What is The Silent Treatment ?

Are you a Narcissist?
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No…
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Then why are you taking the Silent Treatment personally?
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Why do you think that a Narcissist’s Silent Treatment is about you?
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It’s not about you.
It is all about them.

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Perhaps you’re D.U.I…or D.y.U.I.N… Driving yourself Under the Influence of a Narcissist?

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DUI of negative thoughts

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You should know that by now.
You should know by now…
after dealing with a Narcissist,
being in a relationship of some sort with them long enough to recognise that they’re giving you the Silent Treatment,
that the silence is not just silence…
regular silence,
golden silence,
that kind of silence which is enjoyable,
valued,
precious in a noisy world,
which is sought after,
especially by introverts and empaths,
and all those who need a bit of time to think,
unwind,
relax,
recharge,
etc…

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Quiet musings

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that the silence is not just silence…
but something more than that…
from your experience of interacting with someone whose Narcissism is unhealthy,
whose Narcissism is a disorder,

NPD,
and not just natural order which sometimes appears chaotic,
that nothing a Narcissist says or does is ever about you.
that the silence is not just silence…
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It is all about them.
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That silence is not about you… so why are you making it about you?
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That silence is about them.
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The world and everyone in it revolves around them,
and is as obsessed about them as they are.
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They need to believe that,
and so they do.
If they suspect that it’s not true…
Their version of reality cracks,
is in danger of falling to pieces,
it’s a very fragile entity,
and so are they,
they live in a permanent state of fear,
one from which they seek to escape at all costs,
and that includes sacrificing you…
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You don’t matter,
you don’t exist,
except as an extension of them.
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Everything and everyone exists only for them.
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According to them.
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So the silent treatment is not for you,
it is for them.
It is not about you,
it is about them.
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Why can’t you understand that?

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censorship

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The Silent Treatment serves several purposes,
for the Narcissist,
the last one of which is how it affects you…
that is an unexpected bonus which the Narcissist discovered accidentally and now uses deliberately,
but it is still not the primary reason for the Silent Treatment.
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It’s not about you,
how it affects you,
the effect it has on you…
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It’s about them.
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The Silent Treatment is a great big sulk.
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Why is the Narcissist sulking?
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Narcissists have many reasons to sulk,
the world keeps ignoring them,
keeps denying them,
keeps refusing to give them their due.
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It’s all about them,
the world revolves around them,
but the world refuses to acknowledge them,
their power,
their light,
their god-like,
Sun-like,
status,
as the centre of the Universe,
and so…
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So why are you taking the Silent Treatment personally?
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For several reasons,
one of which is that we’re all a bit Narcissistic…
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Wait before you jump to upset ‘I’m not a Narcissist!’ conclusions…
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Narcissism is a healthy human trait and phase of development, which we all have and pass through, and when it is in its healthy form of expression enables us to be proud of ourselves, recognise our individuality, our talents and abilities which are unique to us. Others may have similar talents and abilities, but they don’t bring what we bring to them. We’re adding our unique expression of life to the mix. That’s healthy. That’s healthy sharing and self-expression.
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We don’t think we’re better than others in a way which needs others to be worse than us, inferior because we suffer from an inferiority complex which needs…
..all the complicated bottomless pit of needs which NPD causes.
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When we think we’re better, it’s about proving it through positive action rather than through negative action. Creating rather than destroying, Producing rather than reducing. We actually enjoy the challenge of others being talented. If we think they’re more talented than us… we admire them without envy,
without destructive envy,
if we feel a pang of envy it is a spur for us to push us further in our own ability,
we don’t need to invalidate or destroy them,
our envy is admiration as inspiration,
rather than admiration as envy as demotivation which engenders dark desires to destroy.
Their ability encourages ours, challenges us,
to improve,
to refine,
to work harder,
to appreciate ourselves,
our voice,
and we love them for it.
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Through them we get to know ourselves.
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Them being healthy people,
them being unhealthy people,
them being people.
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In the Us versus Them…
we discover who the Us really is…
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And…
So…
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You can use your own healthy Narcissism to understand how unhealthy Narcissism works… and doesn’t work.
All you have to do is take your healthy Narcissism and…
warp it,
magnify it,
exaggerate it beyond logic and reason,
imagine the worst expression of yourself,
imagine yourself completely wrapped up in yourself unable to see anyone else’s point of view,
so selfish that your self-centredness blinds you to everything and everyone else, only you exist – devoid of empathy – that’s NPD.
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One of the most common reasons why we take the Narcissist’s Silent Treatment personally is due to empathy – a form of empathy which works in reverse.
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We’re not seeing things from their point of view – we’re colouring their point of view from our point of view.
We’re assuming that they are doing to us what we would be doing to them in the same situation and circumstances.
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We all use the Silent Treatment.

