t want him near us. 😉
Thank you 😀
I was surprised at the strong reaction the person had because I didn’t think my post said anything worth frothing at the mouth about, but then I thought it was kind of ironic because they proved the point that Adyashanti’s article (from which I sourced the quotes I used) was making about enlightenment and some people’s attitude towards it. Overall though I found their reaction fascinating because it’s rare for someone to openly admit they are a Narcissist and proud of it. It gives a different perspective on the condition.
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so glad you are writing back again- well done!
See, you have an amazing insight and you understand the N dynamics so well that people feel they should “defend themselves”, with an illogiacal logic with is their main feature.
thank you once again as you are showing everybody as it works, and with patience we’ll get rid of all these destroying personalities in our lives.
Since I have been reading your post i feeel everything is so much clear and it’s like breathing fresh air and reconsidering, as you say, i am just human, I wasn’t on the pathological side my parents have tried to feed me with for so long.
I really hope you are feeling better and i do appreciate your presence.
Thank you 😀
Embracing being thoroughly human is the best thing which ever happened in my path to healing myself which is why I love being an ordinary human so much, unenlightened warts and all. Accepting pain, and mess and all of the experience of just being and doing. I am still very tired, but that’s okay because being tired is human 😉 and normal and natural and rest will sort it out!
Growing up with Narcissistic parents you always feel pressured to be above being human, because being human is not good enough, Narcissists can’t stand their human self, they need to be superior to the human condition, superhuman, and of course Narcissistic parents expect their progeny to be something special (even though they spend a lot of time trying to destroy their creation and letting it know that it is the worst thing ever). They’re like mad scientists trying to create the perfect being, but the being keeps letting their quest for perfection down and making them look stupid.
This incident was very intriguing, because although they used me to vent their NPD spleen, I was completely outside of it all. An observer seeing how NPD works without getting sucked into and caught in the gears of the machine. And it fascinates me to find a Narcissist so willing to openly admit that they’re a Narcissist, and voice what so many N’s think but rarely say publicly and in print in a way which is hard to deny that they’ve said what they’ve said. An interesting case study.
You too take care of yourself, and trust the path you’re on, your greatest guide is yourself!
I just read the persons diatribe to your blog. To summarize what I got out of the reply: ” I hate myself, I hate you, and you should hate you too as I hate myself.” Yep 100% Narcissistic.
I enjoy your blog and you are kind to the people who you communicate with. I think you have a good soul. Hate and fear will distort and destroy a soul.
Thank you 😀
Yes, I got the same message as you did from them. So much spleen and over so little. Very NPD. Intriguing though because they’re very open about being a Narcissist, most of the N’s I know never view themselves as being Narcissists and certainly wouldn’t boldly admit it and say how they feel about other people so publicly, usually N’s are more cautious, when they say this kind of thing they do it behind closed doors and make sure there is never any evidence of what they’ve said so they can deny it convincingly.
Well at least they admit they are damaged and dangerous… It kinda blows my mind that on some level they know they aren’t healthy and yet spend endless convoluted arguments in self justification. I find what you write about narcissism amongst the best and most insightful writing on the web. Keep on writing… its helping a hell of a lot of people attain clarity.
Thank you 😀
Most Narcissists have an awareness of their NPD, but it is usually more latent, it’s a subconscious awareness, and not so blatant. So I find what they did and said rather interesting. Most of the N’s I know play the victim and truly believe that they are a victim of others, that they are good and everyone else is bad. Although I have heard a couple of malignant N’s say things like this, but they never do it openly and in print because they like to cover their tracks so that everything can be denied. It’s actually a very fascinating view of a Narcissist if you remain detached from it and from the reaction it is trying to provoke.
Damaged and Dangerous is the name of my tumblr, I got the name from the Josephine Hart quote – Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive. Because I think that those who’ve been in a relationship with a Narcissist, as damaging as it can be, always rise up stronger and more aware of how strong they are, and that is a positively dangerous thing to know, it is especially dangerous to N’s. 🙂
His statement, “Narcissists are self-protective to a fault”….hmmm. I think we can all be self-protective. That alone is not what makes someone a Narcissist. He says that Narcissists see themselves as a part of everything. I think we all do, unless it’s something we can’t stomach, such as genocide and home invasions.
I think what he is looking for is for someone to tell him it’s okay to use people in the same manner as renewable resources. That it’s okay to take away someone’s self of worth in order for him to have it. If we all self-protected in this manner, where would that leave us as a society?
His accusation that you are conforming to the norm implies that you, and all of us for that matter, have some hidden desire to be like him.
Hell yeah you were hurt by a Narcissist.How the fuck dare he assume that as a whole, we are weak and ‘less than’ because his opinion is that people such as himself should be allowed to destroy lives for the sake of their self-protection. There I go again…projecting. Oops.
Anyway, it seems rather obvious that he is feeling especially snitty because someone outed him and he has lost his emotional punching bag and you were the easiest and most satisfying target du jour. Supply via internet…it’s almost comical when I think about it. Imagine a Narcissist who can’t find ANY friggin’ supply in his immediate circle and is thus forced to hunt down someone like you in order to get his rocks off.
Oh, I almost forgot, “That’s why you don’t like us. Because if, and when I am going to do something to you, I’ll spell it the fuck out FOR YOU, so that you are sure to get it right on the relay.” I’m still trying to let that one sink in. Everyone who’s anyone knows the Narcissist doesn’t spell it the fuck out for us. We don’t get it on the relay…In fact, we don’t get it at all until we find ourselves under the bus.
Your comment make me split my head open smiling 😀
It’s an interesting study case, very few Narcissists are this open about being Narcissists because they don’t usually see themselves as Narcissists and thus own up to it, and they’re constantly protecting themselves and covering their tracks and doing that – I didn’t say what you heard me say, you must be imagining it all dance. And it illustrates perfectly how Narcissists take something ordinary, which most of us wouldn’t bother about, and create a huge drama out of nothing which has an end of the world is nigh feel to it. It’s actually fascinating in a Narcissist collapsing in on themselves kind of way. The black hole inside is swallowing them up. Rare to see it so publicly.