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Silent thunder - Rumi

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If you’ve never used the Silent Treatment…
you may never understand it…
it would have no impact upon you because you’re not tuned into to it at all,
you have no point of reference,
so the Silent Treatment would not bother you…
the only reason it bothers you is because you’ve used it,
you have a personal reference point,
you know why you use it…
so you assume that’s the reason that others use it,
but is it?
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Most of us learned the Silent Treatment when we were children.
Our parents did it to us…
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We had said or done something they considered to be wrong…
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Silence became their weapon,
of choice,
of reasoning,
of logic,
of sense,
of teaching,
a lesson…
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We learned from them how to do it,
and why to do it.
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We did it too…
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Relationships,
and the tactics used within them work both ways,
flow both ways.
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We do it too…
Because sometimes silence speaks louder than words,
sometimes silence says what we can’t say,
sometimes we can’t say what we want to say because we don’t have the words for it,
our verbal ability fails us,
it might betray us,
it might hurt someone,
it might hurt us,
it can be too complex…
pain is complex…
sometimes…
sometimes silence is the only way to express what we want to express,
sometimes silence is the only thing people actually listen to…
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Sometimes the Silent Treatment is a treatment for a problem…

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nothing at all

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We go silent when we’re angry, embarrassed, upset…
too upset for words,
too angry to speak,
too embarrassed of making even more of a mistake, a fool of ourselves,
digging a deeper hole…
so many reasons for going silent.
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We go silent for ourselves,
for others,
and then find that our silence has an effect on others,
more of an effect than words, than sound.
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Mostly when we use the Silent Treatment,
it is a treatment which seeks a cure in some way,
which seeks to be the cure for a problem which we want to resolve,
to fix.
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But the silence isn’t silent.

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Silence - Elbert Hubbard

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We want to talk things through,
find a solution,
a resolution,
explain our view, tell our side of the story,
be validated, acknowledged, heard…
once we’re heard, we’re usually willing to hear,
to validate and acknowledge the other side of the story…
maybe the situation was all a misunderstanding or something like that,
we want to live in harmony and work through the natural disharmony which sometimes occurs between individuals.
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Most people want to cooperate, mediate, understand, learn… to live together.
Equals, respecting equals.
Relationships flow both ways,
give and receive…
etc…
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However,
applying this kind of thinking and being to Narcissists…
Empathy… reverse empathy or otherwise…
our assumptions based on ourselves applied to them,
our version of the Silent Treatment applied to them,
gets us into trouble…
not with them but with ourselves.
we torture ourselves with our thoughts,
filling their silence with blame,
self blame,
because,
if we were giving someone else the Silent Treatment…
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But a Narcissist’s Silent Treatment doesn’t work the same way our version of it would work,
Narcissists operate differently from us,
if only we could understand that…
Our system…
has some logic to it, theirs is illogical,
has some reason for it, theirs is unreasonable,
makes sense, theirs makes no sense… is nonsense.
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Our Silent Treatment wants to find words to fill the silence,
eventually when we have found our words to explain our silence,
we speak and explain in a way,
to find a meeting ground where a truce,
cooperation between equals,
can take a problem,
share it,
and find a resolution for one and all…

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heavy silence

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The Narcissist’s Silent Treatment,
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The problems which a Narcissist has…
can’t be solved,
not by you,
or anyone else,
because they only exist,
in the reality,
created by a Narcissist.
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It’s all about them.
Always.
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Not about you or anyone else.
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The Silent Treatment of a Narcissist,
is only for the Narcissist,
it belongs to them,
they created it,
for themselves,
only they can solve it…
but why would they do that,
when it has so many accidental bonuses,
when it remains unresolved.
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The problem is the solution,
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Mind hacks for dealing with the Silent Treatment:
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1 – Don’t use empathy on a Narcissist.