When I first saw it, I was very much in the WTF happened place, but then I realised that it’s the usual NPD stuff and I detached. My father used to say things like that about people, but always in private, in public he was a lover of all people. And the drama levels remind me of my mother, but she never said anything like that about other people, she was a saint and martyr and kept that going constantly because she was always on stage, although she liked to tear me apart like that when she was stressed and needed some immediate supply.
The detached observer in me found this fascinating. The very human me saw it as a reminder to keep being myself and weather the NPD storms which try to throw me off course 🙂
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Wow. Interesting to see the verbal take down posted. Usually my memory is the only recorder of the event. I was able to see the hate, disdain, supremacy, arrogance, belittling, venomous spewing, stomping and … All right there in slow motion for me to really grasp. I could feel where he wanted to suck you in and destroy you. Thank you for sharing this. I am learning so much through you and I want you to know I am treasuring this time with you.
Thank you 😀
That’s partly the reason I posted it, because when we’re caught up in a blitz attack from a Narcissist it is difficult to see the dynamic of it and get a clear view of what is actually happening. And after the fact, since most Narcissists tend to deny that it ever happened, or they argue that our memory and version of the event is wrong and it didn’t happen the way we think it did, we tend to doubt our own recollection of the event and we reason it all away, or we’re still reeling from it and the ensuing confusion so clarity eludes us.
So, this is like a frozen moment similar to those nature shows which capture wildlife in slow motion action. Narcissist attacks are a bit like shark attacks. You’re swimming peacefully in the water, and then wham, they surge out of the depths, bite you, tear a limb off, decide you taste disgusting, bite you again for tasting disgusting, and then leave you to bleed to death.
I was also a bit surprised that a Narcissist would expose themselves so publicly, they are usually more cunning and do this sort of thing in private so that there are no witnesses and it can all be denied. They prefer to maintain a perfect and good public image. Maybe that’s what this person thought they were doing, showing how perfect and good they are. It’s odd, but I’m glad they shared what they did. It’s often hard to explain what Narcissists do, but this shows it clearly.
I think that seeing something which has happened to you happen to someone else, from a detached observer perspective, is a good way to get a clear view of the workings of something like Narcissistic personality disorder.
Perhaps spelling it out is spelled…U-N-D-E-R T-H-E B-U-S…stranger things have happened…
My dictionary seems to agree 😉
that reply matches right up to what you said in the other post about authenticity. this person has so much lack of authenticity in their life that they don’t even believe that it exists — all that talk about humans being bullshit machines and being a hypocrite, etc etc. well, i feel for them, they are doing all they know how to do, but at the same time it’s incredibly ignorant. here’s hoping they find their own turning point…
and thanks for the case in point.
When Narcissists attack you with a word storm more often than not you get caught up in the moment reacting to the attack and defending yourself, especially as most attacks from Narcissists are sudden, one minute everything was fine the next minute all hell has broken loose, it’s a blitz attack, the emotional intensity is violent and overwhelming, and since their word storms tend to be very chaotic and contradictory it ends up confusing you, and at the end of it you feel wiped out and violated. They on the other hand feel much better because they’ve released the intense pressure which built up inside them.
When we recover from a Narcissist’s attack we can’t go over what happened to understand it because it’s all a blur, the confusion lingers, and if we confront them about it to talk the incident over, they often pretend that they have no idea what we are talking about, that we’re crazy, nothing happened, and we’re making a big deal about nothing (which is what they did – they always talk about themselves and every accusation they make towards others is a confession).
So something like this is like a moment frozen in time and able to be observed from a detached viewpoint and studied for understanding by those who’ve been caught in the storm of a Narcissist attack. It gives an alternate perspective on it as you can watch the storm rage from a safe distance.
At the core of a Narcissist, of what they do and say, is fear, the size of their word storm (tantrum, attack, rage fit) tells you how big the fear within which they are reacting to is – it’s a measuring device of sorts – and if you can freeze their words and review them you can see what fear they are reacting to because they tell you, and they are using basic encryption – as in they talk about you or other people, but it’s always about them.
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A narcissist is a hermit…yeah right??!!! You know thats ish. Don’t we wish that were really true as there would not be so much mayhem left in their wake.
OMG! You just gave me an idea! The Zen of Narcissists! I’m effing doing this as a blog post series… if I can be bothered and have time to do it… and the ability to twist my mind into that shape!
In some way Narcissists are hermits because they live disconnected from real people, but they hate being alone with only themselves for company so they inflict their company on others. You know – Misery loves company. 😉
I’d love to see that series if you feel up to it. Like Deborah said above, your writing on Narcissists is the best out there. And yeah you’re right, hermits in their own miserable world. LOL 🙂
I tried one out already 😉 Aries go go go go energy coursing through my veins! And since in Chinese astrology this is the Year of the Horse… and the astro on this year is off the charts… might as well dance in the storm!
Who would have thought that growing up with Narcissists for parents would become an useful skill!?! Chiron, that’s who! 😉 Chiron opp Asc – Gifts (from the wound)!
Thank you! ♥
[…] term was Word Storm and my God if you have ever been exposed to a six page “rage” (I used to call them hate […]
Playing games with a sick narcissist is not only dangerous but a stupid way to go. Anyone who is a “real” expert will tell you to leave ASAP. Go.
It is sick to play games with the sick.
If you are open to oppposiing comments you will post this. Let’s see.
That’s a rather ‘game playing’ and ‘manipulative’ thing to say.
However I agree, although I’d phrase it differently, with your original comment. If we can avoid having to deal with someone who is ‘playing games’ then it is best to do so, but sometimes we can’t avoid it and we need to learn how to deal with it in a way which is healthy for us.
Absolute insanity! I just broke up a five month relationship with a NPD. What a nightmare! They are cruel, crazy people. Now, I have to ensure that he is blocked from my email and my phone. His thinking was distorted; there wasn’t an honest word that came out of his mouth; and all he did was talk about himself. I saw a funny joke the other day that described it very well…..”Now, enough talk about me,……what do you think of me?”
Glad to hear that you are out of the nightmare. It can sometimes be difficult to leave a narcissist, especially if you do the breaking up, because they tend to hang on and can be obsessive.
And yes, it is always all about them 24/7.
The first time I came across the joke you mention was in an advert on TV for the Yellow Pages, it was for Vanity Cases and it had a group of people all talking at the same time all about themselves and no one was listening. It’s very apt for narcissists – all talk and no listening. 🙂
If you haven’t already been to – http://letmereach.com/ – you might enjoy reading through some of Kim’s posts, she writes a lot about dealing with the aftermath of breaking up with a narcissist, with an emphasis on taking care of yourself. She gives lots of advice about maintaining No Contact.
[…] and fast. I also found “Letters” (or as Ursula from the upturned soul blog calls them “Word storms”) send as comments on my blog in which my sister, in a brutal attempt at smearing, tried to […]
To be able to say – “Other people are just (Insert insane content here).” – is really interesting. You, as just one person, feels they can sum up EVERY person on the planet, in just one sentence. Narcissist are indeed special and rare, but what they believe is their “badge of honor” is really a “scarlet letter”, and the fact it is often worn with such pride, is possibly the greatest irony of severe narcissism.
If you have a curious enough mind, you can lose yourself in other people. Just trying to understand the mind of any one person can be source of endless satisfaction, sometimes love, and other times loathing. It can be so bad that one can lose themselves, swimming in all the different realities in the minds of others. To even truly know a few people is quite a feat, but to be able to truly know EVERYONE? So well in fact, that you can sum them up in one sentence? These are people who would barely get their toes wet, and tell you the depth of the ocean only goes to the first knuckle of their pinkie-toe. They don’t swim, they just hurl rocks, like an angry five year old, blaming the ocean for not being able to swim.
I think the fear of confusion is a very common fear in people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). To have 100% correct answers, 100% of the time, even in the face of indisputable, contrary facts, appears to be a theme. It is a loveless life, a grey existence, masquerading as ultimate love, the most colorful way of being.
Reading the thoughts of a narcissist is very dark, like watching a moth guide itself to the flame. Only self-immolation awaits, but watching how certain brain programming results in a fiery-meltdown, shows the brain does not always act to its own benefit.
Thank you for sharing 🙂
I agree with you that no one can sum up anyone else, trying to do so is a folly but a folly which all humans attempt as a way to try to make what is complicated and often confusing a little less complicated so as to try to bring a little clarity to the fog of confusion and understand others, ourselves, life, what all of this means, maybe, if such a thing is possible. Perhaps the impossibility of it and the illusion that it might be possible is what makes us try to do it. Humans do like to try to bring order to chaos, even though chaos has an order all of its own.
Perhaps in our efforts to understand others we may find a greater understanding of ourselves, or maybe not. Curiosity springs eternal, and all humans are fascinating. It is indeed easy to lose ourselves in others as we explore, but sometimes we find ourselves… or at least a small fragment of ourselves… while we are lost in another.
I grew up with parents who were narcissists (please note that is just my view of them, from my personal angle of perception). The incident which I related in this post reminded me of quite a few of the incidents in my childhood and later years when interacting with my parents. I would share something which interested me, which I was curious about and exploring (as I did in the post which caused this person on tumblr to write their own post about mine) and one or the other or both of my parents would take what I had shared and create something else out of it… which often left me reeling (especially when I was very young and the world of human relationships was a complete mystery).
You are right, the thoughts of a narcissist are very dark, and self-immolation does that way lie when we become a part of their thoughts. On occasion that fire can benefit us by burning away our illusions, most of the time though it just burns, and keeps burning even when the flames have been doused.
Excellent points, thank you!
I forgot to ask, and I’m very curious about your answer – What lead you to this post? Were you searching for something in particular or was this a link someone shared? And what made you decide to comment?
I hope you won’t mind me asking.
I really should ask this more often, this is just a personal blog and sometimes I forget how things spread across the internet.
This is really interesting. “The thoughts of the narcissist are very dark.” This one got me thinking a lot. At times I have had very dark thoughts, most especially when hurt or pissed off with someone. On an astrological bent, it could have to do with Moon Saturn inconjunct Pluto. Yesterday I was trying to write a post about my own narcissism as I was lately concerned after a lonely Christmas that maybe I was all alone because I was too dark for others to want to be with. This went along with some kind of inner purification, I was literally loosing blood from the nose and coughing up clots of dark substance, like something from a horror movie while being pushed and pulled apart. I had decided to have Christmas separate from my family and my sister had some king of meltdown when her son tried to get her out of bed and got angry for her ruining Christmas with her own sadness. (We lost my father around this time of year, so its never easy). Sorry to have latched on here, but when I read that comment about dark thoughts it scared me somewhat, as I feel, that may be cursed too with the narcissism of my family in some way. Ursula with your deep insight can you provide any light here?
Or maybe I answered my own question. I did not feel safe to go, for if I showed any sadness it may have invited anger from someone because of their own defences? Or was I holding onto sadness which when liberated would have bought light? Could narcs stay in the dark thoughts as a defence against opening, vulnerability, connection?
Answering our own questions is where our individual wisdom resides, only we can know our own truth, others can only offer their perspective, which can be insightful, however they live in their inner world and we live in ours, and though the twain sometimes share parallels and sometimes meet momentarily, others can’t tell us what is inside of us only we can do that for ourselves.
The thoughts of narcissists are dark, and the darkness tends to eclipse the light within and without. However narcissists aren’t the only ones with dark thoughts, all humans have a dark side to their nature. There are many types of darkness, some of which are creative and nurturing, some are destructive and suck the life out of life, and so on. So just because your thoughts are dark does not make you a narcissist, it is a human experience.