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True Empathy

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Unless you can actually put yourself in the position of a Narcissist, think and see like a Narcissist, view the world, everything and everyone in it, from their point of view. In which case you would know their thoughts, their silence, is not filled with thoughts of you at all, but it’s all about them.
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Don’t assume they’re using the silent treatment the way that you would use it – they’re not.
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Don’t assume it is about you – it’s not.
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Don’t fill their silence with your thoughts – that is what they are doing, filling their silence with their thoughts, about themselves. If they’re thinking about you, it’s their version of you – which is not your version of you.
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silence versus bullshit

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2 – Enjoy the silence.
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Narcissists never shut up, their talk is their walk, their talk is everything to them, they use talk for everything, they nag, whine, wheedle, charm, complain, brainwash, badger, bluff, etc, and do everything by saying… they are afraid of silence.
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They are afraid of silence.
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If they’re giving you the Silent Treatment it’s because something has scared them into silence – that something cuts deeply.
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The Silent Treatment is their ultimate bogeyman defense – that something which made them go silent threatens the very fabric of their reality, they are terrified.
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The Silent Treatment – that something which made them go silent is less likely to be something you said and more likely to be something they said which exposed their very vulnerable underbelly.
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They are petrified that you heard it.
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They are petrified that they heard it.
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They are hiding from it, from you, from the perpetual terror which haunts them.
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The wound they try to pass onto you to you, to everyone but them – that is the reason for the Silent Treatment.
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They won’t be able to maintain the silence for very long – they need to talk more than you need to listen. They need you more than you need them.
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It is all about them.
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Their silence gives you a pause to redress the balance. Don’t let it slip through your sensory fingers.
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Trust

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3 – Their Silent Treatment is an opportunity to:
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Deprogram yourself from their endless talk which has caused you to doubt yourself, your instincts, your intuition – there is a reason why they never give you time alone to think for yourself.
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Think for yourself.
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Review what has been said and done. By them. By you.
Do they walk their talk or talk and talk and talk and talk until you think they’ve done what they’ve said they’ve done but they haven’t… and if they haven’t done it, will they ever do it, are you just living in hope that one day what has never happened will happen.
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Question them.
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Question yourself.
Why are you still believing them when everything they say do or are is a lie or a possible lie…
Don’t be afraid of the answers… why are you afraid of the answers?
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Know yourself.
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Know them.
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Know the truth – awful or otherwise.
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Know what you’ve been denying to keep an illusion, an ideal, a hope alive,
how much do you sacrifice or have you sacrificed for that?
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Truth versus Truth

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4 – Beware of the silence – When Narcissists go silent, they’re often plotting. They are skulking in their sulking. If you fill their silence with your own thoughts, they will catch you unawares when they break the silence.
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Your thoughts do not = their thoughts.
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Their thoughts do not = your thoughts.
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The breaking of the silence, of their Silent Treatment, may be a wrecking ball which destroys the walls of your house and so much more.
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While you were filling their silence with worries – What did I say which upset them and how can I fix it, make it better, apologise, make amends, make them forgive me, work things through, compromise, call a truce, etc – logic, reason, sense…
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Their paranoid selves were wrapped up in covering their tracks in illogical, unreasonable, nonsensical ways.
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They’re not sorry, they do not want to apologise or make amends…
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They…
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Have a very different version of reality to yours…
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Like…
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Using a bomb to blow up the kitchen to hide the fact that they aren’t the Michelin-starred chef they claimed to be…
That diploma was downloaded from the internet…
Those skills were stolen from someone else…
Invented…
Made up…
Pretend…
Why learn how to do something when you can pretend and fool the world…
Maybe they went to one class…
Maybe…
…but everyone was inferior to them = everyone else was better than them, actually willing and able to learn, evolve, admit they need to learn and evolve, willing to make mistakes, etc.
The teacher was a fraud = the teacher called them out, criticised them, saw through them, challenged them, exposed them, is an enemy who needs to be destroyed, is actually good at what they do, a threat, etc.
So,
they burned the cookies which they bought from the local store and were re-heating to pretend that they made them from scratch,
but they don’t know how to use an oven…
But they do know how to create a dramatic distraction with them centre stage,
the ultimate hero,
in a world full of villains,
to blame,
who are willing to take the blame,
because this scenario is too far-fetched,
so the impossible…
gets overlooked for the possible.
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Cognitive dissonance always favours the Narcissist.

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Suspicious golden silence

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5 – Use the silence.
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It’s your way out…
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If you don’t take it…
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If you don’t take the opportunity to escape…
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Ask yourself why…
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Don’t be afraid of the answer…
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The answer may set you free…
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Free…
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From the Narcissist…
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Free from the Silent Treatment…
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And the torture you make it for yourself…
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By filling the Silent Treatment with noise…
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Where does that noise come from…
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You or the Narcissists?
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Pause.
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Think.
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Freedom hangs in the balance.

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Your freedom…

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Think before you drink… in the toxic fumes of a Narcissist… before your drive… yourself under the influence of a Narcissist.

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Think things through… you have options, not just the ones which the Narcissist gives you, or which you think you’ve given yourself…

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Silent Treatment ?

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