There are a couple of articles you might find interesting:
This one is about people who choose to be alone at Xmas – http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-30512529
This one is about how others influence our moods – http://www.psychmechanics.com/2014/12/all-your-moods-and-emotional-states.html
Pain, the kind of pain which envelops us and traps us within it, can make us seem to be a narcissist, because pain is narcissistic – it’s asking us to be completely self-centred, wrapped up in our own world, but only while we process our pain, working our way through it to find a way to heal it.
Sometimes pain needs us to dive inside of it and feel it. At those times we may become a different type of person. That does not mean we will always be that way. So try not to judge yourself based on how you are experiencing yourself now.
You’ve had a lot happen in your life recently, and you’ve been acknowledging your own pain and what resides within it. Mourning that which needs mourning, letting the sadness be felt and expressed. This kind of darkness, especially if it has been kept suppressed, needs time to be worked through. Which is what you have been doing, honouring your melancholia. It can’t be rushed or turned off with a switch.
Choosing to be alone at Xmas, considering how you were feeling, seems to be a healthy approach, and not narcissistic. Considering how you may affect others with your sadness, is empathic, and also not narcissistic.
Had you gone to the family Xmas get together and loudly told everyone that you didn’t want to ruin their Xmas with your darkness, and then proceeded to make your darkness felt by everyone very prominently and weightily – sort of along the lines of what you described regarding your sister – that would have been narcissistic. Narcissists don’t usually like to be alone, and they like to share their misery generously and dramatically.
Sounds to me as though your family’s Xmas was best avoided. You’ve obviously spent Xmas with them before, therefore you know the Xmas family get-together routine – is that the kind of situation you wanted for yourself this year, or would you say that this year you made big leap in taking care of yourself and gave yourself the gift of opting out of the usual drama.
Of course when we give ourselves a gift like that… we may feel bad about it because we’re not doing what is expected of us (which would probably make us feel bad about ourselves too). It’s going against the learned grain, yet going with it may be going against the natural grain.
Is this question – Could narcs stay in the dark thoughts as a defence against opening, vulnerability, connection? – about narcissists or about a view you have of yourself which came from wondering about your own darkness and your own narcissism?
You’re not a narcissist, you’re going through a long dark night of the soul. It’s very different. When you’re ready, you’ll emerge and you’ll be ready to connect with others, for now, just take good care of yourself, be kind to yourself, trust yourself ❤
Thank you so so much Ursula..this is so true I cried reading it..because you affirned my path and being and journey. .ive been judged for the dark nighr I knew was that when it started was reading all I could about ..was why my marriage ended…it was giving myself a gift to be alone and centre deeply within at this profound time of year…thank so very very much.♡♥♡
Trusting your path… hardest challenge ever, but very worth it ❤
It is also interesting what you write about the battle that goes on between expectations we project and self listening, self honouring. Mum cried alot with me yesterday and said in her heart she felt it would have been best to stay home but she went along due to others expecations (projected from her, I think Aquarius south node Mars by transit bang on it at present and mine too)..Mum can spend time alone I think its astrong need of strong Saturn but she battles that impulse at times. My sistee even told ne she felt she should nit have gone either. It went badly as neither honoured their own need as I did, becauae there is a lot of grief for us all at present. You understood so deeply. All you weote spot on ♥
Ugh! Expectations! They always haunt us and cause us to doubt what we know, especially when they come from others and we are tuned into what others want from us… and feel ashamed, guilty, a lesser being, for not meeting them. And yet… the expectations which others impose on us are often due to them passing on what is being done to them and they can’t deal with it so they pass the parcel, the hot potato… and everyone gets burned by the hot potato… no one opens the parcel, it just keeps getting passed around and around as though whatever is in it is something no one wants or is too afraid to want or….?
We sometimes make other feel guilty about doing what we wished we were doing instead of what we did… when in doubt, check the intentions, motives and hidden aspects of a situation and those involved. It may release you from the shackles of expectation… at least those imposed on you by others.
Trust yourself… you have awesome instincts!
Thanks also for the article on Christmas alone. There seems to be so much expectation around Christmas and so many people you talk too feel they would just like to pass the day quietly but cant due to expectations. For me its very much push pull. But I feel grateful and need some solitary time on Christmas which would not have been possible had I participated and when there were so many other underground emotions/expectations simmering around. Just about to go and read the other article you posted. 🙂
Mmmm great article on emotional contagion. It has been happening each time I get the sad phone call from my Mum. I am just an osmotic sponge for feelings, I know that. Its good to have a greater awareness around this. Strong Neptune to personals, strong Pisces, strong energy osmosis?? This really explains my need to be self contained which I am told off for a lot by others who don’t get it.
Very much an issue for those prone to absorbing others. We all do that, but some do it more than others. It needs to become more conscious, especially in those with overly empathetic bonds to others, with strong Neptunian tendencies.
Being that connected and influenced by others creates a lot of confusion and pressure, both for the person absorbing and for the person being absorbed.
How can we express our feelings if others absorb them? This is a puzzling conundrum, best solved by taking a step back and being self-conscious in a non-self-conscious way.
Christmas alone is… sometimes the best gift to give to yourself, and if others respect it, the best gift they give you. We all need time to connect with ourselves, especially nowadays when we’re always connected to everyone and everything, and often miss our connection with ourselves 🙂
Oi! I felt like I was trapped in a room with my ex-husband again! He is exactly like this – in fact, I could hear his voice in my head as I was reading! And what was I reading? Oh yeah – a rambling, convoluted, confusing, egocentric rant. And yes, so interesting that this person would publish this online. Quite out of character for a narcissist. But very, very instructive. 🙂
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I have to confess that I rolled my eyes when I read it, like with you, for me this kind of diatribe, directed at me or about someone else, is all too familiar. I used to get caught up in it, especially when one of my parents did this kind of thing, but eventually I realised that it does not require audience participation. It’s not about you or anyone else, it’s all about them. It’s their favourite tune on their inner playlist. Its purpose seems to be for them to release a build up of inner pressure, once the vent is over they feel so much better – a bit like letting out a giant fart which feels as though it might burst your gut if you keep it in.
It was unusual for them to admit to being a narcissist, however a certain type of narcissist does that as a power play, and it is a rather clever tactic. Claim the title which others fear and you become king/queen of the castle.
It is an intriguing insight into that kind of psyche, and I’m glad they did it and haven’t deleted it (narcs are prone to erasing their tracks).
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Ha! 🙂 I love the giant fart comparison! That is so, so true! My ex – narcissist did a giant mental fart on a regular basis – annoyance, irritation, disappointment and anger shadowed him constantly, so the hot air build-up was intense and pressurized!
I have a lot of those sort of comparisons, many of which I don’t share as they tend to be on the crude humour side… they kind of help to give me perspective, and have a chuckle which eases the serious load.
My mother used to describe her outbursts as though she was doing me a favour by having them, she gave them a noble quality which for a while I believed (until I got older and wasn’t 6 yrs old anymore). She was particularly enamoured by her view that she was so generous in forgiving me for being the butt she kicked when she needed to kick one. FFS!
My mom was seriously unpredictable. I never knew whether I was going to be hugged or whether I might need to dodge a missile. She loved to throw things. My mom was much more inclined to do the victim routine rather than the nobility bit, however. What a way for either of us to grow up.
My mother liked to do this dramatic sweeping gesture which knocked everything off shelves when she was having one of her tantrums, then she would announce that she’d yet again have to tidy up someone else’s mess. Apparently the mess she made was someone else’s fault – someone else had driven her to do what she did. And it always hurt her more than it hurt anyone else (which for a neat freak like her was probably very true).
She did this routine with me, with my father, and with others.
Her tagline was and still is – I’m always having to tidy up other people’s messes.
She was/is such a martyr to everyone else. It’s her cause celebre of sorts – all narcs have one, usually more than one. The victim is more than just a routine, it is a vocation, part of their cause celebre.
I sometimes (too often) wonder what I would been like, what my life would have been like, if I’d had different parents – it’s really impossible to imagine, but quite easy to fantasise about – but it’s a pipe dream created by thinking that a child might find their childhood easy. Growing pains are painful regardless. If it’s not narcissists as parents, it’s something or someone else.
And it sounds like your childhood was the earth upon which a magnificent seed grew into a beautiful human being 🙂
Thank you! 🙂
It’s very true that if it hadn’t been narcissistic parents it would have been something else. And I always remind myself that there are many others whose childhoods were (are) much worse than mine ever was.
There’s a paradox to everything. Give yourself credit where credit is due and make sure you’re listening when you do, but also keep an ear out for discrediting yourself (children of narcs do this a lot without noticing it as they were trained to do it for the benefit of the narc parent – it can be so subtle). You’re a wonderful human being – and that is due to you!
I used to use (and sometimes still do) the – it could be worse – tactic, but as much as that can put things in perspective it can also be a trap. You may end up not facing the effects of what you experienced due to dismissing it by comparison. You know you’re in pain, but you dismiss it because your pain is less than someone else’s. It can cause you to not acknowledge and validate your own experience, the consequences of which become hidden and cause undercurrents. We ignore our pain because it is less than someone else’s – but that does not mean that our pain is not important, yet sometimes we see it that way, and that can make us vulnerable to those with NPD.
Narcissists use that comparison to get others to defer to them – because their pain is always worse (reverse superiority and specialness) than others.
Our empathy and compassion – the positive aspects of comparison – become diverted into self-denial and being unempathic/sympathetic and a lack of compassion for ourselves – the negative aspects of comparison. We’re hard on ourselves and soft on others – relationships become unbalanced.
There’s a subtle pattern which is very telling. Narcissism does not validate the experience of others, it is all about itself and it is constantly competing for a very twisted prize, comparing to elevate itself by putting others down.
Acknowledge the pain and suffering of others. full stop. Acknowledge your own pain and suffering. Full stop. Don’t compare to evaluate which is better or worse. Compare to understand that pain and suffering is universal.
If you have the flu, you have the flu. You’re ill, in pain and are suffering. That’s that. If someone else has pneumonia or something worse, they’re ill, in pain and suffering. That’s that. Their pneumonia does not trump your flu – unless they’re a narcissist who has decided their cold is pneumonia because you have the flu and they need to be worse off than you to win the ‘game’ of life and illness. This scenario happened all the time in my family – it’s funny in retrospect, but the funny isn’t so funny when it’s happening and has domino effect consequences.
Honour yourself. Honour others. Beware of the dishonouring of narcissists and narcissism.
When we don’t admit we’re ill… we may end up passing our sickness on to others, because we get on a plane or go to work when we are contagious. We’re encouraged to do this by society – by narcissism in society. There’s a paradox in that.
Something like that 🙂
Wow. I am learning so much from you, Ursula. 🙂 It is true that I grew up with that – that my parents had it so much worse and that I had nothing to complain about. I’m really starting to get how unheard I’ve been (as my husband occasionally points out) which then leads to a devaluation of one’s own opinions and positions, which is something else that I’ve sometimes done to myself. My ex-narcissist used to really work that one. It is very true that we need to honour others and honour ourselves. Thank you so much for sharing your insight and knowledge. 🙂
There are many angles with which to view things, people, life, relationships, etc. The more we see, the more the whole picture comes into focus and begins to make sense.
Often the things which cause disruption, conflict and strife are subtle. Their effect is deep and strong, yet they themselves are easy to miss.
The more we see ourselves, acknowledge and validate ourselves, the easier it is to give that to others without lessening and taking away from ourselves (that’s a tad idealistic, but not too OTT with it).
Lol, wow! Your words really struck a nerve in that blogger, didn’t they?
It was a bit like accidentally setting off a volcanic eruption simply by picking a flower in its vicinity 😉
I have a narcissistic older sister I am 48 years old and I’m so glad I found out about this disorder she has made my life has been a living hell . I found the best ways to piss off a narcissist if you do something really nice for them and let everybody else see that and also find your happiness and don’t let him take it away from you and do it over the phone lol maybe even in another state or country I actually moved out of state because of my sister
Thank you for sharing 🙂
It can be a blessed relief to finally put a label on what you’ve been dealing with an entire lifetime. Seeing my parents as narcissists has given me the distance and information I needed to finally stop being stuck in a perpetual cycle of questions, which were more like flagellating myself with self-doubt. Sometimes you need an answer which may not be the best one (because a knowing that someone is a narcissist means they’ll never change or care) but which sets you free.
And yes, being nice to a narcissist can totally derail them, especially if your niceness benefits you 🙂
Thank you for answering you are very correct it , to put a label on it or what I’ve been dealing with my whole life and my mother also is a narcissist for so many years I thought it was me and that I was just crazy! I want to thank everybody for all the posts here because I’ve been reading them all. What was once blurry is now clear .
My sister pulled some crazy stuff on me the other day let’s just say I got very very ugly I asked God to please please shed some light on why she was this way and my mother for that matter and true to form I started googling things and this is what I found was your blog ! God surely answered my prayers!! And wouldn’t you know yesterday I received the text of how sorry she is and she loves me ! you have to be kidding me ! Same old song and dance trying to reel me right back in she can’t stand the thought of losing her victim! I can wonderfully say all ties now have been severed from both my sister and my mother. once again I thank everyone here for sharing! Dealing with two narcissists has in the past brought me to the thoughts of suicide. This blog has helped me so much. 😊
Dealing with narcissists does tends to lead to thoughts of ending the endless drama by taking yourself permanently out of it. I used to indulge in suicidal thoughts regularly.
I once came very close to acting on them, but stopped myself for two reasons in particular:
1. I was worried about the effect it would have on the person who found my dead body, as at the time the person most likely to find me was not one of the narcissists in my life but someone who didn’t deserve to have that kind of trauma inflicted on them.
2. Something warned me that my death would be used by the narcissists in my life to further their self-obsession and drama. Once again I’d be used the way they always used me only this time I’d be unable to scupper their plans in any way. Of course I wouldn’t be around to care, but while I still had life in me… the thought was very galling. It occurred to me that staying alive was rather a good form of revenge on them. It may be a petty reason not to kill yourself, but at the time it was something to cling to to stay afloat in a turbulent ocean.
Years later I read a book which made me realise that my desire to kill myself might not even have been mine, and that the narcissists in your life program you to self-destruct. It’s like they’re some ancient civilisation who needs someone to jump into a volcano as an offering to some crazed god to spare everyone else from the wrath of that god. Narcissists dump all their shit into you then encourage yout o kill yourself and take their shit as far away from them as possible. Once you’re dead they think they’ll be free of their shit, but… they aren’t and they find someone else to torture to death with their crap.
Going NC is a less self-destructive way to kill yourself off from their soap opera – because basically the real reason you want to die is to get away from them and their crazymaking.
NC does come with some complications. When I did it I had to deal with everything I’d suppressed while being hypervigilant and coping with my narcissist parents coming out of the places I’d hidden it. I cried more than I have ever cried in my life (and my mother taught me not to cry when I was a baby). It offers a time out for you to come home to yourself… that can be a very emotional time. So much to process which has been kept at bay for so long, but ultimately it’s an amazing gift to give to yourself.
The book I read was this one – http://andywhiteblog.com/2015/06/23/going-mad-to-stay-sane/ – I recommend it to children of narcissists because it helped me enormously to figure out my own story and to understand the narcissists in my life, the chapters about the Absent Father and Devouring Mother were spot on about my parents.
Take good care of yourself!
What i recently did with my separated Chinese wife that is definitely narcissistic, was after 5 months of her still playing games with me and lying constantly, i had reached the point where i had simply had enough, after getting an email from her when she visited her parents in china, telling me that recently she had sex with a man, yet 3 weeks earlier she had emailed me and said she was not at all going to date or have sex with anyone until our divorce was final next May. So i get this email and did nothing. no contact. Then she calls me from china, asking me if i know her library card number, cause she needs it to get into her gmail account. Like, oh sure, i know that, duh, no i don’t! Then she started arguing and when she started to say that i was terrible, i simply hung up. And then, as bizzare as it seems, she message me last weekend and suggested i move to China and live with her best girlfriend there, who evidently is rich etc, and always thought i was a great guy, and i thought ,WHAT??? And sent her a message saying that i have no interest at all in moving to china, that suggesting i go live with her best gf there, who will take care of me and i wont need to work cause she it wealthy, and of course the expectation i would have a relationship with her, i told her suggesting that to me is disrespectful and sick. Told her that i am sick and tired of being blamed 100% for the marriage ending, and that also i am tired of her treating me like i am garbage, yet just yesterday had told me in a message she will always care for me and be my friend. So i said, well, that is interesting, because true friends do not lie to each other always, they dont try and hurt each other, they dont cheat with each others spouse and deny it when the evidence is there, etc, etc. And as far as caring for me? Bullshit i said, i have found out u have been on the dating sites for like 5 yrs now, i know u have cheated and more than once, when u left me u went out and purposely did a smear campaign on me and made me look bad. And other stuff to numerous to mention. So I said, caring for me that way u can forget about it, that sort of care i do not need at all. Friends? I said with friends like u who needs enemies. And then told her, if by some unexpected action by God that made u want me back, well u can forget that also, never would i take u back, because i would never be able to beleive anything u say to me, and i would also never be able to trust u again. And also told her she is the biggest mistake i have ever made in my life, that she at first was the best woman i had ever met, but ended up the worst one of them all. And told her I am over the tears and heartbreak u gave me when u left me, u mean nothing to me now!
Well, wonders amaze me, she has not replied at all, so i think maybe i have now gotten her to despise me or whatever, and if i am lucky, i will never hear from her again!
Any comments would be appreciated
Oh, ha, wow. I deal with my narcissist ex regularly and this sounds just like him. The funny thing is that they accuse people of doing the very things that they do. Trying to tear you down, undermining your credibility, playing the victim while insisting they’re better than you…it’s all very textbook. Took me 15 years to see it, and I didn’t know it was such a textbook thing until some years later. They’re also very insulting. I was waiting for an F bomb to appear and bam – there it was, halfway down the page, with piles more to follow. Such venom. Such writhing. I feel sorry for them…but my experience has made me immune to those games, thank goodness. Well. The world is your mirror, as they say. I wish them all peace. Thank you for your post and illuminating the common thread that good people get trapped in narcissists’ spheres all the time, in all the same ways…but there IS a way out. That horrible experience DID lead to a shift in my awakening, and I love every single day not spent in the company of one. Interesting idea also that at subsequent turning points, those vulnerable to Ns will meet another one…I can vouch for that.
Thank you very much for sharing 🙂
Oh my goodness me what an idiot.
What a load of tosh.
Get back under your stone.
Predators the lot of you and you know it.
You were given a human body…you should be proud not an arse (funny how a narc I met in Portsmouth hated being called that), oh how I would love to name him..but he was born in 1973 ..oops!
Also your right you do know what your up to (this narc had a shark tattoo on his left upper arm) and a minging little man (narc) he was…soul destroyers but pleased to say I was clued up so my soul I kept. I even found out he has a partner and baby…to top it all off I know he was after his next victim while still around me (found out following me telling him goodbye). I could not believe anyone but children are capable of the lies..OMG the lies and F words..but humans are clever..Narcs need to grow up (frustrating being 6 years old forever one would think)
What is hard to believe is there is bullshit amoungst us lovely human beings
So human being raise your glass to a perfect life…the next time one of them comes close..just say…move on!! 😊
Thank you for sharing 🙂
Reblogged this on Stalked Online All of The Time: The True Story With A Real-Time Cyber Crimeline By, L. Mary Dagan-Foxman.
Thank you very much 🙂
Unfortunately, I’ve spent the better part of a year with a woman who is a complete, all about herself narcissist. Because initially they tend to be great actors and actresses that put up a very likeable and believable front, It took me some time before I realized what I was contending with. But, once I did, I decided that it was time to show her to the door, and end my physical and emotional exhastion. After doing a little research on her type, I tried the sit back, do nothing and ignore her approach. Low and behold, it’s all true! The best way to piss off a narcissist is to do nothing…simply ignore them and cut them right out of your life! Once they realize that you’ve actually cast them aside and gotten on with your life, they turn into sociopathic freakazoids from another planet! It took about 3 weeks until she realized that I really wasn’t contacting her in any way. After that, she started using any excuse to text me, call me, contact me, take short text conversations and extend them, yadda, yadda, yadda. After being ignored for days at a time, all of a sudden I was the most important man on the face of the world to her! Wow, what a miraculous turn of events! At this point, I’ve let her know exactly where she stands with me…no where! She has been blocked on my phone, my various Facebook pages, my friends ignore her, my family wants nothing to do with her and she’s out in the cold forever! Maybe now that I’ve served her a healthy dose of her own behaviour, maybe she’ll wake up, go get some help and get her life together? But, I doubt it! It’s all about her, she’s always right and everyone else is always wrong. That’s okay, she’s not part of my life anymore…she can be someone else’s headache from here on out. Bye, bitch! 🙂
Thank you for sharing 🙂
I grew up with parents who were that way. You could annoy them just by sneezing, or even breathing a little too much or too loudly. They’re very hyper-sensitive souls.
Mentioning sneezing reminded me of one of the regular things which used to happen in our home. If I got a cold, my mother would suddenly have the flu, and my father would then get pneumonia. Funnily enough though they’d recuperate quickly once they’d won the illness competition or if they felt they’d lost to a better player and needed to move on quickly from that loss so as to not draw attention to it. Narcissists are very competitive and that competitiveness can take on some very strange forms.
If they get your undivided attention, they win, you love them and their focus moves on to those who aren’t paying attention to them, those who don’t love them… yet. They’re constantly on the lookout for people who are ignoring them because they can’t stand being ignored (however they do a lot of ignoring, and never put two and two together in a logical manner). For them being ignored is akin to not existing because they need other people to confirm that they exist, and they don’t just want to exist they want to be the most important person who has ever existed.
They’re the person on Twitter who is more concerned about those who unfollowed them than those who are still following them. They’re the person on Facebook who has a meltdown because a post about what they had for lunch didn’t get any Likes.
They need your attention to validate them, but they don’t tend to return the favour because they’re too caught up in getting more and more attention and validation. They will however give you lots of attention in pursuit of getting it for themselves, but once they’ve got it they don’t need to give it to you anymore, your attention is a box that has been ticked, they have it and they’re off pursuing those who aren’t giving it to them. Take your attention away and they’ll panic and return to you to get it back.
They’re not averse to getting your attention the negative way, although they like positive attention, sometimes they prefer negative attention because it’s more intense and obsessive and less likely to go away once got. Once they piss you off you’ll never forget about them.
It’s a strange experience to be in a relationship with a narcissist. It can start off like a dream come true, they’re everything you’ve ever wanted in a person and they make you feel as though you’re the most special being to have walked the earth. It’s painful and confusing to lose that as the ivory tower crumbles. But ultimately it’s a lesson worth learning as they give us an appreciation for all those other people in our lives who aren’t narcissists.
I was talking to my friend about if im could come over to his house. Then he said I was being a narssisist and said I have ODD even tho he starts most of the problems
Mine disappeared after No Contact from me following a cruel rage episode.
He quickly began a new relationship which cemented the end of our fake relationship, so I thought.
Three months later hoovering began, I have used the grey rock technique but two years on he still won’t go away. Blocking makes him livid and he attempts direct contact – a worse option so I’ve unblocked him.
Logic is wasted I’ve tried to explain he is in a relationship, his rage is barely hidden now it’s frightening (very)
Thank you for sharing 🙂
I had to look up the ‘grey rock technique’ as I hadn’t heard that particular buzzword. From what I gather by looking it up and reading this:
“For all these situations, we have Gray Rock.
What it is:
So, how do we escape this parasitical leech without triggering his vindictive rage? Gray Rock is primarily a way of encouraging a psychopath, a stalker or other emotionally unbalanced person, to lose interest in you. It differs from No Contact in that you don’t overtly try to avoid contact with these emotional vampires. Instead, you allow contact but only give boring, monotonous responses so that the parasite must go elsewhere for his supply of drama. When contact with you is consistently unsatisfying for the psychopath, his mind is re-trained to expect boredom rather than drama. Psychopaths are addicted to drama and they can’t stand to be bored. With time, he will find a new person to provide drama and he will find himself drawn to you less and less often. Eventually, they just slither away to greener pastures. Gray Rock is a way of training the psychopath to view you as an unsatisfying pursuit — you bore him and he can’t stand boredom.”
via – http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/
It’s basically boring your narcissist until they tire of you.
I didn’t realise that this tactic now had an ‘official’ name and was an ‘official’ technique for dealing with narcissists et al.
It’s actually something which I’ve done myself and occasionally recommend – but it very much depends on the narcissist you’re dealing with and what their relationship with you is about for them. It also depends on you and what your relationship with them is about for you.
This particular technique tends to work best with narcissists whom you only know casually and/or who aren’t that attached to you.
It can calm a narcissist whom you know more intimately by pouring water on their drama fire, but it can also rile them if they’re not used to this behaviour from you and if their ‘narc supply’ comes from getting angry at you.
As with all tactics and techniques which are advised for dealing with narcissists – whether they work or not depends very much on the narcissist with which you’re personally dealing.
Each narcissist is different as the narcissistic disorder is a part of a person and each person is different, thus their narcissism will be different. So something which works for one person with their narcissist may or may not work for you with yours.
It also depends very much on you – you too are different from others.
From the way that you’ve worded your comment it sounds as though you’ve been researching narcissists online quite a bit. While this is useful to do, you need to factor in personal information into the impersonal information you have gathered. The sites/books/articles and experts whom you have been reading do not know your particular narcissist, your particular story/situation/dynamic or you personally – they are giving generalised advice designed for all. Only you can personalise it – or a therapist whom you visit in person can help you personalise it.
For instance – you say that he disappeared after NC from you for 3 months. Was it the NC which made him go away or the ‘rage incident’?
He entered a new relationship. So in theory he was done with you (and this suited you because you were done with him). But then he returned – do you know why he returned? Somewhere in all his ‘hoovering’ he’ll have told you why he’s back. What does he get from you that he isn’t getting in his new relationship? Did he do this with someone else when you were his ‘new relationship’? Does he have an ex before you with whom he was obsessed – most narcissists repeat the same pattern over and over – and if he did what made him stop being obsessed with his ex before you?
Do you know why he is such an angry person? What lies behind the anger? What triggers it? What calms and/or stops it?
First I was open mouthed then I read it again and I’ve been p*ssing myself laughing ever since. My experience is being partnered with a narcissists target/victim. Not going into detail but I have absolutely no time for Narcs. Waste of skin.
Thank you for sharing 🙂
That’s pretty much how I reacted to it too when I first saw it. The mind boggled and then… sometimes laughter cures boggled mind syndrome 😉
After all this time I’m sort of surprised that post is still there and yet not surprised at all. Narcissists live in an alternate universe where they are great and everyone else isn’t.
I must admit I kind of admired this person’s moxie and dedication to the delusion, and not that many narcissists are so proud of being a narcissist, while also rolling my eyes because I grew up with this kind of nonsense and have heard it all before one way or another.
A narcissist’s routine can be fascinating at first especially if it’s new for you, but it eventually gets old and in the long run it’s boring, the same thing over and over and over ad nauseum ad infinitum.
I just recently broke up with a narc.she wants info on everything I am doing.who I’m seeing etc.but when I ask about what she’s been up to I get short answers only.”nothing exciting to report,I know she has a new supply.but can’t even admit she is seeing other people.which I should know better anyway cuz everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie.i need to do the no contact.its hard cuz I hoped for a change but I know it’s not possible.
Thank you for sharing 🙂
No Contact is indeed hard to do for many reasons, so don’t worry if you haven’t done it. You cared about this person and you can’t just turn the caring off. Sometimes continued contact after a break up is helpful as it reminds you why the relationship ended, what it was about them that made you end things, and if you’re still hopeful that she’ll change, become someone other than who she actually is, then even though it is painful you may need to see for yourself just how much she continues to be the same way.
Narcissists need to control their immediate environment and the people in it, and therefore her need to know everything you’re doing, who you’re seeing, and what you’re saying (especially about her), etc, is a typical behaviour, as is her not sharing anything about herself with you – this is also about control, narcissists are often paranoid about people knowing too much about them, they worry about how this will affect their self-image, persona, appearances, and how it could be used against them (the way they often use what people share with them about themselves against others).
Double-standards are the norm with narcissists. She needs to know everything about you, but you mustn’t know anything about her. She needs to have control over you, but you mustn’t have anything that could give you control over her.
If she has been playing the role of the one who was crushed by you breaking up with her, and has been trying to make you feel bad for breaking up, then she doesn’t want you to know that she has someone new in her life because this would contradict her story and ruin the effect it has on you. Also if she wants to win you back then you mustn’t know that she is seeing other people.
This is quite a good article about what happens when you break up with a narcissist – http://uk.businessinsider.com/what-its-like-narcissist-break-up-2017-2/#if-youre-the-one-who-chose-to-leave-on-the-other-hand-be-prepared-for-begging-pleading-or-bargaining-2
Take good care of yourself and be gentle with yourself!
Best way to drive a narcissistic sister bonkers….. send their pre-teen daughter your hand-me down clothes. Que the prerequisite conversation thanking you for the clothes, followed by the nSister’s whip lash conversation about how harddddd she is trying to lose weight which includes many very very detailed medical reasons as to why she can’t lose weight. Narc’s always feel the need to justify their “deficit” in any arena. You’ll know when you hit the magic “Red button”. Good luck discovering there’s 🙂
Thank you for sharing 🙂
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